UPJOKE
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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem

They deployed the swat team.

A couple are starting to develop forgetfulness

An 80-year old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told th...

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I'm developing a scent for introverts. It's called...

..... Leave Me the Fuck Cologne!

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

Death Penalty Abolished In Most Of The Developed Countries

They have mortgage as an alternative.

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The makers of Viagra have announced that they have developed a pill to increase the wetness in women.

They're calling it Niagra.

A software developer walks into a pub

A software developer walks into a pub:

Runs into a pub,

Crawls into a pub,

Dances into a pub,

flies into a pub,

and orders:

1 Beer

2 Beers

"qwertyuiop" Beers

Beers

\-1 Beers

Content, he leaves

A customer walks in and...

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I just got done watching a show with unlikable characters, bullshit plot developments, and a depressing ending.

It's called "The News."

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I'm surprised anyone's shocked by Natalie Portman's character development in Love & Thunder.

If I was fucked by Chris Hemsworth I'd be pretty thor too.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

Kitty

A cat walks into a bar and orders coffee. The waiter is speechless and seeing this, the cat asks:

\- Is anything the matter?

\- Well, yeah.. you're a cat.

\- So?

\- You can talk..

\- I fail to see the problem. Please get me my order.

\- Right away, it's just...

A salesman decided to venture into a new housing development.

He thought no other salesmen would have gone there because it was a new development. He wanted to be the first one, the early bird. So he knocked on the very first house that he saw there. A lady came and opened the door. Without giving her a chance to speak, he slipped into her house, took out A LO...

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

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Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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A man wanted to marry 3 women, so he developed a test to see which was the most fit.

he decided to give them each 10,000 dollars to see what they did.

the first women got plastic surgery and told him, “Look, I made myself extremely beautiful just for you!”

the second bought him many gifts and said, “Look! I have given you all the gifts I can!”

the third invested...

I was reading that they had developed a breast prosthetic made of oak

That would be really weird, wooden tit?

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

I am thinking of developing a dating app for rich old guys.

I will call it "22 and Me".

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

I'm developing my own mens fragrance...

I'm going to call it, "Leave Me The Fuh Cologne."

What is a web developer's favorite sport?

<body> building

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

I have developed an irrational fear of elevators

Thankfully, I can take steps to avoid them.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

an immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped...

the kidnapper threatens to shoot one of them. but will spare the one who has made the greater contribution to mankind. the cardiologist says " i've developed drugs that saved millions of lives". the kidnapper turns to the immunologist: " and what have you done...? " the immunologist pauses and then ...

I have developed a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realization.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...

...boys develop them around the age of forty.

I'm surprised Peter Parker chose photography as a side-hustle...

He seemed like a natural fit for web-development.

Everyone wants to be a developer or programmer nowadays...

But the only soft wear I'm interested in is a cardigan.

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

Are you a software developer?

Because you got back-end skills

How do you seduce a photographer?

Turn off the lights and see if anything develops.

Microsoft is developing a new Windows version for Texas

It has no Cancel/Abort options and doesn't use the Screenshot word.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

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You can develop hearing problems from having too much sex...

A doctor is lecturing a patient on his hearing loss. He says "You can develop hearing problems from having too much sex, if it's a very specific kind of very kinky, very immoral sex."

The patient says "What kind is it?".

The doctor replied "Oh, it s about a quarter to three..."

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Maybe if I develop feelings for COVID-19 it will leave.

It always happens with girls.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

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As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

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[Long] It's 1916 and the Germans have developed a new cipher that is proving hard to crack...

A rightfully annoyed British high command therefore advertises the job "military radio decrypter" in all the newspapers across the country and sure enough, some people attempt to apply for the job.

Outside the recruitment office there's a long line of men and women eager to help the war effor...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

Did I tell you the story of Yogi developing a stutter?

It bears repeating.

I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car.

But they're having trouble installing windows.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

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How "Clippy" the Microsoft assistant came to be

It started when 3 Microsoft developers had the idea for an assistant. The proof-of-concept was initially a "stick man". They showed it to Bill Gates and he said he liked it, just change this, change this, and this too...

By the time Bill Gates was done with it, the stick man had its head so ...

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

It took 26 years for Einstein to develop a theory about space.

It was about time, too.

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

Why did the PR guy develop a Type II diabetes?

Because he always sugarcoats everything he says and always eats his words.

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

In an effort to develop the World's first, true hover car...

.. scientists worked tirelessly.


(credit u/Merri)

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

did you know that bees are allergic to pollen?

Because when they get exposed to them they develop hives

What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.

Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.

Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to he...

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

Why are scientists that develop vaccinations sad?

Because all their work is in vein

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I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

What do you call someone who develops cutlery

A cutting edge technologist *cue groans*

I’m worried I’m developing a fetish for architecture

but I’ll cross that bridge when I come on it.

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

Where do baby robots develop?

In the computerus.

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

You haven't lived until you develop a foot Fetish...

Its toe-tally life changing.

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

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If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

I think the tomatoes in my garden are actually round red time travelers.

They all seem to be developing wormholes.

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

Why did the game developer say the sky was blue?

So everyone would have to go outside to check

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

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Russian jokes under communism

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, t...

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

I developed a new crunchy snack made out of duck bills.

I call them Quackers.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, thats a hardware issue.

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A young cowboy goes off to college.

Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

“Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How...

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