UPJOKE
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I can't lift a ton of chicken soup but I can lift a ton of pho.

Because a pho ton is light.

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

I have a ton of jokes about retired people.

None of them work.

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

What do you say when a bunch of cows eat a ton of weed?

“The steaks are high.”

There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

I asked my friend to spell won ton backwards…

He said “not now”

A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I have a ton of jokes about measles!

Though, you vaccinated folks won't get them

Dab ton.

It's admittedly not the best joke, but it's not bad if you read it backwards.

20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had...

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

What do you get when a 50 ton duck stomps on the ground?

An earthquack.

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

How many of the phrases in English are palindromes?

Not a ton

Just saved a ton of money on my car insurance...

By switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

I have tons of LGBTQ friends, so I asked them what LGBTQ meant.

I couldn't get a straight answer

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

I have a ton of money!

A dude goes up to his friend and says, "Dude! I have a TON of money in my bank account!"

His friend replies, "Oh, yeah? What's your balance?!"

To which he replies, "£2000"

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

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I have a ton of jokes about blow jobs

But all of them suck......

I just spent a ton of money on a new gaming rig

It set me back about £2,000

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There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

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I've had sex with a ton of women.

Or 6 if we are going by individuals.

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

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I've seen a ton of shit in my lifetime but this year exceeded everything.

I need to stop looking in toilets.

A man spends a ton of time looking for the sun..

Then it dawned on him.

What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

My one friend does a ton of cocaine but says he won’t take the vaccine

Awfully scared of needles

It's my cake day but I'm really sad. My wife and I got into a huge fight. She went shopping and spent a ton of money on a bag of pasta.

Can you believe that? A bag of pasta!

She insists it will be worth every penne.

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

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A ton of elderly people died from having sex.

Man, it must be the strokes.

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

To everyone buying up tons of toilet paper:

You should get a bidet. It'd be right up your alley.

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

What weighs 100 pounds in the morning, one ton in the afternoon, and 2 pounds at night?

A Portuguese man's wife.


"Do the laundry you witch!" he yells at her in the morning.

"Wash the dishes you cow!" he yells at her in the afternoon.

"Come to bed my little dove," he whispers to her at night.


Translation might be slightly off as it's an old Brasilian ...

Over the years I’ve slept with a ton of women

Now does that sound better than saying I’ve only banged your mum and sister?

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

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I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co...

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today...

They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

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It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

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My child-free blog is attracting a ton of pedophiles.

It's called "Fuck Kids".

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hic...

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

How many girls do you have to date before you’ve dated literally tons of girls?

Half an American girl or 14 French girls.

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So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

Lady asked her doctor, "My husband has taken to eating dog food. It's bland, boring and it's helping him lose a ton of weight. Cheap too."



The doctor told her that it wouldn't harm him, as long as he took a multivitamin to replace the C and B vitamins that are deficient in dog food.

Six months later, he saw her in the grocery store, "How's your husband doing on the dog food diet?"

"He died."

"What! Real...

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What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.

After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.

Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.

On closer inspection, the ...

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