UPJOKE
thatthemalongthosebuthimhernotawayeachotherandanotherhimselffrom

With Jokes

Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a grenade

Then the grenade exploded.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes

Still haven't gotten a Gig though

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away

I got in a fight with 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?

It’s incest to have sex with sisters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

What do you call a yeti with a 6 pack?

The abdominal snowman

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The victim was found with semen in her ear

I guess you could say she could hear the killer coming.

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

I came up with this in math class

This guy goes to interview for a job. He’s really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying “Hi, my name is Karen”. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karen’s questions ...

What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

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What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

A man with dementia walks into a bar

He spots a pretty lady, sits next to her and asks, "So, do I come here often?"

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?

Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.

People really should have known what was going to happen with Communism

There were so many red flags

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Took my wife to the doctor to find out what’s going on with her??

Took my wife to the doctor to get looked at. The doctor says it could be two things either
A) She has aids or B) She has Alzheimer’s.

I asked the doctor how easy is it to tell which one she has.

He replies take her and drop her off in the woods. If she finds her way back home don’...

With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

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Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Chuck Norris killed 100 men with just one bullet

There was no gun

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Log

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry..."

"We only take cash or card.”

My boss calls me, “The Computer” but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop and nobody came.

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

My wife told me she’s had it with me talking like I’m the editor of a clickbait news site.

You won’t believe what happened next.

A young boy went to church with his mother

Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"

After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"

The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. A...

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino?

Ell if I know

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

A wife wants to try 69 with her husband

The husband says “what’s that”

“I’ll show you” the wife says

The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife

The wife straddles the husbands face and once again fa...

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

I knew a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

She said if you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

What do you call a dinosaur with a big vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

I struggle with Roman numerals...

Until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

I wrote a guide about dating guys with small d!cks.

It's called "He's not that into you."

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

A brunette housewife is chatting with her blonde friend on a Friday afternoon...

Brunette: "My husband came home today with a dozen red roses, that means I'm going to have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air."

Blonde: "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

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A restaurant worker was caught with his penis in the tomato slicer.

Both were fired on the spot.

President Joe Biden just had a meeting with the Cabinet.

Now he’s talking with the couch

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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What do you call a bodybuilder with a large penis?

A beginner.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

What do you call a horse with the horn? A unicorn. What do you call a horse without the horn?

A eunuchorn.

My wife ran away with my best friend

Never met the guy but now I consider him my best friend.

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

A badass is driving with his friend in a Ferrari, and he speeds past a red light

His friend shouts, "What are you doing?! You just ran that light!"

"I'm just a badass like that, what can I say?" He laughs.

He continues to speed through each red light, and his friend cowers and shouts at his friend all the way.

"I can't take it anymore! We're going to get hi...

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Did you guys hear about the kid born with no eye lids?

They made him some out of his foreskin. he came out a little cock eyed but other than that he’s fine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend got fired from his job at the pickle factory after he got caught with his penis in the pickle slicer.

As for the pickle slicer, she got fired, too.

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

A friend of mine invited me over for a threesome with a girl.

I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed. So I went over to his place and we got started. I just couldn't get into it. A half hour in, I started wondering when the girl is going to show up.

A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.

He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."

The bartender runs outside and sure enou...

What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?

Teapot

What does Mike Tyson use to chat with the Pope?

Faithtime

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.

He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

Elon is firing Twitter employees with bad posture

I have a hunch I might be next.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a human with a couch?

A Homosectional.

What do you call a shirt you go to war with?

A tank top!

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

What do you get when you cross the ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway.

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand

But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

I’m fed up with all these Chuck Norris jokes on this Sub!

If he’s such a tough badass, I dare him to come over here and smash my face against my keybhrbhdbvdggdvrvvhdhdbsbhdhebb

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I referenced video games too much.

That's such a ridiculous reason to Fallout 4.

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

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I watched that documentary about the guy who fell in love with his car.

I was fucking exhausting.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit.

I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese.

