UPJOKE

A Lot Of Jokes

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a we...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

Like a lot of men my age..

I'm 52.

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

I have a lot of unemployed people jokes

Sadly none of them work

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf

I told her 


If it’s a beautiful sunny day I’m gonna play golf

If it’s windy I’ll play golf

If it’s rainy I’ll play golf

If we’re in a minor car accident, I’ll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf


She said she’s a hooker


I said you’re probably ...

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

There's a lot of discrimination against us paraplegic people,

And we won't stand for that!

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede


I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

I recently came into a lot of money

It was weird. I usually just use a tissue

A lot of people don't like Mondays

But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

My buddy Joe has lost a lot of weight on the new Dolly Parton diet.

It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?


Lo-fi

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Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

Needed: people with a lot of self control

for working at a bubble wrap factory.

I really like aging English rock stars that wear a lot of silver jewelry

What the hell are you taking about??

Nothing really, I was just making Idol conversation

A lot of people get numerators and denominators mixed up...

But there's a fine line between the two

What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks?

Phil.

A lot of people say that I don’t have any Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons downloaded on my computer.

When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.

Now that I listen to whole albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I got a lot of "Happy Father's Day, Daddy" messages yesrerday...

I'm starting to think I spend way too much money on OnlyFans...

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices
.

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden


I wanted to buy a new car but I’ve read that there are a lot of counterfeits on the market nowadays

Guess I’ll just keep my Honda Prius then

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns



or is it just me?

I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ

.
.
None of them gave me a straight answer

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I have to commend my friend for having a lot of balls to sign up for the Reality TV show, “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

I don’t have a lot of empathy or sympathy for anyone else.

Not sure how I feel about that.

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

Silicon Valley Bank collapsed today so big tech lost a lot of money

That’s what you get for putting cash into a bank named after a tv comedy

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

I do a lot of naked modeling, but I never get paid for it.

I just do it for the exposure.

A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Mitch Hedberg used to do a lot of drugs

Now he is dead.

I spent a lot of money on women and cars and whiskey


The rest I wasted.

My wife and I got in a lot of arguments until we agreed there's no right or wrong way of doing things, there's just just her way and...

...the wrong way.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

I spent a lot of time designing a belt buckle with a clock on it.

What a waist of time.

How do you get a lot of people to check out your post?

Mark it NSFW

You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland

But their flag is a big plus.

The baker’s new puppy cost a lot of dough.

He was a pure bread.

I really admire people who keep going despite being in a lot of debt

They really deserve a lot of credit

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

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As the only married guy among my friends, a lot of them ask me is there sex after marriage?

Only in the dictionary, pal.

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

I know a lot of people struggle with their mental health

Because I struggle with my mental health and I'm a lot of people.

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a c...

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends ...

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

I ran into a friend from high school i hadn’t seen in 25 years and wow he put on a lot of weight.

I asked him, “When’s the last time you ate a salad?”

He said, “96’maybe 97’
”

I exclaimed, “pounds ago!?

Competitive kite flying was a lot of fun but I eventually had to quit.

Too many strings attached.

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Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention.

I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

My mother is Polish and my father was not, so growing up we heard a lot of Polish jokes from my father. All in good fun of course. Here is my favorite.

Yosh and Stosh decided they were going to take a vacation back to their native land Poland. So they’re on the plane halfway across the Atlantic and everything is going great when the captain makes an announcement over the intercom.

“Folks, were having a little trouble with on of the engines ...

what do you call it when someone is being forced to drink a lot of wine?

Water Bordeauxed

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

What do you call Muhammed Ali after he eats a lot of beans?

Gaseous Clay

A lot of people don't know about Rudolph's wife Olive,

but she is mentioned in the song: "Olive, the other reindeer."

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A couple have a lot of sex

They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins.

Some say she cheated.

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people

Push and pull

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest.

A lot of people talk about when pigs fly

but swine flu.

I laughed at a lot of the posts here on Reddit.

They /r/jokes.

for the longest time I've been told that we canadians apologize for a lot of things that aren't even our fault in the slightest

So in the name of all canadians I'd like to apologize for that

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Why are there a lot of grammar nazis on the Internet?

Because English majors can't find jobs!

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I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money

Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it

Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo

They never tell him the odds

A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes.

And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.

I hear a lot of dads gained weight during lockdown

Dads are always good at putting on spare tires!

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.

We don't talk about Uno.

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

a lot of people have trouble with math

5 out of every 4 people

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

Why aren't there a lot of Irish lawyers?

Because they have trouble passing the bar.

A lot of people didn't believe it when they were told the pharaoh wasn't a god, just a man like any other.

They were in the Nile.

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

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What are a lot of mens favourite kind of Bees?

Boobies

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uneasy.

If I'm being honest, I thought it really suited me.

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