A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

A gorgeous young redhead went into the doctor's office.

and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible," says the doctor, "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more pain.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her...

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(Warning: No Punchline) A drunk is hauled in off the street and taken before the magistrate, who asks him to explain his drunken behavior.

”Well,” says the drunk, ”I had ten bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or I’d be in trouble."

”So I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass...

When I was in college...

I liked a girl very much but I was afraid to approach her.One day my friend suggested to write my cellphone number on dollar bill and give it to her. I did likewise and told her it was dropped from her wallet.
The girl took it and went straight to the college cafe. She bought a burger and gave th...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

Three construction workers

three construction workers are having a break, building a large complex. the first says:"dammit, my sandwich has ham again. if I get one again tomorrow, I will jump off, I swear." the second one says:"I got eggs again. if I get eggs again, I'm going to jump off." the third said:"pickles. dammit, if ...

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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A man in the military recently broke up with his ex, so he decided to visit a bar to meet some women.

The man notices a seductive looking woman sitting at the bar.

He introduces himself and she introduces herself likewise.

The woman has a strong sex drive, so she asks him a sexual question to get straight to the point. She asks, “Hey cutie, what’s your body count?”

The man repli...

A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation....

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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Three men are marooned on an island...

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off.
A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was...

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught ...

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

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There were 3 guys, exploring a jungle one day...

They were caught by a tribe of cannibals, but instead of being killed they were brought to the tribal chief.

The chief told them he would let the 3 live, but they had to do 2 things. First off, they had to go into the jungle, and collect 10 pieces of a fruit they find. They would be told thei...

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

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My dad explained the working world to me this way :

Imagine everyone are birds on hanging wires. The birds on different levels of overhead hanging electrical wires are a representation of positions of power in a company.

Birds on the highest level are your CEOs. Likewise, as the levels decrease, so do the positions. The lower levels contain th...

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A Chinese man dies and goes to hell

He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call:

"Do we have Mr. Johnson present?"

"Here," says a man.

"Mr. Smith?"
...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.

"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked

"They ran. Hiding. The black rider is coming" said the old man

"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked

"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man play golf

On the tenth hole Moses hits the ball first but the ball cuts and heads towards the pond, quickly Moses jams his club into the ground and the water parts and the ball lands on the bottom of the pond on dry ground.

Next Jesus goes and likewise the ball heads towards the pond but as it hits the...

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A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to...

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Which hole?

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told them that heaven is pretty crowded right now and that they have to past a test in order to gain admittance. He pointed to Satan who happens to be standing beside him and sa...

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An American and a Soviet die and go to hell...

Satan meets them at the gate.

"Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell."

"What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom.
"Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich.

"Not rea...

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Monkeys and Bananas

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
<...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

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Native American Names

A Native American child was curious as to how he had received his name. So he went to speak to his father, the chieftain of the tribe.

"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name?"

The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.

"Well, my son, I named...

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Three buddies from high school take a trip to Mexico...

Each of the men has spent their lives productively, and are each at the top of their respective fields, and they've kept in touch over the years. They decide that, to celebrate their twentieth high school graduation anniversary, they're going to go down to Mexico City together and generally live it ...

A man wants to cross a bridge...

...but a knight won't let him unless he answers three questions correctly but with each wrong answer, the knight promises to cut off parts of his body. The man agrees. The first question is incorrect and the knight chops off his arms. Likewise, the second question is incorrect and the legs were s...

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After their ship wrecked...

...a Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American washed up on a small island. Not long after, they were captured by savages and forced to kneel. The chief says "We will torture you, kill you, feed your meat to our dogs, and use your skin for our canoes! Any last requests?" The Frenchman requests a kni...

A man was walking down the streets of Ireland...

...until a man came up behind him and pointed a gun to his head. The man with the gun asks "Are you Protestant or Catholic?"

The man then figured he was done for, since if he answers Protestant and the man with the gun was Catholic, he would get killed; and likewise, if he said he was Catholi...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were all builders sitting at the top of their current construction site for lunch. The Englishman opened his sandwich and turned to the others to say:
"Bloody hell I've got Ham and Cheese again!"
The Irishman looks at his sandwich and says: "Aye, I h...

A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

Mr T and I were thinking about scaling a glass wall.

We were looking at the standard equipment and the fancy equipment too. I selected the most basic suction device for my ascent, and suggested Mr T do likewise.

He looked at me and said, "I ain't using no plain sucker!"

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