What do you call someone who develops cutlery

A cutting edge technologist *cue groans*

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

Scientists have developed a new alcohol so addictive you can’t live without it. It’s name?

Oxy-Gin.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

Why do Python developers wear glasses?

Because they can't "C".

Just now, I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts

I'm going to call it leave me the fuh cologne

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.

Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.

Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

A new vaccine has been developed to prevent fox from contracting rabies. Not many are getting the shot though. Only one...

Fox in eight

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

Einstein developed a theory about space...

And it was about time too.

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

The band U2 recently developed a GPS...

It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

I’m worried I’m developing a fetish for architecture

but I’ll cross that bridge when I come on it.

An old woman is offered a covid vaccine at her senior home.

She refuses it and says "I have faith in God to protect me."

A week later, her nurse daughter calls her and tells her that she can come into the clinic and get her the vaccine quickly that day. Again, the woman refuses and says "I have faith in god to protect me."

Several weeks pass, ...

How do you tell the difference between yogurt and Australia?

If you leave yogurt in the sun for 250 years, it’ll develop culture.

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

Maybe if I develop feelings for COVID-19 it will leave.

It always happens with girls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can develop hearing problems from having too much sex...

A doctor is lecturing a patient on his hearing loss. He says "You can develop hearing problems from having too much sex, if it's a very specific kind of very kinky, very immoral sex."

The patient says "What kind is it?".

The doctor replied "Oh, it s about a quarter to three..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

I developed a new crunchy snack made out of duck bills.

I call them Quackers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy develops a dark spot on his forehead.

He goes to the doctor. The doctor looks and says:
“I’ve read about this before. In a month you’ll have a full sized penis growing out of your forehead.”
The man’s eyes go wide and he says:
“Well then operate! Get rid of it!”
The doctor shakes his head. “It’s connected to your brain. If I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when you're using your sex doll too often?

It develops a runny nose.

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

15 minutes late...

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Just developed an app that let's me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.

I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me So I booted up my pc and got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarise ev...

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

What car develops over a long period of time?

A Volvo

They developed a new yogurt for people who don't move around very much.

It's called Inactivia.

What do you call a person that does squats every day

A back-end developer

What web developers like bugs?

Spiders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

I got asked if i'd like to invest in the development of a new invisibility cloak.

I said no.


I just couldn't see it becoming a thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Anderson’s automobile suddenly developed a flat tire one night

Immediately outside the strong iron fence that walled off the local mental institution.

Annoyed but resigned, Anderson jacked up the car and prepared to replace the wheel. He took off the hubcap, unscrewed the lugnuts, which he placed in the hubcap, which in turn was resting in the road, and ...

Once I had developed my IQ

my life changed 360 degrees

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

Scientists have developed a new type of diode that reverses it's flow after around 66 years...

They are calling it the Jenner Diode!

In an effort to develop the World's first, true hover car...

.. scientists worked tirelessly.


(credit u/Merri)

Someone just asked me if I was interested in a job as a full-time PHP Developer.

I said, "Not even remotely."

Why did the PR guy develop a Type II diabetes?

Because he always sugarcoats everything he says and always eats his words.

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment

Ubisoft

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've developed a device that absorbs nutrients and water from biomass.

It'll be on the market soon, but for now it's still in testin'.

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

Did you hear that New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID?

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River. That stuff can kill anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

After a Coronavirus vaccine is developed

anti-vax people would need to make a very interesting choice

I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

Google, how much more time will it take to develop a self-driving car?

Way mo’

Good news! There are well over 100 labs in America working on developing a vaccine.

Just wait til they get the German shepherds involved!

They are developing a brand new fan technology

It's so cool

Why do frontend developers eat lunch alone?

Because they don't know how to join tables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

A new strain of Corona have developed...

Its basically the same, but wiser

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

Where do baby robots develop?

In the computerus.

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar

Bartender: "you having the usual?"

Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"

Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"

Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

I have developed a high tech algorithm to tell if a girl likes me

1. No

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

You haven't lived until you develop a foot Fetish...

Its toe-tally life changing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

Why are scientists that develop vaccinations sad?

Because all their work is in vein

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

I periodically see my doctor and our conversations go like this...

Doc: your diet isn't great. Don't you think you should try to easy off on the salt?

Me: Na

Doc: you really should. You might develop respiratory issues and have trouble breathing.

Me: O

Doc: and try eating more fruits. They'll give you more vitamins and minerals

Me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

My software developer friends tell me to stop exposing them to COVID-19 jokes...

.. but I tell them it's the best way to achieve nerd immunity.

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

A company develops a machine for evaluating IQ.

The scientists developing it asks for the help of the supervisor, manager and president of the firm to test the machine.


When the supervisor places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 160', and he was very impressed.


When the manager places his head on the machine, it re...

Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the web developer say after oral sex?

</head>

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.