What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

A little girl asked her mom , “Do you know how much toothpaste is in a tube?”

Her mom said, “No”.

“About 20 feet!”

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A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

Did you know toothpaste was invented in the southern states?

otherwise it’d be called teethpaste.

Three guys just met eachother and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I am a Redditor."

I bought a new ‘extra sensitive’ toothpaste the other day

It’s doesn’t work any better. It just sits in the shower and cries

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

What kind of toothpaste does Mike Tyson use?

Colgate.

Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?

The last dentist is busy killing a lion

On the front of the toothpaste packaging it said: "For Amazingly Sparkling Teeth!"

"I better not buy it, then," I thought, "because mine are rancid."

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

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A tube of toothpaste is a real asshole design.

You can get the stuff out, but you can't get it back in.

Bought some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day...

It got really jealous when I used a different toothpaste this morning

Did you hear about the big toothpaste scandal?

The media are calling it Colgate...

My friend got a job recently as the security guard at a toothpaste factory...

He’s a Colgate-keeper

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Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

What type of toothpaste do they use in male prisons?

Cavity protection

What would be a good toothpaste slogan in Gotham?

I believe in Pepso-Dent.

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I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but I don't think it's working.

I'm still an asshole.

I am like Colgate toothpaste when I dance

Noticeably White

Which female rapper is the spokesperson for Colgate toothpaste?

Clean Ma-teefa

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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

A kid asks his dad how much toothpaste is in a tube. He says "i don't know..."

Kid: "it's almost from the bathroom to the kitchen!"

I call my toothpaste "Death"....

....then I tell women, "I had a brush with Death this morning."

I am never recommending anyone Colgate Whitening toothpaste ever again...

I have been using it for two weeks and I’m still Indian.

What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

Oral-B

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

What do toothpaste and Winged Hussars have in common?

They both fight against tartars.

I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelt so minty!

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What toothpaste do ants use?

MicroScope

My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks..

Yet after two weeks I'm still asian

I dropped my toothpaste!

...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.

I ran out of toothpaste recently

So I've resorted to brushing with soap. It's pretty gross, but on the plus side I've really cut back on my swearing.

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Why did the drug mule wash his asshole with toothpaste?

The package said 'complete cavity protection'.

Dirty Blonde

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

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Why did the blonde start rubbing toothpaste on her vagina?

She heard it helps reduce cavities.

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Brushing 3x a day

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day because there’s no w...

LPT: Take the time to find a toothpaste you like

Otherwise it will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

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3 nuns went to a village and stayed a night at a lodging house.

Because it was a small lodging house, there was only one pool where people took a

bath. So the owner told the nuns to take their bath first, then it would be

his turn. But at that time they were busy praying to God, and didn't hear

anything the owner said.

An hour later, ...

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste

A girl walks into a dry cleaner

She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

TIL that with every breath I take, about 4 people on this planet die.

I wonder if I should try a different toothpaste.

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My son came racing up to me. He said, "Dad! I've got a spot on my face and my date will be here in a few hours!"

I told him to use toothpaste.

He said, "Will that get rid of it?"

"I don't know," I said. "But your breath fucking stinks."

Slipped on a tube of toothpaste this morning.

I was crestfallen.

A woman walks into a grocery store

She grabs milk, a banana, toothpaste and a bottle of wine. When she goes to checkout, the cashier asks “Are you single?”

“Why yes, I am, how did you know that?” She exclaims

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly”

My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed?

Toothpaste

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A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

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If dentists only make money off of us if we have bad teeth

The why the fuck am I using a toothpaste 4 out of 5 of them are recommending!

You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cas...

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

Someone broke into my house last night...

They took all my soap, shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste. They made a clean getaway.

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

A blonde walk into the dry clean

She put her dress on the counter and asked for it to be cleaned. The guy behind the counter said as she was leaving "come again" she turned around and replied "no, it's toothpaste this time"

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An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you bitch!"

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Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions o...

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you...
Its called the cheerio joke.

\-------------------------------------

So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes hom...

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking home from a bar

A man was walking home from a bar after he’d had a few pints when suddenly he starts hearing a banging noise behind him. Glancing back he imagines that he can see something in the distance but thinks nothing of it and continues on his way home.

Walking round the bend of the street to his hous...

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