UPJOKE
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Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

YouTube keeps showing me videos of vice-presidents dancing.

Must be the Al Gore Rhythm…

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

My roommate keeps calling me a "crazy schizophrenic"

Jokes on him, I dont have a roommate

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

The furniture store keeps calling me

I only wanted one nightstand

I said, "Doc, look, my hair's starting to fall out, maybe give me something to keep it in"

He gave me a ziploc bag

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I keep getting confused between homophobia and claustrophobia.

Which is the one about being irrationally afraid because you’re stuck in the closet?

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

They keep calling the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial “defamation case”…

I think there’s a typo there.

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I keep feeling that everyone thinks I'm a liar'

'I find that very hard to believe' says the Doctor.

How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

Present her with a mirror. Tell her to wait for the other person to say, "Hello."

I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for.

But no one is giving me a straight answer.

Mom ! Mom ! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears !

"Oh really ? I'll talk to them. Where are they ?"

"In the next town over !"

What do you do if your son keeps biting on wires?

Ground him till he conducts himself properly

Please keep the bathroom door closed

The dogs have a drinking problem.

(Actual sign on a bathroom door)

Everyone keeps asking me why I buried my mom in such a terribly ugly outfit

We were shopping a few years ago and she said that was the last thing she'd ever want to wear.

Keep ‘em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your se...

I keep asking what "IDK" is supposed to mean...

But nobody seems to have any idea.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Little boy keeping the shop...

A little boy was keeping his dad's shop while he was away.
There were lots of candies kept in jars for sell. They were known to be so delicious that kids couldn’t resist themselves from buying candies.
One day a passer by asked him, if he was keeping the shop, to which the boy said yes. Seei...

Why do British people keep winning in chess

Because their queen can't die.

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

Where do cats keep their lipstick?

In their purrrs.

I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger retired from acting but he still keeps busy.

He's working as an exterminator.


(Hi u/govschwarzenegger!)

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My butt really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.

I think I have Ahemorrhoids

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

My friends keep asking me for advice..

They want to know how to get all the karma and awards.

I keep telling them it's a piece of cake

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

During the Pontius Pilate number in Jesus Christ Superstar, I thought the orchestra hit a wrong note, but they were actually changing key and it was Pilate who didn’t keep up.

So I thought it was caused faulty instrumentation but it was really due to Pilate error.

Why does Portobello keep telling good jokes?

He's a fungi

Where do Generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies.

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

People keep saying chivalry is dead. But, I looked up the definition of chivalry and it has little to do with manners and it is more about knights and combat.

The other day when I didn't open the classroom door for a girl in my class, she said that chivalry is dead. So, I challenged her to a duel.

To conclude, chivalry is not dead. But, that girl is.

Why do teachers keep an apple on their desk?

Because they are poor and hungry.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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(NSFW) My wife keeps making jokes about squirting orgasms

At first I didn't get it, but then it hit me.

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

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I keep getting road rage when i watch pornography.

It just makes me so angry when someone pulls out in front of me.

Heating bills keep going up so I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo.

To make a wooly jumper.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

What do you call a Russian footballer who keeps fouling?

Sendimov

this one's for UA - keep on fighting the good fight!

A joke we had in Poland, dating from the times of soviet occupation (post WWII).



A border. A Polish patrol found a cow standing right on the border line, half of the cow in Poland, half on the Russian land. A Russian patrol suddenly appears and they go:

\- Davay palyaki, we spl...

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

Who’s the buff actor who keeps sneezing?

Ah it’s Vin Sniesel

Where do frogs keep their money?

In the riverbank.

I keep trying to follow the science but I think I'm doing it wrong

as it keeps leading me back to the money...

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

Why do people keep posting the same joke on here?

Because they’re hoping people haven’t Reddit already.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

I teach public school, and every day I have to keep track of who showed up and who didn't

That's just how I roll

Why did the Scottish chili pepper storage boat keep missing its deliveries?

