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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog

"I have had a very full life" says the dog. "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home...

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

I went to a yard sale. I've always wanted to have a yard.

Turns out they were actually selling three feet . . . used to belong to some rabbit . . .

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Sales training!

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?”

The man asks, “Why woul...

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I was at a yard sale and I saw a radio, with a broken volume knob, for sale.

I couldn’t turn it down.

I went to the liquor store and the sales person asked if I needed help

I said: "Yeah but I came here instead"

There is a sale on at the boat store.

It's quite the oar deal.

There's only one way the US is going to be able to redeem themselves after this presidency, and that's to outlaw the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

For Sale : George Foreman Grill and Muhammad Ali dvds...

Both Boxed...

(NSFW) Did you hear they're having a Michael Jackson sale at Walmart?

A - Boy's pants are half off.

For sale: Parachute

Never opened

Slightly stained

I've got a French rifle for sale.

It's never been fired, but it was dropped once.

An ant sees an anthill and wonders if it's for sale.

Shortly after, he sees a number of ants approach him.

He asked, "Are you the owners?"

They replied "We're ten ants."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Gamer Boy Bathwater For Sale

Underneath the Manhattan Bridge

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

Broken puppet for sale

No strings attached

Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

Does anyone have a longer dip stick for sale?

Mine no longer reaches the oil.

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

I’ve got this whiteboard for sale. You’ll love it.

It’s remarkable!

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

To celebrate the end of winter, my local bed shop is having a spring sale.

The rest of the bed is still full price though.

Sales Surge

Wire hangers break the glass ceiling in sales today at ALABAMA Kmarts.

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What is the clinical term for a "Yard Sale"

Faecal transplantation. Because your shit, becomes my shit!

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping
and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you'r...

For sale: baby shoes, never worn

My wife is mad enough that I bought the chinchilla in the first place. She's going to freak out when she sees the accessories. I gotta get rid of them ASAP.

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.



“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would doubl...

Have you heard about the seasonal camping sale?

It is the winter of discount tents!

Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales?

They only buy and sell Ram

For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

The sale of Irish cars during the troubles

Was booming

A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier ...

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A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to h...

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

Mute budgie for sale

Not going cheap!

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?

Yes. It’s a global conspiracy.

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A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably

It was a dead giveaway

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.

He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady. The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream. But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100. This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong. ...

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today.

So I told him, "Give me five!"

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

Interview sales pitch

I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks.

You can say I was Schwepped away by it.

I have an old Vacuum for sale

It's just been collecting dust

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

What do they say about a minimalist's yard sale?

Not a whole lot.

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

I was driving by some land that was for sale

I was driving by some land for sale and was wondering the price. It was a lot.

Edit. First time submitting. Hope you liked it!

You know they have a two for one sale at the bed and blanket store down the road, right?

Oh Duvet?!

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I´ve just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven´t had any bids yet, but there are 12 people watching!

I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop

It was a dis-count Dracula

My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

For Sale - and not what you think it is!

For Sale:



'96 Model Year

Low Mileage

No Accidents

Spotless Interior

Reliable

Superior Performance and Handling

Runs Well Every Day

Dual Front Airbags

Spacious Rear Cargo

Looks Great, Sounds Better



No, this ...

It’s Black Friday... do you like sales?

Because of you’re looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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Garage sale

A preacher and his wife go garage sale hunting one Saturday morning.As the wife looks around the preacher notices a nice looking push lawnmower for $20.He asks the man at the garage sale what's wrong with it.$20 is a steal if it works.The man said it works great if you can get it started but you got...

Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

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Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"

She says to the assistant. “What's the catch"?

The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.”

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Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at £170, £150 and £10.

A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck ...

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I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

Faithful dog for sale

Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.

- Hey, I saw your offer for a faithful dog, I have a couple of questions.

- Shoot.

- He good with kids?

- Very. He’s kind and gentle and has endless patience.

- yard dog or house do...

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

I've never seen an Ole and Lena Joke on this sub. So here's some Norwegian?American humor.

Ole is a farmer in Bismarck, North Dakota. One day his cow dies and he needs to buy a new one. He looks in the paper and finds a cow for sale for $500. That a pretty good price, but it's all the way in Fargo. He doesn't really want to go to Fargo to buy the cow, but he decides it's worth it if h...

"The Best Way To Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is With A Good Guy With A Gun"

Is an excellent sales pitch for doubling your sales.

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

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TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.

The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"

I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

My local grocery store has a sale on canned birds for buy one get one free!

I bought twocans.

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

I saw this sign: "Lots for sale."

But there was nothing there.

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