A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

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George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England.

Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Bush frown...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper sprayed by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

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After a rather careless plane crash where everyone was killed, the two pilots responsible were escorted to Satan to choose their eternal damnation.

Satan told the pilots they could choose either door number 1 or door number 2 for their sin of killing innocent people.

"Take your time," he said, "you've got forever to suffer it."

So the pilots look behind door number 1 and it's a freezing cold, blizzard of a hell. They look at each ...

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

A drunk guy killed a cop then called 911

He said: "now you're 910"

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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

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Whenever you’re sitting on the toilet all alone in silence, do you ever think something is crawling up the pipes into the toilet bowl and then is going to suddenly slither up into your butthole?

Well, you will now. You’re welcome!

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave.

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

I’m a heavy smoker but then I watched a video on the dangers of smoking

I immediately quit watching videos

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of direction, Yoda was.

Two bacteria walk into a bar, then into the staff area.

The barman says “get out!”

The bacteria say “don’t worry, we’re staph”

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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

If a guy has a foot fetish and then cheats on his wife...

...does that mean that he got off on the wrong foot?

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What’s it called when you make a woman a knight, take her virginity and then disappear ?

A one knight stand

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

Was about to throw out my old pillows, then I thought

na, I'll sleep on it.

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

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My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic

I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

My girlfriend: If you don't stop making Scooby Doo references, then I'll break up with you.

Me: Alright gang, let's split up.

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What do you call a Alabama girl who can run faster then her brothers

A virgin

[Credits: papa franku]

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.

So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

An apple fell on newton. It was then he realized

He could not afford a stand

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

what's worse then three kids in a dumpster...

One kid in three dumpsters

I thought I was hired as a manager in a Spanish company. But then they called me and asked me for an interview.

I wasn’t quite expecting the Spanish Inc. Quiz Session

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny.

Which is probably why it took me so long to explain Amy Schumer to my mom.

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I was on the toilet at 11:59 and then the clock struck midnight.

Same shit, different day.

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A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

So my sister told me to get her something hard to write on... then she got really mad at me

Thought sand would be pretty hard to write on

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence...

...because if she doesn't have that, then I might have a chance.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said “I bought these gifts ...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse and a barrel full of money...

He asks the bartender “hey man what’s up with the horse and the money?”

Bartender goes “well here’s the deal - you put $5 in the barrel, and if you can make the horse laugh you get all the money.”

Looking at the barrel, the man sees it’s nearly full of $5 bills, so he smiles, walks o...

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

A man who was worried about his weight went to his doctor. The doctor said to eat normally for two days and then skip one.

When they next meet;

Doctor: Did my advice work?

Man: Yes, I lost twenty pounds!

The doctor was amazed. He asked the man how how he lost that much.

Man: Well, I was just about dead at the end.

Doctor: Because you were hungry?

Man: No, because of all the skip...

A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master Shi, why do all chinese look the same?"

Then the Master replyed: "I am not master Shi."

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I used to think capital letters weren't important

Then I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

If pro is the opposite of con, then what's the opposite of progress?

Regress.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

They thought I had Alzheimer's but then all my memories came back

My doctor said I reached the point of know return.

I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."


Priest : "What have you done my child?"


Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."


Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"


Girl : "Because he touched my hand."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he t...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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A scrawny, skinny lumberjack asks a local lumber company if they're hiring

"Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little shit and this is work for a big man."

Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing.

"Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me t...

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

What is black and white, black and white, black and white, then red.

A nun falling down the stairs.

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