I keep asking people what LGBTQ means,

I never get a straight answer.

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

How do babies keep track of their fathers?

They use an extensive dada-base.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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My girlfriend keeps telling me it's okay to have a small penis

I kinda wish she didn't have one though

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

Why can't eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

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I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

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Why is that people keep reposting the same joke and still get thousands of upvotes?

The fuck I know? If I knew I wouldn't be posting this, I'd be reposting

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

Do you know where Redit keeps its Dad jokes?

In its Dadabase.......

sorry in advance.......

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.

I guess that’s the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

An apple a day keeps the bully away

If you throw hard enough

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I keep getting the words "Yakuza" and Jakuzzi" mixed up.

Now I'm in real hot water with some Japanese gangsters.

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

I keep dreaming that I am made out of car parts.

I am always tired, and wake up exhausted.

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

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I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

My mother keep saying "if you good at something don't do it for free"

Now I just have to find out how to sell depression

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

What did I call the guy that keeps my daughter out late at night?

An ambulance

What’s the name of the colonel that keeps brushing everyone’s teeth?

Col. Gate

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

How do you keep an egg from breaking when throwing it at a wall?

Leave it inside the chicken.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

My friends keep telling me that Joe is too old to be president

Well I’m sure he could’ve run years ago, but he’s been Biden his time

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?

Take away their little brooms.

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A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.

“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

If you keep sticking to your guns...

...then hot glue may not be for you.

Autocorrect keeps ducking up my joke every time I try to type it here for all of you.

Is it because of the fowl language?

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My boyfriend keeps suggesting we do anal

He's a real pain in my ass.

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife.

Eventually he fired them all.

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Why does Trump keep fucking america?

Because it's cheaper than fucking his wife.

I’m binge-watching this show and they keep doing bits about marathons

Guess it’s some sort of running joke

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

My dashboard keeps saying "Trunk is ajar"

Damn thing is lying. I know my trunk isn't a jar.

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Amber Alert keeps on calling my phone

I really don't need to know the color of my car.

How do you keep a skeleton from joking?

Take away his funny bone.

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

How do you keep a blond in suspense?

I'll post the answer tomorrow

We all know the stork deliveries babies, what bird helps keeps babies away?

The Swallow

How do you keep citizens divided?

Give them two bad options to choose from every 4 years.

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My crush keeps telling me my dick size is below average

I just don't understand how someone from my family could be so _mean_

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

I keep meeting bi women on the apps

Every time I say hello they say Byeee

Grampa's inheritance will help us keep our bellies full

He left us his set of silverware

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA

but they never say when it’ll hit.

All my social media apps and people I know keep telling me to vote...

I’ve probably cast like 40 ballots by now, and they STILL won’t stop telling me to do it!

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

My grandmum always asked “Why do you keep walking around on pins and needles?”

I’d absolutely love not to.

If only she’d not forget her knitting on the floor.

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer keep in his shower?

Heads and Shoulders.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

Why does Kim Jong-un keep attacking South Korea?

Because he doesn't have Seoul?

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

My girlfriend keeps turning down my invite to the medieval fare because she's busy with "activism" and "planning women's marches".

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." said ...

If I remember correctly, the game “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes” had a very brief stint of enormous popularity out of nowhere.

No one was talking about it, and it exploded onto the scene.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

Things to keep private:

1:



2:



3:

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

There is a guy that keeps stealing iPhones

I'm sure he will soon FaceTime!

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her

The Nun, very upset, say,s"NO! I am married to God" and gets off the bus disgusted

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the Hippie, "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard... why don't you tell her you are God and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this and to his surp...

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

I keep having this recurring dream when I’m riding a horse...

It’s been six nights on the trot.

My wife keeps telling me I need to have my own opinions and stop agreeing to everything!

I agree

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

People keeping telling me that, to stay healthy, I should "Eat Vegan"

The trouble is, when you do, you find there is no meat on them.

I blame the lousy diet.

Mother Skunk was worried because she had trouble keeping track of her two children.

They were named In and Out. And whenever In was in, Out was out. But if Out was in, then In was out.

One day Mother Skunk called Out in to her room and told him to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in no time at all, brought In in.

"Wonderfull" said mother skunk. "How, in all...

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

Where do clouds keep their money?

In a fog bank.

I couldn't keep working on my previous job after what my boss said to me

What did she say?

She said "You're fired."

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.”
“You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

Why does water keep changing its state?

Because it's bipolar

Does anyone know how long human blood will keep for if it’s not refrigerated?

Asking for a fiend

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

Someone keeps adding soil to my garden!

The plot thickens

Where did Noah keep his bees ?

In the Ark hives.

I keep telling my kids that limousine jokes are the funniest kind.

They think it’s bit of a stretch though

I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse.

He told me the end is neigh

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

What do you call a Sikh guy who keeps to himself?

Social Distance Singh.

There are two sisters...

...one is blonde and hte other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed ...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water.

Take a pitcher it will last longer

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

I always keep a loaded gun on my night stand in case there’s an intruder

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

People keep asking me why my keyboard keys keep falling off.

It's not like I have any Ctrl.

Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much

I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?

There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the...

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You guys keep getting this joke wrong. "What is red and bad for your teeth?"

A brick...

Now shut the fuck up.

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

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