A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

A blonde woman is distraught because she thinks her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and purchases a handgun...

The following day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous brunette.

She grabs the gun and holds it against her own temple.

The husband immediately jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde yells, "Shut up! You're next!!"

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

“I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.”

The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”

My wife was furious at my impulse purchase of a revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

I made a small purchase at the grocery store.

The cashier asked me, "Would you like a bag?"

I looked side to side, leaned in and whispered...

"A bag of what..??"

What did the EA say to ubisoft?

You must purchase the r/jokes season pass to see this

What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player?

A quarter back

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he se...

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife th...

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Had my identity stolen by a rhino once. Had a bunch of purchases from Victoria Secret.

Guess he was horny.

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them...

He asked, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on!! Not you as well?!”

Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.

The Rock pay per scissors

What did the slaves owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.

How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"


Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"


Joe decides to gives it a shot, s...

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying...

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying. The detector is a small robot. He tries it at dinner for the first time.

Father: 'Hey son, what you've done this morning?'

Son: 'I was in school.'

*Robot slaps son*

Son: 'Okay, I've been watchin a movie i...

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

Punny purchases

Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

While buying a new guitar from the local pawn shop, I asked if there was anything I needed to know about this guitar or my purchase.

He replied "No strings attached."

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

A young man wishes to purchase a fish

So he approaches the town fisherman at the market. With his pockets full of cash, he can't wait to buy a delectable salmon from the highly recommended old man.

The fisherman sees the young man approaching and asks what he can do for him.

The young man holds out a handful of bills and ...

When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal?

The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

​

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

The wife texts her mathematician husband to purchase eggs while he is at the grocery store

Husband: How many eggs should i get?

Wife: Please get 6!

Husband: Ok.


*1 hour later*

Husband: I can't fit all 720 eggs in the car. Can you come help me?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

What did the clerk say to young Muhammad Ali when he tried to purchase an elaborate Christmas present?

You're cashless, Clay.

A man is waiting in line at a convenience store when the man in front of him puts a raw steak on the counter and leaves with his purchase.

The guy sees this and thinks to himself, "I bet a steak is way cheaper than what I usually buy at this store, I should try that!" So the next day he cooks up a well done steak, takes it to the store, and when the cashier rings him up, puts it on the counter. The cashier looks a bit concerned and say...

Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?

He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dude is pissing at a urinal, when a short shrimpy guy steps up to the urinal next to him...

The dude is about to laugh at how frail and weak the guy looks, but he happens to catch a glimpse of the dude's shlong, fat as a pepperoni and as long as a cucumber.

"Holy fucking hell!" the guy says. "Not to sound gay or anything, but that's the biggest cock I've ever seen in my life!"
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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Christmas eve pet store purchase

A guy frantically runs to the pet store on christmas eve and go's up to the owner-

Guy - I'm needing a puppy for my wife for christmas. I know I've left it late but can you please help!?

Store Owner - sorry son. your shit out of luck it being christmas eve n all, the cute pets are all ...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

How are diamond rings and cocaine similar?

Both are purchases you'll spend a whole month's paycheck on, and probably end feeling regret.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.

He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.

He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most hig...

Where do ISIS fighters go to purchase soda and candy?

Allahu snackbar!

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken?

One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.

A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms.

After ringing his item up the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag?"

The man responded, "No, she's not that ugly."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest was in line to purchase airline tickets at an airport . . .

When he approached the attendant, she said "Father, I am often treated differently by men because of my big breasts. Men don't appreciate me as a person; all they see me for are my big breasts."

The priest responded, "That is not true, you are a beautiful child of God. Now please give me tw...

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A biker goes to a Harley shop to purchase a new motorcycle...

...and the salesman catches him browsing the selection of bikes they offer. He focuses on a really nice Harley Davidson with some nice chrome parts. The salesman approaches him and says: "I see you have your eyes on one of our most beautiful machines." "Yeah, this one I wanna buy!". "Excellent choic...

I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.

I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! W...

Did you hear about the arms dealer who's giving away M18 Claymores with every purchase?

Oh, I'm gonna get mines.

I Went To Purchase Some Camoflauge Clothes The Other Day

But I just couldn't see myself in them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting ...

Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer

As they ride away, one says to the other "Paddy, how are we to tell our two horses apart?".
"Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!"...and he cuts his horse's ear.
Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the term for a person who prepares or purchases more food than they can eat, and can't stop themselves?

American.

Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A partially deaf kid and his mum

So, it’s a Saturday morning and this partially deaf kids mum asks him to go to the shops to pick up a some bread and a new clock and then he can stop by the stadium to pick up a football ticket for tomorrow’s game.

