Taking Jokes - 25 Hilarious Taking Jokes

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Im taking for my sunburn.

It doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off of my legs

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My young son saw me taking and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for people and taking their money?

Politician.

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised.

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, me, I might win this

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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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