UPJOKE
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Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

did anybody see that hilarious Amy schumer bit?

me neither

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I have a little bit of every kink

I’m a jerk-off-all trades

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

What did the tree yell when it was bit by a dog?

Bark bark bark BARK!

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

Was listening to this radio host about how guys should express their feminine side a bit more..

So I wrote it down on piece of paper and threw it in my purse

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is.

The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just hav...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

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I dated Amber Heard for a bit, but didn't sleep with her

Couldn't make it passed turd base

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

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Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

I tried only fans for a bit, but...

My house was still too hot so I ended up getting a new AC system.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?

I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

"I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl.."

"Ok, that's three," interrupted the genie.

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

A little bit about me: I’m 6’3” with tattoos.

I’m 5’9” without.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

Money's a bit tight, so my wife said i'd have to stop buying beer...

...then she buys $80 worth of makeup. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't.

She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. I answered well that's what the beer is for.

I don't think she's coming back this time...

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

So, a bear walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..rum and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"

We were changing shifts at the fish sticks factory at the grinder station....

I was at the end of my shift, spattered with oily fish gore, and had my hand in the corkscrew feeder trying to pull a stick bit of bone out. My coworker, in his fresh beginning of shift uniform, reached in to help and his dry cotton sleeve caught and he was pulled in to a gruesome death. As I stood ...

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

A man asked a lawyer what his cheapest service was

"For $100 I answer three questions," the lawyer replied.

"Don't you think that's a bit ridiculous?" the man asked.

"Yes. What's your last question"

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

A very pretty called me a bit of a looker today

Well, “Voyeur” was the term she actually used…

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

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A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

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What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a...

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

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Thor cruises the universe looking for the perfect woman.

He eventually comes to Earth. He spots this amazing-looking woman in a club, so he asks her if she wants a drink.

"Yeth I'd love a drink she replies".

A bit later Thor asks her to dance.

"Yeth, I'd love to dance " she replies.

In the end Thor decides to ask her back to ...

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

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Learned this one when I was 5

The elephant said to the camel: Haha! You have your tits on your back!
Then the camel answered: So what? You have your dick om your face!

(it was hilarious when I was 5, and I still giggle a bit when remembering it)

I still remember what my best friend said before he bit the dust…

“Hey that dust looks pretty tasty.”

And it was. It was from a blue pixy stick.

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I was swimming with my friend when he yelled "A shark bit my foot!"

I asked: "Which one!?"

He answered: "Fuck if I know, sharks look all the same!"

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said good, now take these drinks to table. 7.

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A joke my dad told me

There is this guy who is horny and wants to call a prostitute.
He search online and comes across a special one.
"First in the world, can sing the national anthem while giving you a blowjob !"
So the guys is intrigued, and proceeds to call the lady.
They meet at a hotel and the guy lay...

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

Doctor: I have two bits of bad news for you..

- What are they?
- First, your tests show that you are suffering from Alzheimers
- Ouch! What's the other?
- The tests also show that you've got prostate cancer.
- Well at least I don't have Alzheimers.

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

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A young inexperienced man goes to work on a farm…

…first day the farmer is showing him around the farm and explains his duties and a special job to do today.
“Go out to the chicken coop and get me a male and a female “ says the farmer. The boy goes and brings back two chickens. “I got a chicken and the rooster” says the boy.
The farmer corr...

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A Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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Most people didn’t like the guy who invented doors

They say he was a bit of a knob

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

(This is a bit of a dark joke, I apologize)

A drag queen from TV said this joke ages ago (Darienne Lake) and it’s still one of my favorites.
“I asked my mom why I was so weird, was I dropped on my head as a baby?”
“She said ‘oh honey…you have to be HELD in order to be dropped.’”

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An elderly couple are at the doctor’s office for their annual checkup.

The husband goes in first. After the doctor runs all of his tests, he tells the man that all was well. The man says:

“Thank you doctor, but I won’t be coming around here no more. God will take care of me the rest of the way.”

