UPJOKE
neitheranyhowevernotthatthoughonlythusotherwisethereforeratherthenyetneveror

Either Jokes

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Wonder Woman.

She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

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If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, its either

1. She has intimacy issues
2. She is frigid
3. She should find another seat in the bus

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as wel...

My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"


-Rodney Dangerfield

I've been told that I'm either naive or stupid.

I'm not sure which side I'm moron.

To be saved you need either calvary or cavalry.

Both will save you, but one doesn't wait until you are dead.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Two old men are sitting on either end of a park bench...

On one side, the old man is quietly reading his newspaper.

On the other end of the bench, that old man is pantomiming fishing. He takes our an imaginary worm, baits an imaginary hook, casts out with his imaginary rod, and slowly reels in the imaginary line. He then unhooks an imaginary fi...

Two blondes standing on either side of a river

One yells across to the other: "How do you get to the other side!?"

other one yells back: "You ARE on the other side!"

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

it's not great, but not terrible either.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morni...

Is it either, or either?

Normally I would say either one, but this time I think that either won.

Why did it seem like everyone either loved or hated the song “Let It Go” from Frozen?

It was polarizing

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish...

Or she's just acting Koi.

Wife to husband on their son's 10th birthday: Honey, Kevin still doesn't look like either of us. Why is that?

Husband: Of course he doesn't! Don't you remember when we were leaving the hospital and he had soiled his diaper? You told me to go change him. And I did!

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

An old/dumb "either/or" joke

A man contemplates whether to return home with a taxi or with a bus.

If I take a taxi (he thinks), that's fine. But if I take a bus then there are 2 options: Either I sit alone, or next to someone.

If I sit alone, that's fine. But if I sit next someone, then it's either a man or a wom...

Two students are arguing about how to pronounce the word "either"

One student insists it's pronounced ee-ther while the other insists it's pronounced eye-ther. They go back and forth until they decide to ask the teacher. "Teacher, what's the right way to say it? Is it ee-ther or eye-ther?" The teacher blinks and says, "oy-ther will do."

You are either anti-pain or …

Propane

Wife: i can’t take it anymore. You have to choose if it’s either me or the alcohol. Which is it?

Husband: it’s you, I can tell by the voice

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

You either have ability...

...or you're nobility.



BOOM roasted. Take that, bourgeoise.

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Which American state is not great, but not bad either?

OK.

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For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there's no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I'd get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend's best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.

After my birthday dinner my girlfr...

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

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All people are either bastards or ...

... legitimately fucked up.

I'm either pregnant, or I'm getting fat.

Either way, a good set of stairs should solve my problem.

You’re either part of the solution

Or part of the precipitate

90s kids won't get this either

Jobs

Not my joke but its funny either way

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives it to him and says “That will be one dollar.” The man is shocked and asks the bartender why the drink is only one dollar. The bartender replies and says, “We’re doing a special sale today!” The man asks the bartender “Wha...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

My girlfriend says it's either her, or my career as a news reporter

I had some breaking news for her.

Sucks how every girl I'm interested in is either taken

or has good taste in men

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My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

Why was the narrow strip of land with sea on either side, forming a link between two larger areas of land so happy?

It was a merry isthmus!

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

One guy started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.

It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.

"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."

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I'll either get married or hang myself.

Fuck it. I'll tie the knot.

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Good strippers need either cunning stunts..

Or stunning....

I told my wife: it's either me or the dog

Where should I move?

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

Either!

Boy: Dad I can't tell if either is pronounced as ee-ther or i-ther... Which one do you use?

Dad: Either.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

It’s either this, or that!

Wife: is my husband ok?

Doc: unfortunately, his test results got mixed up with another patient. We can’t tell if he’s infected with the Coronavirus or if he has Alzheimer’s...

Wife: so, what am I supposed to do now?!

Doc: take him to the woods, if finds his way back home, don’t...

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"You aren't so good in bed either!"

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were yo...

A genie offered me either +10 million dollars or +10 IQ points. I took the +10 IQ points.

Damn I was stupid.

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Dogs are either one of two things...

A bitch or a son of a bitch

It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

My girlfriend made me pick between either the iPhone or her

(Sent from my iPhone)

A robot is either a boy or a girl.

It's binary.

Jumping with a rope can either be fun or sad.

It all depends on where the rope is attached.

Either Chewbacca is in the next cubicle

or someone needs to start adding fruit to their diet!

Everyone argues over writing dates 2 October or October 2, either way

10/2 your own damn business.

What Italian dictator is either the strongest, or the fishiest?

Benito Muscle-ini or Benito Mussel-ini

If you don't know what either of the words mean

Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a fun activity.

My wife said it's either her or the dog.



So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine.

I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either

I just didn't become a surgeon

Chuck Norris wasn't perfect either,

because he was missing his weakness​es.

In maths you either...

Sit around doing nothing because you don't understand anything or you sit around doing nothing because you understand everything.

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A good percentage of my friends are either racist, sexist, or Nazis.

Zero percent. That’s a good percentage of friends like that to have.

Is either pronounced eye-ther or eee-ther?

It's either

I'm 95% sure I'm either a kleptomaniac or a charitable person

Give or take a few percent...

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

“You’ve either got it or you haven’t.”

-A terrible doctor

I was just on the phone with a company that said I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band...

I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

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A mother looks at her teenage son and tells her husband this kid looks nothing like either of us.

The husband says; I know, remember in the maternity ward when he pooped and you asked me to change him?

I did.

If no one else is eating Indian flatbread, I won’t either.

I guess you can say I’m a Naan conformist.

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It’s either MCU memes or her.

I was shocked, all I could get out was “I’m sorry, little one.”

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When I was 13 a genie offered me either a great memory or a huge penis

Can't remember what I picked

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting...

...or has multiple restraining orders against me?

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Some people like to categorize others as either "dog people" or "cat people" ...

...but I consider this a false dog-cat-omy.

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

A girl had the choice of going out with either a fencer or a boxer.

The fencer was really kind and gentle, while the boxer seemed rowdy. In the end, she chose to go out with the boxer.
I asked her, "Why did you choose the boxer? The fencer seemed really nice."
She responded, " I don't know, the fencer just seemed rapier."

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What do you call a guy who can jerk off equally well with either hand?

Ambidickstrous.

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I was given a choice at birth I could either have a large penis or a good memory

I don’t remember which one I picked

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

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"It's either me or your mute fuck buddy!" said my girlfriend.

I decided to keep quiet.

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