UPJOKE
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

How many Germans ...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, because we are efficient and do not have a sense of humour.

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Narcissists don’t use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

How many ska musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!!!"

Do you know why there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but not many Bruce Lee ones?

Because Bruce Lee is no joke.

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Wow, many people I meet work for the same person!

When I ask who they work for they tell me Ann Asshole.

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

Why did Trump throw so many plates against the wall like a baby?

He wanted to seem tough on china.

How many Mexicans?

How many Mexicans does it take to...

Holy sh\*\* they're already done.

How many Lutheran grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No, I'm fine, don't make a fuss over me. I'll just sit in the dark.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, unless they need help - in which case it's still one.

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"no, it's ok, leave your poor mother in the dark..."

how many namekians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

the whole race, one to screw it in and the rest to die

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

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How many sexual partners does a priest have?

Nun

How many mathematicians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?

Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.

How many beers does it take to get a German scientist drunk?

_Ein_ stein.

What do you call a reservoir with many turns and zigzags?

A twisted cistern

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

I just came back from a trip to Thailand and I was quickly surprised by the many Caucasians. I was then reminded that this is not the politically correct name for them.

They would not like to be called Caucasians but Ladyboys instead

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

People say I make too many assumptions...

Well, I mean, they don't actually say it, but I know they're thinking it.

How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five; one to actually change the lightbulb and four to stand around watching saying "I could do it better than him."

How many ears does captain Kirk have?

Three, his left ear, his right ear and his final frontier

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

How many Communists does it take to screw in a capitalist lightbulb?

Zero. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they can get inside it in the first place.

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How many homosexuals does it take to open a gate?

None, they’ll usually come in the back door.

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They say having sex burns as many calories as running 8 miles…

I think that’s ridiculous, who can run 8 miles in 30 seconds

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey let’s go ride our bikes!

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

Why are there so many people in Boston?

They’re Mass-produced

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overbo...

Why was Lance Armstrong in so many commercials?

Because he was good at Peddling things.

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Was having dinner with the in-laws and my MIL said …. ….’How many sausages would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid fat hairy cunt”

How many people will be offended if you tell a Mexican joke?

At least Juan...

How many dwarves can fit in a box?

I'm not sure you should ask Snow White

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

Do you know how many people die from coconuts each year?

A bunch

How many contortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two, but they may need some time to get inside it.

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

How many good cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows. When’s the last time good cops changed anything?

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

Did you kill many of the enemy?

This was back in the 1970s. A middle-aged man got upset with his neighbor and spilled a flowerpot full of water out his window onto her. She got very upset and pressed charges against him. So the man had to go and get a lawyer to represent him, and the lawyer asked the judge for leniency, arguing...

How many right wingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea because every time I ask they all argue about unnecessary change

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? Do you know? No?

That's because YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!!

Man to woman: "So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?

Woman : "I only slept with you. With all the others, I wasn't sleeping. "

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

An astronomer is drinking Bud Light with another astronomer and asks “How many of these do you think it’ll take for me to get drunk?”

The other astronomer replies: “Approximately 6.5 light beers”

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

How many teeth does Dracula have?

I don't know. I didn't get close enough to Count.

Why do so many people like aromatherapy so much?

It just makes no frankincense to me

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So the pentagon had to many generals...

so they had to fire a few, they would pay them 100,000$ per ft in anyway they wanted to be messured,

the army general wanted to be measured from his feat to the top of his head, he made 600,000$

the navy general wanted to be measured from his stomach around, he made 400,000$

the...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?



one to issue the requisition form LB24, one to sign the work order DF69, three to consult with management and reject both forms as not applicable to maintenance as per regulations. Seventeen to form a fact finding committee to discuss the overuse of LB24,after ten months of debate, there wi...

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and then gave you another one, how many would you ...

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

How many YouTubers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Calm down, I’ll tell you. But first, a word from our sponsor, Raid: Shadow Legends!

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

Many people say that Finland started wars.

I thought they Finnish them.

A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman

The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

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How many calories are in eating pussy?

It depends which way she wipes.

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

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How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

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How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagen?

Four, 2 in the front and 2 in the back.


- How do you know if there's been a giraffe in your fridge?

There's a set of hoof prints in the butter.


- How do you know if there's been 2 giraffes in your fridge?

There's 2 sets of hoof prints in the butter.


- H...

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Politicians can't change lightbulbs, they will just leave everyone waiting in the dark while they argue about which brand the lightbulb ought to be.

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

I got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" too many times

They lock you out after 5 Loggins attempts.

Tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many stupid questions.

Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

I’m only trying to help.

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

How many ensigns does it take to clean the USS Enterprise?

Zero, space is a vacuum.

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

How many...

... men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

I can't believe there's so many conspiracy theories in the world. This is really not the time to be making up so many.

Not now while Trump is still sitting president.

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

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How many Pianos did Liberace have?

Nobody knows for sure, but it's believed that he had Organs up the ass.

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles.

Blonde in a car crash.

Blonde says to the paramedic, "I think I have concussion."

Paramedic asks the blonde, "How many fingers have I got up?"

Blonde screams, "Oh my God, "I'm paralyzed from the waist down."

I wonder how many people will bury their loved ones in glass coffins this year.

Well...remains to be seen.

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried:
"So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” ...

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2...problem is finding a light bulb with enough room for people to screw

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A: A finite quantity. One to complete the specifik task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

How many Karen's does it take to hang a picture.

1, if she talks for long enough the picture will hang itself.

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How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who the fuck cares, let them cry in the dark.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

An elderly widower remarries after many years with his recently departed wife

On their wedding night, the old man and his much younger bride decide to consummate the new marrige.

Knowing that it might be an emotional time for her husband, she begins undressing him slowly.

As they're about to climb into bed to get down to business, she looks up at his face, and...

So I said, "It's not about how many times you fall down. It's about how many times you get back up."

And the cop said, "Sir, now I'm going to ask you to take a breathalyzer test."

How many jurors does it take to fill out one form?

Apparently more than 7.

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