After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

How many brexitiers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up.

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”

Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?

I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?

Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

How many potatoes does it take to kill a million Irishmen?

None.

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl...

27 times.

I have so many jokes about Unemployed people

But sadly none of them work.

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

Why aren't there many jokes about Jonestown?

The *punchlines* are so long.

I failed Maths so many times in school,

I can't even Count.

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?

I said, “I don’t know, it’s hard to keep track.”

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"In a week, how many times do you have sex with your wife?" asked my marriage counsellor.

I said, "Almost every time..."

Why weren't there many atheists in 1850s Germany?

It was still quite Nietzshe

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget about it. Nothing will ever change in the United States!

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

I never quite understood why so many people don’t get along with vegans.

I never had a beef with one.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out.

And they like being in the dark.

If you have 10 cookies and split them evenly between your friends how many cookies do you have?

10 cookies :)

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

There were many knights at King Arthur's round table, but without a doubt the fattest was...

Sir Cumference.

He was known for eating too much pi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

Hoy many beans should you put in your delicious fall chili?

239.
Any more would be too farty.

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

There are so many reposts on this sub that all hope seems lost on original content. This post will say otherwise.

Otherwise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

How many vampires are there?

I don’t know, I can’t Count Dracula

How many tickles does it take to confirm your identity?

Just 2 test tickles.

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.

OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

How many Englishmen does it take to wallpaper a room?

Usually about 3.

Though it depends how thinly you slice them.

how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

how many sheep are stuck in traffic

none because sheep cant drive!! hahahaha

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?

Ten

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

A doctor from the morgue calls the local dealership: "How many motorcycles did you sell today?" "Four."

"Oh, looks like one is still riding"

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

What do you call someone who has an unhealthy relationship with learning too many languages?

They’re polyglottenous.

(Sorry it’s a bad joke)

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus giggle?

Ten tickles.

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

Why are there so many female archaeologists

Because women love digging up the past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't bother keeping track of how many girls I've slept with. I let my dick do that.

Cus it's the little things that count.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a real obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

How many sneezes does a person experience in a day?

A-Few!

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw em

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not many people know this but Jesus was gay

He let two guys nail him at the top of a hill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

I’ve seen this reposted many times but bear with me.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue (BEAR WITH ME) is posting a coded message on Reddit.

How many HK protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question: They can't change anything.

Jk dont take this seriously plz

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris.

We don't know, its never been tried.

Teacher: If you had $1 and you asked you father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Trevor: One.

Teacher: You dont know your math.

Trevor: You don't know my father.

I decided to let my game download overnight, as it would take many hours.

When I woke up, there was a pop up asking me to confirm the download

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4 - one to hold the lightbulb and the other 3 to smoke till the room starts spinning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.

As it comes closer, he notice...

Many horses were asked if they like being used for riding or other activities...

...the unanimously answer was "neigh".

How many guys does it take to bring down a dead branch?

Tree

How many British apartments does a c# major have?

7 flats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

Do you know how many North American teams qualified for LOL worlds 2019 group stage?

N/A

Do you know why so many people travel to Mount Everest to climb it

It's a great ice breaker

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

Why are there so many Italians named Tony in New York?

Because when they boarded the boat to immigrate to America they got their ticket stamped, "To NY"

Why do so many deadbeat dads love to play poker?

It’s the only time they can call or raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.