How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

...


Change? That’s socialism.

A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’...

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irishman?

None.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa?

Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

All of them; each one adding something more twisted than the last

how many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

hey let’s go ride our bikes

Q.: How many cops it takes to push someone of the stairs.

A: none. he fell by himself

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two. But I have no idea how they got inside the light bulb.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who knows? They’re all too busy playing with the switch.

How many incels does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. No self respecting light bulb would want to be screwed by an incel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

50, if you slice them *very* thinly.

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

My chickens were laying to many eggs so I had to sell their coop.

They now have a chicken sedan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead baby's does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 53 because my basement is still dark

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

I failed math at school so many times.

I can’t even count.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, if they’re told the lightbulb doesn’t exist, it doesn’t need changing

How many nice guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’ll just compliment it and get annoyed it won’t screw

How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down?

They keep a log!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw the lightbulb and another to hold the penis... I mean mother.... I mean ladder,

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

How many ears does Spock have?

3

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

How many jokes does it take to make a Mexican smile?

Juan.

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six, one to change it and the other five to say how they could do it better.

How many flat-earthers does it take to draw an arrow?

None. They can't make a point.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

How many Lowe’s

How many Lowe’s can Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

How many is a couple?

I thought it was 2 but my boyfriend thought it was 3. Lucky for me his side chick thought it was 2. Anyway now he's our ex and we couldn't be happier!

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

so.. um, wanna play basketball?

Sadly, in this day and age, I have many jokes about unemployed people.

Sadly, none of them work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to collect all the information from the client what he wants done
1 to fill a flipchart with nonsensical bullshit
1 to whip the interns to actually collect the data required (i.e. someone has to pretend to work)
1 to write a report about it
12 to bill the work of the 18 people ...

How many times does a German have to tell you no

Nine

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

A man walks into his house and there are many family members in his living room

He says “If I where a betting man I would say that y’all are here to stop me from doing something” and a relative speaks up and says “you are a betting man. This is your intervention”.

What do you get when you listen to "Toxicity" too many times?

System of a Down Syndrome.

Raising my fist to the sky, I roared, "It's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up!"

"Sir, that’s not how field sobriety tests work." the cop replied.

Many people claim that they have difficulty sleeping.

However, I can even do it with my eyes closed.

How many beers can a tropical bird drink?

Toucans

How many drummer jokes are there?

At least a Zildjian


... I may have copied and Paiste-d this joke

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump just says it’s fixed and the rest of them sit in the dark and applaud

How many Project managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they are all still discussing the best way to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

So many people these days are too judgemental

I can tell just by looking at them

How many trumo supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They all. Sit in the dark saying it's working ti someone questions it. Then that person is fired because there is no broken light bulbs.

LGBTQ?? How many letters are they going to add to it?

I mean seriously! You can't understand an acronym with that many letters in it. LMFAO!

I don’t understand how some people eat so many chickpeas.

I’d falafel.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many “D’s” in his name?

Because otherwise his name would be Ee-wah Woo-wah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So many people that knew what was going to happen this year and didn't tell the rest of us.

All the people with 2020 vision are jerks.

I've traveled the world and met people from many countries.

From my experience, American kids are some of the nicest, but German children are kinder

How many whips does Indiana Jones have?

2. One on his belt and one in the driveway

I asked this question to many people and no one knows the answer.

What does IDK mean?

how many layers of skin is a Jewish man missing?

fore

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

The Grim Reaper is normally known as death to many people

Except to Germans, to them, he’s called Tod.

How many of you believe in psychokinesis?

Raise my hand.

How many bones are in a human hand?

A handful

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

I always hear that many hands make light work...

But I'm pretty sure that that's photons.

How many members of a group does it take to perform a task?

Some number other than that normally required for the task, for a reason having to do with stereotypical characteristics of the group in question.

How many species of wild cat are there?

I don't have an exact number, but there's an ocelot of them.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

Question, why spongebob have many holes

Answer: coz squidward have 6 tentacles

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

Why does Trump take so many COVID tests?

It’s the only one he can pass

My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

FPS has many different meanings

60 FPS is great in Mario kart
But there’s 1 FPS at my school

A woman's faults are many, but we men have only two.

Every single thing we say and everything we do.

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

Studies reveal that some doctors purposely mistreat people they find annoying with many cases resulting in death.

It's another classic case of doctors losing their patients.

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it.



A: Two hundred and twenty.



One to hold the bulb

Two to turn the ladder

Seventeen on the guest list.

200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

it means a lot.

How many IT specialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

SUPPORT TICKET CLOSED: Lightbulb already installed.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

How many Muslims fit in a Mosque

Allaht

Why don’t we hear many jokes about pizza?

They’re too cheesy.

How many Russians can you fit in a lift?

As many as you can Put-In.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nicholas the 16 year old boy always behaved like an asshole towards everyone around him. On top of that, he had a very bad smoking habit. No matter how many times people would advise him to quit, he'd never listen.

Nick, a teen; a dick, shun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After many years of sadness and suffering, I tearfully buried my loving wife today.

She insisted that she wasn't actually dead, but that bitch told lies.

I don’t know if this is original but my dad told this to me many years back.

A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies. On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees ...

How many birds can fit into a cage at once?

Toucan

I gave my friend a giftcard that said "many".

He replied, "That means a lot".

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Well, it's this *really* obscure number, you've probably never heard of it..."

Many years ago there lived a poor fisherman in a coastal city-state

Many years ago there lived a poor fisherman in a coastal city-state. Once, while at the market trying to sell seafood he received a gold coin as payment from a stranger. Since this was worth more than he ever earned in a year, he was overjoyed. He decided to hide his gold coin in a space between bri...

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

How many girls got married at the convent?

Nun.

There are so many scams on the internet now days.

Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them.

A woman was curious on how a stray dog gave birth to so many puppies. She wanted to know it's secret.

She went to the dog and asked, "How do you give birth to so many puppies what's your secret?"

To which the dog replied, "Oh it's simple. Just roam around the streets naked you'll do the same"

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