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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

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I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

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Why does Trump keep fucking america?

Because it's cheaper than fucking his wife.

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

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My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

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I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away its tiny broom.

Where did Noah keep his bees ?

In the Ark hives.

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse.

He told me the end is neigh

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

Why does water keep changing its state?

Because it's bipolar

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

What do you call a Sikh guy who keeps to himself?

Social Distance Singh.

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

I'll see myself out... you can keep my coat

George said he'd give Wallace £10 if he could jog to the shop and back to get him some laxatives.

Wallace decided to give him a run for his money.

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You guys keep getting this joke wrong. "What is red and bad for your teeth?"

A brick...

Now shut the fuck up.

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

Someone keeps adding soil to my garden!

The plot thickens

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

... If you throw it hard enough

I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water.

Take a pitcher it will last longer

I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

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Caller ID helps keep my wife safe

When she doesn't come home at night, I call her ID and it tells me which bar she's at so I can pick her drunk ass up.

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

My friend keeps beating kids in games

It's fine and all except the game is "Who punches harder?"

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.

Then it hit me.

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

People keep asking me why my keyboard keys keep falling off.

It's not like I have any Ctrl.

My wife keeps asking me how her clothes look. Today she asked me if she should wear a mask.

As usual I said, "Yeah, it makes you look better." Apparently, this time it wasn't the correct answer.

Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much

I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. The first bull growled, "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows!" The second bull snorted, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows!"

The third grunted in agreement, "I've only been here a year and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows!"

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

At 4,70...

Why did the herbivores keep their young away from the t rex

Because he was a predator

A: “You’re not a believer but keep defending religion”

B: “I’m just playing the god’s advocate”

if i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

"Give a man a fire to keep him warm for a night"

"Set a man on fire to keep him warm for his lifetime"

My mom keeps complaining wherever she looks around the house it's dirty.

I told her to clean her glasses.

I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.

No ones given me a straight answer.

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I can't sleep at night because I keep hearing my therapist telling me I have attachment issues

I really need to soundproof my basement

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Q. Where does a fish keep his money?

A: In the River Bank!

A woman's hair keeps bobbing to the side.

So she sings "Carry on my wayward bun."

bah dmm tis

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

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What do you call an icicle that keeps giving you quizzes?

A testicle

Keeping it hot after 50 years of marriage.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

We, Americans have been told to keep practicing social distancing. But I’m curious...

When do we get to do it for real?

Two options for keeping a budget that always has money.

Add a zero or move the decimal point.

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Why does everyone keep saying they’re taking a shit?

As far as I can tell, I only leave a shit.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

People keep telling me to speak to someone about my mental issues

I do! I talk to myself all the time!

I broke up with my girlfriend two years ago and started drinking. I became an alcoholic. My friends keep telling me it's been two years now.

I should stop celebrating.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Unfortunately I've gone bananas, so now I see one everyday.

“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”...

“Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”

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Do you know where a nudist keeps their keys at the beach?

The same place they keep all of thier shit

Patient: Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.







Doctor: Next, please.

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

My local priest keeps scolding me for all my sinning, Jesus died for all our sins, all that stuff.

I am just trying to be helpful. If no one sins, he died for nothing.

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my sister keeps on flipping between being bisexual and gay

it's almost like she can't think straight!

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater

She's starting to sound like my wife

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack ?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

Why are anti-vaxxer's children good at keeping secrets?

Cause they don't live to tell the tale

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about

I still wish she hadn't got one

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

My Christian friend keeps asking me to go to church and I keep refusing.

Friend: Why won't you go to church with me? he asked.

Me: Well you see, I'm Jewish and going to church isn't something we do.

Friend: Well, you just haven't found Jesus yet.

Me: Oh no, that's not it. we definitely found him...

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My family keeps making negative comments about me dating a black woman.

I am tired of hearing 'think of your children.' and 'what do you think will happen if your wife finds out?'

When a man promises to do chores, he will keep the promise.

No need to remind him every six months.

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

Reddit keeps suspending me over my chicken joke

They say its to fowl.

Where does bitish surgeons keep donor organs?

In Liverpool.

I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.

He said I have 2020 vision.

I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer.

Maybe my iPhone is just broken

I needed a place to keep my USDA inspected chicken strip

So I bought a wallet

Now my legal tender is safe

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

My mother claims that raw fish keeps disappearing from our refrigerator

It's the Ghost of sushi, ma

If you keep a rocket in your home

the chances of having a household incident go through the roof

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

After climaxing to near exhaustion, my gf asked me to keep going

I replied, “Come again?”

Why should you always keep a loaded firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Why do Germans keep their problems to themselves?

Because the last time a German talked about his struggles it didn't end well.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

I keep on forgetting what the Roman numerals are for 1, 1000, 51, 6, & 500 are.

I M LIVID

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!"


Always Tolkien in their sleep...

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I keep getting the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia!

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

My friend was unconvinced when I told him someone keeps stealing soil from his allotment.

I thought he’d lost the plot.

Now someone keeps adding more and more.

The plot thickens.

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I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open.

It was a jar.

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

I keep getting unlucky in relationships. My last girlfriend had no personality

And the previous one had 3

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buccan hat.

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What do you call a person who keeps list of all his sexual encounters

Anal-yst

The only person that keeps me from committing suicide

Is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

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I keep thinking about doing the lottery...

But I don't think I'd have the balls to win it.

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

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I keep telling myself not to jack off

But then I came to my senses...

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

I was told to keep quiet at my grandpa's funeral .

I guess they didn't want me to startle grandpa to death.

Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I’m the only one who knows where it itches.

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While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered "You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow."

"Thanks," said the doctor, "I've just never seen a vagina this ugly."

What do dolphins use to keep clean?

Multi-porpoise cleaner.

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

My friend keeps bragging that he can make a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

I have a fan that keeps me up at night...

He’s always cheering me and telling me “you got this!”


Happy Father’s Day all!

I keep chasing my dreams

Then I realise I'm on a treadmill

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