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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Who keeps the oceans clean?

Mermaids.

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

A 15 year old boy was at the center of the cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

Why can't real numbers keep a secret?

Because they're not discreet

Stalin joke

A debate was raging in the supreme Soviet of the USSR.

The left wing wanted to abolish money as an exchange medium, while the right wing wanted to keep it.

Stalin, in his wisdom, suggested a compromise:

"Some people will have money and some people will have no money"

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

After my wife left me, I sold all her jewelries and bought a Tibetan Mastiff to keep me company.

She's gonna be so mad when she returns from work.

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

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A man starts a new job on a construction site.

The site is 500 miles away from anybody else but it pays good so he's happy to start. On his first day the foreman is showing him around the job site. Where he will be working, sleeping, and everything else. 


While on tour, the man notices a line of men waiting to go behind a wooden fence...

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle b...

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The turkey and the tree

A turkey once lived next to a tree. This tree was so tall he couldn't see its top, and its first branch waa too high for him to climb. The turkey spent much of his life trying to scale it, but to no avail.

One day, a bull is walking by when he sees the turkey sitting there looking sad. "What'...

My brother is having regular intercourse with his best friend an is terrible at keeping it a secret from me

But he does his bestie

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Woman phones pharmacy... ' Hello my husband needs something to keep his d**k up'

Pharmacist 'sounds like he needs viagra, it will keep him long and hard for hours'

Woman 'can you get it over the counter?'

Pharmacist ' if I took 4 or 5 I might......'

What do you say to a 60-year-old who keeps coming back to the same topic.

Ok, boomerang.

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A huge bloke was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I headbutted his wife.

I said to my doctor I might have ADHD.

M: I said to my doctor, "I think I might have ADHD, because I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works"

M: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on...

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

Junior Terrorist

A junior terrorist is thinking of ways to revolutionize the ways terrorism is done and has many ideas ranging from cyber-attacks to psychological warfare to biochemical strikes. The junior terrorist brings these ideas to the senior terrorist that has been with the organization for decades.
T...

Purple Gorilla

A guy is driving down the highway as he sees a sign pointing down the road advertising a purple gorilla. He thinks to himself that there's no way that's true so as he's going down the road, he sees a small building with a label to see this so called purple gorilla. Curious, he parks and walks up to ...

My family keeps telling me I have a serious lunchmeat problem

But I can't just quit cold turkey

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

Came up with this one just now.

One day, a new hobbit moves into the Shire. Frodo is asked to show him around the place

Frodo: Welcome, friend! This is the shire!

Hobbit: Ah, what a lovely spot!

Frodo: *walks to gloomy area* This area right here is a pretty bad place, my friend. It's basically a worse shire.<...

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite. At lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. He asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The hillbilly is impressed so he gets one and brings it in the next day. His cowor...

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

If every child is a gift

Then a foster child is like the gift that keeps on regifting.
@ErikJMoyer

You have to keep an eye out when you start working at a potato factory

You don't want to endsp ud like everyone else, with a chip on their shoulder

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

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My girlfriend has an identical twin, but I know how to keep them apart.

She has long brown hair

And her brother has a penis

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

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Comparing cultures

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was t...

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

My son and I are up at our parents house for Thanksgiving.

My father is a minister, but he keeps some bottles of rum in his office.

We took one and we’ve been sharing it for hours.

It’s great.

Just a father, a son, and a holy spirit.

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Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.

One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.

The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest ...

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

Good Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How doe...

Where do Aussies keep their drug stash?

Out back.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

Teacher vs redditor

*Teacher:* ''Construct a sentence using the word "sugar''
*Redditor:* ''I drank tea this morning.''
*Teacher:* ''Where is the word sugar.''
*Redditor:* ''It is already in the tea..!!''



*TEACHER*: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis.

*TEACHER* : Class, what is photos...

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

I got home and found my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"



I open the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is cold... like I keep saying - that woman is delusional.

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I finally got a girl...

But she keeps trying to break the lock on my basement.

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

I love some of the old saying

Sharing is caring

If you love it let it go

It's the gift that keeps on giving

and feel the burn

are all great, except if you are talking about STDS

I keep getting that Justin Timberlake song about a body of water in the Ukrainian peninsula annexed by Russia stuck in my head.

"Crimea Riverrrrrr"

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Why do geologist keep some of the rocks they collected?

Because it has sedimentary value

The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the s...

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