UPJOKE
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Bit Jokes

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.

Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring

But it did have a nice arc

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" sa...

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This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

A bird bit me.

Owl.

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

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Little bit of dark humour for you!

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will ...

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

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A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

My Jewish minister bit me..

He gave me rabbis.

I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker.

Voyeur I think is the legal term.

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

Every summer I get bit by exactly one thousand and twenty four bugs

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

best bit about having a baby

The best thing about having a baby is that you can tell them "you suck" for an entire year and be scientifically accurate

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

did anybody see that hilarious Amy schumer bit?

me neither

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I have a little bit of every kink

I’m a jerk-off-all trades

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

The pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician.

After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir.

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

My parrot was looking a bit sick, so I took him to the veterinarian.

The vet told me he had a Canarial disease.


It's called Chirpees.


He told me not to worry too much, as it's tweetable.

The fishing was a bit quiet.

An old timer poured some overproof rum into my bait bucket.

"Get rid of the hook and tie the smallest of those prawns on and cast it out," he said.

Reluctantly, I took his advice. Sure enough, there was an almighty swirl in the water, and I pulled in a huge fish. The prawn was holding ...

A snake bit Chuck Norris

After many hours of excruciating pain, the snake died

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

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After 12 years of marriage my sex life was going through a bit of a rough patch

Then she got a wax

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

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I dated Amber Heard for a bit, but didn't sleep with her

Couldn't make it passed turd base

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

Every Psychic I ever visited was either a bit depressed or way too excitable..

It's really hard to find the happy Medium..

It's opposite day and I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get it out...

Looking a bit depressed - the Boss shouted out at the worker

Forget about the past - you can’t change it
Forget about the future - you can’t predict it

Forget about the present - i didn’t get you one

My wife is just the tiniest bit competitive. Yesterday I was limping a little,

and today she's convinced she has *eleven*donitis.

On a blind date, the girl told me, “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Me: I’m terrible with dates.

Her: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine so far.

Me: Christmas is on July 4th.

Why a cat can't open a door that is a little bit open?

Because it's a jar and cats can't open them either

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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

Christmas has been a bit repetitive...

so I got a different type of tree just to spruce it up a bit

I tried only fans for a bit, but...

My house was still too hot so I ended up getting a new AC system.

Heres a bit of advice:

advi

It's been a bit of a strange day...

First I found a hat full of money... Then I got
chased down the road by an angry man with a
guitar?

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

wee bit perfectionist

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daug...

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Two guys were out hunting; one of them, Ralph, goy bit on the penis by a snake.

While Ralph writhed on the ground, the other guy, Ted, called poison control and asked what to do to save his friend.
The guy on the phone tells Ted that he needs to score the bite and then suck the poison out.
After a few uh-huhs and nods, Ted hangs up the phone and looks at Ralph with big s...

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

Dentist: "This is going to hurt a bit. Ready?"

Me, shutting my eyes, dreading this moment: "Yes, ready."

Dentist: "That will be $700 please."

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

What did the tree yell when it was bit by a dog?

Bark bark bark BARK!

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Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

An Easter Joke (a bit late)

So after Christ rose from the dead he was on a stroll with some of his disciples. One of them said, "Say Jesus, do you mind showing us how you walked on water?"

Jesus said, "Well, these were miracles, not exactly parlor tricks. But you know what, I don't mind."

^^^^Another ^^^^discipl...

A little bit about me: I’m 6’3” with tattoos.

I’m 5’9” without.

Drill Bits-

They're so boring

(This is a bit of a dark joke, I apologize)

A drag queen from TV said this joke ages ago (Darienne Lake) and it’s still one of my favorites.
“I asked my mom why I was so weird, was I dropped on my head as a baby?”
“She said ‘oh honey…you have to be HELD in order to be dropped.’”

Doctor: I have two bits of bad news for you..

- What are they?
- First, your tests show that you are suffering from Alzheimers
- Ouch! What's the other?
- The tests also show that you've got prostate cancer.
- Well at least I don't have Alzheimers.

British weather is a bit like Islam

It's sometimes sunni but it is usually shi'ite!

A very pretty called me a bit of a looker today

Well, “Voyeur” was the term she actually used…

A bit dated, but alright:

''Where does Sarah Palin come from?

''Alaska''.

Would you?

What did Thor say after he bit his tongue?

I'm Thor

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

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Bit of a political

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

A bit concerned...

The boss wondered why an employee was absent but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. *"Hello?"*

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

*"Yes,"* whispered the small voice.

