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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

Paul Walker and Vin Diesel have a lot in common.

Both of their last big hits have been trees.

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

I have a lot of jokes on unemployed people...

But none of them work

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

I said to my teenage son "There are two words I'm hearing a lot, and they're starting to grate"

"I'd like you to stop using them so much, please. One of them is 'cringe' and the other is 'epic'. Do you think you could manage that?"

He said "Sure, Dad -- what are the two words?"

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[NSFW] Sex is a lot like having a conversation.

When one person is in control, the other person is sitting there going "Yea! Yea!... Oh! Yea, oh god...Yea! Yea!....

How can you get a lot of karma from one post?

I don't know but it's probably a piece of cake.

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

my parents must be getting invited to a lot of parties

because at night all i can hear is “ oh yeah i’m gonna come”


side note: why am i never invited to these parties?

Dating is a lot like fishing.

Sure, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I’m just stuck here holding my rod.

Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?

Baron Wasteland.

A hammer has a lot of uses

For example, it can be a bus pass, or a dinner coupon.

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Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions?

A philosiraptor.

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cow.

What do you call a river amphibian that spends a lot of time on the dark web?

Haxolotl

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I play battlefield and I switch teams a lot. Yesterday I found out why

I’m part Italian

I've always had a lot of respect for single moms

That's why i go to the strip clubs and donate my dollar bills.

Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person;

It's bound to come up sooner or later!

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin

...how is that guy still alive?

I know there's a lot of people who don't want to wear masks, but you know what I don't get?

Coronavirus.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

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There was a family living on a farm with a lot of cows.

One night misteriously all of the cows died and in the morning the father gathered his 3 sons and said to the oldest of them:

"Son, I give you this money so you can buy us new cows. However on your way to town don't take the shortcut!"

And so wandered the oldest son out of the farm. On...

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Jokes have a lot in common with farts...

If you have to try too hard, it's probably shit.

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid...

..but I always found 'em.

I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations-

What do angles fish for in heaven?
Holy mackerels

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

You can tell a lot about a girl just from looking at her ankles

For example, if they’re behind her head, she likes you.

So I heard a lot of protestors are getting bagged by the police...

I guess they'll go to court on Trumped-up charges.

I talk to myself a lot

Hey me too!

I know a lot of jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has heard it before

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me.

Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

2 women are in an elevator and a man with a lot of danruff walks in and gets off the next floor down.

One woman turns to the other and say "We should have given him Head and Shoulders?"


The other asks "How do you give shoulders?"

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

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Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to...

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

It being Father’s Day, it got me thinking... Dads are a lot like boomerangs.

I hope.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

I feel sad a lot...

Even my cake is in tiers

My wife and I have been arguing a lot because she thinks I’m too pedantic

So I’ve started drinking.

She told me, “Alcohol isn’t a solution.”

“Actually,” I replied “it’s excellent at dissolving many substances.”

You can tell a lot about a person...

But it won't understand you.

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

My relationships are a lot like algebra.

I often look at my X and wonder Y.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Well, three to be exact.

I've noticed a lot of translated jokes lately, and wanted to try one myself

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

Hamsters are a lot like cigarettes.

They're perfectly harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.



\- John Branyon

A joke my grandpa told a lot.

Man 1: My dog drank some gasoline.

Man 2: What happened?

Man 1: He ran around like crazy for an hour then fell over.

Man 2: Did he die?

Man 1: No he ran out of gas.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

These days America has a lot in common with my wife's legs,

I'm dying for them to reopen.

A lot of people think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid

I always tell them, “don’t worry, I can stop whenever I want.”

"There are a lot of false quotes on the internet."

-Abraham Lincoln

I've had it with people reposting that joke that mistakenly implies that "plethora" means "a lot".

It's too much.

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Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

I believe a lot of conflict in the west

Could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone

Drugs are a lot like women...

If you abuse them. Crystal, Mary Jane, and Molly will destroy your life.

My Physics teacher said to me: you have a lot of potential. You should use it.

We were at the top of the building.

A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

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Sex is a lot like math

You add the bed

You subtract the clothes

You divide the legs

And you pray you don't multiply!

I ate a lot of alphabet soup ..

.. and later had a large vowel movement.

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You know who’s still best friends after going through a lot of shit together?

Your butt cheeks.

Friends are a lot like penguins

If you stab them, they die

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

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What amusement park ride has a lot of iron?

The ferous wheel.

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

I asked a Buddha what it would take to get a lot of good sweet karma in the easiest way possible today.

He said it’s a secret.

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

Quarantine would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't stuck in a room with my least favorite person.

I should get roommates.

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

COVID reminds me a lot of my ex,

because my mom won't stop talking about it, and it's now responsible for quite a few infections.

I've been spending a lot of time trying to come up with a way to wear my mask incorrectly.

I feel like the answer has been right under my nose this whole time.

(Edit: i actually think it would actually be worded better as "i finally found a way to wear my mask incorrectly")

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I heard there’s been a lot of jokes in our premature ejaculation support group lately.

But when I came, everyone just shut up.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

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Going to the bathroom for a poop is a lot like going to the office

You're always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you're doing the job in there right now but you're actually browsing reddit because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up. This is not a shitpost.

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

I think if women really got to know me they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter bunny.

On the outside sweet but Hollow and disappointing on the inside.

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[NSFW] I've been working from home lately and I find my motivation is a lot like masturbation...

...It comes and goes in spurts.

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My penis is a lot like an image of a convex lens

Virtual, erect and highly diminished

During isolation I have a lot of time to practice my bowling..

There’s no rest for the wickets

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A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way

they both like to photo synthesize

Polish is a lot like Finnish

Theyre both used to make furniture shine

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

That just makes a lot of sense

Did you know that the past tense of the word "read" is Reddit?

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

I know a lot of Eminem jokes,

but the chances that you'll get them is slim.

[OC] My kids seem to magically only get sick on school days...and quite a lot of them.

It's like they've got weekend immune systems.

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Anal sex is a lot like my first car...

I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

A lot of people thought bio-warfare was overpowered.

That's why it was banned from competitive use.

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

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In my experience women are a lot like Rubik’s Cubes.

They are incapable of achieving orgasms

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

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I used to do a lot of porn...

Until my uncle went to jail.

It took a lot of work and thousands of hours from thousands of people, but the human race made sure to get to the moon by ‘69.

Nice.

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When I eat a lot of veggies I tend to poop a lot...

Guess that’s why they call it pro-deuce.

I bet a lot of people are going to be born Jan 12th.

Since everyone is egg hunting right now

While working as a prison guard in Prague, part of my job included a lot of walking up and down the prison corridors.

I used to pass a lot of bad Czechs.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

Bread is a lot like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

I have a lot of respect for people who can survive in the mighty jungle

But I guess, where there's a wim there's a weh

I just did something that took a lot of balls.

I used them as a Newton's cradle.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

My friend Stewie used to start a lot of fights

That's why everyone called him


Beef Stew

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

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