UPJOKE

Just Bought Jokes

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

I just bought a dog from a blacksmith

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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My wife and I just bought a house

It came with two separate sheds in the backyard. But lately we’ve been arguing a lot about what goes in which shed.

It’s all about that he-shed/she-shed bullshit.

I have just bought myself a new cheese grater

Must say, grate things came out of this.

(edit - sorry for the cheesy joke)

I just bought my local MP a get better soon card.

He's not sick. I just think he can do better.

I just bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

But the ungrateful brat sat in his wheelchair and cried the whole time.

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A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

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I've just bought the vinyl of Prince's greatest hits

Cost me twenty quid!

But fuck it, I'm gonna party like it was £19.99

A woman just bought an IKEA wardrobe.

She just finishes building it when a bus drives past the window and the dresser collapses to the ground.
She assembles it again, but then another bus drives by and the whole thing collapses again.
Her husband being at work, she calls her neighbour to help her fix this. The neighbour come...

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I just bought PornHub Premium.

And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars

Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger

I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once.

It's a four loaf cleaver.

Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

Now I'm worried that this going to come back to haunt me.

I just bought a new pair of shoes.

I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day!

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

I just bought a gym with my son

It’s ok



He did the heavy lifting

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I just bought some children's books and there was no porn in any of them

I'm suing the Republican party for false advertising.

I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

i just bought a white horse

i named him "mayonnaise" because sometimes, mayo-neighs

I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.

I’ve just bought a pig!

One afternoon, two friends who lived in the same town were chatting.
“**I’ve just bought a pig**,” said the first.
“You are not kidding but where will you keep it?” “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!” said the second.
“**I am going to keep it under my bed**,” replied his friend. ...

I just bought a belt made from coins.

Cost me 2 grand... it is a waste of money.

My friend just bought a house in a coastal city in southern France.

It’s Nice.

I just bought an ABBA toilet.

What a loo!

Just bought a new ceiling fan

At least something's blowing me

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

Just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.

It came with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

Just bought some extra strong beer. On the tin it says 'Please drink responsibly'

Well I've got my seat belt on...

I just bought a car.

I'm now at risk for the Car-Owner Virus.

I just bought a new toilet brush.

Honestly? Not a fan. I think I'll stick with toilet paper.

I just bought some 12 year old scotch

Her parents weren't too happy with it though

Me and the wife just bought a new van

You Odyssey it

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

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A very wealthy widow in NYC just bought a huge penthouse apartment...

It was gorgeous. Two whole floors of the building overlooking Central Park. The only issue was a big, blank, white wall. So, the widow decided to hire a muralist.

She found the perfect artist and told him what she wanted.

"I've always loved the rimanticized Old West. Westerward expansi...

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Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go in...

Sammy just bought a new pair of pants.

He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.

"Ballroom?" Dean asks.

"Not much," Sammy replies.

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Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

I just bought some synonym rolls.

They taste just like the ones Grammar used to make.

So I just bought myself a Tesla and I loved a new car smell

It's got an Elon Musk to it

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A Guy Has Just Bought a New House in a new neighbourhood.

A guy purchased a new property in an area where he didn't know anyone. So he thought we would go to the neighbours and introduce himself.

He went next door, and was greeted by a gentleman telling him to FUCK OFF!

He was taken aback, and replied with, "I have just bought the house next...

Google just bought Fitbit

Now they can track your steps online as well as offline

I just bought a hot water bidet

Real pain in the ass

Elton John has just bought his pet rabbit a treadmill...

It's a little fit bunny..

My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5

It was a pi rated DVD

I just bought a new hat...

...with a built-in fan that keeps my head cool during hot weather.

It really blows my mind.

Just bought the worst thesaurus ever.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

O just bought a lettuce from our local store, called "Momma's and Poppa's". I can't eat it though

All the leaves are brown.

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

I just bought an 8K monitor...

It’s quite a lot of money for a 1920x1080 resolution.

I just bought condoms. The cashier asked if I needed a bag.

I just said "No, she isn't that ugly"

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I just bought an egotistical keyboard

It's like a regular keyboard but there's no backspace button because I never make mistakes

I just bought a new Trumpoline

It’s like a trampoline except you never bounce back from it.

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

i've just bought an english snake.

Sir Pent

I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses.

While going for their first ride, Sister A suddenly stops, and says:
- "We have a problem. How are we going to tell the horses apart, and know which one is yours, and which one is mine?"

Sister B agrees this is a problem, and begins to think abo...

I just bought an Adidas Christmas sweater from Mexico.

Fleece Adidas.

I just bought a vacuum cleaner from Wal-Mart.