May I talk w...

Two drill bits meet on the street

- how is going? you look a little dull
- yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

You would think that a snail without shell would move that bit faster?

But it's actually more sluggish...

I told my doctor that I was a bit disappointed that my Viagara prescription wasn't working

He said "don't worry mate, just hold your head up and you'll be fine!"

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively.

Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha.

Money's a bit tight, so my wife said i'd have to stop buying beer...

...then she buys $80 worth of makeup. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't.

She says the makeup is so she'll look attractive for me. I answered well that's what the beer is for.

I don't think she's coming back this time...

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Bit of a dad joke but I find it funny

What do plumbers and teachers have in common?


They both gotta deal with little shits all day

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

I still remember what my best friend said before he bit the dust…

“Hey that dust looks pretty tasty.”

And it was. It was from a blue pixy stick.

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

I'm a bit of a Scrooge

But last night I had a visit from three spirits. The were called Jack, Jim and Henry... Made for done wonderful Christmas cheer...

Merry Christmas

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So about a year ago my dog bit my leg

Course back then he had the balls to do it

Basketball hasn’t changed one bit...

WNBA games are still empty.

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

My GPA dropped a bit today...

Apparently I got a C++ in programing class

A little bit about me.

I enjoy subtle jokes, oxford commas and irony.

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

Man: I took my dog to the vet today, because it bit my wife.

Friend : Did you have it put down?

Man: No. Of course not. I had it's teeth sharpened.

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What is a policewoman called who shaves her lady bits?

Cuntstubble I guess

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I'm a bit concerned as I think my wife might actually be dead.

I mean, the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

Just heard this little bit of boomer humour

A priest is giving a sermon in church when suddenly flames leap up from behind the altar and the devil himself rises from below. Terrified all but one of the congregation flee, the devil stares at the last remaining member of the church, a single old man and asks him, ‘are you not afraid mortal?’...

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A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

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I'm a bit cross

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when t...

I've gone back to customer service after two years of working from home and it's been a bit of a shock. The yelling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence.

I'm really struggling to break these habits, any advice?

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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.

There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it. The fish thinks to itself, "...

A bit of corn tries to get into heaven

St Peter asks
"what was your job?"
"I was a Kernel before I got popped" it answers.
"in what army?" st Peter asks
And the corn answers in a husky voice: "the one that stalks maizes and takes ears".

I'm not sorry, just a little corny.

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You've got a donkey, I've got a rooster. Your donkey bit the leg off my rooster...

Now you've got a foot of my cock in your ass.

A bit of advice:

never read a pop-up book about giraffes.

I cut my pizza into 7 bits

I haven't had a byte yet

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[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders...

Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep.

I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

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A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

Life is a little bit like golf.

You want to finish with as few strokes as possible.

Eight bits walk in to a bar...

Eight Bits walk in to a bar.

The bartender asks can i get you anything

The bits respond nah we're just here for a byte.

What Pink Floyd's and Princess Diana's last bit hit?

The Wall.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

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a bit sexist but one of my favorites

At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said "last year we talked about making our husband's do more of the work often considered women's work, let's hear how that went."
First a lady from the USA got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more cleaning...

It's a bit unsympathetic to tell actors to "break a leg"?

I mean... they're already in a cast.

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

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I was having a bit of a dry spell

So I went to a nearby glory hole. Everything started fine.

About ten minutes into it, I heard a man's moaning.

Turns out I was sucking a guy's dick this whole time!

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

A little bit of this a little bit of that

I once knew a little boy who was 3/4 French and 1/4 Polish. You could say he was only a tad Pole.

(I think I came up with this myself)

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Came into a bit of money

Anyone know how to get semen off of dollar bills?

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So I go hunting with a bit of a snobby friend of mine...

On a nice summer day I go hunting with my snobby friend (his first time) on the countryside. Almost 6 hours pass and we haven't seen a single bird before we see this pheasant running out of a cornfield into this grass field. My friend doesn't hesitate and and shoots the bird.
My friend runs up to...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

These Covid travel restrictions are getting a bit much..

.. things are so bad, the US had to organise a coup at home!

"Let's go through it bit by bit"

Said Jack the Ripper

I got bit by a Great Dane

Me: Honey, I just got bit by a Great Dane on my walk

Wife: OMG! Imagine if it had been a small child instead?

Me: I could have fought off a small child

The donor organ was going to be a bit late...

I was going to tell the patient, but I didn't have the heart to.

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