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Keep Jokes

I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for

I never get a straight answer

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

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My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

[𝑭𝑼𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑻 𝑫𝑬𝑳𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑫𝑼𝑬 𝑻𝑶 𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑫𝑰𝑻 𝑩𝑬𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑨𝑵 𝑨𝑺𝑺]

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the jud...

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

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Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

People keep telling me I'm going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.

Fortunately the ground stops me every time .

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary...

Joke's on them, so are they

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

I keep telling my dad we're out of milk

The idiot just won't stop coming back with more instead of taking the hint

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My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

How do you keep an Idiot occupied?

[Click here to find out]( http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1v1wqm/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_occupied/)

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

Where do the fish keep their money?

In the river bank

My girlfriend found my stash of money I keep in an old boardgame and is insisting I put the money in the bank...

Better safe than Sorry I guess.

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

My friends down here in Texas keep telling me about the sun having an eclipse.

I couldn't see anything, though. The moon was in the way the entire time.

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard.

Put up goal posts.

And I'm a lions fan. For some damn reason.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

Where does a General keep his armies?

In his sleevies

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

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How does the Madame keep the peace at the brothel?

With a re-vulva.

I keep adding bath salts in the tub

But it still doesn't taste right.

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

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Why do boobs keep to themselves?

Because they have the company of their breast friend!!

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

How do ghosts keep in shape?

They exorcise regularly.

Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches.

Due to sand-witches

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "...

Why did the blonde keep staring into the refrigerator?

Because the orange juice said concentrate.

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My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It’s a running gag

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”

Dad: Records are….always a sound purchase.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll tell you later

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

You put Lox on it..


RIP Paul Reubens.

How do you keep a Trump supporter occupied?

Give me $50 now and I'll tell you in just 4 weeks!

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

My dog keeps sleeping on my bed

Every time I think about it


I get a warm and fuzzy feeling

My friend is amazing at keeping his horses clean and well-fed.

He’s a stable genius.

People keep telling me that I don’t have Friends, but they’re wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

Rename the folder instruction manual.

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Keep ‘em Dry!

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench and enjoying a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain. One of the grannies digs in her purse and pulls out a condom from it’s wrapper. She slides her cigarette inside the rubber and smiles, now her cigarette won’t get soaked by the rain.
“Mary, wher...

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

The majority of elderly Bulgarians keep their savings in Euro

Some of them - in two Euros

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

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Everyone keeps calling my dog “he”

I’m like, “Bitch, please”

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

My friends keep asking me for advice..

They want to know how to get all the karma and awards.

I keep telling them it's a piece of cake

How do you keep an idiot waiting?

Give me a second to write it in the comments

I have a suspicion that my wife keeps covering my antique weapons in glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

Why do Catholic priests keep their girlfriends a secret?

They're afraid of ex-communication.

Everyone keeps saying Aaron Rodgers only had 4 snaps with the Jets.....

Its 5 if you count the Achilles ( I'm so sorry jets fans )

An airplane's propeller is just a big fan, and its purpose is to keep the pilot's cool.

Need proof?

Watch how much they "sweat" when it stops spinning!

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

Do you know why Indian sandwich shops keep opening?

Because there is always a New Delhi

What does Big Foot keep time with?

His sasqwatch

Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?

On a Lanyard Nimoy

How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep telling myself that I must stop masturbating.

Fortunately I don't listen to perverts.

Where do you keep the rebellious chicken?

In the coup

How do rabbits keep their pelts so clean?

They have hare supplies.

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest...

Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men.

Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Every time I'm at the circus, insects keep keep buzzing around my head whispering the future to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night

set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

Keep ‘em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your se...

I yelled to my neighbor keep it down

He yelled back, I'm not making any noise.

I mean keep your blinds down.. or at least put some pants on.

I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman..

Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

Where does the Colonel keep his army?

Up his sleevey

If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.

My flip-flops keep disappearing all the time

That's why I call one of them Houdini and the other one dad

My girlfriend keeps making fun of me because I’m French.

I give up.

As a serial killer, I keep all of my trophies in a snack pack.

The proof is in the pudding.

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