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Every Jokes

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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Why is every American receiving a $1200 check?

Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked.

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I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

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A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Behind every angry woman.

is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

Every “yo mamma” joke has been done thousands of time, by thousand of people.

Kinda like yo mamma.

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I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun

I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

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For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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I wrote a novel about an old man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in th...

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if Elon Musk had a dollar for every racial slur & sexist slur on Twitter...

Oh, wait- he does.

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

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Every job Medusa had, she had to go through sexual harassment training.

She couldn’t stop objectifying people.

Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.

In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country

It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

I shouldn’t have bought this piece of shit from IKEA.

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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.
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If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

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a man goes jogging every morning

On his way there's a street with a brothel, where there's this one prostitute who yells at him every time he passes her: "hey wanna party?! Only 100 bucks an hour!"

Not wanting to get into a negotiation with her he yells back: "20 bucks and that's it!"

Slowly this exchange becomes a p...

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What's missing at the end of every porn DVDs?

Gag Reels

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

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When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

Who’s the Pokémon that can be found in the home of nearly every lonely adult?

Sudowoodo

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it. I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution. So here it i...

Two ants had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year, when one ant gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other ant asked him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first ant says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other ant says, "That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I d...

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What do you call a prostitute who serves every profession?

A jack off all trades.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

I'm opening a bar that hosts brass bands every weekend.

I'm calling it "HornPub".

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

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A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

I have this question every time driving on the highway

Why do people put a mountain on every tunnel?

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

They are every where

Why do potatoes and corn make such good spies?





They have eyes and ears everywhere!

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Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

"Every kiss beings with Kay"

Which is why I buy all my wife jewelry at BJs.

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

Why was C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet?

Because all the other letters were not-C’s

The ground trembles with my every step.

I have installed the floorboards incorrectly.

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

Every year on April 15…

…the IRS pays its taxes to Chuck Norris

There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.

Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.

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Four Wishes of Every Man

May you be as handsome as your mother thinks you are;

As rich as your kids think you are,

Have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks she has, and

Be in good in bed as you think you are.

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