UPJOKE
neitheranyhowevernotthatthoughonlythusotherwisethereforeratherthenyetneveror

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet!

I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

My girlfriend says it's either her, or my career as a news reporter

I had some breaking news for her.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

One guy started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

An old/dumb "either/or" joke

A man contemplates whether to return home with a taxi or with a bus.

If I take a taxi (he thinks), that's fine. But if I take a bus then there are 2 options: Either I sit alone, or next to someone.

If I sit alone, that's fine. But if I sit next someone, then it's either a man or a wom...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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What do orgasms and pulses have in common

I don’t care if she has either

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

My friend got really mad..

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that..

How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?

Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

You are either anti-pain or …

Propane

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or l...

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

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A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

Some girls at my gym were saying I was related to Bruce Lee.

I had to politely let them know I wasn’t, and my name isn’t Ugg, either.

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A man goes to the doctor and the doc says

“Everything is great! But there’s just one more thing that I need you to do”
The man replied “well what is it?”
The doc says “ I need you to go home and ejaculate in this bottle. We just need to look and see if everything is ok downstairs. Come back tomorrow with the bottle ”
So the man c...

The other day I was wondering, what did people do for fun before the Internet?

I asked my 12 siblings, and they didn’t know either.

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There are no canaries on the Canary Islands. The same is true for the Virgin Islands

There aren't any canaries there either

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There's sex without love, and there's love without sex.

And there's us, without either.

Happy Valentine's Day.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russ...

A salesman walked up to the door of a house and knocked.

A young boy opened the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand.
The salesman asked, “Excuse me son... Are either of your parents home?”

The little boy said, “What the heck do YOU think?”

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

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My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

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A Man wants to go on a fishing trip with his wife and dog, but his wife doesn’t want to go. He says you can either go on the trip, suck my dick, or take it in the butt. She doesn’t want to do any but decides to give him a BJ.

“This tastes like shit!” She says “Yeah, the dog didn’t want to go either.”

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

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A mother in law said

to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier."

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

Sucks how every girl I'm interested in is either taken

or has good taste in men

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Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

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Is sex better for men or women?

I just had a discussion with my wife about sex being better for either men or women.

She said; "Of course for women! When you have that itch in your ear, and you put your finger in to scratch it, where does it feel better? On your finger or in the ear?!"

I still am speechless.

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

A man and a woman in their 50's are out to dinner...

The wife asks, "Honey, when I die, would you ever re-marry?"

The husband replies "I might, but only if I had your blessing..."

The wife says "Of course, my love - but would you let her drive my prized Mercedes??"

The man reassures her saying "No, I would never let another woman ...

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Is it either, or either?

Normally I would say either one, but this time I think that either won.

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant . . .

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?”. His sous chef scans the ...

I went to visit my grandad in the nursing home

He was sitting with a gorgeous nurse on either side of him. While we were talking he started leaning to the right and it looked like he'd fall, but the nurse on that side pushed him upright. A little later he leaned to the other side like he was going to fall, but the nurse on that side pushed him u...

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He's got a mate who has a property there, and he asks innocently, 'G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?' The Kiwi splits his sides. 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!' Still the Aussie says, 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?' The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise. 'How does he treat you?' as...

Not my joke but its funny either way

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives it to him and says “That will be one dollar.” The man is shocked and asks the bartender why the drink is only one dollar. The bartender replies and says, “We’re doing a special sale today!” The man asks the bartender “Wha...

I told my wife: it's either me or the dog

Where should I move?

You’ll hear me yodel’n

Papa heads in to take a shower and yells to his wife, “Ima head’n in to take a shower.
You’ll hear me yodel’n.
If I stop yodel’n, come in and fetch me out as I’ve either fallen or fallen asleep”
“But Papa, mama cries,
“how’ll we know if you’re just in there fiddle’n yaself?”
Papa re...

Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish...

Or she's just acting Koi.

