Bargain Jokes - 83 Hilarious Bargain Jokes

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give...

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." S...

I recently taught my daughter the definition of bargain

She said “thanks dad that means a great deal”

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

Did you hear about the guy that stopped a robbery at his favorite bargain pizza place?

He wanted to save some dough.

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A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

A bargain is something you don’t need

at a price you can’t resist.

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Redneck learns more than he bargained for

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good ...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

"Darn, he recognized ...

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

Bargaining

A visitor to my market stall was insistent on bargaining. I said "sir, this is America, we don't negotiate with tourists."

What do you call a bread merchant that drives a hard bargain?

Naan-negotiable!

Shoes are a bargain.

I bought two for the price of one.

I made a bargain when building my new home.

The slater just told me that the roof is on the house.

I recently brought a car with a new company called Bargain.

As the name suggests, they’re cheap. Tires aren’t great and it’s not very efficient. Worst of all are the seats. I mean, they’re uncomfortable and really flat. Anyway, I picked up my friend one day, and I was telling her all about Bargain. She too clocked the flatness of the seats. When we arrived a...

parking space bargain

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miracul...

Found a great bargain at the second hand shop.

Now I just need to buy the rest of the watch.

I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.

When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.

I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'

The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'

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"The best things in life aren't forced. Force something, and you'll likely end up with more than you bargained for."

No one knows who this quote is from, but most agree that it was probably just some asshole

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

I went to a funeral last week and the widow agreed to let me say a word ... 'BARGAIN', I shouted.

'Thanks', she said, 'That meant a great deal'.

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Saw a sign in a pet shop window today for a talking centipede, for only $500.00! I thought to myself, "What a bargain!" and I took it home in a little box...

When we got home, I opened it up and asked the centipede if it would like to go down to the bar for a beer, but the centipede didn't answer.

A couple of minutes later, I asked again, but still no response.

I started to get a little ticked off, thinking, maybe this little bugger can't ...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad..

Says the agent: "Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."

The lady: "Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"

The agent: "Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Aus...

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Jesus had long hair

A teenager was entering his senior year of high school. His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him.

"Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate."

The son accepted the chal...

I just lost my job as a clown, so I'm selling my car...

It's a bargain: one owner, 11000 miles, seats 26

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

Knock Knock

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Door mom.

Door mom who?

Door mom who, I've come to bargain!

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

two friars lose their job when the church shuts down...

...So they decide to start a flower shop. Business is good 'cause everyone wanted to buy flowers from the "Men of God", so good, in fact, that their competitor florist, Frank, wasn't getting any business. So he heads to the friars shop to bargain. Frank said "hey, could you close down for a while, o...

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

What do you call being stoned, naked and stabbed?

A bargain. The best I ever had.

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a ...

A woman walks into a shop and tells the clerk she's looking for a new bag.

The clerk says "Right this way--we've got a great selection."

The woman picks out a bag, the clerk takes it to the counter and looks it over before saying "Great choice...and a bargain at £50. Very spacious too; you'll be able to fit nearly anything in here."

"Why this wallet fits," th...

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

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I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job

£50 for a blow job

£80 for sex

And for £120, i'll do anything!

Anything hmmm....

She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
...

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

Alligator Shoes. (Long)

A Blonde woman walked into a small Louisiana shoe store, and looked around at all of the footwear on display. After a few moments, a salesman walked over to her, and politely asked “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Yes,” the blonde woman replied, “I’m interested in these alligator leather shoes.” Sh...

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse…

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse, and he walks up to the local horse dealer and asks him about the horses he has to offer.

The horse dealer is telling the cowboy about one of the horses when the cowboy begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the cowboy’s spotted the most ...

Knock Knock

-who’s there?

-Doorman

-Doorman who?

-Dormammu, I’ve come to bargain.

Holiday

Just walked past the Butchers Shop window, sign says Turkey £29. That's a bargain! £150 more at Thomas Cook. (UK only joke)

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

There are things worse than death

A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved.

He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of y...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

Just came back from Dubai where a sheik offered me 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but who could resist a bargain like that?

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention.

He’s driving down the strip when he sees a hooker who tells him, “Yoo Hoo! I’m selling!” They strike a bargain and do the big nasty.

When he returns home, he discovers he’s contracted gonorrhea. He’s on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around again and he flies ba...

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I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

The three stuttering Irishmen..

