Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

...

I purchased some noise cancelling headphones..

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints..

Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

My wife was really upset at my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

I tried taking my newly purchased Beatle back to the Volkswagen dealership the other day...

He punched me in the arm and said; "no returns!"

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

What’s the best place to purchase lightsabres

The darth maul

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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

You must be single...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk...

A guy goes to the pet store to purchase 12 bees.

The clerk goes and get the bees and comes back. The guy is counting his bees and says,

"Wait, there are 13 bees in here!"

The clerk responds,

"Oh were having a special, that one is a freebee"

Farmer

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free...

Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.

Chuck E. Cheese has preempted any criticism from the Chinese Government and purchased PF Chang’s.

Their new name will be Chuck E. Chinese.

A man has been robbed so he goes to the pet store to get a guard dog.

When he gets to the pet store he explains what he wants to the owner.

Owner: wait here for me. I’ve exactly what you’re looking for!

The man waits and a few minutes later the owner returns with an adorable puppy.

Man: I don’t think you understood, I want a dog that can protect m...

The origami championships will be televised and the viewer can purchase events to view.

It is on a paper view channel.

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So my wife struts around in this newly purchased denim skirt

She asks me “does this skirt make my ass look big?”

“No, I think it’s all that shit you eat that makes your ass look big”


True story BYW - yes I am now divorced..

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

A supermarket is having a sale

A supermarket is having a sale with everything discounted, so a man went in and bought some dog food. However, upon paying, the cashier insisted that he prove he actually had a dog.

“According to our rule, to buy discounted dog food, you need to prove you’re a dog owner.”
“What kind of rul...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

Joel Osteen recently purchased a new Gulfstream Jet

He calls it the G6 Christ.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

I just purchased some sandals for my frog.

They're open toad....

Two old ladies smoking outside a nursing home...

Nancy: Billy came to see me today!

Betty: That's nice... I wish Karla would come visit.

It starts to rain a little bit, so Nancy pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors from her purse, snips off the tip, slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Betty: What's that?...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.

It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.

First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into th...

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Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

A blonde woman is distraught because she thinks her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and purchases a handgun...

The following day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous brunette.

She grabs the gun and holds it against her own temple.

The husband immediately jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde yells, "Shut up! You're next!!"

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb ...

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So he walks in for a Condom...

This young 18 year old young man walks into a drugstore nervously and after hesitating, summons the courage to approach the pharmacist at the counter and gets even more nervous. The wise and experienced pharmacist smiles and asks him to relax and open up. He finally blurts out:
"I'd like to buy ...

What did the slaves owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

I made a small purchase at the grocery store.

The cashier asked me, "Would you like a bag?"

I looked side to side, leaned in and whispered...

"A bag of what..??"

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

Just made my first Amazon purchase

Logging company should get there next week.

A wise old gentleman retired...

...and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every...

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom”
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

“I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.”

The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

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A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he se...

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.

However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's onl...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player?

A quarter back

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

A man walks into a grocery store.

A man walks into a grocery store. After getting all his groceries, he sees something interesting at the check-out counter. Not knowing what it is, he asks a worker. The worker replies, “Why, that’s a thermos! It keeps your hot stuff hot, and your cold stuff cold!” Intrigued, the man decides to buy i...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

I recently purchased a circumcision on the black market.

It was a rip-off.

Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.

The Rock pay per scissors

So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way ...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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I recent purchased a sex doll.

It really took a load off my wifes back.

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i’m giving it away.

He’s 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

There once was a lady named Dee.

She lived a very eventful life and was well-known around her little town. She was specifically known for being very overly kind and welcoming to strangers. Some thought of her as just another sweet old lady, some called her nuts, but only a few knew about her past.
In her younger days, she slept ...

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Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"


Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"


Joe decides to gives it a shot, s...

How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.

How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

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My little brother Jimmy is such an ungrateful fuck.

I purchased a trampoline for him yesterday and all he’s done since is cry in his wheelchair.

Why didn't the store let the man return the hand soap he'd purchased?

It was anti-back-to-retail soap.

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

Apple recently purchased an island for their new HQ

They're calling it iLand.

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A man goes to the convenience store..

.. he picks up two apples, a toothbrush, a bag of birdseeds, a bottle of wine, and large pack of batteries.

When it’s his turn to pay at the cash register, the cute female cashier looks shortly at the mans purchases and then has a glance at the man. She then says: “ah... you must be single”. ...

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

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I started working at a Watermelon street market booth.

My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.

He asks:

\_How much for the watermelon?

\_ 8 dollars.

\_ Okay, I want half. Here's $4.

\_Sir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.

\_ I am telling you tha...

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Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop. His new boss shows him around. "Everything's marked. We've got a simple register. There's only two things to remember." He points behind the counter. "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."

"White $100, black $150. Got it."<...

The Chinese government finally says "Free Hong Kong"*

*With purchase of an American industry of equal or greater value.

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

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A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying...

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying. The detector is a small robot. He tries it at dinner for the first time.

Father: 'Hey son, what you've done this morning?'

Son: 'I was in school.'

*Robot slaps son*

Son: 'Okay, I've been watchin a movie i...

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

“EA Sports. It’s in the Game!”

Also EA: there is no game in this “game”, but thanks for the purchase.

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

While buying a new guitar from the local pawn shop, I asked if there was anything I needed to know about this guitar or my purchase.

He replied "No strings attached."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

Punny purchases

Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

A young man wishes to purchase a fish

So he approaches the town fisherman at the market. With his pockets full of cash, he can't wait to buy a delectable salmon from the highly recommended old man.

The fisherman sees the young man approaching and asks what he can do for him.

The young man holds out a handful of bills and ...

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

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