Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

Forward, it’s heavy. Backwards, it’s not. What is it?

A ton

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

What do you call 2000 pounds of Korean money?

Won Ton.

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

My one friend does a ton of cocaine but says he won’t take the vaccine

Awfully scared of needles

Dab ton.

It's admittedly not the best joke, but it's not bad if you read it backwards.

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I've seen a ton of shit in my lifetime but this year exceeded everything.

I need to stop looking in toilets.

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Hand Grenade Sale

One day a man was walking down the street with his wife, and his wife’s boyfriend.

As they were walking they happened upon a flea market, with tons of booths setup selling all kinds of goods. Each booth had a sign above with the items they were selling.

Hand made blankets 2 for 10$...

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I have a ton of jokes about measles!

Though, you vaccinated folks won't get them

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

I hit a cat backing out of my driveway

I’m surprised I didn’t see it. It was bright yellow, 50 feet, and weighed 40 tons.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

I just spent a ton of money on a new gaming rig

It set me back about £2,000

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I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

I have tons of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

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I have a ton of jokes about blow jobs

But all of them suck......

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

To everyone buying up tons of toilet paper:

You should get a bidet. It'd be right up your alley.

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I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

I have a ton of money!

A dude goes up to his friend and says, "Dude! I have a TON of money in my bank account!"

His friend replies, "Oh, yeah? What's your balance?!"

To which he replies, "£2000"

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

A man spends a ton of time looking for the sun..

Then it dawned on him.

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What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

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Xi Jinping has ordered 500 tons of Viagra for the people of China.

He heard it makes elections haldel.

A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

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It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

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A man walks into an auto shop.

He walks straight up to the front desk and says, “Listen, I need some repairs, but I’ve got a really suped up, high powered, custom car, so I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle it.”
The employee says, “I can see if it’s something we can manage, how many pistons does it have?”
The customer ...

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I've had sex with a ton of women.

Or 6 if we are going by individuals.

I just saved a ton on car insurance....

By fleeing the scene.

How many girls do you have to date before you’ve dated literally tons of girls?

Half an American girl or 14 French girls.

Lady asked her doctor, "My husband has taken to eating dog food. It's bland, boring and it's helping him lose a ton of weight. Cheap too."



The doctor told her that it wouldn't harm him, as long as he took a multivitamin to replace the C and B vitamins that are deficient in dog food.

Six months later, he saw her in the grocery store, "How's your husband doing on the dog food diet?"

"He died."

"What! Real...

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

What weighs 100 pounds in the morning, one ton in the afternoon, and 2 pounds at night?

A Portuguese man's wife.


"Do the laundry you witch!" he yells at her in the morning.

"Wash the dishes you cow!" he yells at her in the afternoon.

"Come to bed my little dove," he whispers to her at night.


Translation might be slightly off as it's an old Brasilian ...

If someone got hit by a ton of bricks and survived,

how would they describe it?

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

Over the years I’ve slept with a ton of women

Now does that sound better than saying I’ve only banged your mum and sister?

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

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A ton of elderly people died from having sex.

Man, it must be the strokes.

Laundry makes me feel like a president

Because I’m washing tons

A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

Whats the temperature inside of a ton-ton?

Lukewarm.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

How do you pay off a ton of debt in London?

£2,000

I love the Dave joke so much I decided to write a sequel

At first Dave’s boss in in complete disbelief at Dave’s popularity. But he slowly comes to his senses. He reasons that Dave couldn’t possibly know *every* person. Nevertheless, if he wants to catch Dave, naming people out of the blue isn’t working. He has to come up with a new strategy. He sits down...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dies her hair brown and moves to the countryside...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dyes her hair brown and moves to the countryside. As she’s driving home one day she spots a farmer leaning on a fence chewing a piece of straw.

“Ha, I’m going to put one over on that dumb farmer!”, she says to herself, pulling over.

“Greetings,...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

She was a damn fine car.

When I was young we had gotten a new car, and I loved that car. I loved sitting in the back seat, I loved sitting in the front seat. I loved getting to wash it, and go on road trips in it. I even named her, I called her Betsy.
We bought Betsy on the 4th of July, and every year I thought everyone...

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A cluck ton!

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

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A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

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So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hic...

My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down

so I shot a guy.

I was recently asked to say a few words at a friend’s funeral.

I stood up at the podium, looked at my friend’s family and friends, and said “2,000 pounds.”

I then made my way back to my seat.

My friends’ wife stood up and said, with tears in her eyes, “Thank you, that means a ton.”

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My child-free blog is attracting a ton of pedophiles.

It's called "Fuck Kids".

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

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