If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 54 seconds

Poor bastard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say one in every four men is gay

, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

If I had a dollar for every time someone said money isn't that important

I'd eventually agree

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

Not every Muslim is a terrorist...

Only 9 / 11 are.

An old woman took a taxi, and every now and then she gives the taxi driver some almonds, the taxi driver was really thankful and wanted to compliment her so he said "you took good care of your teeth to be able to eat almonds at this age", and the old woman replied:

"Oh no they're all gone, I'm just eating a mars bar, I lick off the chocolate and give you the almonds"

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

Around 1.5 million people die in hospitals every day.

Let’s just get rid of hospitals. Problem solved.

Year*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband to wife: “I’m not sure why, but every time I look at myself naked in the mirror I get a massive erection”

Wife to husband: “It’s because you’re a cunt”

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the most important website for every computer geek for all his problems?

Pornhub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise

Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise when suddenly the engine fails. The captain announces that three people must sacrifice their lives and jump off board to make sure the others can reach home safely.

After a long wait an honourable Japanese man jumps over , willing to ...

Every day my neighbor asks me if I have seen his wife...

And every day I have to explain to him that his wife has been dead for a few years.

It's tiring but it's worth it, just to see the smile on his face.

What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

ooh, a dollar!

Every yo momma joke has been done thousands of times.

Kinda like yo momma.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes of your life.

And gives it to Keith Richards. Do your part to keep him immortal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”

The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”

B: “What happened to your hand?”

P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

We told the youth at our church that every time they curse they have to do 10 push-ups

So our church is a gym now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read a true story about a guy who cries every time he masturbates.

A real tear jerker.

What do you call a lizard that upvotes every post he sees?

A Karma Chameleon

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

What does every woman in the world want?

Nothing they're fine

Statistics say the in relationships, 1 out of every 3 people is unfaithful

Now I just need to figure out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

Not to brag, but every weekend, I get inundated with girls wanting to go out with me.

Edit: I meant in, undated.

If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now

I would have a pence

Every time I open my mouth

some idiot starts talking.

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

Why do nuns wear the same outfit every day?

It's a habit.

​

(I made this one up. I doubt I am the first to do it. )

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year

And every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, y...

My neighbour with Alzheimer's bangs on my door every morning at 8:00am...

And everyday he frantically asks me if I've seen his wife.

At first it breaks my heart to tell him she's been dead for years, but I always feel better about it when he smiles

If I had a dollar for every homeless person I met...

I still wouldn't give it to them.

It is true, the story that you have heard is true. Women make 80 cents for every a dollar a man makes.

How is a man supposed to survive on 20 cents?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "If I had a dollar" jokes...

I could pay someone to write better material

Why should every band have a manager?

Because managers can offer sound advice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

I donated blood 5 times a year every year

so that I am less and less related to some of my relatives

“Don’t worry, my friend! Every mischief will end someday.”

“That’s so optimistic!”

“I work at the graveyard, my friend.”

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

Good women are found in every corner of the earth

Unfortunately, earth is round.

When you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is...

A Doctor's appointment.

My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

I’d only have 90 cents for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wouldn’t call myself gay, but I do fuck a man every once in a while.

Prison hasn’t been to bad so far.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year...

And every year

Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go

But May would always say: "It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"


The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : "I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for fre...

Every time I go for a Jog I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

Every time I eat eggs benedict I'm reminded of my time in the Netherlands.

You know, my Holland days.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

If every letter "t" was silent..

we'd never hear the end of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail.

Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it.

A school shooting breaks out, the shooter kills every kid he sees for being cruel to him, all except one specific 12 year old boy.

I guess progeria has it’s ups.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have to brag, I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

God said that all men will find love in every corner of the Earth

Then he made the Earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.