I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

This time last year I was depressed and miserable, but I've turned it around.

I'm now miserable and depressed.

I didn’t know my girlfriend after she turned vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

Dr. Watson turned to Sherlock Holmes and asked what’s your favourite tree Sherlock.

“It’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson”

What do you call Doctor Strange when he has turned into a basket filled with vegetables?

Benedict Cucumber-batch

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye Matey

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese?

Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am... Independent!

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

Are used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Feel free to Boo me!

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

Today my life got turned upside down...

ǝɟᴉl ʎɯ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened when gravity was first turned on?

Shit went down

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

I told my friend I was going to get a tattoo of all my friends when I turned 18.

He said "You're going to have a very small tattoo."

Did you hear about the guy who was captured by cannibals and turned into a canoe?

Don't worry. He's in ship shape now.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

What did the Aussie say when he turned 8?

Oi mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woman in the porn sounded like a dying dog, then I turned of the sound...

Still it sounded like a dying dog. Then I remembered that I work for PETA and I never turned on the sound in first place.

I asked a emo girl out yesterday but got turned down.

She's probably just waiting for her prince harming.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The te...

That turned a dark turn

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"

Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."

The doc says "Well, ha...

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“

The son takes the $50 a...

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so handsome, I once turned someone gay.

Admittedly they were a girl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

Went to my yoga class today and my instructor turned up blind drunk.

Put me in a really awkward position.

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My intern keeps on telling customers puns. Recently he made a really bad pun and a customer turned around and asked, "Who said this shit?"

Pun Intern Did

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, with tears in his eyes, he turned to me and said

You know one birthday could would've been enough

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

My girlfriend turned vegan.

If you ask me, that's a big missed steak.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally turned off the basement lights while my wife was still down there.

I thought she’d be really upset, but turns out she was delighted.

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I closed Reddit, turned off my phone and stood up.

I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

What turns itself off when it's turned on...

Guys called Jack.

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

One trucker turned to another...

...And handed him a 10 dollar bill. The second trucker asked "What's the 10 for good buddy?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend once asked what I would do if my child turned out to be a flat-earther and I was dumbfounded

Still amazed that there are dumb nuts out there who think the planet is round and shit.

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

If you get turned on by dirty talk...

Does that mean your genitals are voice activated?

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

Today I turned 69.

It didn't make a difference.

My dyslexic friend just turned up at the toga party

Dressed as a goat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

credit: u/Brailledit

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.