A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all use gas lighting.

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon double cheeseburger?

Only one if nobody is looking.

(This was told to me by a vegan.)

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen

**farmer:** round 'em up

**me:** ok twenty

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Why do Welsh people immediately fall asleep when you ask them how many sexual partners they've had?

Because it's well known that counting sheep helps you nod off more quickly.

Why are there so many NSFW posts

It's not like we have jobs

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

How many nursing school professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to tell him while that is correct, it isn't the most correct.

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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?"

Wife: "zero"

Husband really happy: "really?"

Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"

Ok bye

How many capitalists are needed to change a lightbulb?

None. Capitalists are not _needed_ for anything. They just tagged along to ask for lighting subsidies

I know it's way too soon, but... How many times did Tiger's SUV roll?

FOUR!!!



I'm going to Hell.

I asked so many people what LGBTQ+ means

Nobody gave me a straight answer.

How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?

None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, many things in my life changed.

Such as my address, name, phone number, etc.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

11. One to put the bulb in the socket and ten to drink until the room spins.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

"Our Lord has many names. The Almighty. The Messiah. The Alpha and the Omega. The Shepard. Howard."

What do you he doesn't go by "Howard"?! Do you not know "The Lord's Prayer":



*Our Father who art in Heaven*

*Howard be thy name*

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

How many hot young nursing home assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?

"For the last time, Mr. Anderson, you are NOT a lightbulb!"

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

I asked a lumberjack who many trees had he cut

He said 23,679
I asked how do you know the exact number
He said I keep a log

Fiction Logic: How many anime dudes does it take to change a lightbulb

One...

But it takes them 10 god damn episodes.

I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed..

You need only one to smother your husband.

How many pilots do you need for good music?

At least 22.

Why are so many people getting on the Trump train?

Because they’re on a no fly list.

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Why are there so many female archeologists ?

Because women love digging up the fuckin past.

How many kittens does it take to paint a house?

That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

How many lab rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than 500, but we've exhausted our funding.

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How many times did Trump and Melania have sex on Air Force One?

Never. He was too busy fucking America.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

A rabbi had worked for many years as a mohel performing circumcisions...

He collected all the foreskins he had cut over his career and brought them to a leather maker after he retired.

He brings the foreskins to the best leather maker in town and says “Make me whatever you can with these.” Surprised but undaunted, the leather maker says “Okay, come back in a week ...

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only 2, but don’t ask me how they got in there

Why are so many people interested in scotch tape?

Its fasten-aiding.

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

Many people call their animals "fur babies" but,

As soon as I start calling children "skin dogs", suddenly I'm the worst pediatrician in this hospital!

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn’t matter. How did that joke make you feel?

Cakeday favorite string of jokes. How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid?

Tentacles.
How do you check that? Test tickles!
What did the octopus think? You gotta be squidding me!

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

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As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

Why does Elon Musk want so many satellites?

He’s transmitten with them.

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

How many ears does Spock Have?

3. The right ear, the left ear, and the final front ear.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! They just stand in the dark and ask God what they did to deserve it!

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

How many Redditors does it take to make an original joke?

I'll let you know when they manage to do it.

How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I've stopped counting.

How many Swedish people does it take to make a cake?

Depends on how Swede you want it to be

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How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

2; one to screw it in and one to tell him he is screwing it the wrong way.

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

I asked my German friend how many planets in our Solar System

Surprisingly he said "Nine"

How many tickles does it take to turn on a anime girl?

Tentacles

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

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How come when guys sleep with many girls there are champs but when girls sleep with many guys they are hoes

Well you see if a key opens many locks it's a fantastic key but if a lock is opened by many keys then it's a shity lock

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Enough to sing happy cake day!

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NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

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The teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made.

She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher,”what sound does sheep make?”

“Baaaa” answered Jimmy.

She continued this for...

Why are so many short people uneducated?

They can't go to High school.

How many lawyer jokes are there

3. The rest are true stories

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Why do furries have so many kids?

Because they fuck like rabbits

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One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"

[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]

Working in IT, I have said many a time "have you tried turning it off and on again?".

While this works great with computers, I quickly learnt that it does not work so well on coma patients.

Why are there so many Latina's in Illinois?

Because that's where the Chica go.

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For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

i have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth

it only took me a minotaur two

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

People often see a light at the end of a tunnel in many near-death experiences

They should really get off of the road

How many people does it take to celebrate an anniversary in Reddit?

Dozens

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How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But that won't stop them from bringing four of their friends, even though we're in a fucking pandemic.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

How many pathologists does it take to diagnose a malignancy?

10....because one less would benign.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

I get so many robocalls

My wife thinks I'm having an affair with Scam Likely

How many Americans does it take to change a President?

Please, someone tell me. I want to get this over with!

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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