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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

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A prostitute is taking some night classes and struggling with the math.

One day, it clicks. She says, "I give like 5 blowjobs a day. That's like 35 blowjobs a week!" The teacher is so proud, "Now you're thinking with your head!"

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"

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I tried taking my dog Jack out to use the bathroom the other night, but it was so dark

I couldn't see Jack shit

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

Met a dyslexic woman last night in a club ending up taking her home.

She ended up cooking my sock.

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What do you call a priest taking a shit?

A religious movement

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

I was alone at home taking a bath... When all of a sudden...

I felt the tap on my shoulder

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

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A man is taking a rohrschach test...

The doctor shows him an inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a huge pair of breasts".

The doctor shows him another inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a big thick cock".

The doctor shows him another inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a man fucking a woman in the as...

Wife taking a trip

Man 1: “So my wife is taking a trip to the West Indies”

Man 2: oh that sounds lovely. Jamaica?”

Man 1: “no she went of her own accord”

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

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A bear is taking a shit in the woods

when a rabbit comes by. The bear says, "Hey, Rabbit, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Mr. Bear.", answers the rabbit.

"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

"No, Mr. Bear, not at all."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

The president announced that Oklahoma was taking over the United States.

He said, "Don't worry, the US will be OK."

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

I was taking a break at work when I got a weird text from my wife...

"HoneyIcan'tusethespacebaronmyphoneandnowallmytextslooklikethis!Pleasegivemeanalternative!"

I rushed home as fast as I could, but what's a ternative?

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

I'm taking a class on how to make a banana split.

It's called sundae school.

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Found out my grandpa is taking viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

A farmer was taking a nap under grains and was arrested for perjury

For lying under oats

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Two nuns are taking a bath in the convent, when a man knocks on the door and says, "Blind man."

The nuns are rather startled at the intrusion. One regains her composure and says to the other, "Well I suppose we can let him in, he can't see anything. He may be in need of some immediate assistance."

The other nods in agreement, and then says "Come in."


A man in workman's covera...

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat beside another guy.

“What are you drinking?”, he asked.

“Magic beer”, said the second man.

“Oh yeah?”, says the first guy. “What’s so magical about it?”.

“I’ll show you”, says the second guy, who takes a swig, dives off the roof, flies around, and returns his seat.

“Amazing!”, says the first...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

What is the best thing about taking a homeless person on a date?

you can drop them off anywhere.

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

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If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

I really wish people would start taking Covid more seriously...

I don't wanna have to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

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A young priest was taking his first confession...

An older priest was monitoring the confession and after it was over he said, "My son, can you say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk"?

The young priest was a little confused. "Yes, I can say, 'tsk, tsk, tsk'. Why do you ask, Father?"

The older priest replied, "Because, 'tsk, tsk, tsk' is infinitely bette...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Is this allowed here?

Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”

Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”

my grandpa was taking his dog to the vet.

Vet told him the dog was getting old. Then when asked how he felt about euthanasia my grandma simply replied “hard working bunch there”

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