A genie offered me either +10 million dollars or +10 IQ points. I took the +10 IQ points.

Damn I was stupid.

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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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Why does everyone want to be either first or second in a competition?

Nobody wants to be a turd.

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

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A wife asks her husband, why they don’t have sex any more? The husband answers, “It could be one of two things. One, either I’m too drunk to have sex with you”

“ or two, I’m not drunk enough. “

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When I was 13 a genie offered me either a great memory or a huge penis

Can't remember what I picked

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It’s either MCU memes or her.

I was shocked, all I could get out was “I’m sorry, little one.”

When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.

Two blondes are walking down either side of a river...

One hollers over to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The other one yells back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia

I can't remember which one and it's making me lose sleep!

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I was given a choice at birth I could either have a large penis or a good memory

I don’t remember which one I picked

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

I once tried ice skating on a lake, but I fell in. Nobody helped me either, they just laughed at me panic.

Worst summer vacation ever.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

My girlfriend made me pick between either the iPhone or her

(Sent from my iPhone)

I used to be a beekeeper, but my wife demanded that I either leave her or the bees because she had so many stings. At first, I thought this couldn't be true.

Then I saw her face, ...

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

They say you can use either the stairs or an elevator to get to the top of a building...

I prefer the ladder.

You either die as SpongeBob

Or live long enough to see yourself become a Squidward .

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, t...

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

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What do you call a guy who can jerk off equally well with either hand?

Ambidickstrous.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out" ... so we snuck in through the rear entrance

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

If no one else is eating Indian flatbread, I won’t either.

I guess you can say I’m a Naan conformist.

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What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has either.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

I went to a job fair recently. I walked into the room and cried out "somebody is either going to give me a job today, or you'll have to carry me out of here kicking and screaming!"

WikiLeaks told me I was overqualified.

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

I'm either pregnant, or I'm getting fat.

Either way, a good set of stairs should solve my problem.

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A good percentage of my friends are either racist, sexist, or Nazis.

Zero percent. That’s a good percentage of friends like that to have.

He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either.

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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

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When I was 10, a genie gave me two choices: either your dick grows to be massive, or you will have an amazing memory for the rest of your life.

And for the life of me, I can't remember what I chose...

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt an...

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Has anyone heard the new Hellen Keller album?

It's okay, neither has she.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

They say there's no “I” in team

But there's no “us” either, just “me”

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

Joke translated from Russian

I young writer asks his dad to help with the title for the first book he has written. Without reading the book, dad asks his son:

<Dad> Is there anything about drum?

<Son> No, there is nothing about drums..

<Dad> Anything about trumpets?

<Son> And ...

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

Is either pronounced eye-ther or eee-ther?

It's either

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

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Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

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What does a girl say to a guy when she sees his huge dick?

Im not sure either.

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther"

He said, "You can say either."

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Two monks are fishing in the pond behind their monastery one day, and one of them reels in the biggest fish either of them have ever seen...

Friar Brian, who caught the fish says, "Holy shit! Just look at the size of this son of a bitch!"

The other monk shushes him and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, just calm down. That is no way for a devoted man of the cloth to talk. Let's bring this fish inside to the monastery chef and see if he'll ...

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An elderly couple go to the doctor. The doctor says the wife either has Alzheimer's, or AIDS.

"Well, how do we find out which one?"
"Is there a market in your town?"
"Yes...in the middle of town. Is that relevant?"

"Very relevant! What I want you to do, is take her to the market, and abandon her there!"
"Abandon my wife? But she might have Alzheimer's! What do I do then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he either wants to be a pizza delivery guy or a pool cleaner.

Little bastard must have found my porn stash.

I only had enough money to buy either a ladder or a rope...

I chose the latter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there's no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I'd get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend's best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.

After my birthday dinner my girlfr...

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Some people like to categorize others as either "dog people" or "cat people" ...

...but I consider this a false dog-cat-omy.

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So this guy brings his wife to the Dr and asks what's wrong with her. The Doc says it's either AIDS or alzheimers. But how do we know says the guy.

Doc says take her out to the woods and leave her. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her.

A girl had the choice of going out with either a fencer or a boxer.

The fencer was really kind and gentle, while the boxer seemed rowdy. In the end, she chose to go out with the boxer.
I asked her, "Why did you choose the boxer? The fencer seemed really nice."
She responded, " I don't know, the fencer just seemed rapier."

So there’s two guys on either side of a river,

And one of them yells to the other: “HEY, I NEED YOUR HELP TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE”,
And the other guy goes: “YOU’RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE!”

In maths you either...

Sit around doing nothing because you don't understand anything or you sit around doing nothing because you understand everything.

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.

“What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?

Because they're always trying to find the x.

They don't know y, either.

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I'll either get married or hang myself.

Fuck it. I'll tie the knot.

Which American state is not great, but not bad either?

OK.

90s kids won't get this either

Jobs

In the Alabama senatorial race next week, Roy Moore is either going to win...

...or he's going to come in a little behind.

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

If I had to choose to hang out with either Mario, Luigi or Toad. I'd pick Toad.

He seems like a fungi.

You know the punchline for it won't be funny either, but it'll still be reposted eventually.

Why are Jeopardy! jokes posted on Reddit not hilarious?

given the context, "hard at work" is something your boss would either really love or really hate for you to be

because erections

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An angel once offered me either a big penis or long lasting memory.

I don't quite remember what I answered.

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