A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . .

I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

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A German, Japanese and Italian soldier are captured by the British during WW2 and are detained in a POW camp

First they interrogate the German. He gave up the information they needed somewhat easily, just after a few minutes of torture. He returned to the other prisoners feeling ashamed and disheartened.

Next was the Japanese soldier. He was more resilient than the German, it took the Brits several ...

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A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

The Coronavirus is somewhat like The Diary of Anne Frank...

... but she had to stay inside to avoid Germans.

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so ...

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

I think it’s safe to say Jeff Epstein’s last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet.

I just have trouble changing the polarity.

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Three men all passed away on Christmas Eve.

. Upon arrival at the pearly gates Saint Peter was feeling Joyous.

He asked each of them if they could produce something of the season he would grant them quick admission

The first fellow thought for a moment, pulled out a set of keys from his pocket, showed them To St. Peter, and repl...

Businessman, proposition, and a beautiful chorus girl..

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of the well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for S500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things had transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him but would h...

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A little old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”

The little lady, holdi...

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

A man and a woman were out on a first date together

Everything is going great and they are getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman comments on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thinks quickly and r...

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You know,my life is somewhat similar to Simba

The uncles fucked up our childhood

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears. Being somewhat exhausted, the Czech said, "*I'm tired. Why don't you two go hunting? I'll stay here and make up camp for the night.*"

The Frenchman and the Irishman continue hunting ...

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischi...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

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Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her...

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

The age gap in my relationship is somewhat questionable.

According to the police.

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

A married couple goes to the doctor

After a long examination and various tests done on the wife, the doctor comes to the husband and says:

"I'm sorry to say this, but... doesn't look very good"

A husband, somewhat shocked, replies:

"I know doctor...

but she cooks well and she's great with children."

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A woman went to her psychologist

.... because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychologist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did last time,” she...

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

A man gets a new job as manager of an office and decides to go to each employees house for dinner to get to know them.

First he goes to his assistant Joe’s house. He sits down for dinner and notices that the plates don’t quite look clean. He says “Joe are you sure these plates have been washed?”
Joe answers somewhat offended “they are as clean as soap and water can get them”
So the man decides to let it go and...

Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who.

hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive)

and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says "let's screw him" to which the Rabbi replies "out of what?"

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

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A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by...

He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?"
Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees.

The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen....

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There’s a diminutive, mousy-looking elderly man in a pub, quietly staring into his glass.

He has sad, sad eyes and a generally upset demeanor.

The door of the pub is slammed open and a lorry driver charges in. He roars up to the bar counter, orders four pints of the strongest beer the bartender has, and drops heavily down upon one of the bar stools.

As he drains his beers, ...

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What does a black man do after sex? (somewhat racist)

15 to Life!

A Compilation of Awful, Somewhat Nerdy Jokes

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"To."

"To who?"

"To whom*."
___________________________________________________________
What do they do to tickle me elmo before he leaves the factory?

Give him two test tickles!
_______________________________________________...

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

What is you’re best taco/ Mexican food pun?

Hey reddit! So currently I work at Taco Bell taking orders in the drive thru. With covid-19 all going around, a lot of people have been more down compared to before. So I’ve been trying to make their days somewhat better. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: “hi welcome to Taco Bell, how ...

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

A somewhat amusing joke

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had LOCOmotives

A duck walks into a grocery store...

The duck says to the cashier, "Excuse me sir, do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we don't carry duct tape."

The duck leaves, comes back a little later, approaches the same cashier and asks, "Do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier replies, "Are you deaf? N...

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

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One of my all time favourites.... makes me laugh every single time.

Mr. Sullivan, the most arrogant man who could do no wrong, was on top of Mrs Sullivan, trying his best to please her. His butler was holding a dim lit lantern as the lights were out and the Sullivan's didn't like the darkness.

Somewhat tired, he asked mrs Sullivan "How good was it?"

"...

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Blonde Brunette and Black

A man is walking in London, when it suddenly starts raining so he takes shelter in a peek-a-boo sex shop and pays $50 to get in. He’s then confronted by 3 doors.

They read “Blonde”, “Brunette” and “Black”. He chooses “Blonde”, only to be confronted by 3 more doors reading “Small Tits”, “Mediu...

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

8 letter word for the somewhat-outdated practice by male prisoners of giving their female co-criminals first pick at the bootleg weapons?

Shivalry.

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

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A couple was having sex...

So this couple was having sex when all of a sudden the woman starts complaining that after the third time in a row, her vagina has become too sensitive and that she couldn't go on anymore.
Eager to continue and pragmatic as he is, the man immediately and with excitement suggests:

"Let's tr...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

My daughter tells everyone how proud she is of her two dads

My wife and I are somewhat less excited about our cross-eyes daughter.

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A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital

sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noise, "VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM....SCREEEECH...." he's going.

'What are you doing?' asks the doctor.
'I'm taking this juggernaut down to ...

A man is dispatched by the UN to investigate the quality of the democracy in China.

Upon arrival, he has a meeting with the chinese president. He asks the president:

Do you have elections?

The president seems somewhat uncomfortable but answers:

Evely molning

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

A Jewish woman, Mrs. Babs Goldstein, has a problem with kleptomania.

She is brought before the court for stealing. The magistrate asks her, "So, what did you steal, Mrs. Goldstein?"

"Oh your honor... it was *just* a can of peaches."

"*Just* a can of peaches, you say," says the magistrate, somewhat perturbed. "Hmmm.... How many peaches would you guess we...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

Need some help creating fake certifications

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.

My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's ...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

Politics joke

Politics are like inlaws..

You somewhat have to pay attention to them to stay in the know and you usually can't stand at least one of the candidates.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

Damn Dirty Hippie

I live near a small store way out in the country close to a hippie commune. They're good people for the most part, although a bit smelly sometimes.

I was in there one day and a long-haired, scraggly looking fellow came in. He had a ten-dollar bill in one hand and was naked as the day he was b...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

Wife gets home, completely breathless

Husband asks what's wrong. To which she says "I saved 3 euros because I missed the bus and ran after it till I got home." The husband somewhat confused says "you could've saved 40 euros if you ran after a taxi."

Have a good night everyone.

A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

The other man empties the glass i...

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung h...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The h...

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

3 men enter the gates of heaven

They are met by Saint Peter who explains in heaven they are given a vehicle. The quality is based on how faithful a partner they've been.
The first man receives a brand new Ferrari. He jumps in and takes off.
The second man receives a recent model Toyota Camry, somewhat satisfied he jumps in a...

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

After a decades long career, the parking guy suddenly disappears. A worried customer goes to inquire.

"What happened to the guy at the entrance who collected all the parking fees and even told us where free spots are? Did he retire?"
The employee is somewhat confused.
"Sir, parking has been free ever since we opened."

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

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A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"

The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent...

Fun history fact...

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using the length of a sheep’s intestines.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first....

A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident.

They find themselves meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he’s about to let them in to Heaven. Before they go in, the woman says “St. Peter, we were planning to get married in a few months, is there any way we can get married in Heaven, so we can spend the rest of eternity together?”

“H...

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