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Keep Jokes

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

[𝑭𝑼𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑻 𝑫𝑬𝑳𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑫𝑼𝑬 𝑻𝑶 𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑫𝑰𝑻 𝑩𝑬𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑨𝑵 𝑨𝑺𝑺]

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British
AI Image Generator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for

I never get a straight answer

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen...

Drat! I meant to post this somewhere else!

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the jud...

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary...

Joke's on them, so are they

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard.

Put up goal posts.

And I'm a lions fan. For some damn reason.

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My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

Where do the fish keep their money?

In the river bank

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

How do you keep an Idiot occupied?

[Click here to find out]( http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1v1wqm/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_occupied/)

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

I have a suspicion that my wife keeps covering my antique weapons in glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Where does a General keep his armies?

In his sleevies

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My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It’s a running gag

I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”

Dad: Records are….always a sound purchase.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

Rename the folder instruction manual.

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

Why did the blonde keep staring into the refrigerator?

Because the orange juice said concentrate.

You can use Twitter to keep up to date with Ross Kemp but you might not enjoy other people’s tweets afterwards because…

It’s a hard actor follow

I keep worrying that my cells will stop metabolising.

But my doctor says I'm just a mitochondriac.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do boobs keep to themselves?

Because they have the company of their breast friend!!

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

The majority of elderly Bulgarians keep their savings in Euro

Some of them - in two Euros

I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll tell you later

Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest...

Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men.

Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

How do ghosts keep in shape?

They exorcise regularly.

As a serial killer, I keep all of my trophies in a snack pack.

The proof is in the pudding.

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat

Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?

On a Lanyard Nimoy

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

I don’t know where to park my boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

Why do Catholic priests keep their girlfriends a secret?

They're afraid of ex-communication.

How do you keep a Trump supporter occupied?

Give me $50 now and I'll tell you in just 4 weeks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear

Isinglass

I’ve got a disease that keeps transforming me into capital cities…..

It’s starting to Hanoi me now.

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

Do you know why Indian sandwich shops keep opening?

Because there is always a New Delhi

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night

set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed

Apparently it's grounds for a divorce

My girlfriend keeps making fun of me because I’m French.

I give up.

How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep telling myself that I must stop masturbating.

Fortunately I don't listen to perverts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a wife are having therapy together, when the man’s wife suddenly blurts out “I just have to know this, therapist. My husband keeps making horse related jokes despite me telling him to stop several times now, and I’m starting to get worried for him. Is that normal, or could he be insane?”

The therapist, confused by this question, looks over to the husband, who responds, “Don’t worry honey, I’m mentally stable.”

How do you keep an idiot waiting?

Give me a second to write it in the comments

People that keep posting things about Vaisakhi, can you all stop please?!

I’m Sikh and tired of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.

The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.

Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.

Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

How do rabbits keep their pelts so clean?

They have hare supplies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

My friends keep asking me for advice..

They want to know how to get all the karma and awards.

I keep telling them it's a piece of cake

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