UPJOKE
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I'll Never Buy Colgate Toothpaste Ever Again...

It says "guaranteed whiteness" after 2 weeks... It has been 4 weeks and I am still Asian.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

What kind of tree does toothpaste grow on?

Toiletries

My extra sensitive toothpaste ...

doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

I always feel bad using a new toothpaste

In front of my extra sensitive one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

Did you hear about the big toothpaste scandal?

The media are calling it Colgate...

I call my toothpaste "Death"....

....then I tell women, "I had a brush with Death this morning."

What do you call five tubes of human toothpaste?

The winners of the 2023 Darwin Awards!

My new toothpaste is false advertising

It said, "Guaranteed whiteness in 14 days."

Well, it's been 15 days and I'm still Asian.

A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I dropped the toothpaste.

I was crestfallen.

I am like Colgate toothpaste when I dance

Noticeably White

My friend got a job recently as the security guard at a toothpaste factory...

He’s a Colgate-keeper

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

My girlfriend pointed next to her on the bed and said “come here”.

I took a closer look and it was actually just toothpaste.

What kind of a toothpaste does Trump use?

Confidental

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What toothpaste do ants use?

MicroScope

What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

What type of toothpaste do they use in male prisons?

Cavity protection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but I don't think it's working.

I'm still an asshole.

Dad, do you know how much toothpaste is in one tube?

"No I don't. How much?"

"from the couch to the TV stand and back."

How did the man feel when he dropped his tube of toothpaste?

Crest-fallen

What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

Oral-B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tube of toothpaste is a real asshole design.

You can get the stuff out, but you can't get it back in.

I bought a new ‘extra sensitive’ toothpaste the other day

It’s doesn’t work any better. It just sits in the shower and cries

I am never recommending anyone Colgate Whitening toothpaste ever again...

I have been using it for two weeks and I’m still Indian.

What do toothpaste and Winged Hussars have in common?

They both fight against tartars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

My toothpaste fell off of my brush and right onto the floor before I got to brush

I was Crestfallen

Did you hear about the alcoholic with a toothpaste puzzle?

He finally got his Act together

Which female rapper is the spokesperson for Colgate toothpaste?

Clean Ma-teefa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the drug mule wash his asshole with toothpaste?

The package said 'complete cavity protection'.

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

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Why did the blonde start rubbing toothpaste on her vagina?

She heard it helps reduce cavities.

There are 2 kinds of people...

Those that squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom

And

Godforsaken Sociopaths

If dentists make all their money from bad teeth...

....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.

I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelt so minty!

A kid asks his dad how much toothpaste is in a tube. He says "i don't know..."

Kid: "it's almost from the bathroom to the kitchen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

Three guys just met and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I visit /r/jokes."

Last night someone broke into my house

And used my bathroom, it was most disgusting thing I've ever seen

who squeezes toothpaste from middle?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nuns went to a village and stayed a night at a lodging house.

Because it was a small lodging house, there was only one pool where people took a

bath. So the owner told the nuns to take their bath first, then it would be

his turn. But at that time they were busy praying to God, and didn't hear

anything the owner said.

An hour later, ...

Slipped on a tube of toothpaste this morning.

I was crestfallen.

Once a woman from a big city...

Once a woman from big city got married to a man who used to live in the forest with his tribe. That man was illiterate and have never been to a city before and the same goes for his tribe and his family.
After the marriage, the woman moved to his husband house in the village.
On her first mo...

A woman went to the dry cleaners to clean a dress she was going to wear to a party in the evening

She walks in and gives the lady at the desk the dress and the woman walks out

“ come again” the lady at the desk says

The woman turns her back and looks at the lady at the desk and says “ no it was just toothpaste this time”

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Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions o...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

TIL that with every breath I take, about 4 people on this planet die.

I wonder if I should try a different toothpaste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you bitch!"

My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed?

Toothpaste

"Get in the back of the boat!" Tom said sternly.

"I can't, I dropped the toothpaste," Gwen said, crestfallen.

"Then use that fancy glassware to make some more!" Tom retorted.

"All the glassware is full of Beaujolais," Gwen whined.

"And I suppose the rum's all gone," said Tom, dispirited.

\---

(Open to the floor.....

Liquor before beer and you’re clear but

Toothpaste before orange juice and you’re dead

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Brushing 3x a day

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day because there’s no w...

What does the Night's King brush his teeth with?

Wightening toothpaste.

Someone broke into my house last night...

They took all my soap, shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste. They made a clean getaway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

A woman walks into a grocery store

She grabs milk, a banana, toothpaste and a bottle of wine. When she goes to checkout, the cashier asks “Are you single?”

“Why yes, I am, how did you know that?” She exclaims

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly”

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

A woman went to the dry-cleaners...

...to pick up a dress she'd had laundered.

The man behind the counter hands over her garment and just as she's about to leave he says "come again".

With that the woman turns round and says "no, it was just toothpaste this time".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

A blonde walk into the dry clean

She put her dress on the counter and asked for it to be cleaned. The guy behind the counter said as she was leaving "come again" she turned around and replied "no, it's toothpaste this time"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do i have a joke for you...
Its called the cheerio joke.
-------------------------------------
So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

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