UPJOKE
besidesas welltoothathoweveronlythoughlikewisenotalreadybecausealthoughaswhicheither

Also Jokes

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say at dinner and also during sex?

In ‘n Out or Five Guys?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's also mine

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole th...

What date is also a command?

March 4th.

True Story that is also a joke. (It really is true.)

I was doing tourist stuff in New Orleans one summer and had gone down to the waterfront. I was sitting on a bench looking out at the water when a guy came up to me and offered me a bet. He said, "I bet you $5 I can tell you where you got your shoes."

I was from several states away so I figure...

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since thongs are also known as butt floss

Does that mean they prevent anal cavities?

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

My maths teacher is also a successful model...

That's what I call a significant figure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant

In response to the news I just said "Holy fuck!"

Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd ...

What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?

an Acidic Jew.

\*Slaps Knee\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say as a teacher, but also during sex?

I'd better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period.

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

At my restaurant job, everyone who works in the kitchen is also a musician.

The dishwasher plays guitar OK, but the prep cook shreds on the mandoline.

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

What do you call a geometry teacher who is also an undercover police?

A secret tangent.

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?

Because they're stud-ants!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there is casual sex, there also must be formal sex.

Ah. Yes. Ah. Ah. Ah. Quite.

In Soviet Russia we also have a Snoop Dogg.

But he just regular dog who work for KGB.

What did the beef wellington say to its father that is also its grandfather?

I'm inbred

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

What do you call a Nany that is also an anti-vaxer?

Mrs Doubt Pfizer

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth...

Its pasteurized before you even see it!

What do you call a communist agronomist who also sells insurance?

Jake from the State Farm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t use Viagra if you’re also taking an iron supplement.

You'll spend several hours facing north.

I also have a joke that's never heard before!

My neighbor is going to court for allegedly beating his wife and kids with his belly muscles.

He's being tried for domestic ab use.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls also have two balls

Eyeballs

I also like my coffee like i like my slaves.

Hand-picked from a third world country.

...I'll show myself out.

I also got fired from the sperm bank

I was caught drinking on the job

What starts with Y that also ends with Y?

A relationship.

What do you call an East African prince who’s also a wine snob?

A sommelier Somali heir

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, while they're just laying there, her phone rings.

The woman answers and has a short conversation.

When she hangs up her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having o...

What kind of soap can also be used to keep away men?

Deter gents

A friend of mine is a veterinarian. He is also a taxidermist...

A friend of mine is a veterinarian.

He is also a taxidermist.

He has a sign on the side of his car that reads, “Either way, you get your dog back.”

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Word Election and Erection Are Spelt Similarly. They also have the same meaning

A dick rising to power!

I have chronic diarrhea. My dad also has chronic diarrhea, and his dad had it too...

It runs in our jeans.

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

A great joke for a date (Also, my first post)

So a man, Bill takes a young lady, Kelly, on a date. He decides to take her to the carnival. Upon asking what she wants to do, Kelly says, "I want to get weighed."

A bit confused, the man takes her to the weighing station, where the man gets her weight right on the third guess.

Havin...

A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that i was really sweet.

Well her exact words were "severely diabetic" but I know what she meant. I got the hint.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I also met my girlfriend at a zoo like u/moosekila

She was beautiful, but she was behind bars, now I am.



I know this joke is shit, but she was throwing hers

What mumble rap group was also famous for their singing?

The Do-Re-Migos

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

I went on a date with someone who also spoke the Zulu language

We clicked right away.

I lost part of my hand in a freak accident that also gave me amnesia

I’m trying to remember what happened, but I can’t put my finger on it

A stalker was caught sneaking into Emma Raducanu's house and also stole her father's boot.

The tennis star chose to downplay the incident but her father is hopping mad .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a word for Delightful, but also extremely stinky?

Exquishit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is also WOW

As in WOW I'm actually getting some!

I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl.

Because ducks have bills too, you know.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye?

An Invest-igator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first joke post on Reddit, also my favorite joke.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a treatment for viagra overdose and also a software company?

Ubisoft.

Do you also like that russian vegetable?

I think it was called the soviet onion.

I would also look towards the sky before my trigonometry test

I was looking for a sine from up above

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man dies. His dog lies down next to him and died also.

And so, they find themselves above the clouds near the Pearly gates and a sign "Herein lies Heaven. Absolutely no dogs allowed."

He doesn't enter and goes further. They walk down a road and see other gates, with no sign on them, and a bearded man sitting on a bench nearby.

"Excuse me,…...

Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...

they've been found to copulate with corpses.

NeCROWphilia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a line you can use in a job interview and during sex also

I have a habit of coming early

Smoking will kill you, and Bacon will also kill you

But smoking bacon will cure it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I also wanna see if this hindi joke can withstand translation

The Master sacks his servant from the job.

....after a few days.....

Master - Why do you shit outside my house everyday?

Servant - To help you realise that even though you have sacked me, I find enough to eat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I also heard a dick joke at church camp

One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who c...

How do you upset redditors while also stating a well known fact?

Tell them Left isnt Right.

Having Alzheimer also carries some advantages...

First of all, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror. Secondly, you can always enjoy an old joke as if you heard it for the first time. And finally, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a partner that's always there for you when you're down, but also extremely horny?

A cum-forter

Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...

I don't think that's Trudeau

Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't unde...

Bill and Bob are best friends and are also baseball fans...

...they are sitting in a bar discussing if heaven has baseball. They decide to make a pact. The first to die will return and tell the other if baseball has heaven or not. Years go buy and Bob dies. Bill is walking down the road and has forgotten their pact. Suddenly Bob appears. Bill is shocked and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God tells Jesus that he's also the Jews' God.

Jesus: No way!

God: Yaweh

What's a huge red flag, but also a big plus, so overall it's neutral?

The Swiss flag

Heard this the other day, also the one about the hedgehog....



A chicken walks into the library and says: "bok bok", So the librarian hands him a book. She takes it, goes away and the next day comes back.

The chicken again says "bok bok", and the librarian hands him new books. Away she went. The third day, chicken says "bok bok bok", and the libr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.