UPJOKE
thereforehencesowhichhoweverconsequentlyindeedbecausethisfurthermoremoreoverneverthelessotherwiseratheractually

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What color were the skies over the Bahamas thus weekend?

Dorian Gray

George W. Bush would have stopped 5G, thus stopping COVID-19.

He hates towers.

A man named his children second, minute and hour, and thus he was nicknamed father time

One day, they was all in their house and a robber burst through the front door and said, 'nobody move!' When recalling the event, second said, it was like time stood still'

An overconfident MMA fighter entered the cage without proper warmup and had not trained for months. Subsequently he incurred a severe injury for which the doctor advised to not enter the ring ever again. Thus it is appropriately said...

A grapple a day keeps the doctor away

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite...

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Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti-proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their f...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Ellen Pao walks into [this content violates our ban on anti-reddit propoganda policy and his thus been banned ]

*Admin Note:*

*The next user to make a joke about our glorious leader Ellen Pao shall be banned along with the offending subreddit.*

*Signed:*

*Grand Vizier Hippo Hamburger*

What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

What weighs more? an elephant or a human?

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.

a father and his son are having a heart-felt talk.

“my boy”. the father started. “you are now about to became the old coot that i had been, so thus i entrust you with this book, and i hope it would be useful as it was to me.”

the son, curious on the present his father gave him, looked at the title of the book:

“1001 best dad jokes, eve...

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

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TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate "why were you arrested?" The inmate replies him "My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup".
He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmat...

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After a stormy night...

... next to a small fishing village, a corpse is found on the shore.

Since most men are out fishing, and are expected not to return for a week, the authorities try to identify the dead body. To complicate things, the only part of the body that's not ruined from the exposure to the elements, ...

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

As a middleaged Argentine native I have come to the conclusion that our big ego and our arrogance don't let us see things the way they really are. We must admit that sometimes we make mistakes. Thus, we Argentines are imperfect.

...until you reach 50.

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.

We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like som...

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

Flat Earthers vindicated

The surface of the earth is approx 70% water. None of it is carbonated, thus proving the earth is flat.

Old Arabs used primitive stenography in war correspondence by sending meaningless sentences, with the initial letters of words as the real deal.

Thus was: We Hate Early Retreat Ending after returning eager to have eggs after rear right of wet sea.

And we used to send a reply as this one:

Upon  Pondering Your Order Utmost rates are still solid

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

Ding ding ding

So this woman tired of the norm puts an ad in the newspaper for a husband. It says, "He must never beat on me, he must never follow me when I go out with friends and he must be amazing in bed".

The next day her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man in a wheel chair with no arms and...

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When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

No E-Mail

A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

“You are hired.” – the employer said. ”Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”...

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

After persuading Adam and Eve to eat the Forbidden Fruit, the Serpent decides to ask God something

"Hey, God, I just ruined Adam and Eve's lives! I got them to eat the Fruit that you specifically asked them not to eat!"

"Ok."

"I gotta ask though, why did you not want to them to eat it? Why do you care if they have knowledge of Good and Evil? Is it because you want to be the only one...

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It was time for the day of revelations. The Apocalypse.

The Lord said, "IS ALL IN PREPERATION?"

And his angels said, "Yes, oh, Alpha and Omega! Shall we break the seals?"

And the Lord said, "LET IT BE DONE."

Conquest, War, Famine and Death were then unleashed. As one, they asked in their terrible voices: "Shall we unleash the final ...

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer

And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

Two friends meet and one of them has a penguin...

Friend 1: My God it's been too long since we've seen each other brother how are you?
Friend 2: I know its good to see you..but tell me why there is a penguin beside you?

Friend 1: Yeah a found thus little guy and I have no idea what to do with him..

Friend 2: Don be dumb take him to...

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A kid asks his dad about how politics work

His father explains: Well my son, look at it this way. It is split into five main sections: The people, the government, the economic power, the future of the country and the working class.



Son: I don't understand



Father: Think of it this way: I am the one who earns all ...

Why is r/Jokes like a fencing match?

... because you usually win with a riposte!


(This terrible pun is wholly original, so far as I know. Thus it will die in infamy without upvotes)

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

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A horse walks into a bar...

... and the barman says "Why the long face?"
The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

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Sports Teams should be named for what their city is famous for

For example: Dallas is known for cowboys, San Francisco was the place for the miners, 49ers, to bring their gold and claims, Islignton was famous as being home of the Artillery Regiment, thus "Arsenal," Milwauke HAD brewing.

Washington should change their name to "Senators," and Cleveland cou...

Chemistry Poem

Oxygen U played Hydrogen Tech and the game had just begun,

when Hydrogen racked up two quick scores while Oxygen still had none.

Then Oxygen scored a single run and thus it did remain,

at Hydrogen 2, Oxygen 1, called because of rain.

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

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An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

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Trip to Japan

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan, and he hires a hooker. The whole night the hooker keeps screaming, "Hosthimota! Hosthimota!"

The man doesn't know what the word means, but he's positive he's pleased the hooker to the best of his abilities, and thus assumes it's positive...

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on n...

TIL that a flock of crows is called a murder.

Thus apparently, gangsta rap lyrics are mostly about ornithology.

