Very Much Jokes - 61 Hilarious Very Much Jokes

Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

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All I said was that I wouldn't like Santa very much if he was gay.

Now everyone thinks I'm hohohomophobic.

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

Patient: My wisdom tooth hurt very much!

Dentist: well, they did prepare for decades.

My wife was very much open to the idea of naming our child after a type of flower.

She wasn’t so happy when I suggested the type should be “self-raising”.

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Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex

Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex because he only had one son. But, if you think about the sword in the stone, his pull out game is what made him king in the first place.

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

The two young artichokes were very much in love.

The couple were strolling down the boulevard one sunny afternoon. Up ahead, a delivery truck had a blowout and swerved across two lanes, finally jumping the curb and hitting the boy artichoke, knocking him flat.

It was awful. The ambulance came and the EMTs did their best to resuscitate him. ...

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Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told ...

What’s fast but doesn’t weigh very much?

Light speed

I have a well paid job, genuine friends and a girlfriend who loves me very much...

Wish I could post this on any other sub

They developed a new yogurt for people who don't move around very much.

It's called Inactivia.

We have passed 10 million subscribers. Thank you very much for joining us.

Sincerely Coronavirus

I don't think my wife likes me very much

when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

We looked at a WeHo townhouse that we liked very much but sadly this place was next door to the large West Hollywood fire department station.

So I guess you could say it was in WEhoWEhoWehooooo.

So, a little old lady loves her cat very much...

So, this little old lady loves her cat, Mr. Tibbers. Tibbers was an old cat, but still spry, and loved going outdoors and roaming around for hours on end.
Then, one day, he got run over by a truck.
Well. Half of him got run over by a truck, leaving his back end behind.
This little old lady...

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

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[NSFW] My friend, very much a butt lover, choked to death last night under a particularly large one.

Cause of death: ass fixation.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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A white guy was very much in love with his girlfriend...

So he decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo had to be done while the penis was erect. When it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica. The man was in a bathroom in, and standing next ...

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Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

I didn't like this marimba player very much...

...He just had bad vibes.

My mom: You know, I love you very much. I'll fight with anyone who messes with you.

Me: You must have a lot of internal conflict

Sister: *gasp*

Mom: ....

Note: mom teased teased us a lot when we were kids

Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It’s considered a sin.

I put all my fish in their new tank, but they don't seem to be liking it very much.

Perhaps I should have added water.

There was once a rich merchant ...

...who owned a slave named Manuel who was very good at hiding his thoughts and feelings. This merchant would often have his slave negotiate trade deals, very much to the merchants profit. This was the case because it was a well-known fact of that...

Nobody reads the owner's Manuel.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much?

They [interrobang!](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."...

I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job.

Thanks for letting me vent.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

A man is walking down a street when he reads a graffiti...

...saying "The person reading this is an idiot"

This angers him very much, knowing he has been made a fool. So he picks up a stone and starts writing below it:

"The person who wrote this is an idiot"

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

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Roses are Red, Cacti are Thorny

When I’m around you, you make me very… happy!

I guess what I’m trying to say is aloe you very much.

What's the difference between explaining to your kids how babies are made and explaining to your kids that you're getting a divorce?

One story starts with "Sometimes, when two people love each other *very much*..."

and the other story starts with "sometimes, when two people don't love each other very much..."

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: “Name, please?”

Woman: “Freda.”

Policeman: “Surname?”

Woman: “Gonow.”

Policeman: “So you are Freda Gonow.”

Woman: “Thanks very much”, and she takes off!

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

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