You either have ability...

...or you're nobility.



BOOM roasted. Take that, bourgeoise.

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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

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how is life like toilet paper?

Either you take crap from people or you are on a roll

How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you?

I don't know either but it's probably a piece of cake

People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...

But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

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Sex is hereditary...

If your parents didn't have it, odds are you won't either.

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All people are either bastards or ...

... legitimately fucked up.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

You’re either part of the solution

Or part of the precipitate

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

Why are orphans successful?

Because its either go big or go home. What choice do they have?

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Due to sanctions, people have to queue down for food in Russia these days…

One young man is in line, waiting for eggs, when everybody starts to leave the line—it’s been announced that they are out of eggs.

“Damn,” he remarks, “I remember when they didn’t run out of eggs.”

He moves on, of course, and lines up to buy bread. He waits, and waits, but again the li...

I've decided to not drink anymore

Mind you, I'm not going to drink any less, either.

Guy takes wife to the Doctor

Doc, I don’t really know how to explain what’s wrong with here and she doesn’t know either, but she ain’t the same.

Doc examines her for two hours, all kinds of tests. Finally proclaims it’s either AIDS or Alzheimer’s.

Husband asks what do I do with her now.

Doc says “Drop her o...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

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A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

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A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

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The preacher's sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, "Listen up, everybody! This week's sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up." The congregation stood.

"Stay standing if y...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

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I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, a...

I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either

I just didn't become a surgeon

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.

What did the blonde say when her doc told her she's pregnant?

Hope it's not mine.

What did her blonde doc say?

Hope it's not mine either.

Why are blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can understand them too.

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A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

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New shoes

A young sexy woman went to the mall with her husband and spotted a pair of designer pumps in the window of an upscale shoe store and began staring, imagining how sexy she'd look wearing them…
The husband looked over and saw her and interrupted, "No fucking chance love, they're way too expensive! ...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked...

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(Long) The Amputee

A woman is walking down the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs crying.

"What's the matter honey?" she asks.
"I was just thinking about love and life, and how I've never really been hugged before." He replies with tears in his eyes.

Feeling bad for him, she decide...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where an old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” s...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

Did you know that Helen Keller had a cat?

Don’t worry, she didn’t know either.

Wisdom or Money?

A man goes on a trip to the desert. At one point, he walks off alone, and suddenly stumbles upon an old lamp.

It's old but may bring a few bits, he rubs the lamp and is amazed when a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from t...

Not much of a man…

An old, grizzled truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one spat in the trucker's coffee, an...

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

Two blondes are on either side of a river.

One of them yells to the other: "HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"




The other blonde yelled back: "YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

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Socket to me...

A guy is on a business trip to another state and on the last evening decides to spend a few hours drinking downstairs at the bar. He hits it off with one of the barmaids and after flirting heavily with each other they decide to meet up in his room for a nightcap. Later on, she knocks on his door and...

Everyone argues over writing dates 2 October or October 2, either way

10/2 your own damn business.

A genie offered me either +10 million dollars or +10 IQ points. I took the +10 IQ points.

Damn I was stupid.

I was so sad I could not get to the store in time to get myself either an Xbox or a PS5.

Nobody could console me.

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

What happened to the first cow to travel through time?

They either went to the future or the pasture.

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How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know either, but it sure isn't 8 because my basement is still dark!

It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yoursel...

The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia

I can't remember which one and it's making me lose sleep!

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

Why is Putin's government like Microsoft Edge?

You can't uninstall either.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

Jumping with a rope can either be fun or sad.

It all depends on where the rope is attached.

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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

A bus is driving on an icy road and inevitably slips off, killing all 25 passengers on board.

St. Peter had the day off, so God was manning the gates of heaven.
He was surprised to see a group of 25, so he asked what happened. The group explained their predicament.

God felt sad for the unfortunate accident, and feeling like he somehow was responsible for willing that road to ice t...

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

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