A very attractive young female speech pathologist was presented with three young Irishmen, all of whom stuttered. She spent many long hours working with them both individually and as a group. She tried everything in the book. Finally, totally perplexed by their lack of progress she called them all ...

When people ask me about my prosthetic arm

I tell them it was crazy expensive. It costs an arm and a leg, but I was able to bargain.

What do you call a hobbit who’s a savvy shopper?

Bilbo Bargains

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We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..."

I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

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An old married couple are reminiscing about their marriage

The husband says to the wife, "Do you remember when we first got married? Lived in that crappy little studio apartment, had that tiny black and white TV, and drove that rusty old Ford? My only consolation was getting to go to bed every night with a hot 22 year old. Now we have this huge house with a...

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3 Men with stutters go to see a speech therapist to help them with their stutters and after a few months of therapy that isn't going very well one day the therapist thinks of a solution...

...the therapist then turns around to them and says "right, if you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering...I'll give each of you a blowjob, right here, right now!

she then steps up to the first man and asks him, "where were you born?"

the first man says "B B B B B B B Bir...

A man walks into a bar and approaches a woman

He asks, "would you sleep with me for $100,000?"
She replies "sure!"
And then he asks "ok, how about $10"?
She says "what kind of girl do you think I am?"
He replies "we already established that, what I am doing now is bargaining"

I'll never forget what my Dad told me before he bought the farm.

"Wow, what a bargain!"

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

Purebred Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred police dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she tele...

Today my wife couldn't decide what to wear. She put on countless outfits just to tear them off in frustration. She made me sit though the whole process while i was like:

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

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A farmer buys a young cock (another version)

He puts him out in the yard with the rest of the chickens and the old rooster he's supposed to replace. The older rooster starts to bargain with the younger one: "How 'bout we split the harem 50/50," he says. The younger rooster isn't having any of it.

"OK, then let's have a race around the h...

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My brother recently got a pocket protector

All of his friends laughed at it, but I was amazed. It's such a bargain, because not only does it protect the content of your pockets, but it also protects your virginity.

The only reason a Hillary Clinton presidency would be good for our country

At $0.78 cents to the dollar, she'd be a bargain for our country

A Black Jewish Boy Runs Home To His Dad...

He asks his father, "Dad am I more Jewish or more black?"
"Why do you care?" responds the father.
"Because there is a kid selling a bike for $50 and I am considering whether to bargain for $40 or just steal it!"

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The 5 stages of grief

Denial - You can't fuck with me!

Anger - Don't you dare fuck with me!!

Bargaining - How bout I fuck you instead!

Depression - I'm going to get fucked aren't I?

Acceptance - Choke me daddy

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Guys asks random girl on street if he can bite her tits...

Girl: "No, absolutely not!"

Guy: "What If I pay you $100?"

Girl: "No thanks. Keep your money...."

Guy: "How about $1,000?"

Girl: "I don't think so...."

Guy: "Okay lady, you drive a hard bargain. I'll give you $10,000 if you let me bite your tits!"

Girl: "......

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

Thanksgiving Special

Three guys visit a hooker on Thanksgiving Day.
"How much do you charge?" They ask.
"Thanksgiving Special today only! $10 an inch." She replies.

The first guy takes his turn, comes back out and says, "That was $75 well spent!"

The second guy takes his turn and comes bac...

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “T...

A woman walks into a pet store...

And eyes a beautiful parrot with a muzzle on its beak. She's curious about the muzzle and asks a clerk why the parrot was muzzled. The clerk tells her that the parrot once belonged to a very salty pirate and that it has the filthiest mouth he's ever heard.
She sees the possibility of a discount ...

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Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STE...

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

Letter to Tide from beloved consumer

Dear Tide

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. My wife started to berate me about my clumsiness and how expensive the shirt was. That I was stupid, couldn't even hold a glass rig...

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi were at a cafe, having a discussion...

when an old man walks up to them. "Excuse me, you shepherds of faith, but I've been told I'm going to die soon, and I'm worried I won't be able to take my riches with me. But I want to help out your causes as well, so I figure you can help me. I've never been a man of faith, but to cover my bets, I'...

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Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/16-3/22

A new study shows sugary drinks cause over 180k deaths a year, only 4 of which are from being crushed by a soda machine. I like those odds!

Japan has created a remote controlled mobile toilet, because sometimes you just gotta go.

A North Korean spokesman has said that its nuclear arms ...

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