It's the only thing I ever bought there that didn't suck.

Google just bought Uber.

They are going to rename the company Goober.

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I just bought a Xmas tree.

The sales assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

I replied "No you sick bastard. It's going in the living room.

Just bought a sat nav from Jon Bon Jovi

Yeah, decent condition, good price and always let's you know when your half way there......

I just bought 10 gallons of Witeout.

Big mistake.

Matthew: I just bought a cheap doormat that says farewell.

Tim: Sounds like a good buy, Matt!

I just bought 27 books

I don't have any shelf control.

My wife just bought Meatloaf underwear.

On the front, they say, "I would do anything for love."

On the rear, they say, "But I won't do that ...

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I've just bought some Monk fish.

The ungrateful cunt didn't didn't even thank me!

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Just bought a new vacuum!

It fucking sucks.

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I just bought a really shite mirror and I'm so ashamed of myself.

It reflects really badly on me.

A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.

While paying for the stallion, the seller rem...

I just bought a book titled "What They Don't Teach You About Computer Science"

Its literally just about anger management

Just bought the new Samsung, because it has a panorama function...

Now, I can take a picture of my wife.

I just bought a book on spotting scams.

I paid $999 for it, so it must be good.

I just bought a brand new chainsaw for $10

It was a Stihl

I just bought a new SUV and named it Karen.

It’s a white Suburban.

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I just bought a pet cat and named it Sam.

My friend asked me what Sam is short for.

I said, "Because he's a cat, you dumbass."

I've just bought a book about Feng Shui,

but I can't decide where to put it.

I've just bought a house with period features

She hates that nickname.

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A lawyer just bought a new Porsche...

He decides to park it in front of his offices to show it off. As he is exiting the vehicle a truck comes along and sheers of the drivers side door.

The lawyer begins screaming at the truck driver. "You stupid shit! You've ruined my brand new car! Where did you get your license? How did yo...

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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

Just bought a second hand DeLorean,

but I only use it from time to time

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

An old guy just bought a brand new corvette.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He f...

I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:

Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it....

The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working...

hope I'm having a hearing loss.

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My wife just bought me a blindfold for sexy times tonight.

No matter how hard I try, I just can't see myself wearing it

Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious".

It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.

A man has just bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.

He’s carefully carrying it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him smashing the grandfather clock and knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and says “why don’t you watch where you’re going!”

To which the drunk replies “why don’t you...

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I just bought some vegan donuts.

Big mistake, they won't shut the fuck up.

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

Just bought one of those infrared thermometers and have been testing it thoroughly.

We’re all fine but the radiator is really sick

I just bought a book about combatting stress-eating.

It was delicious.

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I just bought a Mitch Hedburg Album I've never heard before. "Mitch Hedburg: The Lost Jokes"

It was blank.

I just bought the most up to date train set there is

It even comes with a replacement bus service

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I just bought some incel olive oil.

I figured if "extra virgin" olive oil is good, this stuff would be amazing.

The local prison just bought 500 bottles of Proactiv.

They’re trying to prevent breakouts.

I just bought a used time machine on craigslist.

They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore.

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

I JUST BOUGHT A BOAT!

I can't wait to see all the ads for better deals I'm going to get on Facebook!!!!

Just bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay.....

Swede car online

I just bought a coat that's waaaay too long! :D

It suits me right down to the ground! :D

Just bought a guitar.

The sale felt a little dodgy, lots of strings attached.

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Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss.

My wife borrowed it,

stupid Woman filled it with Weasel.

I’ve just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I’m too afraid to take them

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.

It's nice to have some liquid assets.

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

For my friend’s birthday, I just bought him a giant clock after 2 hours of shopping.

Time to wrap it up.

Have you heard about this new computer attack on people who just bought cars?

It's all over the news - the New Car Owner Virus.

I just bought an art piece featuring several Pikachus playing Texas Hold'em.

It's called Pokermon.

My next door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's.

I think he's got car owner virus.

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A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Just bought some guns from a guy who called himself “T-Rex”

He said he was a small arms dealer.

I just bought this hair product that uses bat guano.

It's supposed to get rid of dandruff, but it didn't work!

Turns out it's just sham poo.

This laxative I just bought is really effective.

It's really giving me a run for my money.

Guys I just bought a 256gb iPhone XR, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways, I am doing a giveaway!!

The kid is 7, cute, thin and not really tall.

I just bought an undiscovered Stradivarius and an original Rembrandt!

Unfortunately, on further investigation I was able to discover that Rembrandt made useless violins and Stradivarius painted like a pre-schooler.

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