English food and English women

And thus a great nation of sailors was born

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The d...

In 100,000 BC, a man woke up, passed a joint to his wife

...and thus started the stone age!

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A man thought he was a worm.

A man thought he was a worm. And thus he was afraid of chickens, because, well, chickens eat worms. Obviously.

So he went into therapy. After 6 months the therapist managed to convince him that he no longer was a worm.

And as a final test, he needed to face chickens. Upon seeing the ch...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other?

So, in our entire lives we've never actually touched something.


Thus, officer, the answer to your question is no. No I didnt punch that kid in the face.

Carpenter's apprentice

A carpenter took on a young blonde girl as an apprentice. On their first job together, he was on the roof and she on the ground. He shouted down to her, "Tie the saw to the rope so I can haul it up."

She put her hand to her ear, indicating she couldn't hear him. Two more, louder, attempts wer...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are an extinct species, thus incapable of using the bathroom.

Jokes are like frogs

Because if you dissect them, they die.
Except to use the word "dissect" implies the frog or joke in question is already dead. The correct word choice would be "vivisect," which is the equivalent of a dissection, but with the animal (or joke) still alive. Much like a dissection, vivisections are u...

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Someone from the nazi army sneezes...

Thus breaking the command of staying still Hitler yells "who sneezed?" Nobody talks, so he executes the first row. Again he yells "who sneezed?", nobody talks so he executes the second row, he goes to the third row and yells "who sneezed?" A man from the third row knows he's gonna get executed anywa...

Student (to teacher): What you teach is all useless junk.

Teacher: Please don't deprecate yourself thus.

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his...

There once was a man from Stamboul

There once was a man from Stamboul,
who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You've taken my health,
you've ruined my wealth,
and now you won't pee, you old fool!"

A theological one for the computer scientists

After the animals exited the ark, the Lord came to the animals and the Lord spoke "Go forth and multiply".

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, we cannot fulfil the commandment, for we are adders"

Thus spoke the Lord "Go and cut down the trees, and out of the trees you shall fashi...

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

Nihilist Horse Walks in to a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and dissatisfaction in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anyt...

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was “How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom...

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A man meets a shaman

Having been down on his luck for quite a number of years, the man figured it wouldn't hurt any more to consult him.

After hearing his numerous misfortunes in life, the shaman tells him: "I have seen countless souls turn cruel and uncaring when their fortunes change drastically for the better,...

Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home a...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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A hiker was traveling through Switzerland when he got tired, so he decided to stop at the next house he passed.

In that house lived a farmer, his wife, and his daughter. When the hiker knocked on the door, the farmer told him to sleep in the barn. Then the farmer went straight to bed.

The farmer's daughter went down to the barn and returned an hour later covered in straw, with her clothes all dishevele...

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A French man, a Brazilian man, a American man and an English man died. They got to the Heaven's Gate, where they were received by Saint Peter.

\- That's how it works. - said Peter. - To get in, you need to have a clean mind, good thoughts, no malicious at all. Thus, I'll test you basing your fate on your answer. Alright?

The four men lined up.

\- First, the French. - said Peter. - Answer me: where do women have more curly ha...

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the fir...

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

My friend from the Middle East has really low self esteem.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

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A man goes to a palmist

He wanted to know his future. So he went to a Palmist who saw his hand and predicted thus:

"From your 30th year you will live in a Big mason and there you will not have to cook your meals ever. Your meals will be served to you by attendants. There will be a lot of people around you and a l...

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A bear and a rabbit pooped in the forest.

The bear asked the rabbit, ‘Doesn’t it matter if the poop sticks onto the fur?’ The rabbit replied, ‘It doesn’t matter.’ Thus the bear used the rabbit to wipe his ass.”

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The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

A donkey, mule, and a horse walk into a bar

On their way to the bar a man looks at the donkey and yells “what an ass!”

The equestrians shrug off this distasteful jab and continue towards the bar.

The same man stands up and looks at the mule saying “I’d yell all day but now I’m a little horse!”

The equestrians ignore the m...

So there are these two rich old men who live next to each other...

At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.

Then one day the first neighbor ...

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

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This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

Being punctual

Alex, David and Steve want to visit a zoo the next day, so they decided to meet at David home first, who is quite forgetful.

Alex arrives first at Davids home and together they wait for Steve. They decided to call Steve: "Hey, where are you?", Steve replies that he soons get up from bed and ...

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

When Canada was being formed, they couldn't agree on what to name the new country.

They figured they'd at least need to figure out what the first letter should be. There were a few suggestions.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The next said "N, eh?"

The third said "D, eh?"

And thus, Canada was born.

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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Having a baby son and a methhead girlfriend at the same time is hard work.

I mean, one keeps shitting on the floor, cries all the time, gets sick constantly and thus costs me a fortune.

Sometimes I feel lucky that my son is a quiet kind of kid

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A doctor was running a final test to determine whether the treatment for his psychiatric patients works or not

So the doctor brought the 3 patients to an empty pool and asks all of them to jump into the pool.

The first one without hesitate jumped and landed face first thus considered fail.

The second one took a step back, and looked at the doctor, and he said 'doc I cant swim, I might drown'. T...

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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your ...

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

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