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Purchase Jokes

I've just purchased a house in Liverpool.

It's a 2 up, 5 down.
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A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...
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A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...
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Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.
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A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I retuned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.
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Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
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I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom”
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.
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If you're able to purchase a ton of an alloy of iron and carbon with improved strength and fracture resistance for $10...

Well, that's a steel!
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Why did the mentally ill billionaire try to purchase Antartica?

Because he was bi-polar.
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Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

Did you hear about KFC's Easter promo, a free baby bird with purchase?

A moist owlet with every meal!
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A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

I went to the store to purchase some bread and the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted paper or plastic?

I said, "I don't care, just baguette."
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Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...
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My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.
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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.
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Why didn't the redneck purchase the universe?

Way too expansive.
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People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"
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Went into a shop to purchase Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits

And I was given a magazine in a plain brown paper bag.
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I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.
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NEWSFLASH: Dwayne Johnson to purchase Fiskars!

Yep: Rock Pays for Scissors
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I only purchase fur lined underwear

I like the feeling of ball to ball carpeting.
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I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

Most useless purchase of 2019.....

A 2020 planner.
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Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas...

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. ...

So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs…

It was a Rip Off
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How does the Pope purchase items from Ebay?

He uses PaPal
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A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...
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Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant
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I decided to purchase a silencer from the clearance bin...

It wasn't very good bang for the buck.
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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.


"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.

"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking th...
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Amongst the dumbest things I've ever purchased...

was a 2020 year planner.
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I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust
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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

What did the slaves owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.
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Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state
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Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.
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What’s the best place to purchase lightsabres

The darth maul
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A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...
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I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.
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I just purchased some sandals for my frog.

They're open toad....
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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

A farmer purchased a new oxen to help plow his field.

The animal hadn’t been well-tamed and the farmer struggled to keep the beast under control. One day, the oxen freaked out and started tearing through the field, dredging up all of the seeds and plants that they had already sewn into the soil. The farmer’s corn and soybean plants were all destroyed. ...
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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...
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I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.
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Just made my first Amazon purchase

Logging company should get there next week.
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Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.
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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...
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...just purchased a Hungarian clock!

...it went back fo~~u~~r seconds!
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If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...
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A guy goes to the pet store to purchase 12 bees.

The clerk goes and get the bees and comes back. The guy is counting his bees and says,

"Wait, there are 13 bees in here!"

The clerk responds,

"Oh were having a special, that one is a freebee"
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I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"
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General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".
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How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.
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I made a small purchase at the grocery store.

The cashier asked me, "Would you like a bag?"

I looked side to side, leaned in and whispered...

"A bag of what..??"
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What happened to Johnny Cash when he purchased a house?

Johnny Debt
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I recent purchased a sex doll.

It really took a load off my wifes back.

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Christmas eve pet store purchase

A guy frantically runs to the pet store on christmas eve and go's up to the owner-

Guy - I'm needing a puppy for my wife for christmas. I know I've left it late but can you please help!?

Store Owner - sorry son. your shit out of luck it being christmas eve n all, the cute pets are all ...

Punny purchases

Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.
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A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...
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Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.
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My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...
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What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.
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Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.
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Greetings, good sir ! I would like to purchase one can from your shop.

-Of course, here you go.

-Thank you. Now, how do I open it ?

-Instructions are inside.
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A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...
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A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother
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The origami championships will be televised and the viewer can purchase events to view.

It is on a paper view channel.
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These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...
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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

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So my wife struts around in this newly purchased denim skirt

She asks me “does this skirt make my ass look big?”

“No, I think it’s all that shit you eat that makes your ass look big”


True story BYW - yes I am now divorced..

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

“I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.”

The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”
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A young man wishes to purchase a fish

So he approaches the town fisherman at the market. With his pockets full of cash, he can't wait to buy a delectable salmon from the highly recommended old man.

The fisherman sees the young man approaching and asks what he can do for him.

The young man holds out a handful of bills and ...
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How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...
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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...
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I recently purchased a circumcision on the black market.

It was a rip-off.
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Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?

He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.
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Apple recently purchased an island for their new HQ

They're calling it iLand.
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I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.
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Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...
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How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.
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I tried taking my newly purchased Beatle back to the Volkswagen dealership the other day...

He punched me in the arm and said; "no returns!"
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I Went To Purchase Some Camoflauge Clothes The Other Day

But I just couldn't see myself in them.
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Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer

As they ride away, one says to the other "Paddy, how are we to tell our two horses apart?".
"Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!"...and he cuts his horse's ear.
Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear ...
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I just purchased Big Foot repellant.

Er, sorry, a camera.
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Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!
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A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."
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Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.
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So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case
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I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.
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Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)
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A man is at the checkout to purchase some condoms...

...the cashier asks, "Would you like a bag as well?" the man replies, "Oh, no thank you--she isn't that ugly."
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I recently went to a beekeeper and purchased 7 bees. When I got home, I realized he gave me 8.

Looks like I got a freebie!
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Where do ISIS fighters go to purchase soda and candy?

Allahu snackbar!
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Why didn't the store let the man return the hand soap he'd purchased?

It was anti-back-to-retail soap.
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With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.
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A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...
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Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"


Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"


Joe decides to gives it a shot, s...

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe
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A biker goes to a Harley shop to purchase a new motorcycle...

...and the salesman catches him browsing the selection of bikes they offer. He focuses on a really nice Harley Davidson with some nice chrome parts. The salesman approaches him and says: "I see you have your eyes on one of our most beautiful machines." "Yeah, this one I wanna buy!". "Excellent choic...

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.
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