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My donkey keeps eating the glass out of my window

It is a real pane in the ass.

How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?

Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.

*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

How do you keep a Trump supporter occupied?

Give me $50 now and I'll tell you in just 4 weeks!

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

My girlfriend keeps telling me I should make a TikTok

Because I’m really good for about 15 seconds.

I’ll see my way out.

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Arkhives

Why does EA keep winning Worst Corporation In America?

Because Ubisoft is French.

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin hat!

Where does a dinosaur keep his underwear?

DRAWR

My boss told me he's not going to pay me if I keep having erections at work

I told him that's my hard-earned money

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My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

Wanna know where I keep all my dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base

My wife keeps complaining about having a headache that won't go away.

I keep telling her that I have a name.

How did the mime keep getting laid?

He could do unspeakable things in the bedroom.

I keep hearing that there are rumors going around that I am bulimic!

Just the thought of that makes me want to puke!

This furniture store keeps emailing me...

All I wanted was one night stand!

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

Why do people from Poland keep their stuff super shiny?

Well duh, they're Polish

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

How do you keep a redditor in suspense?

all of our servers are busy right now

please try again in a minute

People who keep and look after chickens...

...are literally chicken tenders.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A man keeps praying to God to please let him win the lottery...

He prays every day for years... and years... and years!! He even got his church to pray for him with diligent prayer warriors.

One day he angrily shouts at God, “why won’t you hear my effing prayer..!!???”

God answers, “why don’t you go buy an effing ticket..??!!”

Two guys keep getting thrown out of bars.

'You LUNATIC! What is that, five times now!? Whenever we're out drinking, if the bartender's got a rifle or a pistol or whatever, you try to steal it! And we both get thrown out! What is WRONG with you!?'

'Well, I'm a smart shopper.'

'WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?'...

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

You Put a Lox on it!



\-Somewhere in the distance my children are shaking their heads and telling everyone to excuse their non hilarious mother-

Why did the man keep getting hit by the bike?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

I decided to buy a vault to keep my money in.

Better safe than sorry.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

I would be very productive, but I keep being distracted by two things.

Anything and everything.

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

I keep hearing people yelling "free Britney!!"

That sounds amazing but how do I get myself one?

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

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Why does a blondy keep quiet during sex?

Her mom told her not to talk with strangers.

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

My wife keeps getting mad at me when I introduce her

"Hi guys, this is my ex-girlfriend."

I keep having flashbacks to the time I saw a K-Pop band in concert.

I think I have BTSD.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company...

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

"OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..."

So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations, made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.

That evening testing his new pet, he lea...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

What do you say when you can speak two languages, but keep forgetting vocabulary in both:

I am BYElingual

Everyone says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is a incorrect statement

But I’m starting to think people just aren’t as good at throwing as I am.

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

Where do fish keep their money

River banks.

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

What spice should you always keep at the liquor store to make older women feel younger?

Cardamom

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

I keep seeing all these LGBTQ+ Pride signs everywhere.

I ask people what they mean but can never get a straight answer.

My homeboy Nick L. keeps borrowing money from my other homie Deion but I can't keep watching it happen...

I'm too old to watch Nick L. owe Deion.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

If you set a fire for a man you'll keep him warm for a few hours

But if you set a man on fire you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted.

Because he was outstanding in his field.

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

Melinda Gates should keep her surname, marry Elon Musk then Elon must change his surname.

Then his name would be 'Elon Gates'

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

My coworker keeps farting and trying to convince me that it was me who did it.

I think he's asslighting me.

How does the alchemist keep his lady satisfied?

Elixir.

People keep telling me I have a superiority complex. I don't think that's true

I'm just better than everyone else!

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll post the punchline tomorrow.

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

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Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

A cop stopped a guy for speeding…

Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”

The cop said: “But there is no traffic”

And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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Hey neighbour, your wife keeps winking at me!

I know, she has a tic. Just ignore her.

Too late, I already fucked her!

Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Patient: Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Doctor: Ignore them, they're talking bollocks

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

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A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

How do you keep people who ride 4-wheelers entertained?

A TV

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I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

If you don’t keep up your regular payments to your exorcist...

Your home may be repossessed

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW, (Not Safe For Anyone). How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?...

My cat and dog keep calling each other and talking all day long!!!

I regret now, naming my dog 'Meow' and my cat 'Bow-Wow!'

Where do Russian helicopter pilots keep their drinks?

In Akula

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."

Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."

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A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

Why did the Hispanic man keep purchasing trains?

I'm not quite sure myself honestly but he has to have some sort of locomotive.

What pet do you keep in your car?

Answer: A carpet.

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

A doctor and a lawyer loved the same girl

Everyday the doctor brought her roses, while the lawyer got her an apple, without fail. One day, the girl decides to ask the lawyer why the apples, to which the lawyer replies, “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”

Ever heard of the guy who keeps repeating himself?

Ever heard of the guy who keeps repeating himself?

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

My thermos flask keeps my hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold

But how does it know?

Co-pilot: c'mon you need to tell them, but you must keep them calm.

Pilot: Swimming is fun, right?

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

Why are eggs not good at keeping secrets?

They tend to crack under pressure.

How do you keep a Redditor on the edge?

I will tell you tomorrow.

Why did the yellow dragon keep slipping?

Banana for scale.

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

My wife keeps asking why I need tissues at the end of joyful movies

I told her I always need them after a happy ending.

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

\*\*\*

Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero...

Psychology is key

When the children passed an old house on their way home from school, they were always rubbing their sticks on the balcony railing and enjoying the sound. The older owner, who had been bothered by the noise for a long time, had a really good idea instead of scolding the kids.

He called the chi...

I'm bothered that I keep getting distracted about the idea of smooching one of my enemies.

I need to learn how to foe kiss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just keep calm

I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.

The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . ....

I keep seeing clips from “An Inconvenient Truth” on my YouTube homepage...

Must just be the Al Gore-ithim

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.

This girl from IKEA keeps calling me late into the day

What doesn't she get about one Night Stand?

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

I was so ecstatic to receive an OnlyFans discount that was 69% off, but my friend keeps making fun of it.

I told him that he's just jealous because he's not eligible for that family discount.

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

I hate that parents keep asking me to watch After My Kids

I've looked it up a dozen times, and there is no such movie/show with that name.

People keep talking about black holes

I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night?

They used a baby minotaur.

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

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