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Keep Jokes

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

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My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

Where does a General keep his armies?

In his sleevies

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll tell you later

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear

Isinglass

My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte

When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.

The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

I keep telling a joke about a bird that's always flying.

It never lands.

Where do Alaskans keep their money?

Fairbanks

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?

Employee turnover.

I keep thinking I'm an energy producing organelle found in animals.

I'm a mitochondriac.

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My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ...

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

Where do you keep the rebellious chicken?

In the coup

My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.

Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."

What did Master Yoda attribute to keeping his sanity during all those years of solitude?

He said whatever you can do to pass the time anything to make the day-go-ba

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

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To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

What did the anxious cow say to themself to keep moving forward.

It's just one step in front of the udder.

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.

He has a lot of fans.

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BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

Where do fish keep their money?

In the river bank

How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

My flip-flops keep disappearing all the time

That's why I call one of them Houdini and the other one dad

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

Where does the Colonel keep his army?

Up his sleevey

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

My friend got a Scandinavian car but he keep complaining about all the problems he’s having with it.

It’s a really just a “Saab story.”

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

i keep walking in on my Pterodactyl in the bathroom.

Because his P is silent.

Why did the mandalorian keep winning races?

He drove the beskar

My wife keeps discharging all our electrical devices

I think it constitutes grounds for divorce

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

Why does the toilet paper keep winning?

Because it’s on a roll

Why did the Hindu god Vishnu keep losing at chess?

Because every time he made a move, Shiva would destroy the board!

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

"Easy diagnosis", the doctor says. "He's too tense."

I really admire people who keep going despite being in a lot of debt

They really deserve a lot of credit

Late call to the vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, r...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

The missus keeps sorting coins into neat, separate denomination piles

I'm not sure if she has OCD or if she's just going through the change

Everyday I keep telling myself: “Chris, you have to stop drinking, it’s becoming a serious problem ”

Thank god my names not Chris

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9 out of 10 men keep their eyes closed during sex

I have to keep mine open to look out for my wife

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

My girlfriend said that if I keep pointing out features of our house to her, she'd leave me.

"Well," I said to her, "there's the door..."

The perpetrator killed the victim by keeping him in a temperature chamber set to 1C

The sentence was first degree murder.

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Everyone keeps calling my dog “he”

I’m like, “Bitch, please”

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Why did the blonde keep staring into the refrigerator?

Because the orange juice said concentrate.

Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away . . .

. . . Especially if you throw it at him

I'm sick and tired of my Bonnie Tyler satnav.

It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart.

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

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Did I tell you about this reoccurring dream I keep having, the one where i masturbate into the ocean?

Comes in waves.

(oc)

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

My wife keeps telling me that I have no sense of empathy.

I have no idea why she feels that way.

Why does Mrs. Dracula have a hard time sleeping with her husband?

Because he keeps coffin!

A badass is driving with his friend in a Ferrari, and he speeds past a red light

His friend shouts, "What are you doing?! You just ran that light!"

"I'm just a badass like that, what can I say?" He laughs.

He continues to speed through each red light, and his friend cowers and shouts at his friend all the way.

"I can't take it anymore! We're going to get hi...

I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for.

But no one is giving me a straight answer.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

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A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me...

That the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery.

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

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An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...

I call my cat that keeps escaping “Rasputin”

He was a cat that really was gone.

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

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My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad

My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad.

"Quit pissing off the roof. Quit pissing off the balcony. Quit pissing off the diving board."

My girlfriend is so loud and bulimic….

I’m always telling her to “keep it down”

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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I keep seeing advertisements encouraging people to donate blood...

But every time I try to donate they have too many questions for me, like:

"Who's blood is this?!"
and
"Where did you get it?"

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

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My wife keeps complaining how unfair it is that I played no part in the birth of our daughter...

when I feel like I in fact played the *semenal* role

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

I had a go at my local Chinese the other day, as they keep putting their prices up.

They said it was because their electricity bill was 10 grand a month. I said they should turn off some of their lights then. They said they can't turn them all off, but they do dim sum.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

A Fighter, a Rogue, a Wizard and a Cleric walk into a dungeon...

The fighter says "Keep an eye out for mimics!"

"Got it!" said the Rogue.

"No problem!" said the Wizard.

"Of course!" said the Cleric.

"Psh! Mimics aren't real!" said the treasure chest.

I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague

Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

I think I’ve developed a phobia of German sausages

I keep on fearing the wurst

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.

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Keep ‘em Dry!

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench and enjoying a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain. One of the grannies digs in her purse and pulls out a condom from it’s wrapper. She slides her cigarette inside the rubber and smiles, now her cigarette won’t get soaked by the rain.
“Mary, wher...

YouTube keeps showing me videos of vice-presidents dancing.

Must be the Al Gore Rhythm…

What keeps members of a dysfunctional family together?

Crazy Glue

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

I’ve heard it’s impressive to keep your Reddit account more than a year without being banned.

To me it’s a piece of cake.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman

with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 d...

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