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Sober Up Jokes

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.  

"I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping.  What's the problem, doc?"

The doctor thoroughly examined the drunk and remarked, "I can't find anything wrong with you.  It must be the drinking." ...

"I'm not serving you," said the bartender. "Too drunk."

"Sober up then you idiot," I slurred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...

A man is sitting at the bar...

...and he hears the bartender give the last call. He thinks to himself, this would be an appropriate time to stand up and start making his way home.

He goes to stand up and falls flat on his face.

"That's strange. I can't have possibly had that much to drink." He attempts to stand up a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk looks at his watch...

A man, who has fattened the coffers of the local pub this night, looks at his watch and says, "Well, it's about time I go home, and spend some quality time with the wife."

He gets out of his chair, and can't even take two steps without falling on his face. "Don't worry!" he yells, "I can jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish Pub

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender comes around are starts telling everyone the bar is closing, so the Irish man gets up and falls straight on the floor. He lifts himself back up on the chair and asks the bartender for a glass of water. He takes a few sips and tries to ...

What happens if you play a country song backward?

You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

The DD

A young cop goes to the outskirts of town to a honky tonk planning on getting a few easy tickets or DUIs for the night.
As the bar starts closing down he sees many patrons coming out but one of the last guys out looks to be the drunkest.
The guy is stumbling all over the place and falling ...

My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas joke! (A little late I know)

Three men die on Christmas Day. They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter just feels awful. He says "Alright guys I hate you died on Christmas Day, so to make up for it, I'll let you right in if you have anything on you that has any Christmas symbolism." So the first man checks his pockets and pull...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man tells his wife he's going for a walk

but as he's walking around town he finds himself at his favorite bar taking a seat in front of the bartender.
"shot of Salior please", the man requests.
the bartender pours him the shot and takes a 20 from the man.
the man downs the shot and orders another.
time passes by, more shots are...

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