I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds

Over the years I’ve slept with a ton of women

Now does that sound better than saying I’ve only banged your mum and sister?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ton of elderly people died from having sex.

Man, it must be the strokes.

If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

How do you pay off a ton of debt in London?

£2,000

What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

How much storage does a skeleton have in his computer?

One terrorbyte

What weighs 100 pounds in the morning, one ton in the afternoon, and 2 pounds at night?

A Portuguese man's wife.


"Do the laundry you witch!" he yells at her in the morning.

"Wash the dishes you cow!" he yells at her in the afternoon.

"Come to bed my little dove," he whispers to her at night.


Translation might be slightly off as it's an old Brasilian ...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.

The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again...

There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

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How come when a woman sleeps with tons of guys she's a slut, but when a man sleeps with tons of women

,it's never me?

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

I ordered 2205lbs of Chinese food the other day...

It was Wonton

There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had...

A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

Futons are really uncomfortable, but I love them for their honesty.

They have F U right in the name.

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

People who take tons of photos of themselves

Have no selfie control

What is heavy forwards but not backwards?

A ton.

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a 2000 pound orgy in a church graveyard?

A Sexton.

What do me and my fridge have in common?

Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

Want to know how to make tons of people mad real fast?

your about to now how.

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today...

They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sexist double Standard: "If a girl fucks a ton of guys, she gets called a slut..."

But if a guy does that same, he gets called a homo.

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down

so I shot a guy.

My city has been putting in tons of toll booths. Yesterday I had to pay ten cents before they'd let me pass through an intersection!

At least I was able to turn on a dime.

My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying "tons" of people would be coming.

It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there.

However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Study finds Washington state residents consumed 175 metric tons of pot in 2013 (real news)

As a result, the state is changing it's slogan to "Whoa Dude."

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

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Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.

It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoi...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My child-free blog is attracting a ton of pedophiles.

It's called "Fuck Kids".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

What's the heaviest soup in Asia?

Wonton soup!

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

What do you call a lot of cactus?

A cac-ton

The local circus has had the same show on for a long while now.

Less and less people are coming to see it, as they all know the routine by now.

One day the circus director is approached by a stranger. The strangers says: “Hey, I’ve got just what you need to save this circus!”

“And what is that?” asks the circus director.

“I’ve got a cat tha...

A redditor walks into r/jokes

A redditor walks into r/jokes, and decides to have a seat. Pretty soon, someone posts

"843!"

It gets tons of upvotes and comments, and everybody has a great laugh. Then someone posts

"91"

Again, in come the upvotes and comments, lots of laughing in the sub. This happens s...

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Three men were about to dive off of a magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."

So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man ...

‪Why is Chinese soup the heaviest kind of soup?

Because it’s won-ton

What’s the lightest a person can weigh

A skele-ton

I've heard the best place to network for a job is at a fat camp

You meet *tons* of people

A man is watching tv with his dog.

He looks at it and says.

Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money.

Dog: No one will believe you...

How much milk do cars drink?

A car-ton full

Two nuns on a bike ride in Philadelphia

Two nuns are on a bide ride through Philadelphia, the first nun says to the second, "Make a right turn here, I know a short cut". After a few minutes the second nun says, "I've never come this way before". The first replies, "I know, it's the cobblestones"

The Chinese Workman

An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas Presents

Timmy’s father is a badminton hobbyist, he wants to get Timmy interested in badminton as well so they can play together. Therefore, he gave Timmy a badminton racket and a few shuttlecocks as Timmy’s Christmas presents.

After the holiday, Timmy and his friends gathered and talked about their p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When is the best time to have diarrhea?

When playing scrabble, because it’s worth a SHIT ton of points.

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How much does a fuck boy weigh?

A dalt ton..