If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I as...

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Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

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A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking with his friends at a bar

A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking at a bar with Hirohito, Mussolini, and Fransisco Franco.

The man hears Hitler brag about killing millions of Jews and sixteen spotted owls.

The man goes up to the table and asks, "Why in the hell would you kill sixteen spotted owls?"
...

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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"

The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the she...

What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.

My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

What's great about water is that you can drink it at work...

Now what's great about vodka is that it looks just like water.

What does a vampire drink when depressed?

B positive!

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

Why do North Koreans only sell one size of drink?

Because they have a Supreme Liter.

Why do Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

Google: turns 21.. google can drink..

But don't let google drive

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What’s Hitler’s least favorite drink?

Juice

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?

Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure y...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for.

The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"

The m...

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A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

A cloud floated into the bar for a drink

The bartender said “I’m sorry, but your thunder-aged”

What kind of coffee do you drink when you're sad?

Depresso

What do you call a scientist who sometimes drinks, and sometimes doesn’t?

Schröedrinker

#299: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis get together at a bar and have drinks.

After catching up, Stallone says, "I think we should make a movie with all of us."

Bruce Willis says, "That's a great idea, but I'm tired of action movies. How about we make a movie about classical composers?"

Stallone says, "I like that idea, Bruce. I can be Mozart and you can be Beet...

A socialist, a nihilist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

Two chemists walk into a bar. the first one says, “I would like some H2O.” And the bartender gives him his drink. Then the second chemist said “I would like H2O too.”

He died shortly after...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either.

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

Why did the hipster drink warm beer?

He liked it before it was cool.

A girl and boy are at a party. The girl asks for a drink. The boy promptly gets her one and she says “Wow, that was fast.”

He responds “There was no punchline.”

What do ghosts drink at Halloween parties?

BoOoOoZe!

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

What's Michael Jackson's favorite drink?

Tee-hee!

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

A male potato chip steps up to the bar and buys a drink.

He sees two female potato chips sitting nearby. He says to the one female potato chip, "Excuse me. Are you Herr's or Frito Lay?"

Just letting you guys know you shouldn’t drink and drive

You might spill your drink

Little Billy used to drink, But he shall drink no more.

For what he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

There are 2 reasons why you shouldn't drink toilet water.

Number 1

and

Number 2

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

Why couldn’t Bach join Mozart, Gershwin, and Liszt for drinks?

He was Baroque.

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Pavlov is drinking at a bar...

Pavlov is drinking at a bar when suddenly the phone rings. "Oh shit," he exclaims, "I forgot to feed the dogs!"

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

My friend HP was mad at me for drinking an IPA,

It turns out he does not lovecraft beer.

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A man walks into a bar, orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says "Hey, buddy, are you okay?"

The man says "No, honestly, I'm not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and... I caught her in bed with another man."

The bartender says "Oh, man, that's awful! What are you going to do?"

The man: "I'm gonna drink myself to death. I just...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.

All of a sudden he hears a voice say, "Nice suit."

He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses.

A little while later the same voice says, "Nice tie."

The guy looks a...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

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What drink did the alligator drink after sex?

Gatoraids.

What's a ghost pirate's favorite drink?

Boo tea

What is a horse's favourite drink?

Chardonnay!

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable drinks has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide...

Their "Melon-Cauli" smoothie has now been withdrawn...

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

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Got pulled over for drink driving and had to give a urine sample.

But clever me drank it before it could be analysed.

Now I'm getting charged with taking the piss:

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

Where do crows go to drink?

The crowbar.

Don’t drink beer while solving Calculus homework

You shouldn’t drink and derive

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

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Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that th...

I don't always drink and drive. But when I do...

it's when I'm playing Mario Kart.

Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer...

One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"

The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum"

So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"

Why doesn't Donald Trump drink beer?

Because he's a draught dodger.

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

After this last weekend I've decided I'm done drinking for good!

Now I'm only drinking for evil!

What’s the worst thing to put in a Mexicans drink?

ICE

Credit: My friend

What's a Mexicans favorite drink?

They aren't picky as long as it doesn't have ICE

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Why does Karl Marx drink coffee before going to lectures?

To maintain class consciousness.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm...

it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

If you drink the blue liquid inside a magic 8 ball you can see the future

I knew someone who did

said he was gonna die

he did

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

The doctor asked me "How much do you drink?"

Me - About 5-6 drinks

Doc - Oh. That's slightly more per week, but ok

Me - Ah, per week, then about 30

Doc - 30 beers per week?! That is too much!

Me - Oh. I have to count beers too?

Why did the Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft

*raises drink* Here's to blind hookers!

You really gotta hand it to em

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

Your dark humor is like clean drinking water

It’s tasteless.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Alabama Starbucks have released a new drink this month

Pump Kin Latte

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

I don’t wanna drink water anymore.

2 hydrogen atoms are going at it, the one H atom says to the other, this is boring there’s no spark anymore, we should do something about this. The one hydrogen atom thinks about his friend oxygen atom, calls him up and tells him what’s up. So oxygen atom comes over and him and hydrogen atom start t...

So, i was out drinking in a club and two guys with Swastika tattoo on their hands walked in next to me...

They order drinks and got pretty drunk in just one round, You can say that they had low tolerance.

Officer pulls a guy over and says to him, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been drinking?”

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

What state has the smallest drinks

Mini-soda

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol




Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

What did Boba Fett do when a restaurant ran out of his favorite drink?

He threw a boba fit

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Horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender: Say Horse, why the long face?

Horse: fuck you.

After reading about all the negative effects of drinking and smoking I've decided to quit

reading

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to...

A drunk walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender says, "You're already drunk. I'm not serving you anything."

"P-p-please. I'm... I need a drink real bad."

The bartender decides to have a little fun with him. "See that spittoon in the corner? I'll give you a drink if you take a sip out of that."

The drunk ponders ...

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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks

but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first say...

My son asked if I wanted to get drinks with him.

I said no, cause IPA lot when I drink.

Derek and Brian are having a drink together.

"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.

"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.

"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.

"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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Drinking for free

Two old friends wanted to go drinking but didn't have any money. The oldest of the two told his friend it's no problem, he had an idea to get drinks for free so away they went to the local pub and ordered a bunch of drinks. After slamming down some beer the friend asked how they would get this for ...

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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What’s a furries favourite drink?

A cocktail

I was at Disney World buying a drink when I accidentally backed up into a little person.

“I’m so sorry sir! I wasn’t paying attention and I should have been. Are you okay?” I say.

“I’m okay, but I’m not happy.” he says to me.

Confused, I reply, “Well that’s good, but which one are you?”

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

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An older gentleman walks in to a bar and spends the night drinking...

As he finishes up his last drink the bartender says, "Rich, you want me to call your wife to come pick you up?"

Rich responds, "Nah, I'll get home just fine."

He takes his last gulp and lifts himself from the bar stool only to collapse on to the floor.

The bar tender rushes ov...

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

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Non-alcoholic drinks....

It’s like licking your sisters pussy. It tastes the same but it’s just not right.

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the bee...

Where do Martians drink beer?

At a Mars Bar.

If you drink vodka with ice

It will wreck your appendix

If you drink whisky with ice it will kill your liver

If you drink Tequila with ice it will ruin your intestines...

Apparently, ice is bad for you!

What did the bartender say when the boat ordered a drink?

I can't serve you you're already ship-faced.

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ...

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