This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

It's been a bit of a strange day...

First I found a hat full of money... Then I got
chased down the road by an angry man with a
guitar?

A husband was bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection

A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to anot...

I'm a bit like a mouse - women who see me are often repulsed.

They also find me secretly living in their home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

Here is a bit of advice for all of you.

advi

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.

“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a doctor was visited by a certain man, "What's the problem?" he asked. The man hesitated for a bit, before explaining his situation. "I feel insecure about the incredibly small size of my penis."

The doctor was shocked at first but told the man that it could be possible to solve his issue through an uncommon type of transplant. Without even taking the time to think thoroughly, the man agreed to it.

The surgery was performed without any issues and his penis was replaced with an elephan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you see a friend coming out of the bathroom in bar with a bit wet t-shirt, its like drinking americans beer.

You never can be sure if its piss or water.

During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer

I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten

One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

Doctor: You’re going to feel a bit of pressure. Ready?

Me: Yes.
Doctor: Your sister is younger but already has a good career and owns her own home.

"Tell me a bit about your birthplace," said the job interview.

I said, "It was bloody and the lights were blinding."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

'K guys this one seems a bit fishy to mee

So, there's a fisher, who's catching fish in an area where fishing is prohibited. There even is a sign nearby that states that. Anyway, while he is fishing with his rod, a policeman comes by. He approaches the fisher: “Sir, excuse me but aren't you able to read? Can't you see the sign over there tha...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

Two drill bits meet on the street

- how is going? you look a little dull
- yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff

Zack Snyder's DCEU movies resemble emo teens a little bit too much.

Dark, devoid of fun, sometimes cringy and cuts everywhere.

Sometimes they even cut something very important.

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a little bit of every kink.

I'm a jerk-of-all trades.

I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

I thought the bar I entered might be a bit rough when the doorman asked if I had any weapons on me...

I said I didn't, so he gave me a few to choose.

Turns out my wife has a bit of a green thumb

And I need to go to the hospital

What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu

The character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit of a letdown in the Harry Potter movies.

In the books, he had so much more development, including an entire deathday party. In the movies though, he was just so badly executed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

What did the owner of the 7-bit dog say?

"Don't worry, it doesn't byte!"

My dad and I were arguing about my driving. He said I was driving too carefully and to speed up a bit, but I was adamant that I would stay at my usual speed.

In the end, I had to put my foot down.

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

I've been teaching my kids a bit of German

I've been teaching my kids a bit of German, done simple words and phrases, today we were doing numbers, he did alright for 1 to 8, but every time I asked if he could tell me what was next, he'd say nine, I replied with no in German, he shouts at me nine, after a while, I gave up and decided to try F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is running a bit low on cash, so the wife decides to become a prostitute.

The next morning, she announces that she got $101.

"Who gave you one dollar, honey?" the husband asks.

"Sweetie, they all did!"

I have an Arabian relative who's a bit of an idiot

Damascus.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

When I die, I want my remains sprinkled around Disney World, maybe a little bit in "Space Mountain", a bit in "It's a Small World."

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

I once met a guy named Bien. He was a bit annoying but...

I think he meant well

Earth meets Water, and sees that he’s feeling a bit low, so he asks, “hey Water, why is your head in the sewer?” to which Water responds,

“I dunno, I guess I’m a wee bit drained”

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

I went vegan for a bit

It was a big missed steak.

A Catholic Mexican couple decide to mix it up a bit.

They'd been engaged for a year and instead of getting married in their village they decided to have a spontaneous marriage in Las Vegas. So they flew there one night, found a cute little chapel and said their vows. As they were leaving a man walks up to them. He said "we like to offer newly wed coup...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

A bit late for Mothers day but still.

In elementary school, all the kids get an assignment to write an essay on the topic "There is only one Mom".

So little Ivica did his one, and the next day, the teacher goes around asking the kids to read out their essays. She asks little Ivica. He goes:

"So yesterday when I got home fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

You know, a bit of life advice:

In case anyone ever makes fun of you, make sure you are *always* carrying a knife.

The story of Moses is a bit confusing to me...

1. He sees a burning bush.

2. ???

3. Prophet

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

What did the mosquito who plays Nintendo say when he bit you?

It's a me, Malario!

Man: Dr, recently I have become a bit forgetful.

Dr: well. how long have you had this problem?

Man: which problem?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

I was a bit chilly and my dad told me to go stand in the corner.

The corner is 90 degrees.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

Not going to lie I'm a bit of a racist...

I just refuse to run the 1500, its inferior to the 400m.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

I asked my bitcoin investing friend...

... can you give me $10.00 worth of bitcoin?
My friend: why do you need $9.53 worth of bitcoin, what will you do with $10.46 worth of bitcoin?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

All the uproar about Liam Neeson’s racist comments is a bit much

Can’t we let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons...?

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

Everyone in this town is a bit tad strange.

Except, ironically, for Tad Strange.

He likes bread.

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

I was feeling very lonely one day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

Where does soup go when it's feeling a bit strained?

A brothel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She came to me during the night… Licked me, bit me, sucked me, had her fill… Then she left… I was hurt…

Fucking mosquito.

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s one my grandpa used to tell my mom and my mom used to tell us. (I’ve taken some artistic liberties to modernize it a bit.)

A man was driving down a country road when one of his tires went flat. He went to look for his tools and saw that part of his set was missing. He had a full spare and jack but his tire iron was missing for some reason. The man looked off in the distance and spied a farmhouse in the distance. With no...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

What do you call it when a person eats another person just a little bit?

Cannibbleism

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.