It kept capsaicin

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Keep that spark alive

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we started dating?"
So I took her out to a nice dinner and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

What does Spongebob keep in his square pants?

A thick mane of cubic hair

An alcoholic says to himself "I can't keep drinking like this"

So he gets up from laying flat on his back and sits up right. "Ah that's better."

If it's one thing you don't have to worry about keeping out of your mouth...

it's Jada Pinkett Smith's hair.

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

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Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

People keep saying Will Smith hit rock bottom at the Oscars

But I'm pretty sure he slapped him in the face.

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach, last night?"

"I have to do that, or daddies stomach gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work. "

"Why not?"

"Because Tina the babysitter, keeps blowing him back up again."

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know h...

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

Why do fishmongers keep all the profit for themselves?

Because they sel fish

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How do you keep your ass safe in prison?

Don’t wipe

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’m not sure the guy never told me.

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

Even though I went bald in my thirties, I still keep my comb.

I just can’t part with it.

Where did Quasimodo keep his rabbits?

In a hutch, back of Notre Dame.

Some folks like fortune-tellers who warn of dangers. Some like to find fortune-tellers who keep emotions out of the readings. What do I want?

I prefer a happy medium.

Why do you keep calling him Chewbacca?

The man's name is GHHRRRGH!

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever.

You know what they say about old habits.

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18...

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why do all of you keep giving me all these dimes?"

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

There once was an engineer and a doctor, but they both loved the same woman.

The doctor would give the woman a rose every day to show his love.

The engineer would give her an apple every day.

This confused her, so she asked the engineer about it.

"The doctor gives me a rose because a rose signifies love, what is this apple supposed to mean?"

The ...

What does Big Foot keep time with?

His sasqwatch

Why is it okay for my aunt to keep her husband's ashes on her shelf...

But when people see my girlfriend's head on my nightstand they say mean things like "psychopath" and "you murderer".

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

A little old man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked

**"How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours from now." The old guy left.**

**A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber l...

Where does Frosty keep his money?

In a snow bank!

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns. Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

What do you call a person who keeps all the seafood to themselves?

Shellfish

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

Why does the proctologist keep buying new TV remotes?

Digging through the couch just feels like work.

I asked my Wife if she was annoyed because I keep talking about Dinosaurs.

But she remained silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyl.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer...

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

During the week I keep getting sick all the time.

I must have a weekend immune system

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

Son keeps tipping the waitress

Every sunday father and son go to the same restaurant.
When asking for the bill the waitress come and places the bill in the table, they put the right amount on the table but the son puts a 500 dollars tip.

Next Monday the father goes the same restaurant pays and leave a 5 dollars tip. ...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

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An Englishman goes up to a Welsh farmer

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

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Are pirates ass men or tit men

Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the booty, not the size of the chest.

Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

They say don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry...

But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

How do you keep a fool waiting?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

Hilda and Olga

are models doing a photo-shoot.

The photographer changes lenses for like the tenth time.

Hilda says "Why does he keep changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

Hilda says "Okay but first we must take the photos, Ja?"

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

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Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

If an A.I robot is depressed, and keeps on seeing the glass half empty,

Is it electronegative?

What does a karate master keep in his pants?

Gi’s nuts.

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

My wife keeps complaining about how I don't love any of her relatives.

So I told her that isn't true. I said "I love your mother in law more than I love mine."

Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?

He keeps hitting on 17.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? Th...

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

An Engineer in Heaven

An engineer up in Heaven was bored because there was nothing to do. But he heard that lots of things were in disrepair in Hell, so he went down there to see if he could help. Sure enough, everything was broken down, and he started tinkering with things. He started fixing one system after another and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do dungeon masters keep their slaves

In debasement.

why are optimitrists slow when they go to the bathroom?

Because they keep asking
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?
Number 1, or number 2?

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

What kind of soap can also be used to keep away men?

Deter gents

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

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