Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the sh...

I went to the liquor store and the sales person asked if I needed help

I said: "Yeah but I came here instead"

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

For sale: Parachute

Never opened

Slightly stained

An ant sees an anthill and wonders if it's for sale.

Shortly after, he sees a number of ants approach him.

He asked, "Are you the owners?"

They replied "We're ten ants."

I've got a French rifle for sale.

It's never been fired, but it was dropped once.

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

Broken puppet for sale

No strings attached

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

We should ban the sale of pre-shredded cheeses!

Let's make America grate again!

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

I just bought a ton of potting soil on sale...

It was dirt cheap.

Sales Surge

Wire hangers break the glass ceiling in sales today at ALABAMA Kmarts.

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What is the clinical term for a "Yard Sale"

Faecal transplantation. Because your shit, becomes my shit!

To celebrate the end of winter, my local bed shop is having a spring sale.

The rest of the bed is still full price though.

I’ve got this whiteboard for sale. You’ll love it.

It’s remarkable!

Does anyone have a longer dip stick for sale?

Mine no longer reaches the oil.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn

My wife is mad enough that I bought the chinchilla in the first place. She's going to freak out when she sees the accessories. I gotta get rid of them ASAP.

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.



“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would doubl...

Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale?

It is the winter of discount tents!

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

The sale of Irish cars during the troubles

Was booming

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping
and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you'r...

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

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A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to h...

Mute budgie for sale

Not going cheap!

Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more you earn (PROVEN INSIDE!!)

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every ...

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably

It was a dead giveaway

A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.

He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady. The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream. But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100. This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong. ...

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today.

So I told him, "Give me five!"

A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier ...

Did you hear the boating store was having a big sale?!!??

It was quite the oar deal.

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

I have an old Vacuum for sale

It's just been collecting dust

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

Interview sales pitch

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

...

What do they say about a minimalist's yard sale?

Not a whole lot.

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

For Sale - and not what you think it is!

For Sale:



'96 Model Year

Low Mileage

No Accidents

Spotless Interior

Reliable

Superior Performance and Handling

Runs Well Every Day

Dual Front Airbags

Spacious Rear Cargo

Looks Great, Sounds Better



No, this ...

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I´ve just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven´t had any bids yet, but there are 12 people watching!

I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop

It was a dis-count Dracula

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

You know they have a two for one sale at the bed and blanket store down the road, right?

Oh Duvet?!

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A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

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Garage sale

A preacher and his wife go garage sale hunting one Saturday morning.As the wife looks around the preacher notices a nice looking push lawnmower for $20.He asks the man at the garage sale what's wrong with it.$20 is a steal if it works.The man said it works great if you can get it started but you got...

I was driving by some land that was for sale

I was driving by some land for sale and was wondering the price. It was a lot.

Edit. First time submitting. Hope you liked it!

My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

It’s Black Friday... do you like sales?

Because of you’re looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

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I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

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Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"

She says to the assistant. “What's the catch"?

The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.”

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

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Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at £170, £150 and £10.

A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck ...

Faithful dog for sale

Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.

- Hey, I saw your offer for a faithful dog, I have a couple of questions.

- Shoot.

- He good with kids?

- Very. He’s kind and gentle and has endless patience.

- yard dog or house do...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.

The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"

I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

"The Best Way To Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is With A Good Guy With A Gun"

Is an excellent sales pitch for doubling your sales.

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

My local grocery store has a sale on canned birds for buy one get one free!

I bought twocans.

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

A guy is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. S...

I saw this sign: "Lots for sale."

But there was nothing there.

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.

"Why not?" asked the clerk.

"Because I'm blind".

I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

Where is it inappropriate to have a Back to School sale?

A gun store.

My wife and I went to a Bull Sale & Agricultural Show...

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said "He mated 50 times last year! That's almost once a week!"
...

Suit sales.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that ...

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Don’t get into the business of coffin sales.

It’s the last thing anyone needs.

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A man saw a sign in a yard that said "Talking dog for sale $10"

He laughs and says "Yeah right, I gotta check this out". He knocks on the door and an old man answers. The guy says "I saw the sign for the talking dog for sale". Old man says "Yep, he's out back". They walk around to the back and the old man leads the guy to the fenced in area where the dog is slee...

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

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