I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

I'm an antivax parent, I want to keep my 3 children healthy

edit: 2 children

edit: 1 child

How do you keep a Redditor on the edge?

I will tell you tomorrow.

Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains?

I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.

Daddy, daddy!! Why do I keep walking in circles?!

Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

What do you call a number that can't keep still?

A roamin' numeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend keeps moaning that there's not enough room in the wardrobe.

She needs to shut the fuck up, the wife might discover her.

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Where do toy stores keep the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it good to keep a chronic masturbator around?

They always come in handy!

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

How do chickens keep each other entertained?

They tell bok bok jokes.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians is ending

Kim Kardashians professional career is behind her

“Why do you keep that condom with you all the time?”

“It’s my lucky condom. Every time I wear it I get lucky.”

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half....

I just don't want 2 of you around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zipper that keeps snagging your dick?

A penis fly trap.

How do snowmen keep warm

With a snow blanket!

How to keep warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner. It is always 90 degrees

What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat?

Algorithm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

Where do Egyptians go when people keep doubting them?

Into de-Nile

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

What mythical creature keeps time for trains at the station?

A metro-gnome

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Why do panda bears keep buying bamboo?

They just like the stock!

I keep hearing how euthanasia is controversial

But I think those Chinese kids are alright

The blond hair/blue eyed family like keeping their doors and windows open

They’re Aryan the house out

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy

Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!

I keep googling “what is the definition of insanity” to find a joke I heard a while ago...

But I keep getting the same results

Where does the TF2 Scout keep his Money?

In his BONK Account.

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

If you keep following your dreams...

They’re going to file a restraining order.

I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M.

It's really disrupting my drumming practice.

What do you call 10 friendly ants that keep everything working in your house?

Maintenance

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

What's the most effective tool a woman can use to keep away unwanted men?

Detergent.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

I keep asking people what LGBTQ means,

I never get a straight answer.

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

When you keep a database about your exes,

if you make a new cell in a spreadsheet containing information about a previous SO who has gone to jail and is celibate against their will, it is an incel-in-cell ex-Excel cell

My wife is divorcing me because I keep getting aroused by serious situations. She tried to explain it away, but I said, "Baby, please...

"Don't make this harder than it already is."

Everyone knows that the SECOND largest city in the world is Dublin...because it keeps on dublin and dublin. But what is the largest?

Tripoli.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

Why did the tf2 engineer keep twitching?

Because he had turrets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Optimus Prime, in full on robot battle, wondering how the decepticons keep figuring out his next moves before he makes them

only to look down and see that his blinker was on the entire time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you keep a horses ass from talking?

Suspend his Twitter account

An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling .

During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.

They were just beating, and beating and beating.

I decided to keep an ostrich as a pet.

But after a few weeks I felt I was being ostracized and thought it best to give him to another home.

"Honey we gotta go through these clothes, keep or throw?"

"Dave, I've been trying to tell you-"

"Keep or throw?"

"Dave, please let me fini-"

"KEEP or THROW!"

"I'm pregnant."

"..... Keep or throw?"

How do babies keep track of their fathers?

They use an extensive dada-base.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Nice to see America keeping its tradition

Of launching a coup in a third world country.

My doctor asked me to keep track of my bowel movements, I said how?

He said keep a log

I've been standing in this place where they keep throwing car parts at me,

but I haven't been able to catch a brake.

I keep randomly shouting out "Brocolli" and "Cauliflower".

I think I might have Florets.

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

An Apple a day keeps anyone away

If you throw it hard enough

My hairs been getting long lately, my family keeps telling me to cut it, but I dont know...

Its kinda been growing on me

What's the difference between someone that collects stamps and the tally that Prince Phillip keeps of all the gravy and soup related silverware?

One's a philatelist and the other's a Phil ladle list.

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

My wife keeps complaining about having a headache that won't go away.

I keep telling her that I have a name.

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a......snow bank

I'm glad someone thinks I keep my house so clean, one could eat off the floors.

Too bad it's only my dog who thinks that.

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

Where does China keep their political prisoners?

Wontonamo Bay

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to be a doctor, but my horse keeps telling me I can’t.

He’s such a naysayer.

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...

I think I should look for a new dentist....

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

Why can't eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure

What number does Santa always keep on his nice list?

69

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

How does Santa keep his bathroom so spotless & clean?

He uses Comet.

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

My friend has a job where he keeps seeing flying saucers

He’s a very clumsy waiter

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.

They now serve rawomen.

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

&nbsp;

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lioness comes and asks lion why is he ignoring the monkey. Lion asks her to mind her own business and ignore the monkey. Lioness ignores lion’s advice and starts to chase the mo...

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Trump keep fucking america?

Because it's cheaper than fucking his wife.

Do you know where Redit keeps its Dad jokes?

In its Dadabase.......

sorry in advance.......

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

I keep a spreadsheet of every time Abraham Lincoln is mentioned on Reddit.

I call it my Lincoln Logs

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

My mother keep saying "if you good at something don't do it for free"

Now I just have to find out how to sell depression

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?

Take away their little brooms.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

What did I call the guy that keeps my daughter out late at night?

An ambulance

I keep dreaming that I am made out of car parts.

I am always tired, and wake up exhausted.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But au pair a day keeps the social workers away.

I keep getting phone calls from a “Private Number.”

These army guys are really persistent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I keep trying to throw out my garbage can

But the garbage men keep emptying it and leaving it there

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

What do you do if your computer keeps freezing?

Connect it to a hotspot.

How do you keep an egg from breaking when throwing it at a wall?

Leave it inside the chicken.

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.

“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend keeps suggesting we do anal

He's a real pain in my ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me already!" she screamed.

She could yell all she wanted but i was keeping the umbrella.

The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife.

Eventually he fired them all.

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found the best medicine for sunburn

Viagra, doesn't help with the sunburn but it keeps the sheets of my legs

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