I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

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If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to say that my addiction got ot of hand?

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

“BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what will his mother be called?

Joe mama.

Credit to u/Grignard_RMgX

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Genocide

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

My girlfriend’s grandma passed away and she needed comfort, so she hugged me. But then i got an erection.

“Babe? Wtf?”

“Sorry babe, its just mourning wood”

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

I know a man who says he designed a labyrinth, got imprisoned in it, and then escaped using wings made of wax.

But I wonder whether he really Daedalus things he claims to have done.

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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That moment when you’re afraid you just shit your pants, and then you realize “oh thank goodness...”

“They’re not my pants.”

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry...

Those were some crazy mood swings.

Son: My teacher says, "Father is the pillar of the family". Then what's mom?

Dad: She makes the pillar stiff, strong, and worthwhile to raise a family.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

If you are what you eat then...

...Jeffery Dahmer is a perfectly normal person

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

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Lack of sex has been making me feel incomplete. Then a girl let me touch her bum.

It’s the closest I’ve felt to hole in a long time.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . .

I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

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I tried baptizing my poop. Then I realized.

Holy shit.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

If a stork is the bird that brings babies, then what is the bird that prevents babies?

A swallow

It cost a lot for our rubber dinghy, even back then. Let’s get it ready again!

(Adjusted for inflation)

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

“So, we good then? I don’t gotta turn in my part of the group project?”

—Nevada

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He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

did you know that more vaccinated people have autism then unvaccinated?

because the unvaccinated are dead.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

A professor in a Logic class says "Alright class, if you know what 'affirming the consequent' means, then raise your hand."

A student raises her hand.



The Professor says "Ah, yes. You know what it is?"



The student says "No, why would you think so?"

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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My old sex doll just turned 30 years old today, and although she’s flat, she’s more valuable now as she was back then

Adjust for inflation

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

I’m gonna go down on you slowly... then when you’re enjoying it the most, I’ll work my way back up and f*ck you hard.

With love,
Gas Prices

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

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I was at the doctor's office and this guy told to drop my pants then he cupped my balls and told me to cough.

The nurse then leaned into the waiting room and told me the doctor was ready to see me and asked who the guy was.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

A man is arrested for theft and put into jail. Then, he says to his lawyer:

\-Listen, if I get more than a year, I will kill you, understand?

\-I understand.

The lawyer goes to the courtroom.

The lawyer goes out of the courtroom, and goes to his client.

\-Did you get me one year?

\-Yes, the judge almost gave you two days, but I managed to ...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived?

Someone ordered a McGregor

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A drunk came into a bar. Ordered some drinks ans got even more drunk. Then he passed out and pissed all over himself. As he comes back to consciousness he looks at himself and says "Fuck, I have to stop drinking."

He succeeded and died of dehydration

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

A man is in a cosmetic shop, then a female worker asks him:"Do you want Head and Shoulders sir?"

Then the man responds:"Yes, but how did you know my name was 'and Shoulders'? "

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery

If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?

The big moron. The other one was a little more on.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

What's worse then a Werewolf?

What's worse then a werewolf?



a Rightherewolf!

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I was trying to sleep but then i thought of this joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet bee,

The bartender asks “what’ll it be?”

“Thank you” the man replies.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

So i went to a spa the other week and had a sauna for the first time so I'm sat there with 15 other naked men sweating then...

I burnt my mouth on the ladle trying to get a drink..

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

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Quick 69 and Then Off To The Dentist

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment

He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times Gargled ½ a liter of Listerine and used dental floss as well
As he arrived at the dentist ...

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Then I said "Your beard makes you look thinner"

.....but that didn't seem to cheer her up

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Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole I live with—says we get more dick then her”

“They hate us cuz they anus,” said the other

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the hell did my roof go?

A relationship should be 50/50. She eats her dinner while I look at her. Then I eat my dinner while she looks at me.

We both have only one pair of dentures.

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

Someone saw an ad stating "I make your excellent birthday parties or weddings even better " then got curios and called the number on the ad then asked.

\- What do you do to make good birthday parties or weddings even better?

\- I sing on the cake.



Note: just a little cake day joke.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I was talking to a girl at school one day and she was talking to me and she asked how tall I was and I answered 6’4” and she shivered and then I said “Maybe 6’5” and she screamed. Then I asked her “ What’s wrong with you?”

She said “Nothing, I’m just afraid of heights.”

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

When I was a kid we would get some big tires, then get inside and roll down the hill.

Those were the Goodyears.

If the 6 was scared of the 7 because 7 8 9, then why was the 10 the most scared of all?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

Whats worse then getting your car keys stuck in the lock outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go back inside and ask for a coathanger.

One day, I saw a little girl crying alone, so I asked her, “where are your parents?” Then she started crying even more.

Sometimes I hate working at an orphanage.

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top.

It's was tough in the Gateau

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

If a man has 1,000 bees, then you should marry him right away.

Trust me, he's a keeper.

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My wife was really pissed off at my impulse purchase of an expensive swivel chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

Back then, girls used to chase after me like crazy.

But I no longer steal handbags.

First upvotes were enough, then gold and platinum. Now it’s awards.

After we build up a tolerance, I can’t wait to try what Reddit scientists are cooking up as the next praise drug.

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

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My therapist asked me to write letters to the people who have wronged me and then set them on fire.

I wrote it and set them on fire. Now what should I do with the letters?

P.S: Not OC. Taken from r/AskRedditAfterDark. As I was not allowed to crosspost posting as OC.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. ...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

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