So off the kid heads to the bakery and being partially deaf he asks the baker ...

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

A man walks up to a fisherman, asking for an eel

A man walked up to a fisherman, asking for an eel to purchase. The fisherman says that he needs not any payment, but will give him an eel for free if he listens to a joke of his. The man thinks this a good deal, so he accepts.

The fisherman then proceeds to tell the man one of the best jokes,...

A farmer is out in his field...

A farmer is out in his field planting seeds. Once he finishes, he makes arrangements to sell the farm and purchase some nearby land.

&#x200B;

The other people in his small town are puzzled by this, but they brush it off as some eccentric behavior.

&#x200B;

After p...

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.

While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.



The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

Engineers!

Background information:

In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train...

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NSFW Stupid frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)" She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whisper...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lie Detector

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was ju...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"

The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"

"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office ...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

A boy gets his first job while in high school...

...as a repossessor.

&#x200B;

He is enjoying feeling responsible and is pleased that he is in the workforce, however his mother isn't very happy with his job choice.

&#x200B;

"I wish you would find a different job," his mother kept telling him. "I feel awful for a...

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NSFW A woman wants to buy a pet

Not just any pet, mind you, but a parrot. She thought they were gorgeous, unique, and so clever! Alas, the trouble with parrots, if you can believe this, is their cost - she couldn't believe how expensive they were!

This young woman went from store to store, from big chains to specialty bouti...

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The Voodoo Dildo

A man is about to go abroad on a business trip, but he is worried about his wife cheating on her because she is has strong sexual cravings and has been known to be promiscuous in the past.

The man decides to go to an adult store to find her a sex toy to satiate her desires, and finds himself ...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

The Condom Buyer

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.


The next day, the man comes back to the store, ...

How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?

Call customer service to dispute the purchase.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having a foursome while her husband is at work

Suddenly however, she hears her husband enter the house.

“Oh shit, here’s my husband! Quick, hide before he sees you!”

The first guy hides in the closet and shuts the doors.

The second guy hides under the bed and pulls down the covers.

The third guy hides on the balcony a...

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

The Biker and The Old Lady

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the li...

So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long)

...looking for some clothes for college. I’m in the midst of picking out a new pair of pants, when out of the corner of my eye, I notice a middle-aged woman staring at me from the other side of the store. I ignore it briefly, and continue looking for my clothing purchases.

10 minutes later, ...

After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car....

He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.

“There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available,” the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your house when it’s ready.”

"Three years," he ...

An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.

"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.

"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"

"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village w...

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."

"What do you mean special?" the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

Why did they call the new iPhone the IPhone XS...

Because you need an excess amount of money to purchase it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.

He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.

First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful roo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman visited a sex shop...

The clerk said to her, "I have something incredible for you...a magic dildo!"

"A magic dildo?" asked the woman. "How does it work?"

"All you have to do is say ''magic dildo" followed by where you want it to go, and it will magically go there and start doing its job."

The woman w...

A single woman was checking out at the grocery store

She was buying a 1/2 dozen eggs, a pint of milk, an orange an apple and a bottle of wine. A man in the line behind her said “ I see you’re single” the woman was taken back by the statement but then quickly figured out what he was talking about, she said “You’re guessing that from my purchases aren’t...

A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..

so she purchases a pistol and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

A woman finished shopping at a supermarket and went to the checkout line

She wanted to purchase one can of soda, a TV dinner for one and one brownie. The guy working the checkout said "let me guess, you're single". She looked at her items and sarcastically asked "gee how did you guess?" The cashier said “because you’re ugly”.

A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get g...

A man is shopping for lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret for his wife on Valentine’s day...

When looking around, he notices that as the prices of the lingerie go up, so does the skimpiness and how see-thru the fabric is. The most expensive item is $500.

Being in a good mood, the man decides to purchase the most expensive item.

He heads home to meet his wife and show her his...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is desperately looking for a husband, but she happens to stumble upon a stores that sells men.

The woman can't believe her luck, and runs inside. On the first floor, there is a sign that reads:

"Welcome to the Husband Store! There are 9 floors in all, but be warned: once you go past a floor, you're not allowed to go back down. You either make a purchase, or leave empty handed."

...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The American and the Camel

An American tech guru made a bunch of money from selling his Bitcoins and decided that now was the time to visit Egypt to see the various ancient tombs of the pharaohs.

He went to Jamal's Used Camel lot to purchase a camel to ride across the desert, as he had seen in many video games.

...

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work ...

GF: Why are you buying a puzzle when you don't have brain to play it?

BF: Do I complain when you purchase bras?

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