This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Not going to lie I'm a bit of a racist...

I just refuse to run the 1500, its inferior to the 400m.

I was a bit chilly and my dad told me to go stand in the corner.

The corner is 90 degrees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

Everyone in this town is a bit tad strange.

Except, ironically, for Tad Strange.

He likes bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

Man: Dr, recently I have become a bit forgetful.

Dr: well. how long have you had this problem?

Man: which problem?

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

All the uproar about Liam Neeson’s racist comments is a bit much

Can’t we let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons...?

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

Where does soup go when it's feeling a bit strained?

A brothel.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden

"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to

The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"


"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.

a **woman**!

She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

I was looking at the new menu options and feeling a bit adventurous, I thought I’d try something new. “I’ll have the tall blonde flat white, please!”

The man behind the counter looked at me and smiled. “Great choice! Please wait in this room, Courtney will be with you momentarily .”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Ex was was so weird. She would get angry when I told her she had to keep her eyes open and watch me when she blew the candle on her birthday. One year she got so mad at me and did the strangest thing... she bit the candle. She was mildly crazy.

She did other weird things too, like constantly twerking everywhere we went and naming my penis "The Candle".

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

"When you saw an Asian woman driving, you should have moved a bit away from the road",

Said the doctor to an injured man.

Injured man: "What road? I was napping on a bench in a park"

I was attacked by wild bunnies who bit me 8 times

Luckily the doctor who helped me only charged me for one byte

My 2019 is starting off a little bit hazy

But 2020 should clear things up.

Spiderman (Toby Maguire) wasn't funny a bit.

He was always terrible at delivery.

What do you call it when a person eats another person just a little bit?

Cannibbleism

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

She came to me during the night… Licked me, bit me, sucked me, had her fill… Then she left… I was hurt…

Fucking mosquito.

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll

the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

I was a bit nervous when I told my new friend that I wanted to paint her in the nude...

but I guess my biggest mistake was disrobing before she had a chance to agree.

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

My son started calling me by my first name. I said, “That’s a bit presumptuous. Call me Dad.”

He said, “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his girlfriend are at a party. After getting a bit drunk, they decide to head back to her parents house.

As they sneak into her bedroom, she whispers, "listen, I still share a room with my sister, but she's an extremely deep sleeper. As long as we don't cause too much commotion and keep the lights off, she'll never know we're here".

The girlfriend takes off her clothes and climbs onto the bed....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw) A couple experimenting in the bedroom got into a bit of a tangle...

... it was complicated ass fuck

There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.

After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses...

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

I’m in the middle of what you’d call a bit of a dating slump.

I call it adulthood.

I was just about to make a chemistry joke for a bit of karma

but all the good ones argon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last names can tell you a bit about your family’s past.

Like, Carpenter - your family probably made houses/worked with wood. Shoemaker - made shoes.

There must have been a pretty dark day in the history of the Dickensons.

My cocaine dealer is a bit over inquisitive.

He’s always sticking his business in other people’s noses.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" sa...

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

Two doctors were drinking at the bar, when one turned to the other, who seemed a bit down...

"What's wrong, Larry?"

​

"Oh, nothing...I'm just thinking how my whole life is a failure."

​

"A Failure? Come on, man, I wish I could fail so well! You have a great practice, a pretty wife, nice kids... how could you be a failure?"

&#x...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bit to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The ...

In Black Panther, when she said "what are those", I cringed a little bit...

I mean, Wakanda joke is that?

A Bit of French Church Humor (Found on my FB timeline)

Poster found in a Church in France... (translated):

"When you enter this church it may be possible that you hear "the call of God". However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and ...

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I brought the Girlfriend home to meet the kids yesterday, they were a bit standoffish at first

The wife was fucking furious.

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is a bit like parking a car...

Every now and then you have to slip it in a disabled one.

^^^^^sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner

The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying, he has been ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who's thin, has no stamina, and throws up from being worked just a little bit?

My penis.

I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals.

I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.

An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.

When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says "watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies " Nah mate, I got here yesterday."

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

What did the owner say about their 7 bit dog

Don’t worry, he doesn’t byte

I went on a date with a small carp once. Bit of a tease, kept acting shy.

She was a little koi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can still remember playtime at school, A bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

I fucking miss that caretakers job.

Really freaked out for a bit, my computer was giving me personalised Jesus quotes.

Turns out I had it set to depeche mode.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito bytes