My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

Pick a star sign says the doctor

“Gemini”
“Come on” says doc “as if I’m about to tell you you have Gemini”

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Why don't blind people pick up their guide-dog's poop?

Because they can't see shit.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

California pick up line

I have electricity.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Some people say they pick their nose

I think I was just born with mine.

You know how to pick up a zoologist?

Send them dik-dik pics.

One friend asks the other to go pick up his mom

1: Hey can you drive me to pick up my mom real quick her car broke down

2: i dont have that type of money

1: what do you mean its right down the road ill pay for gas

2: last time i picked up your mom she charged me $500

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

What's the best thing about picking up homeless people??

You can drop them off anywhere.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

A dad picked up his child from school...

On the way home , the child asked : "Dad , what does drunk mean ? "

The father responded : " Well , see the 2 cars in front of us , a drunk man would see 4 cars . "

The kid responded : " But dad , there's only one car in front of us . "

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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Why did the guy who made Dragons Fucking Cars pick cars instead of castles?

They're impenetrable

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

My girlfriend was picking a bra to buy when I said "Bras dont suit you, your too flat"

My girlfiend then said "Well, you wear briefs right?"

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What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

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Picking a wife (long)

There is a man. A rich man. He has three beautiful girlfriends and he wants to marry one of them. He has to leave for business for a year and decides to set up a little test to see which one he should marry. He gives all of them $100,000 and tells them he will be back in a year.

A year goes ...

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

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This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. "I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and have sex with you before you can pick it up".

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says "set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run". So the woman tells the guy, "The bet is on". A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, "The asshole didn't tell me h...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

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The phone rings and little Billy picks it up

A deep voice says to him ... go up the stairs, into your sister's room and kill her. A short time later billy comes back, I made, he says. Now go to your parents room and kill them too. Billy comes back later and says, too, I did. Now bring everyone out to the garden and throw them in the pool. We h...

My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

Now that’s a pick up line

Hey girl are you my hairline because your receding from me.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A brunette picks up her blonde friend from the train station

She notices the side of her blonde friend is bleeding.

The brunette asks, "What happened to your head?"

The blonde responds, "Like there was nail sticking to the side of the train where I was sitting, everytime there was a bump or change, my head would hit against the nail to a point w...

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Why should you let an obstetrician pick your lottery numbers?

Because they see a head

An executioner is picking up his co-worker to go to work

He pulls up at his friends house and noticed that he's taking a long time to get ready. So he says, "Come on now, we'd best beheading to work!"

I’m going on a hike and picking music. I have songs from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

A cabbie picks up a nun.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.


She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and ha...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," rep...

What deodorant do miners pick ?

They pick Axe

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A hitchhiker gets picked up by a trucker with a bullfrog on his dashboard.

The hitchhiker guy stares at the bullfrog for a while, fascinated by the animal, while the truck driver just grins. After a while, the truck driver decides to show him what's what. He pulls over by the side of the road.

"Watch this!"

He takes the bullfrog by the legs and SLAMS its head...

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

Why do guys tell jokes when trying to pick up women?

Because ladies love cunning linguists

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What did the Eggo waffle say while being picked from the freezer?

Leggo’a me!

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day...

After he got all of his stuff in the trunk, he hopped in, and we started our journey.

He told me : I’m so glad someone finally stopped to pick me up. But aren’t you scared that I might be a serial killer?

I replied : To be honest, the odds of having two serial killers in the same car a...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

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How to pick up chicks with dicks

Gentle lift them.

They prefer to be called roosters though...

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

Someone dropped their contact lens in the parking lot. I can see why they didn't pick it back up...

But they can't.

I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of sprite

But when I got home I relised I only picked 7up

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, th...

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

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