A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Two drill bits meet on the street

- how is going? you look a little dull
- yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff

Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?" 

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." 

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" ...

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu

Did you know that the moon is a bit like New York?

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

I thought the bar I entered might be a bit rough when the doorman asked if I had any weapons on me...

I said I didn't, so he gave me a few to choose.

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

My dad and I were arguing about my driving. He said I was driving too carefully and to speed up a bit, but I was adamant that I would stay at my usual speed.

In the end, I had to put my foot down.

What did the owner of the 7-bit dog say?

"Don't worry, it doesn't byte!"

I've been teaching my kids a bit of German

I've been teaching my kids a bit of German, done simple words and phrases, today we were doing numbers, he did alright for 1 to 8, but every time I asked if he could tell me what was next, he'd say nine, I replied with no in German, he shouts at me nine, after a while, I gave up and decided to try F...

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A couple is running a bit low on cash, so the wife decides to become a prostitute.

The next morning, she announces that she got $101.

"Who gave you one dollar, honey?" the husband asks.

"Sweetie, they all did!"

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

I have an Arabian relative who's a bit of an idiot

Damascus.

The character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit of a letdown in the Harry Potter movies.

In the books, he had so much more development, including an entire deathday party. In the movies though, he was just so badly executed.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

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As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

Earth meets Water, and sees that he’s feeling a bit low, so he asks, “hey Water, why is your head in the sewer?” to which Water responds,

“I dunno, I guess I’m a wee bit drained”

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed coup...

Here's a little bit of advice :

advi

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

I went vegan for a bit

It was a big missed steak.

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

A bit late for Mothers day but still.

In elementary school, all the kids get an assignment to write an essay on the topic "There is only one Mom".

So little Ivica did his one, and the next day, the teacher goes around asking the kids to read out their essays. She asks little Ivica. He goes:

"So yesterday when I got home fr...

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

I asked my bitcoin investing friend...

... can you give me $10.00 worth of bitcoin?
My friend: why do you need $9.53 worth of bitcoin, what will you do with $10.46 worth of bitcoin?

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

I once met a guy named Bien. He was a bit annoying but...

I think he meant well

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My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

The story of Moses is a bit confusing to me...

1. He sees a burning bush.

2. ???

3. Prophet

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

You know, a bit of life advice:

In case anyone ever makes fun of you, make sure you are *always* carrying a knife.

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear...

Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Not going to lie I'm a bit of a racist...

I just refuse to run the 1500, its inferior to the 400m.

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I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

Man: Dr, recently I have become a bit forgetful.

Dr: well. how long have you had this problem?

Man: which problem?

I was a bit chilly and my dad told me to go stand in the corner.

The corner is 90 degrees.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

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What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

All the uproar about Liam Neeson’s racist comments is a bit much

Can’t we let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons...?

I was feeling very lonely one day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

What do you call a place where you eat a lot, spend a lot but didn’t like it one bit and wonder why you went there in the first place?

A food festival.

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

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Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

Where does soup go when it's feeling a bit strained?

A brothel.

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

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We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

Everyone in this town is a bit tad strange.

Except, ironically, for Tad Strange.

He likes bread.

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One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

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She came to me during the night… Licked me, bit me, sucked me, had her fill… Then she left… I was hurt…

Fucking mosquito.

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"

What do you call it when a person eats another person just a little bit?

Cannibbleism

My 2019 is starting off a little bit hazy

But 2020 should clear things up.

I was attacked by wild bunnies who bit me 8 times

Luckily the doctor who helped me only charged me for one byte

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Spiderman (Toby Maguire) wasn't funny a bit.

He was always terrible at delivery.

"When you saw an Asian woman driving, you should have moved a bit away from the road",

Said the doctor to an injured man.

Injured man: "What road? I was napping on a bench in a park"

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

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Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

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An old man goes to the IRS.

An old man goes to the IRS building to settle his debts, on entering an agent mocked the old man for his age. Out of spite, the old man bet the agent $2000 that he could bite his eye.

The agent took him up, and to his surprise the old man laughs and takes out his glass eye, then bites it.
...

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

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A guy and his girlfriend are at a party. After getting a bit drunk, they decide to head back to her parents house.

As they sneak into her bedroom, she whispers, "listen, I still share a room with my sister, but she's an extremely deep sleeper. As long as we don't cause too much commotion and keep the lights off, she'll never know we're here".

The girlfriend takes off her clothes and climbs onto the bed....

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

What do you call Chewbacca after he’s been rolled in chocolate bits?

A chocolate chip Wookiee

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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