This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

A bit late for Mothers day but still.

In elementary school, all the kids get an assignment to write an essay on the topic "There is only one Mom".

So little Ivica did his one, and the next day, the teacher goes around asking the kids to read out their essays. She asks little Ivica. He goes:

"So yesterday when I got home fr...

I went vegan for a bit

It was a big missed steak.

I once met a guy named Bien. He was a bit annoying but...

I think he meant well

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

She crawled into bed with me, sat on top of me, and bit my ear...

It was my cat. She wanted more fucking food.

The story of Moses is a bit confusing to me...

1. He sees a burning bush.

2. ???

3. Prophet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear...

Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

Not going to lie I'm a bit of a racist...

I just refuse to run the 1500, its inferior to the 400m.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Man: Dr, recently I have become a bit forgetful.

Dr: well. how long have you had this problem?

Man: which problem?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

I was a bit chilly and my dad told me to go stand in the corner.

The corner is 90 degrees.

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

What do you call a place where you eat a lot, spend a lot but didn’t like it one bit and wonder why you went there in the first place?

A food festival.

Everyone in this town is a bit tad strange.

Except, ironically, for Tad Strange.

He likes bread.

All the uproar about Liam Neeson’s racist comments is a bit much

Can’t we let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons...?

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

Where does soup go when it's feeling a bit strained?

A brothel.

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden

"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to

The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"


"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.

a **woman**!

She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, ...

A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

He told his doctor, "I have only my shelf to blame"

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

She came to me during the night… Licked me, bit me, sucked me, had her fill… Then she left… I was hurt…

Fucking mosquito.

My 2019 is starting off a little bit hazy

But 2020 should clear things up.

What do you call it when a person eats another person just a little bit?

Cannibbleism

I was attacked by wild bunnies who bit me 8 times

Luckily the doctor who helped me only charged me for one byte

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

"When you saw an Asian woman driving, you should have moved a bit away from the road",

Said the doctor to an injured man.

Injured man: "What road? I was napping on a bench in a park"

Spiderman (Toby Maguire) wasn't funny a bit.

He was always terrible at delivery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll

the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

What do you call Chewbacca after he’s been rolled in chocolate bits?

A chocolate chip Wookiee

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

It is a summer night and a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit...

...A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"


The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."


The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one bei...

The black and the brown cow

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

I was a bit nervous when I told my new friend that I wanted to paint her in the nude...

but I guess my biggest mistake was disrobing before she had a chance to agree.

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his girlfriend are at a party. After getting a bit drunk, they decide to head back to her parents house.

As they sneak into her bedroom, she whispers, "listen, I still share a room with my sister, but she's an extremely deep sleeper. As long as we don't cause too much commotion and keep the lights off, she'll never know we're here".

The girlfriend takes off her clothes and climbs onto the bed....

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

How do you eat a bitcoin?

With a megabyte.

Why do hobbits eat 6 times a day?

Force of hobbit...

There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.

After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

I’m in the middle of what you’d call a bit of a dating slump.

I call it adulthood.

I was just about to make a chemistry joke for a bit of karma

but all the good ones argon.

My cocaine dealer is a bit over inquisitive.

He’s always sticking his business in other people’s noses.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw) A couple experimenting in the bedroom got into a bit of a tangle...

... it was complicated ass fuck

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last names can tell you a bit about your family’s past.

Like, Carpenter - your family probably made houses/worked with wood. Shoemaker - made shoes.

There must have been a pretty dark day in the history of the Dickensons.

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

In Black Panther, when she said "what are those", I cringed a little bit...

I mean, Wakanda joke is that?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bit to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The ...