UPJOKE
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It's my cake day but I'm really sad. My wife and I got into a huge fight. She went shopping and spent a ton of money on a bag of pasta.

Can you believe that? A bag of pasta!

She insists it will be worth every penne.

I have a ton of jokes about retired people.

None of them work.

I have tons of LGBTQ friends, so I asked them what LGBTQ meant.

I couldn't get a straight answer

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

What do you get when a 50 ton duck stomps on the ground?

An earthquack.

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Greek are captured by cannibals in Africa.

The chief of the tribe offers to free anyone who succeeds in three tests: drink a ton of wine, pull a thorn from the sacred lion's foot, and have sex with his hundred-year-old grandmother.
They lead the Englishman to the wine hut, he starts drinking but doesn't even get halfway through. The nat...

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Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

In 7th grade we had a quiz where we were asked "what did France set up during the French Revolution." They marked me wrong and I'm still a little upset about it.

I still maintain "tons and tons of guillotines" is a correct answer

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Shocking story

A small kid asked his wealthy self-made friend (that is also a small kid) the secret behind him making hundreds of dollars everytime he speaks to an adult that he knows, and his buddy replied "the secret is telling the adult I know everything, they will simply tell you to keep your mouth shut and ha...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See a...

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?

Won Ton

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

Dab ton.

It's admittedly not the best joke, but it's not bad if you read it backwards.

What is the heaviest soup?

Won Ton soup.

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

I have a ton of jokes about measles!

Though, you vaccinated folks won't get them

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I've seen a ton of shit in my lifetime but this year exceeded everything.

I need to stop looking in toilets.

I just spent a ton of money on a new gaming rig

It set me back about £2,000

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

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I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

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I have a ton of jokes about blow jobs

But all of them suck......

Two blondes are in an elevator…

… on one floor a man gets on and stand between them. He’s wearing a black shirt and he had a ton of dandruff on his shoulders.

After he gets off the elevator one blonde says to the other “man that guy can really use some Head & Shoulders.”

The other blonde asks “how do you give sho...

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

I have a ton of money!

A dude goes up to his friend and says, "Dude! I have a TON of money in my bank account!"

His friend replies, "Oh, yeah? What's your balance?!"

To which he replies, "£2000"

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What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

Just saved a ton of money on my car insurance...

By switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

I saw this great movie while staying at this hotel. It had a ton of gunfights, cowboys, and saloons.

It was The Best Western I’ve ever seen.

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

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It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

A man spends a ton of time looking for the sun..

Then it dawned on him.

What was the nickname for the man who won a ton of soup?

Wonton

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

I heard Microsoft tried to change the file path separator in Windows

but it received tons of backslash from the community.

--
Source: Aaron Peterson, Twitter.

If someone got hit by a ton of bricks and survived,

how would they describe it?

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

Over the years I’ve slept with a ton of women

Now does that sound better than saying I’ve only banged your mum and sister?

What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

To everyone buying up tons of toilet paper:

You should get a bidet. It'd be right up your alley.

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

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A ton of elderly people died from having sex.

Man, it must be the strokes.

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There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

I saw an ad looking for a bike for an 11 year old boy.

Terrible trade. He eats a ton and is not a hard worker.

20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had...

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

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So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

How do you pay off a ton of debt in London?

£2,000

A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

No smoking

A guy walks into a bar and immediately goes to the bartender to complain. "Did you know there are a couple of guys standing out front right by your door smoking?" the guy asks. "There was no way to come inside without being covered in smoke." "Dang it, not again!" the bartender exclaims as he heads ...

On the first day of COVID my illness gave to me…

An anxious uncertainty

On the second day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the third day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Three tons of mucous
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the fourth da...

How many girls do you have to date before you’ve dated literally tons of girls?

Half an American girl or 14 French girls.

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

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My child-free blog is attracting a ton of pedophiles.

It's called "Fuck Kids".

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

Why did the farmer decide to become a DJ after a failed produce?

Because he had a ton of sick beets

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

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