A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.

​

We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.

​

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 drinks

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like two shots of whiskey; one for me and one for my best friend."

The bartender says, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "He's here already," and takes a 6-inch tall man from his pocket and sets him on the bar. <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

Don't drink Mr Pibb. It's just a cheap knockoff of Dr Pepper..

The dude didn't even get a degree.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

Don't drink and drive

You might spill some

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

What is the Grim Reaper's favorite kind of drink?

Mortali-tea!

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest....

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me

\-How?

\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

What does an executioner drink?

A Decappuccino.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

What's Michael Jackson's favourite thing to drink?

Teahee!

Before I go to bed, I always drink some ti

I like to end the day on a high note

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a drink, quick!"

The bartender gives him his drink, and says "What's the hurry, buddy?"
The guy downs the drink and says "Just went to the doctor. Get me another drink, quick!"
The bartender gives him another drink, which he promptly guzzles.
The guy downs the next drink, and the bartender says "Really, ...

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

In a survival situation you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

What is a tree’s favorite drink?

Root beer!


I need help

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I brought my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do nazis drink?

Jews

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar. It hurts." So he pours him a drink. So he pours him a drink.

A cowboy, who just

moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You k...

Remember Hurricane Sandy that hit New York a couple years ago? They made a mixed drink after it

It’s pretty much a watered down manhattan

"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tim Apple walks into a Washington DC bar and drinks couple of beers and prepares to leave

The bartender, a certain gentleman called Dump Trump tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says Tim.

"OK," says Trump, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

Tim goes outside and sees Bill Pornhub & tells him that the bartender can't kee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No tha...

I went to meet Bill Cosby and Clark Gable for a drink...

I forget the rest of the story...

People keep telling me I need to drink “Less” whiskey

I can’t find that brand anywhere.

My friend went to the bar and ordered 6 drinks

He took the first drink and drank it.

He took the second drink and tipped it on the floor.

He took the third drink and drank it.

He took the forth drink and tipped it on the floor.

He took the fifth drink and drank it.

He took the sixth drink and tipped it on the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Your mom drinks so much...

she gets smashed more than the like button.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression...

Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Why does Conor mcgregor drink Jameson whiskey?

Because he can’t handle a White Russian

I stopped sharing drinks with my wife

I was tired of being roofied

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.

They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, slams $20 down and asks for a vodka. The barman serves the drink and enquires about his problem...

"I just found out my brother is gay", says the guy. "Man, that's tough," says the barman. Two weeks later the same guy goes to the bar again, and slams another $20 on the bar. The barman again enquires about his problem."I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow your family is screw...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

“it’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

What did the bathroom bartender say when he handed me my drink?

Urine for a surprise

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

A man and his brother met up for drinks

After a long night of drinking and laughing, the two men head home. On the way, they both delve into their love life, and the first man mentions the new girl he's been seeing.
"Yeah dude, we met at work and went out for dinner. She's gorgeous!"
His brother turns to him and asks,
"Nice! What...

I once tried to pay for my food at Hooters with an energy drink...

Apparently Red Bull doesn’t give you wings.

There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks.

You can say I was Schwepped away by it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender

&#x200B;

"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"N...

Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

Bernie Sanders walks in to a bar and yells "free drinks for everyone"

who's buying?

A drink in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell, and on his first day the Devil gives him a tour.

The man is paying attention and seeing the sites (torture sites, internet comment sections, etc.) and he gets really hot and thirsty.

Coincidentally, the next stop on the tour is the only place to get a drin...

1999: kidss sneak out to drink

2009: kids sneak out to smoke weed
2019: kids sneak out to get vaccinated

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

What is a marsupials favourite drink ?

A Piña Koala

A man enters in a bar and the bartender asks him:<<Good Morn.. morn.. morning... What would.. you.. you.. like.. to.. to.. drink..?

And the man:<<Yeah... I would li.. li.. like a co.. co.. coffee, please.>>
After a while, another man comes in and recognize the first man and starts talking to him:<<Yo, dude how's going? What are you doing here?>> And the first man:<<Nothing important. Just chillin...

I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal..

At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously: "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

What tea does Batman drink?

**Vigilan-tea**

I’ll excuse myself now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men were having a drink together.

One says “I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you?” “I don’t know,” says the other. “What was her maiden name?”

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beer...

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.

“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”


“Why not?” asked the snake.


“Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

A Canadian and American are grabbing a drink....

AMERICAN: “Hey, have you ever seen the movie Titanic?”

CANADIAN: “What’s that about?”

AMERICAN: “Yes! A really large one that sank. Based on a true event.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

What happens when you drink 2 5-Hour Energies? Do you get double the energy for 5 hours or 10 hours of energy?

You get a heart attack

(Dark humor) Don't drink and drive

John Baker was 17 and hot headed. An underage drinkers and a hardcore partier, his parents were always furious with him for this. They tried keeping him from going out, but nothing seemed to work. The last straw was when John got caught driving drunk. The car was a wreck, and John was in even worse ...

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

I ordered a drink with ice. It came without.

That's not cool!

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a gl...

Having excessive mixed drinks isn't the answer...

... but they are solutions.

I told myself I should stop drinking.

But I am not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

Donald Trump doesnt drink alcohol

unless a russian hooker drank it first

1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

What do you call it when you drink 5 bottles of water?

Urine trouble!

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

An American and a Frenchman are sitting in a bar having drinks.

After a short while they start arguing about which country is better.

The American says, “If it wasn’t for us, you’d be speakin’ German!”

The Frenchman takes a drink and replies, “And if it weren’t for us, you’d be speaking English.”

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends meet in a bar to drink to their friendship ...

Two friends meet in a bar to drink to their friendship.

First friend is already at the bar and bought some whiskeys when his friend enters.

He notices has the second friend has a black eye and a blue cheek, so he passes him a whiskey and asks :


- What's happening to you ?...

What’s Thanos favorite drink?

Snapple

What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Half & Half

Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?

At a Squeakeasy!

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

An elderly couple were having late night drinks in a bar.

Wife: I love you so much. Some times I wonder how I would have got through my life without you.

The husband pauses, shocked.

Husband: is that you or the wine talking?

The wife smiled.

Wife: that was me talking..... to the wine!

Where do unicorns like to drink?

The horn pub!

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What was the puta’s favorite soft drink?

Whore-chata


Yeah, lame, but at least not a repost.

What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

What do you call a physicist that only drinks one beer?

Einstein.

What do you say when you want a THC drink at a dispensary?

Can I have a cannadis?

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda...

That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan...

My stand-up routine about one-legged men trying to drink each other's warm vomit was never successful

Too many lame gags

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

Joke from a popsicle: what did the cheerleader drink before the big game?

A root beer

Wise men drink wine

Budweiser drink beer.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"

The man think...

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

What do you call a friend who gets smarter as they drink?

\~Budweiser\~

How much milk do cars drink?

A car-ton full

What happens when a communist drinks too much water?

We

Getting a drink after work

2 airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia airport. One says to the other let's go get some drinks. The other agrees, but says "Let's try drinking jet fuel." "I hear tastes just like whiskey and there's no nasty hangover." The other agrees and they drink about quart a piece. Afterwards they go h...

What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy?

Royal-Tea

A man gets caught letting his son drink some of his beer...

A witness sees this and yells "Hey! You can't give that child beer!"

The man replies, "Well, I ran out of whiskey!"

I went 11 straight years without a drink. What happened?

I turned 12.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

An Irishmen finishes his last drink and leaves the bar...

Just kidding

What's your favorite drink to have during Christmas time? Mine is the Little Drummer Boy.

It's 1 part rum, 3 parts pum.