Pick Jokes - 120 Hilarious Pick Jokes

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

Chinese takeout $30.00…gas to pick it up $20.00…

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers…

Riceless

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

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The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. ...

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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

Failed Pick-Up Lines:

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven..

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

Really awkward pick-up line.

Me: You look like my first wife.

Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?

Me: None

*wedding music starts playing*

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So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I prob...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

This guy Joe goes to pick up his fiancé for a date in a brand new Porsche.

His fiancé is confused because Joe isn’t exactly a wealthy guy.

She says, “Where did you get this Porsche?“

Joe says, “It was in my garage.“

She says, “What was it doing in your garage?“

Joe says, “Well, I guess God put it there.”

She says, “That’s ridiculous!...

A cabbie picks up a nun....

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question (Warning not suitable for people under the aged of 18 you have been warned)

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away,
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but i like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny says i have a question for you. If t...

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

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A guy was walking through the woods, and finds a lamp on the ground, he picks it up and rubs it and a genie comes out.

The dude goes "Whoa! A Genie!" And the genie looking really bored is like, "Alright go ahead, you got 2 wishes.." The dudes like, "Only 2? I thought everyone gets 3? What kind of bullshit genie are you?" And the genie says, "Look in your pants." And the guy does and says "Holy crap! My dick is huge!...

The chick I picked up wanted to play doctor

So i sat her on a chair in the hallway and let her wait for 2 hours

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom.

A pick pocket snatches watches.

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A native american hitchhiker was picked up by a slick

city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents. The city man replied: "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".

The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head ...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

A guy picks up a girl

"Oi, put me down"

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

My girlfriend asked me if I'd like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

Whenever I pick my nose...

>!I'm the boogeyman. !<

I went to a Chinese restaurant and picked up a menu that said “10% off.”

So I picked up nine more menus and got myself a free meal.

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I hate having to pick my nose....

But my plastic surgeon says I have to choose one from the catalog or he'll cancel the operation.

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I was walking my dog this morning when this guy shouted at me "I hope you're gonna pick that shit up!"

I just pulled up my pants and ran

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland a...

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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A man was headed into town to on a Friday night in his old pick up truck

He gets half-way to town and his truck begins making a banging noise and he pulls off to the side of the road to have a look. When he turns off the truck the noise slowly stops and he gets out to have a look.

The engine is hot, smoky and stinks like oil and gas and steam. At this point he ha...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping
and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you'r...

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What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

What to pick

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"<...

A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone.

"Can I speak to Mr. Green please?" A little voice at the other end asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the receptionist says, "Mr. Green died last week."

"Thank you." The little voice then hangs up.

The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, "May I speak to Mr. Green, p...

Why did they pick that specific joystick for Titan?

Because it's sub standard.

Christmas pick up lines

Christmas PickUp Lines: Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.

Is your name Jingle Bells, 'cause you look like you'd go all the way.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas? Shouldn't you be on the top of the tree, Angel? H...

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Geriatric pick-up lines.

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fi...

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"

It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.

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I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines...

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

You can pick your nose and you can pick your husband,

But you can't blow your husband in public.

A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Q: How can you pick out the gynecologist in a roomful of doctors?

A: He\`s the one with his watch on his elbow.

Chuck Norris Once Picked A Apple from a Orange Tree.

He made lemonade from it.

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

I tried to pick a fight with a guy who had ED...

But I couldn't get a rise out of him...

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My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Sti...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

A labrador picks up Mjölnir and goes to medical school

Guess he’s a DogThor now.

Pro tip on how to pick up girls

Lift with your legs

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A teenaged boy goes to pick up a girl...

... for a first date. Her father sits him down in the living room next to their German Shepherd and proceeds to chat while the girl gets ready.

The boy has a nervous stomach, and the stress of wanting to make a good impression is too much for him. He feels trouble brewing down there. Eventual...

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

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My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to t...

Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results...

Husband: Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results...

Doctor: 1st floor Nursery. Please do not call your child that.

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A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to ...

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I tried sending a dick pick.

Got an alert back saying "Unable to send message, file too large"

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Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."

I picked up a hitchhiker…

you've got to when you hit them.

I just picked up MDMA and LSD

Worst round of scrabble ever.

The anti pick-up line.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"

I'd love to hear some of yours.

The practical pick up line

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices a lovely woman sitting alone a few bar stools down, and as the evening goes on, he catches her eye and smiles at her a few times. Amazingly, she gets up, moves down the bar and joins him. "Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

What song did the snowman sing as he tried to pick up a date?

"I Only Have Ice For You."

I picked up a hitch hiker

The man got in my car and said "Thank you for picking me up, but I mean how do you know I am not a serial killer or something?"

I said "I don't know for sure, but the chances of 2 serial killers being in one car would be astronomical"

Saw this on Quora months ago.

What's your favorite pick up line?

Mine is the Ford F Series.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

I just learned how to lock pick

Its opened so many doors for me

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