A Lot Jokes - 140 Hilarious A Lot Jokes

Voting is a lot like driving

To go backwards, choose “R”.

To go forward, choose “D”.

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

Like a lot of men my age..

I'm 52.

A lot of people are pretty upset about “fat shaming” jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

I have a lot of unemployed people jokes

Sadly none of them work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

There's a lot of discrimination against us paraplegic people,

And we won't stand for that!

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Procrastination is a lot like masturbation..

It feels nice at the time, but ultimately you’re just fucking yourself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with me is a lot like hide and seek

I count down from 10 and shout “Ready or not, here I come”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

A lot of people don't like Mondays

But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

I just came into a lot of money

Normally I use tissues

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

My girlfriend and Twitter have a lot in common.

For starters, I now refer to both as X

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pooping is a lot like math.

When it’s hard, sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

A chemistry lab is a lot like a party...

Some people drop acid while others drop the base.

Needed: people with a lot of self control

for working at a bubble wrap factory.

I learn a lot from my mistakes

I think it's time to make a few more.

What do you call a man who steals a lot?

Rob

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A casino is a lot like sex.

Liquor in the front.
Poker in the back.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas is a lot like sex

I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.

I’m going through a lot right now.

Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

Why you...

Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...

there's nothing like popping open a cold one!

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

My buddy Joe has lost a lot of weight on the new Dolly Parton diet.

It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

A lot of people get numerators and denominators mixed up...

But there's a fine line between the two

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.

Now that I listen to whole albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Woman are a lot like roller coasters

They mess with your heart, and most have a height limit to ride on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

A lot of people don't think Orpheus can get Eurydice back from the underworld...

...but I think he can can

I got a lot of "Happy Father's Day, Daddy" messages yesrerday...

I'm starting to think I spend way too much money on OnlyFans...

A lot is said...

A lot is said about the famous mutant Telepath, Professor X...

Less is said about his incredibly inquisitive younger brother, Professor Y.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat

I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ

.
.
None of them gave me a straight answer

A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

I'm pretty lucky, so recently I came into a lot money

Which is weird cuz normally i use a sock

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn is a lot like pro wrestling...

All of it is exciting at first, and it's great to watch when you're free, but when you know how much of it is fake, it gets boring fast.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

I've been driving a lot for work recently...

And it's been lonely but the other day it felt like my wife was with me. Google maps wouldn't talk to me, I didn't know what I'd done wrong and wasn't sure how to fix it.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

What do you call someone who likes to crack their knuckles a lot?

A crack addict

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to know a guy that had phone sex a lot…

Now he’s got hearing aids.

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Telling jokes is a lot like having sex

You can do it with one or more persons.

Others prefer to do it with an audience.

Some people like them dirty.

Others like them black.

Some people may choke.

And others may get offend.

But most of all... Not everyone gets it.

A lot of people say that I don’t have any Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons downloaded on my computer.

Santa gets around a lot just like Ludacris.

He ho ho ho's in different area codes.

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

What do you call a Poltergeist that nuts a lot?

A Ghostbuster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

XXX

I don’t have a lot of empathy or sympathy for anyone else.

Not sure how I feel about that.

I spent a lot of money on women and cars and whiskey…

The rest I wasted.

I spent a lot of time designing a belt buckle with a clock on it.

What a waist of time.

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?

Lo-fi

The baker’s new puppy cost a lot of dough.

He was a pure bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hiring a prostitute is a lot like eating at Subway

You pay someone else to do your wife’s job.

I wanted to buy a new car but I’ve read that there are a lot of counterfeits on the market nowadays

Guess I’ll just keep my Honda Prius then

In a small town, people sinned a lot.

The priest, an elderly man, was getting tired of constantly hearing the nasty term “adultery”, day after day in confessions.
So he created a code word for it. Whenever someone loses their mind, they must tell the priest in the confession: “Father, I fell.” As such, when someone confessed to have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple have a lot of sex

They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins.

Some say she cheated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland

But their flag is a big plus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your first car is a lot like anal...

...you don't really want it but your stepdad gives it to you anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...

... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond n...

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

What do you call a musician that gets hit in the head a lot?

A concussionist

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

I do a lot of naked modeling, but I never get paid for it.

I just do it for the exposure.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.