I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 3 days.

The box said 5-6 years.

On day four of Creation, God was busy putting up all the celestial bodies.

He made the fertile Earth, and its moon, and went around conjuring up all the different planets of the solar system. He made Saturn and looked upon it. As he examined it, he was taken aback. He realized that it was very, very good.

He decided he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

Have you ever thought of putting money into textiles?

I'm a broker at the local clothing bank. I'm mostly a sock broker, but I handle all kinds of vestments. We do a lot of short sales.
(Please be kind, it's my first post!)

I heard the government was putting chips in people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon.

Just for the festive period.

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

A rich, but cheap father was putting together a birthday celebration for his daughter.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stinky farts are just like somehow putting a silencer on a bazooka...

Silent-butt, deadly and extremely explosive.









sometimes flammable too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

Guys talk to each other by putting each other down, but they don’t really mean it.

Girls talk to each other by putting each other up... but they don’t really mean that either.

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

What did the duck say when putting on lipstick?

Put it on my bill

What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?

Paramedic

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

I hate putting holes in and flattening wood

It's so plane and boring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is putting together a puzzle.

She calls her boyfriend at work and tells him that she needs him to come home to help her.

He keeps telling her that he can’t leave work right now, but she’s very insistent.

“Well, what’s the picture on the box?” He asks.

“It’s a tiger.” She says.

“Then just try to make a...

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