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Purchases Jokes

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.


"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.

"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking th...

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A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.

What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.

Punny purchases

Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank, an aerospace engineer, purchases an old iPod and fills it with his favorite bands...

He's in his office trying to get his newly acquired gadget to work when the janitor, Joe, walks into the office and asks, "Hey man, what are you listening to?"


Frank replies, "Nothing yet! I can't get this damn thing to work! Can you help me?"


Joe decides to gives it a shot, s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had my identity stolen by a rhino once. Had a bunch of purchases from Victoria Secret.

Guess he was horny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying...

A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying. The detector is a small robot. He tries it at dinner for the first time.

Father: 'Hey son, what you've done this morning?'

Son: 'I was in school.'

*Robot slaps son*

Son: 'Okay, I've been watchin a movie i...

Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.

A blonde woman is distraught because she thinks her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and purchases a handgun...

The following day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous brunette.

She grabs the gun and holds it against her own temple.

The husband immediately jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde yells, "Shut up! You're next!!"

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question...

The owner of a new liquor store noticed that his PoS system was always calculating the tax on hard liquor purchases to be $4.09

He placed a support call to the company that sold him the system and they sent an engineer to investigate. The engineer sat at the terminal for half hour and came back to the owner and reported that he had fixed it. He said, "It was a sin tax error."

So a snail walks into a dealership

and purchases a car, proceeds to ask the salesman to put eggs on the front, eggs on the roof, and eggs on the trunk.

Bewildered the salesman ask, excuse but why would you want to put eggs all over your car.

Snail replies, because when I drive down the road very fast I want peop...

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