The doctor looks at the man, a bit puzzled and says: “Ho...

You would think that a snail without shell would move that bit faster?

But it's actually more sluggish...

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A farmer has three beautiful daughters...

and every weekend, they all go out on dates. Every weekend the farmer will stand at the door with a shotgun to assess the date. Well, on one particular Saturday, the farmer was waiting and hears a knock at the door. He opens it up and is greeted by a nice looking man. He goes, "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here ...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

Do you know how annoying it is to drill small holes?

Only a little bit.

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

my gf shouts 'daddy' while we are in bed. Which I think is a bit rude. 'Daddy'?

There's three of us here, not just you and your dad.

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My coworker once wiggled his penis in front of me.

He wasn't fired, but it was a bit of a dick move.

Man: I took my dog to the vet today, because it bit my wife.

Friend : Did you have it put down?

Man: No. Of course not. I had it's teeth sharpened.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It's a little fit bunny.

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

Christmas has been a bit repetitive...

so I got a different type of tree just to spruce it up a bit

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

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Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.

The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.

The first o...

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

I threw the dog a ball the other day

It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!

As a life long devout Christian, and after many struggles in the past 2 years especially I'm so glad my faith in God has not wavered one bit and he has answered every single one of my prayers

They seemed to all be no.

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Putin and two Russian generals are sitting in the Russian presidential aircraft

Putin gets bored and suggests to play a game to kill some time.
They came up with the idea that each of them will throw something out of the plane and later they will go to check what happened on the ground.

The first general pulls a Zippo lighter from his pocket, throws it out the wind...

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a quiet whisper right next to him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he hears, quietly but clearly, "Wow, you've got really great hair!" Confused, the man looks around for a moment and sees nobody else around him and concludes that he must be hearing things.

After sitting drinking his beer and snacking on some nuts at the bar for a wh...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.

The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."
"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.

"Nah," the cowboy replies. "...

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

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I was sitting in my new class one day.

I was sitting in my new class one day, waiting for the period to start, when this really hot girl walked in. She was looking at me throughout the whole period. So after class I decided to walk up to her and ask her for her number.

I was a bit ugly so she looked at me weird, but reluctantly s...

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Premature Ejaculation,,,

A man was having a problem with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
...

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

being shot

flasher in an old people's home.

A flasher goes into an old people's home and goes upto an old lady , pulls his jacket open and shouts "superdick ".
The old lady says "what was that, I can't hear you ".
A little bit louder the flasher again shouts "superdick ".
Again the old lady says "speak up".
Finally the flasher sho...

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

All people are binary

Some are just not aligned with their bits

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Stuart is having a beer at a bar when he feels the sudden urge to shit. He goes to the bathroom sits down on the pot when the guy in the toilet next to him says, "hey," through the dividing wall. A bit apprehensive, Stuart says, "Hello?"

The guys asks, "how's it going" to which Stuart responds, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" The guy now responds in an annoyed tone, "dude let me call you back, the schmuck in the stall next to me thinks we're having a conversation."

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back...

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

I saw a lizard standing on a post on the corner of the street.

It was strange, because it seemed like everyone who walked by it chuckled at least a little bit.

I never bothered to stop and ask, but I’m pretty sure he was a stand-up chameleon.

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

To spice things up a bit in the bedroom, I asked my wife to talk dirty to me.

Telling me how dusty the garage was, and about the mold in the shower, was not what I was hoping for.

I have a joke and I don't know if it translates well in all cultures, so let me break it down into bits.

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Three guys go to a luxury resort for a business siminar

This resort happens to have a very high end golf course so they each bring their clubs in the hopes of getting in a round if they get some free time. As luck would have it midweek the day's activities end at lunchtime. So they grab their clubs and head to the clubhouse to see about getting a tee t...

The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another...

...the Kama Sutra is a bit more specific.

Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.

Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

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