UPJOKE
somenumerousmoremuchsuchumpteendozenmostnumerousnessgaloreotherfewtheseseveralumteen

Many Jokes

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

How many of the phrases in English are palindromes?

Not a ton

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

Many years ago I went to my High School prom

It was a very involved process.

Leading up to the prom I had to stand in line to get fitted for my tuxedo.

I had to stand in line to reserve the limo for my date.

Then I had to stand in line again to pick my tux up once it was ready.

The day of the prom finally arrived, b...

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

I love my cousin, like many of the jokes here

She’s twice removed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

How many podcasters does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But to fully understand why, we have to first travel back in time to the year 1880...

How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Monday January 01, 1900

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six.

One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.

How many Mexicans?

How many Mexicans does it take to...

Holy sh\*\* they're already done.

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

How many times do redditors laugh at a joke?

Twice: once when they read it, once when they post it.

How many Fu** Boys does it take to change a light bulb?

It is a trick question, as they are still using gas lighting.

Why do you see so many dyslexics walking in Paris?

It's safer than walking alone.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

Many people are shocked...

...when they find out I'm a horrible electrician.

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends on how clumsy you are.

*There, I've killed it. Move on /r/jokes, move on.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.