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Guy with an Orange Penis

Guy with an Orange Penis goes to the Drx and says "Doc, my penis turned orange"

The Doctor says " that's odd. Have you changed your behaviors recently, or diet, or is there an increase of stress in your life?"

Guy replies back " No, No, and no"

The Doctor says " Ok that's odd. N...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim

One night we were at the bar having a drink and I asked “Do you ever get tired of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?”

He replied: “Kim is at the bar getting the drinks. I’m his wife.”

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

what do you call a police officer with an IQ of 160?

Fired.

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What do you get when you cross a pickle with a deer?

A dildo.

What do you get when you cross an orca with a housecat?

An angry ethics committee and your grant revoked.

What do you call an orgy with 8 women?

Octopus.

What do you call foreplay with a hairy woman?

Beating around the bush.

what do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?

A force of habit

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

I threw a boomerang with some RAM attached to it

It really brought back memories

I have a real problem with rhino poaching.

You have to get the pan custom-made and then it takes forever to get the water hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no sex organs?

No fucking eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no sex organs, and no legs?

Still, no fucking eye-deer.

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

I filled my inflatable girlfriend up with helium.

Now she's playing hard to get.

What do you call an ape with a fetish?

Kink Kong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

I never wear any clothes with Velcro on them.

I just can’t pull it off.

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife

Friend: How did she marry you?

Billionaire: I lied about my age

Friend: You said 45?

Billionaire: No! I said 90!

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

I have a friend with Reverse Tourette Syndrome.

Random people just swear at them for no reason.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

Did you hear about the guy with a bear fetish?

When he learned that New Mexico is one of the only states in the US where bestiality is legal, he traveled there and went out to the mountains looking for some action.

He spotted a beautiful bear and went about trying to seduce it, but it kept running away. Finally, the man's charm overcame ...

what do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?

"Your honor"

Blonde

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but e...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

I was driving down the highway, and I saw a man hitchhiking with a sign that said “Heaven”.

So I hit him.

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What do you call a man with a condom over his nose?

Fuck knows.

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A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

"Oh my God, how the hell did that happen?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know, it started as a boil on my arse" replies the toad.

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What do you call the space between the breasts of a woman with implants?

Silicone valley

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Alyssa: “I’ve had it up to here with you, John! You think I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

John: “You want to know something? I do think you talk like a pirate! And I didn’t even know you sold flowers!

Why does Mrs. Dracula have a hard time sleeping with her husband?

Because he keeps coffin!

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

A man walks in a bar with a pistol and yells

Who the hell here f*ked my wife.
Everyone is quiet until a man at the back says"You ain't got enough bullets for that mate".

A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral

A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

What do you get if you cross a non-violent Indian with an anti-Semitic art school reject and a wizard?

Gandolf

A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight

He tells her, “Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won’t try anything else.”

The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it’s full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.

She replies, “It’s n...

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

A joke with no porpoise.

So there’s these two whales right? And they’re swimming in the ocean. So one whale looks at the other and says….

“OOoOoooOoooooOoooooOooooOoOooOoOoOooooooooOOOOOOOoooOoOoOoOoO *whale noises* oOoooOOo
OoooOOoOooOooOooooOooOoooooooOoOoOoOoooooOoooOOOOOooooo”

Then the other whale says…...

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

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A man is driving back home with a smile

His wife had promised him sex once he returned home. Half way there he had a brilliant idea. He pulled up to the side of the road, layed under his car so it would look like he is fixing something, closed his eyes, thought of his wife and started to masturbate. A few minutes go by and the man suddenl...

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

What do you call a Hispanic with a vascetomy?

A dry Martinez.

What do you call a nuclear scientist with a bad lisp?

An unclear scientist.

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Marco and Luigi are sitting on a park bench

Marco says, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women with de big saggy titties?
Luigi replies, "No, I donna likea de big saggy titties."
Marco thinks and asks, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women wid de big fat belly?
Luigi says, "No Marco, I no likea de big fat belly."
Marco thinks for a second and asks...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card

It only takes off 20%

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What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

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