I once knew a guy who did circumcisions

The money wasn't great, but at least he got to keep the tips

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me "I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle"

I said "Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out"

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This bible verse always keeps me going.

Lunch 11:30

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for

I never get a straight answer

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so depressed because everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen...

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else...

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

My friend keeps sending me bird puns

He doesn't realise toucan play that game

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep talking shit about Ringo Starr's drumming.

But let's be honest: at his time in The Beatles, he certainly was in the drumming Top 4 of The Beatles!

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies

I forgot to keep my subscription to Scrabble Club up to date.

Now they've started sending me threatening letters.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mum keeps saying I’m always loosing my things

She was wrong I’ll never lose my virginity!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends keep telling me that make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water...."

I know he means well.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend keeps telling me having a small penis isn't that much of a problem.

I guess, but I still wish she didn't have one.

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

To all the people out there suffering from paranoia, keep strong and just remember

you're not alone.

“Doctor, I keep having terrible flashbacks when I listen to Korean pop music.”

“Thats a clear case of BTS-D.”

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

I keep randomly shouting brocolli and cauliflower

I think I may have florettes

When my friends wife was in labor, he would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain but this didn't amuse her much.

I guess it was the delivery.

People keep talking about how they’re going to raid Area 51

Don’t they know that Donald Trump is moving all the aliens to Mexico?

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the arkHIVES

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

All day long, I keep running into these depressed psychics.

I just can't find a happy medium :/

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all of your beer?

Invite another Mormon over

Everyone keeps saying: "You are what you eat."

I stopped eating vegtables ever since.

I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.

But none of them work

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

A guy on the street asked me how I keep my hair looking so slick..

I guess he was gel-less.

Why do we keep making pennies when the cost to make them is more than their value?

It just doesn't make cents

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

I had a hip replacement, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir.

They've got joint custody.

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

Hey, dictators! Moving the Earth further from the sun will keep you in power. Why?

Because it will take longer to make one full revolution.

I keep trying to come up with a joke about explosives

But they all blow up in my face

People keep saying I’m inbread.

I would like to clarify that the bread is in me.

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

Where do pirate captains keep their buccaneers?

Under their buckin' hats.

If something is meant to stay in one spot but it keeps rolling around...

It’s pretty pointless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you keep you wife screaming after sex?

Wipe yourself off on her new curtains

Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

I asked my brother why he keeps his hair long

He said : well, I didn't like at first, but then it kind of *grew on me*

How do you keep a prince cool?

Use an heir conditioner.

What do you call a number that cant keep still?

A roamin' numeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep hearing about this benefit for female amputees

I have never been, but I hear it’s crawling with pussy

Forgive me Father...for I have sinned. I keep singing the barenaked ladies.

“How Long has it been since your last confession?”

“It’s been.......”

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

How do you keep a violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

My wife keeps cheating

At monopoly, her boyfriend is pretty good though

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

I just found out my girlfriend has an STD but she wants to keep it, how do I change her mind?

Please Reddit, I really don't want a kid

I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

My wife keeps telling me I'm a cheapskate...

I'm not buying it.

How do you keep a blonde busy?

I actually took this joke from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nr339/how_do_you_keep_a_blonde_busy/)

My parents said I would never amount to anything if I keep procrastinating

I told them, “just wait”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who keeps order in a nazi school?

A dissipline Aryan

Why cant skunks keep secrets?

Someone's always catching wind of them...

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional.

I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

I dont know why people keep saying this cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

An apple a day can keep anyone away

as long as you throw it hard enough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

I keep seeing guys holding signs that say, “Homeless Vet.”

Rough times for pet doctors, eh?

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did Hitler keep his armies?

In his sleeves.

Okay, how did he tie his shoesies?
With little knotsies!

So where did he keep his OTHER armies?

Not being vaccinated is a gift that keeps on giving

you things you otherwise wouldn't get.

My wife keeps trying to annoy me by making bird jokes.

Little does she know Toucan play at that game.

Why does princess peach keep toad around?

Because he's a "fun-gi"

How do you keep a clown from smiling?

You hit it in the face with an axe.

Everyone keeps talking about these “safe spaces”...

well call me old fashioned but I’m going to keep calling them banks!

What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

My wife keeps telling everyone I’m kinda like Macgyver.

Always solving our problems with a knife and duct tape.

Everybody keeps telling me I have small handwriting.

But I just don’t see it.

Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Where do pot dealers keep their money?

In a joint bank account.

How much does it cost to keep a zombie well fed?

An arm and a leg.

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cops in our town are looking for a guy who keeps pooping on people’s yards at night.

The police are calling him Public Enemy Number Two.

I keep trying to leave Rome...

But all the roads have this weird thing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always keeps on talking to me while having sex. But her voice is really sweet.

The only problem is that sometimes she will call me even when I am in the middle of a meeting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

Do you know why they say "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"?

Because doctors are smart people. Smart people use Windows.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an icicle that keeps giving you quizzes?

A testicle.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

Showerthought: Jesus made a list of sins that would keep you out of heaven and started it with "fornication." The apostles decided to put this list into the book of Corinthians.


What keeps awake an insomniac dislexic agnostic man?

Wondering if there is a real dog.

I keep getting Entomology and Etymology mixed up.

I seriously bugs me in ways I cannot put into words.

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