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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

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How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?

None, he fell off.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.

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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

How many buzzfeed employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

10, but number 5 will shock you!

There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

"In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how ...

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

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How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark

How many super sayians does it take to skrew in a lightbulb?

Just one but it takes 54 episodes, 2 failed spirit bombs, Killins death and an exploding planet and will be continued next time...

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

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NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?

Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?



None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother who was an evil scientist.

His name was Frank Einstein

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

The first humans spent many hours seeing what the sun did in the sky

Then they decided to call it a day.

I think that China is lying about how many people died from corona virus

They always show the same person when there's new cases

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

How many ears does Alaska have?

The left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

A teacher asks a boy in her class “If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?”

The boy responds with “None.” The teacher asks why. “They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot.”
The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think.
Later, the boy asks the teacher “3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, ...

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How many redditors does it take to make a good joke?

A million: 1 to make the joke, and 999,999 to repost it every fucking day for the next century.

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

How many maintenance guys does it take to change a light bulb??

4. 1 to hold the bulb and 3 to rotate the building.

How many babies does it take to paint a room?

It depends on how hard can you throw.

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, called alhzimers, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me.

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Success is like pregnancy.

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.


Edit: *Father


Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They won’t do it, they’re retired. Those lazy millennial lightbulbs need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and screw themselves in.

How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.

What do you call a dinosaur with many names?

A thesaurus

Do you win many races?

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision ...

... I can't wait to see them all.

Why do Iowans have so many dad jokes?

Because they’re corny

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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. H...

Rude on many levels

I was a receptionist at a hotel, and the phone started ringing. I could see by the screen that it was the extension for the elevator's phone. I picked it up, and a voice I recognize as a particularly rude and troublesome guest, immediately starts yelling: "What the (beep) do I press to get out of th...

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

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A man of many talents

So this traveling salesman is driving through this little Welsh village and decides to stop at a quiet pub for some lunch and a pint. He gets his beer and there's nobody in other than one little old fella in the corner just staring out of the window over a half empty glass.

So he sits down ne...

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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl giggle?

Ten tickles

Celebrating Cake Day with one of my favorite jokes... How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

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As many of us know, 'Retirement' is different for everyone.

One day, while driving to do some shopping, I passed by a newer retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. The Villages in Florida.I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the sam...

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So many people are stockpiling toilet paper because of the Coronavirus

They must be shitting themselves

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them

There is a reason why you don’t see many paper jokes.

They are all tearable.

How were many of Lamar Odoms layups made?

High off the glass

How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?

Just one, because then your stomach won't be empty.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

How many youtubers does it take to change a light bulb?

first hit like and subscribe in the upper corner.

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

Why is it that so many Americans do not have a passport ?

They don't fit in the photo booth.

Credits: Jimmy Carr

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Trump said he fixed it, so they all sit in the dark and applaud.

You don’t find many European people with a fetish for feet

They’re more in to meters

How many syllables does the word gloria have?

Christians: 18

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

For the 1 year anniversary of the priest Jhon at a church many people came hearing the mayor speech.

The mayor was late so the priest Jhon started talking:

-You know first my expectations for this city was really low the first man who confesses to me was an horrible human being. He cheats on his wife multiple time with different women, he lies to everyone and admits being corrupted in his jo...

Not many people look good with the Elton John look

But I could totally rock it, man

How many Social Workers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But fifteen to write a report about surviving in darkness.

How many snowboarders does it take to change a lightbulb?

50.

1 to pull it off, 3 to die trying, and 46 to say "I could've done that"

Why are there so many stock photos of 1790’s France?

Because they’re royalty free

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year.

It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th.

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

There have been many robberies in my bakery.

But the last one takes the cake.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

Why so many gifts on the Ellen show?

For the name of the host is Ellen the Generous

How many calories do you get from eating ass?

Depends on how well they wipe.

I broke up with my girlfriend after finding out how many people she had slept with before me.

I didn't want to ruin everything by being the 70th

So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

I try to get as many stars in Grand Theft Auto as possible.

That way for once i will feel wanted.

How many Edisons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because Edison stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions.

How old are you?
Can we see your ID?
Whose blood is it and why is it in a pail?

How many of you have ever slept with your best friend?

I did. It was fun, but really awkward the next day.


I couldn't look him in the eye. Couldn't make his breakfast. Couldn't take him for walks...

I had many dark jokes.

But all of them got sold in an auction.

I hate when i do too many squats

I always end up with so much cake

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

Why shouldn't you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?

It's pretty whiskey; you might drop one.

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My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I've been helping her tune it. How did we do?

I feel there’s too many Dictatorships around nowadays...

It’s time to put the few back in Fuhrer!

How many beverages does Saitama consume at a party?

One Punch, man

Why did the lumberjack get fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

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