Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...

Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

This girl asked me If I won a million what will I do with it? I told her: I'm gonna give it to you. She seemed happy and hugged me

the poor thing thought I'm talking about the million.

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I met this really nice girl that seemed to like me a lot, but I just couldn´t get sexually atracted to her.

I told her: "No hard feelings".

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Advertisement aren't always what they seemed.

I was a single obese man watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.

So I thought, what the hell and signed up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at my door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about h...

The sperm found the lost lonely egg and the egg seemed worried

The sperm said "don't worry because zygote you now"

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I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

I gave my crush a glass of lemonade yesterday, and she seemed to instantly fall in love with me.

I think I schwepped her right off her feet.

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today.

I guess he was still on the fence.

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A woman was sitting at a bar when she noticed a man sitting across from her who seemed to be staring.

After a while, the bartender says to her, "The man across the bar wants to know what it'll take to get in your pants tonight. The woman slyly responds, "Tell him he has to have a six figure salary, at least 2 vacation homes, and a 10 inch dick." The bartender walks over to the man and begins to tell...

My wife seemed full of herself when she got back from the party..

..turns out she was actually full of someone else.

My wife and I went out for a leisurely drive to see the autumn leaves, when we noticed that one of the tires seemed to be getting low…

She was a bit taken aback when I asked her for some change and asked, "Why in the world did they start charging for AIR?!"

I looked at her and winked, "Inflation."

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Heard my neighbours shagging last night for what seemed like ages last night...

all the moaning, groaning and banging on the headboard seemed to go on for ages!

Turns out my elderly neighbour had fallen and was banging on the wall for help.

Feel a bit guilty about the wank now

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I told my doctor that my testicles seemed asymmetrical

He said there was a vas deferens between the two.

I seemed to have lost all my vegetable puns

I hope they turnip somewhere

My bucket of water seemed nervous.

It was looking pail.

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My date seemed really excited when I said I had a horse's cock.

For some reason she seemed disgusted when I took it out of the fridge.

My roommate seemed like he was in denial when I told him I spilled all his protein powder...

...he just kept saying "no whey, no whey"

My neighbours 4 year old told me, what was suppose to be a joke about 25 years ago, I've never forgot as it just seemed so weird at the time.

'What did one sheep say to another sheep?'
'Am I a free man.'

Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive.

That's the last time I use that towing company.

Two doctors were drinking at the bar, when one turned to the other, who seemed a bit down...

"What's wrong, Larry?"



"Oh, nothing...I'm just thinking how my whole life is a failure."



"A Failure? Come on, man, I wish I could fail so well! You have a great practice, a pretty wife, nice kids... how could you be a failure?"



"All my life I studied....

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I returned it. Now where to spend my $608?

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

A cowboy rode into town; at first, the streets seemed deserted, but moments later he saw a large crowd...

...It looked like the entire town was milling about the town square. A shopkeeper was nearby, one of only a few people who weren't in the square.

"What's goin' on?", queried the cowboy. The shopkeeper replied, "Today they're hangin' Brown Paper Bill."

"That's an unusual name," said the...

My friend and I went to a guitar clinic recently. He really seemed to be into it.

I guess it struck a chord with him.

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.

That seemed like a good way to break the ice.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

I got fired from the bank

I don’t know why, the people seemed to love me.

Everybody that spoke to me gave me a tip!

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The  earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.   He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

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Little Johnny and his parents

Little Johnny walked in on his parents having sex one night.

The next day, he asked his father, "What were you and mommy doing last night?"

The dad, in a quick flight of panic, proclaimed the first thing that came to mind.

"Oh son you see, me and mommy, we were just uh, making a...

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

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What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.

-

And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just ...

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

The traveling ventriloquist.

So this ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer b...

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True story

Last Friday I met at party one girl and it seemed she likes me. First time somebody likes me. We go out for fresh air and she asked me If I want to buy insurence...... FML, Im Virgin forever

Why did the Chicken Cross The road?

The chicken lived on one side of the street since chickhood. Curious what was on the other side of the street, he attempted many times but his mother hen would always scold him. He finally stopped trying to see what was over after he went to chicken school. He maid friends and grew a big reputation ...

Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet ...

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I recall my first time using a condom...

