A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

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This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. "I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and have sex with you before you can pick it up".

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says "set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run". So the woman tells the guy, "The bet is on". A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, "The asshole didn't tell me h...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger.

A few minutes had passed and the whole
trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
...

My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

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What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

A brunette picks up her blonde friend from the train station

She notices the side of her blonde friend is bleeding.

The brunette asks, "What happened to your head?"

The blonde responds, "Like there was nail sticking to the side of the train where I was sitting, everytime there was a bump or change, my head would hit against the nail to a point w...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," rep...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Why do guys tell jokes when trying to pick up women?

Because ladies love cunning linguists

What deodorant do miners pick ?

They pick Axe

The psychology lecture randomly picks out one of his students.

"Let's say you're the most disagreeable person in this clas-"

"No I'm not."

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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How to pick up chicks with dicks

Gentle lift them.

They prefer to be called roosters though...

A cabbie picks up a nun.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.


She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and ha...

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

A boss asked his employee what can be done to pick up the pace at work.

The employee said, "Remember that pay raise I asked for a couple months ago......."

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of sprite

But when I got home I relised I only picked 7up

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

I walked into the doctors office and he said "pick a star sign any star sign" I said umm Capricorn

He no you got Cancer

Best pick up line: Is your name Medusa?

Cause you're making me hard

a taxi driver in New York picks up a nun...

after a while of driving the nun notices the driver staring intensely at her through the mirror. Curiosity took hold and she asked him why he was looking so intently at her.
"you see," says the driver "I have always fantasized about kissing a nun."
"Are you married?" asked the nun "and are yo...

Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..

Riceless

Did you hear about the Trekkie who was trying to pick up girls at a Star Wars convention?

He was looking for love in Alderaan places

A man was selling the bumper of a pick-up on Craigslist...

A potential buyer calls and asks where it came from. The man replies, "Let's just say it fell off a truck."

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

(first date)Her: If you could pick, what kind of animal would you be-

Me: Bird

 

Her: aww, so you could fl-

 

Me: I like worms

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Why do perverts pick Latin as their first foreign language?

It's vulgar.

Never pick a fight with a redditor.

He is likely to riposte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book

not only was it embarrassing, but the stamps were damn expensive.

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

Why don’t you pick a fight with a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked!

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.

Woman: What’s this?

Man: It’s a lime.

Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?

The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.

Woman: Is everything ok?

Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran o...

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A man tries to pick up a woman from the bar. [NSFW]

Man: Hey baby, what's it gonna take for me to take you home?

Woman: I want 9 inches and I want it to hurt.

Man: How about I fuck you 3 times and hit you with a chair?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the janitor pick up the poop from the floor?

Because it was his duty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy who used to work for me said he and his wife could pick me up at my house so we could drive to an office party together.

About an hour before they were supposed to arrive I got a text from him.

*Love - what are you wearing? Would you like me to bring you a dress?*

I read it twice before realizing he obviously meant to send it to his wife and not to me.

He was mortified.

I would not have tea...

I’m happy with my once-a-week garbage pick up.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

My girlfriend made me pick between either the iPhone or her

(Sent from my iPhone)

I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up

They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character

What do you call the Hulk when he picks up Captain America's shield?

The Star Spangled Banner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a pick up line for girls to use

Walk up to a guy, grab his dick and say "Sir, I'm gonna have to check your ED."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I’m trying to pick up girls I ask them, are you Shrek?

Because you’ve got an ass that talks back

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John goes to pick up his girlfriend for a date, and meet her dad for the first time.

As he walks in the house, he's greeted by his girlfriend's father who explains she is still getting ready and will be down shortly. They move to the living room where the family dog, Butch, is laying on the floor next to where John is sitting. John had pretty bad gas, and the room was silent. After ...

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

There's not really any training for garbagemen.

They just pick things up as they go.

Pick up lines for cross-eyed people

When you’re in the room both my eyes are on you

A man is trying to pick up women at the beach...

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsu...

What's the best way to pick up women?

Use your legs, not your back.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

Did you hear about the rope that won't pick up it's own slack?

Some things just can't be taught.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it and out pops a genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars."

POOF! He's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive."

POOF! He's holding papers showing his...

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

Funniest/Cheesiest pick-up lines?

“Are you a bank loan? Because you’ve got my interest”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man picks up a woman while it's raining

He then puts his hand on her leg. She says "That will cost you $50."

He then hands her the $50 dollars and begins rubbing her leg until he asks her "How much will it cost for me to make love to you?"

She replies "It will cost you $500, but on my conditions."

Excited, the man pul...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant picks up a white rabbit

An elephant picks up a white rabbit after taking a dump. It asks the rabbit: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The rabbit says no and the elephant wipes his bum with it.

The next day the elephant picks up a squirrel after eating. It asks the squirrel: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The s...

A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker.

During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, “That’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The hitchhiker replies, “That’s a pretty good trade.”

A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air.

When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.



“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.



“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.



Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two m...

What do you call a Latino who can pick locks?

El Solve-a-Door

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth."

-Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society

Mexican word of the day: bishop.

Example: "last night my wife fell down, so I had to pick the bishop. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man picks up a prostitute and they go to a motel room.

She excuses herself to go to the bathroom, while the man makes himself comfortable on the bed.
The prostitute comes out a few minutes later to find the guy jacking off. "What are you doing?!" she says.
"Well," he says, "you didn't think you were going to get the easy one, did you?"

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

Little Johnny strikes again

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy #1 : I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for one week.
Boy #2 laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh??
Boy #2: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for 1 month.
She bends down to pick up a chalk and Little Johnny gets up a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought of the best pick-up line.

“Hey, are you the fitness gram pacer test, cause your ass is multi-staged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

A guy picks up a hooker

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

“Paint…my….house.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."

The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Married man picks up a girl at the bar

Married man picks up a lady at the bar, riding his motorcycle to her house he hits a cow. Police show up and the lady has a broken leg. He gets home and the wife heard it all on the police scanner and ask him what the hell was the lady doing? Husband said I dont know what that drunk bitch was doing ...

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

I was caught breaking into a cheese factory with a lock pick and a large stone.

The guard that caught me said "I get the lock pick but what's the Roquefort?"

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