A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

A Doctor is visiting a patient at an asylum

Doctor: What is this?

Mad man: This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.

Doctor: You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?

Mad man: On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'.

And on the last page i wrote 'The king reac...

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

Two hobos...

were walking down a set of railroad tracks one hot afternoon when they walk up on a dead animal. The first hobo says " alright! something to eat, I haven't eaten in days. Are you going to join me? There is plenty to go around" the second hobo politely declines.

After the first hobo has his f...

A log chopper came looking for a job in a lumber camp

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, " Okay, here's an axe-let' s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree a...

A 60 year old, a 70 year old and an 80 year old man are talking...

The sixty year old says:
- Man, the age of 60 is so painful. You walk around the toilet, and you open and close the tap, but still, at the end of the day, you can only pee a few drops... It's horrible!
- That's horrible?! - says the 70 y. o. - At the age of 70 you can barely push anything out ...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

A Russian, an American and a Vietnamese were on a private plane together.

At 10,000 feet, the plane started encountering some problems and the pilot announced: "Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are running out of fuel, we will need to throw our baggage away to reduce the weight if we wish to land safely!"

He then opened the door and asked the passengers to begin letting go...

I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

A man orders three drinks

A man orders three drinks, all the same, all at once, and drinks them all.

"You know we got plenty" says the bartender "No need to let them all sit"

"Oh, you see, it's a tradition" says the man "Me and my two brothers used to go out to get drinks together. We've since gone our separat...

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

There once was a sailor from Brighton

Who said to his gal, "You're a tight 'un."

She said, "Upon my soul!

You're in the wrong hole!

There's plenty of room in the right 'un"

When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.

Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

A man and a woman were driving on their way to their wedding when they got in an accident and were both killed instantly.

Now they're both up at the pearly gates, and they say to St. Peter, "We were just about to get married, do you think we can have our wedding in heaven?" St. Peter says, "I don't know, wait here and I'll go find a priest and ask him." So the couple is sitting there on a bench, waiting and waiting for...

I know plenty of jokes about the unemployed

But, none of them work

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet.

I bet she is plotting something against me.

I'm sure that there's plenty of jokes about unemployment

but they just don't work.

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

I'm happy British Airways has decided to ground it's 747 fleet

With four engines there will be plenty of spares in case of problems. I was on one when the pilot announced "We've lost one engine so there will be a half hour delay to landing." Then he announced a further delay as he'd lost another engine. I was thinking I hope we don't lose the other two or we'll...

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

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Since translated jokes are becoming a thing now, I will(attempt) to translate a Turkish joke...

One day Temel goes to the local caffe with his friends. While playing games and drinking tea a Japanese dude walks in and says "Does anyone in here got the balls to beat me ?". After this Temel gets up and says "I do", then they both head outside. 5 minutes later Temel comes back with a broken nose ...

A young farmer decides he wants to try his hand at raising chickens....

So he goes to the farm supply store where he is approached by an employee. He explains that he's always grown his own vegetables and has plenty of land so he wants to try raising chickens.

The sales associate asks a few questions then recommends a good setup for the young farmer to begin rai...

They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what happens when someone can’t catch any fish?

They become master baiters.

I get plenty of exercise.

I'm frequently jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Showing Off

An American, a Cuban, a Scotsman and a lawyer, were on a cruise ship. As they were standing on the deck, watching the waves and chatting, each one started showing off.
The Cuban took out a nice Cohiba cigar, lit it, took just one puff and tossed it into the sea. The other guys were flabbergasted....

The first time I took my wife deer hunting we had terrible luck hitting any deer even though we found plenty..after a couple hours of this she devised a plan where she would chase the deer towards me so they would be easier to shoot.

Unfortunately i ended up shooting her dead the first time we tried it. Years later when i was hunting with my new wife the first time she suggested the exact same plan. I told her "No No No...the last time I tried that it took me all day to get a deer"

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So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients. One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too". The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're...

Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

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"We got plenty of those where I come from." NSFW

So... an American, Russian, and a Mexican are sitting on the edge of the Grand Canyon just hanging out as they so often do. After a while the Mexican pulls out a huge joint and sparks it up. He proceeds to smoke only half of it and tosses the rest into the canyon. The Russian says "Hey man, why didn...

My friend was having trouble with girls, so I told him there's plenty fish in the sea.

He's since been charged with bestiality.

The first contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many people ill despite th...

Teresa May is leaving Plenty of Fish

Teresa May is leaving plenty of fish because she just didn't get the man-date she wanted

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

Got a big audition coming up that requires me to tell a good school appropriate joke. I have plenty of jokes, none of them school appropriate. I thought I'd come here for help.

Got a big audition coming up that requires me to tell a good school appropriate joke. I have plenty of jokes, none of them school appropriate. I thought I'd come here for help.

There might be plenty of good food choices in College..

.. but you can't Top Ramen

An old Latvian anecdote

Part 1:

So a Latvian, Russian and Englishman are on a plane and as the plane is circling around the airport they are beginning to get a little nervous when the pilots voice suddenly sounds "the plane is too heavy to land we need to drop some weight or else we won't make it to the airport" and...

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

I have just come back from Boots Pharmacy...

...to get a thermometer, but was told they were sold out by 8am that morning. I was told they had plenty of barometers on the shelves, but i said sorry, i don't give in to pressure sales.

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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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An elderly married couple are at the doctor's, and he has some bad news.

"Mrs Smith," he says, "I'm afraid you have developed quite a serious heart murmur. In view of your age and frailty, I cannot recommend surgery. You still have several years left to you if you are careful to avoid excitement, and in particular, I have to emphasise that, if you have continued to be se...

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.” The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the diving board.”

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My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt

I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt

On my TV I can see plenty of zombies, cartoon characters, and religious hucksters.

I guess the elections are coming up soon!

I really love playing my Nintendo Switch on the bus during my commute to work.

Ensures plenty of Mii time.

Yo momma defies the laws of economics

She's got plenty of supply, but there's absolutely no demand

Bill brings home his girlfriend to meet his mother...

Bill's mom scans her up and down with a stern face..

M: "Give it up, you can find plenty better"

B: "BUT MOM, I LOVE HER...!"

M: "I was talking to her..."

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants," said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I won't," I said, as I picked up a rock

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

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NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

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