I was about 16 or so and went in a pharmacy to buy a packet of condoms. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter who handed me the package. She asked me if I ever worn one and I said “no this is my first time”.

So she unwrapped the package and slid one condom over her thumb, prec...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

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Trial for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling uncomfortable due to her condition.

She changed her seat and the man seemed more amused.

She moved again and the man laughed even more!

She f...

I broke my arm...

and I just started laughing, it just seemed humerus at the time

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

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Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?

No matter what, they always seemed a bit "short handed".

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of ot...

A man builds a church with a bell tower.

A man builds a church with a bell tower. The bell tower has a hole on the top floor where the man would ring the bell that was forgotten to be patched up.After the construction, he hired a person to ring the bell to inform people when the mass is about to start.

A guy comes in and sees the l...

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a...

I'm glad too!

A woman was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking man, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the man replied, "...

A car mechanic had noticed something peculiar about the vehicles he was servicing.

It seemed to him that the German cars his customers brought in had more pronounced undersides than non-German ones. Audis were the worst offenders, and he was getting annoyed at how often he would have to work on cars that had less space for him to work between them and the ground.

One day, h...

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

Here's some Lame Game Dev Humour:

So, I used to work at a studio - doesn't really matter where - and there was this one guy who'd always be around. Just around. I didn't want to seem impolite so I never asked what he did. I kept my head down and did my thing, you know. I mostly forgot about him, except for when I'd be working late a...

[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

If I could time travel

I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never ev...

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

A Destructive Relationship Ended

```

A friend once introduced us
I hardly even knew

The ties that seemed to bind us
Imperceptively grew

Eventually my body ached
I could only think your name

At 3am I lied awake
Longing for a change

You pulled me from
the ones I love
To...

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

The other day when I was in my room playing games and watching livestreams, I remembered that it was my mom's birthday and I had totally forgotten to buy a gift for her.

I needed to find something fast and thought that maybe a sweet video would make her happy. Instead of recording myself for the video, I donated 5$ to the streamer and asked if she could count to 50. A moment later she gets the donation and starts counting slowly. I record the section and export the ...

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had bee...

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This morning I woke up with a terrible case of bed head.

She seemed much better at giving blowjobs the night before.

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up.
“After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.”
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
“This is your thirty-second birthday...”

Will you marry me?

I guess I don't really get it, but she seemed to find it hilarious.

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

Just heard this variation on an oldie!

A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the...

A dog breeder has a very defensive Golden Retriever

There was a period of time where she caused all the mailmen to just pass his house because of the dog. All but one mailman. The dog never attacked, but rather happily trotted up to him and asked to be pet. Eventually the breeder sees the mailman speaking to the dog, and the dog seemed to respond! Af...

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A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant..

the young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.


Sir, she said, I...

A student recognized his teacher.

A student recognized his old teacher from across the restaurant. But when he approached her, she seemed shorter than he remembered.

"Hello Mrs. Brown, I think I've figured out why you look shorter than I remember you being," said the student.

"I'm not Mrs. Brown," replied the woman....

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

There was a man who really liked tractors.

One day he discovered a tractor convention in his morning paper and was very excited, so he bought his ticket instantly.

months later the day of the convention had finally arrived and he was extremely excited, he drove into the city early and planned to spend the whole day there.

when ...

Sidewalks need to be fixed!

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would...

A man was getting a tan on a nudist beach when a young girl walks towards him...

Because he found it indecent to be fully nude in front of the little girl, he covered his groin with his hat.
"What's underneath that hat?" the girl asked. "Nothing special, just a little birdy" the man replied.

The girl insisted on seeing the birdy, and the man told her no, so she walk...

What's a sharks least favourite name?

Ned
___

So I have my Alexa set up to tell me joke when I say goodnight, last night it told me that joke...and I can't work it out?! I have searched for it online, and other people have searched for it but no one has seemed to find out what it means.

Am I being stupid and missing som...

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Voodoo Penis

A New Orleans businessman was getting ready for a long business trip, so he thought he would get his horny wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop in the French Quarters and explained his situation. The salesman said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep ...

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a pict...

Is Ronald Reagan Ozai from Avatar?

Cause he seemed to have fired the air-controllers.

I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.

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