Women and not being attractive

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her,

"Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I d...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and t...

Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature

I’d have so many hotwheels

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

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A girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said, “Every time you speed up 5MPH, I’ll take some clothes off.”

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn’t open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of...

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Every naked person I see turns me on

Said the shower head.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a deer joke,

I’d have a buck.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

I take a bath every other day,

Now I have a yard full of them.

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

They say one out of every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money is on Jimmy.

I know every single digit of pi.

I just don’t know the order of them

People always say there is nothing new on r/jokes but hundreds of new jokes go on every day!

Fortunately I’m not one of them, I’ve been here for an entire year!

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke,

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

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What did Mother Earth say when she wiped out every last human being on the earth?

"No Homo"

How does every black joke start?

With a white person looking over their shoulders

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

What’s every gamers favorite note on a piano?

E3

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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Every birthday I get an erotic cake that resembles a woman's breasts....

That way I can have my cake and eat tit, too!

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

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Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

I'm writing a script about a guy who loses a year of his life every time he jacks off.

It's a coming of age story.

Reddit is supposed to be a place of open and honest discussion where every opinion counts.

If you don't agree, stay out of the comment section.

Bob and Mary are single residence in a nursing home care facility. Every night Mary goes to Bob’s room and Jacks him off before bed.

One evening Mary goes to Bob‘s room and sees that Margret is in there doing what she considered to be her job. Mary calmly walks out unseen. The next day at breakfast she confronts Bob. “I went to your room last night and Margret was at your bedside instead of me. What does she have that I don’t”?. ...

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I take a crap every morning at exactly 6 o'clock.

The problem is I dont get out of bed until 6:30.

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted

I wish I had a pony.

I cry every time I make love. You know why?

Mace.

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I have sex with a girl, it’s like being on a roller coaster.

It usually last a few minutes, and she vomits after.

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They say one in every four men is gay

, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

Every 12 hour shift I work, I always give 110%

ten percent the first hour. ten percent the second hour. maybe take a nap. ten percent the fourth hour. ect...

If I got a dollar every time someone says I'm handsome, I'd have one dollar.

Thanks mom!

Every time my wife got angry with me, I would just close my eyes.

To be honest, I couldn't see the divorce coming.

How does every joke on r/jokes start?

With a ctrl+C

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

I pray every night for a new bicycle when I was young

Then I realized that is not how God works

So I stole one and pray for forgiveness instead

Every night, 10 different females touch me in my bed

I hate them mosquitos

Every night my sweet wife tucks our kids into bed.

She is a mother tucker.

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

I'm having trouble learning new languages. Every time I try to pronounce "Blyat"...

The Russians look at me funny.

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

If I had a parrot, I’d teach him two or three pirate jokes and he would just repeat them over and over again, week after week the same jokes. Every time people would be mesmerized.

I’d name my parrot arrrrr/Jokes

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

What is every priest's favourite kind of garden?

Kindergarten.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

Not every joke works out

That's why I'm fat.

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

Every time I go for a Jog I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle

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I have a little bit of every kink.

I'm a jerk-of-all trades.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about my wife.

I'd probably start thinking about her.

Do you wanna hear a joke that'll kill every unvaxxed person?

Actually nahhh, it's a bit rusty and I wanna nail it first

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

What does every tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

Im sick of my brother calling me every night from the police station, he needs to get his life together.

He's been working there for the past 10 years and still lives at his parents house.

If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,

I’d have 16.40 dollars.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes whe...

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl...

First thing every morning I punch a brick wall as hard as I can

Because your best days start with break fist.

Not every person you meet is an idiot

Just the idiots

I’ve recently been told that I should live every moment as if it was my last.

My neighbors are starting to get annoyed with the constant screaming and crying.

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