Else Jokes - 112 Hilarious Else Jokes

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

I called Shotgun long before everyone else, but still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

A beer bottle, a mirror, and ... something else.

The beer bottle is bragging "If you break me, you get a whole year of bad luck!"

"That's pathetic." says the mirror. "If you break me, you get seven whole years of bad luck!"

A condom looks at the beer bottle and the mirror. At first he says nothing. Then he begins to snicker. Then he...

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn?

Or is it just me?

Never blame someone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, ...

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

No one else in the class knew what the people of Greenland are called.

But Inuit

Does anyone else

like making haikus for fun?

Asking for a friend

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

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A man will fantasize that he’s having sex with someone else;

a woman will fantasize she’s having sex with anyone else.

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

I don’t have a lot of empathy or sympathy for anyone else.

Not sure how I feel about that.

What else can you call a milk dud

A udder failure

Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.

"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else,

**I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**

Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it’s always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

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What’s your because no one else was there no one will believe it story?

For me it’s when I lost my virginity.

In the end I went to the port along with everyone else.

I gave in to pier pressure.

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

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My friend told m this idk if it’s from someone else

So a pregnant lady with triplets is at a bank … and it starts getting robbed, the bank robber shoots her three times in the stomach. The doctors miraculously save each baby.

about 16 years pass and each shield is old and healthy, one girl and two boys.

The girl say...

What do you call someone who's on top of everything when it comes to news, technology, video games, nsfw, and everything else?

an Apex redditor

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

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Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

Does anyone else feel strange looking into a mirror?

Maybe it’s just me.

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

I found someone else's ID on the floor last week.

Oh well, new year, new me!

Just A Funny Nothing else

What’s a video game title you can also call an anti-vax
Kid?

Half-Life

Did anyone else know September is deaf awareness month?

I’d never heard of it.

My monthly delivery of Katie Perry's eggs turned out to just be something else again

I guess it's never really ova...

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

Who else thinks it's time we called Sesame Street out for what it really is?

Show of hands

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What else can you call a knee-slapper?

Some fun knee shit.

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

Don't let anyone else ruin your day.

It's YOUR day.

Ruin it yourself.

Anyone else watch the documentary on the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge?

It was riveting

Who else would like to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?

Let's see a show of hands.

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Has anyone else noticed that the symbol "&"...

...looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

Who else hates labels?

If you do, consider joining our group. We call ourselves antilabelists.

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

Has anyone else noticed that “strap on”

Is “No parts” backwards. How ironic

Has anyone else tried blindfolded archery?

Honestly, you don't know what you're missing.

What do you call it when a hillbilly dies and comes back as something else?

Reintarnation

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

What do you call reusing someone else’s dad joke?

Puns of steal.

Anyone else experiencing bad weather?

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern tip of Connecticut. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but...

The doctor told my Italian grandma that she needed to cut down on the pasta or else she'd die within ten years

So, she shot the guy and the judge gave her 20.

Does anyone else think Moles are underated?

Not a lot of people know about them. They're pretty underground.

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

I love my wife but I've been seeing someone else...

...leaving through the back door as I get home every day.

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

You can’t blame anyone else for falling in your driveway

That’s your own asphalt.

For my sixth cake day I was going to just repost someone elses cake day joke.

But then I thought to myself...

Nah, I'm batter than that!

What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else?

Trump supporters vote

How else can you view 50 Shades of Gray?

As a gradient

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My wife says she can't imagine getting intimate with anyone else.

That's how much I have put her off sex.

I mean what else do you expect...

...when your store name is Target

(Multiple Punchlines) One Should Never Make Fun of Someone Else's Bow.

1. They might not think it's friendly ribbon.
2. You should have the presents of mind to be polite
3. If they have an arrow, they might shoot you with it.
4. They might get angry and resort to violins.
5. In that situation, it's best to be curt, see?
6. Just say the bow wowed you.
...

Has anyone else ever tried cocaine?

I haven't, I just like like the way it smells.

How did Igor find out that he was different than everybody else?

He always had a hunch.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

I had a stone that I thought was something else, but a geologist friend told me it was gneiss.

I'm afraid i took it for granite.

If there's one thing I'm better at than everyone else...

It's humility.

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Who gets married faster than anyone else?

Two horny christians.

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

I put my pants on the same way as everybody else

Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

A boy with nothing else but a head

A boy was born as only a head. No other parts of his body. Somehow, the head didn’t need the rest of his body to live, a medical mystery.

10 years has gone by, every afternoon, the boy’s mother has set his head to look through the window and watch his schoolmates play baseball. One night, the...

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76 years ago today, Adolf Hitler did what no one else was able to do

He killed Hitler.

Is there someone else?

I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’

-- Rodney Dangerfield

Be yourself, because no one else can!

Except identity thieves. They can be you too.

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

Who else hates going to the bathroom

It’s just a *waste* of time

My blind wife told me she’s seeing someone else.

That’s either really good news or really, really bad news.

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A hunter shot a deer which ran into someone else's farmyard.

The hunter went to retrieve his deer but the farmer said it was his because it was on his property. They argued about it. The farmer finally says: “You’re obviously a city feller, but this isn’t the city. Let’s settle this farm style. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us ...

I've been told I can eat more pastries than anyone else.

Well, if the choux fits...

This might not be original, but it’s original to me, so sorry if someone else has told this….

Guy 1: How many long billed, tropical birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 2: I don’t know, how many long billed, tropical birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Guy 1: Ehhh…. Two Can

Teacher: How else do you call a G flat?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Ges.

Student: I just said I don't know!

If you can say nothing else about Jeff Goldblum, you can say this.....

He's pretty fly for a white guy.

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

If you are sleeping on a bottom bunk, and someone else is sleeping on the top bunk

then you are under a rest

Anyone else wear glasses and is excited for next year?

I am! It's the first time we will see 2020.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

immigrants are often doing work, which no one else wants to do

for example Melania Trump

Why do professional bowlers receive more kisses than anyone else?

Because they've got the most Xs by their name.

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Im anti-Vaxx and im confused on why everyone else is not...

Vaccines are the leading cause in adult-Hood, and those little fuckers are annoying.

my mom's (first language is not English) has called Joe everything else but Biden

Binder, Barner, Beener, Bruner, Bender.
And bonus, Donald Drum.

Why do Americans spell it as "color", when it is spelt "colour" everywhere else?

Because the Americans don't care about "U".

Whatever else he's done, Trump is serious about creating jobs.

The White House is always hiring.

Vomiting in someone else’s house is pretty impolite, but projectile-vomiting in their house...

...is really beyond the pail.

Until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes

You can't call yourself a shoe-thief

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
...

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