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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Everyone wants to be a developer or programmer nowadays...

But the only soft wear I'm interested in is a cardigan.

I have developed an irrational fear of elevators

Thankfully, I can take steps to avoid them.

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

E-commerce company Alibaba Group announced that they are developing a password manager. Jack Ma has revealed that it will be open-source, a first for the company.

The product will tentatively be named OpenSesame.

Are you a software developer?

Because you got back-end skills

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

Did you hear about the first company to develop the warp drive?

They are light years ahead of the competition!

I have developed a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realization.

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

What do you call someone who develops cutlery

A cutting edge technologist *cue groans*

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

What do an infant and a Polaroid have in common?

If you shake them too much, they don't develop properly.

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

Did I tell you the story of Yogi developing a stutter?

It bears repeating.

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

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[Long] It's 1916 and the Germans have developed a new cipher that is proving hard to crack...

A rightfully annoyed British high command therefore advertises the job "military radio decrypter" in all the newspapers across the country and sure enough, some people attempt to apply for the job.

Outside the recruitment office there's a long line of men and women eager to help the war effor...

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts

I'm going to call it leave me the fuh cologne

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

I got a 23 and Me test to see if I’m going to develop Alzheimer’s.

I forgot the results.

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.

Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.

Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

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You can develop hearing problems from having too much sex...

A doctor is lecturing a patient on his hearing loss. He says "You can develop hearing problems from having too much sex, if it's a very specific kind of very kinky, very immoral sex."

The patient says "What kind is it?".

The doctor replied "Oh, it s about a quarter to three..."

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Einstein developed a theory about space...

And it was about time too.

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

Maybe if I develop feelings for COVID-19 it will leave.

It always happens with girls.

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

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A guy develops a dark spot on his forehead.

He goes to the doctor. The doctor looks and says:
“I’ve read about this before. In a month you’ll have a full sized penis growing out of your forehead.”
The man’s eyes go wide and he says:
“Well then operate! Get rid of it!”
The doctor shakes his head. “It’s connected to your brain. If I...

I’m worried I’m developing a fetish for architecture

but I’ll cross that bridge when I come on it.

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

Why did the game developer say the sky was blue?

So everyone would have to go outside to check

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

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I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

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As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

Why do bots have nice asses?

Because of the back end developers.

I developed a new crunchy snack made out of duck bills.

I call them Quackers.

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iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

A collaborative study titled "Feed the World" about the awareness of wintertime rituals in developing countries has been published...

by D. Oothey, K. Nowitz, Chris Mas, T. Ime et al.

What car develops over a long period of time?

A Volvo

Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?

he was developing latest hedge cutting technology

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

An old woman is offered a covid vaccine at her senior home.

She refuses it and says "I have faith in God to protect me."

A week later, her nurse daughter calls her and tells her that she can come into the clinic and get her the vaccine quickly that day. Again, the woman refuses and says "I have faith in god to protect me."

Several weeks pass, ...

I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

Why did the PR guy develop a Type II diabetes?

Because he always sugarcoats everything he says and always eats his words.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

In an effort to develop the World's first, true hover car...

.. scientists worked tirelessly.


(credit u/Merri)

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Tracy is invited to her new boyfriends house for dinner.

She is very nervous because this will be her first time meeting his family. She enters the house and meets the family, however she is still
very uneasy about the whole experience. She really likes her new boyfriend and wants to make a great first impression. 

They all sit at the table wh...

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Just developed an app that let's me condense really long paragraphs into a couple of lines.

I've always struggled with being able to express myself in fewer words and hence had to find something that would help me So I booted up my pc and got to coding until I finally did it! I successfully created an app that reads through all my typed and creates the most optimal sentence to summarise ev...

I am software developer..

I would have loved to make a joke UDP but don't think I will get any acknowledgement.

How do you tell the difference between yogurt and Australia?

If you leave yogurt in the sun for 250 years, it’ll develop culture.

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they’re all too busy for Reddit after today’s announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

Where do baby robots develop?

In the computerus.

The Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passenger...

I got asked if i'd like to invest in the development of a new invisibility cloak.

I said no.


I just couldn't see it becoming a thing.

Once I had developed my IQ

my life changed 360 degrees

Why are scientists that develop vaccinations sad?

Because all their work is in vein

You haven't lived until you develop a foot Fetish...

Its toe-tally life changing.

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

Did you hear that New York State developed its own hand sanitizer to combat COVID?

They filled small bottles with water from the Hudson River. That stuff can kill anything.

A company develops a machine for evaluating IQ.

The scientists developing it asks for the help of the supervisor, manager and president of the firm to test the machine.


When the supervisor places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 160', and he was very impressed.


When the manager places his head on the machine, it re...

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

They developed a new yogurt for people who don't move around very much.

It's called Inactivia.

After years of working his way up through the Dove Soap Company, Jedidiah Kermin was finally promoted to CEO.

Jeb was ecstatic and ready to lead the company into a new golden age of soap making. He was determined to shake up the industry and leave a true legacy for himself. So he went to product development and told them that what Dove needed was to make a soap that could clean people faster than any other ...

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

What web developers like bugs?

Spiders

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If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

After a Coronavirus vaccine is developed

anti-vax people would need to make a very interesting choice

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

Someone just asked me if I was interested in a job as a full-time PHP Developer.

I said, "Not even remotely."

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

Scientists have developed a new type of diode that reverses it's flow after around 66 years...

They are calling it the Jenner Diode!

Why do frontend developers eat lunch alone?

Because they don't know how to join tables.

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

Why do most software developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

They are developing a brand new fan technology

It's so cool

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I've developed a device that absorbs nutrients and water from biomass.

It'll be on the market soon, but for now it's still in testin'.

If a crack develops in your backyard...

Is it your fault?

A new strain of Corona have developed...

Its basically the same, but wiser

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