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Turned Jokes

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?

Aye Matey!

The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I waited in a really long line that turned out to be fake.

It was a giant faux queue.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

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A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

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My bedside lamp turned into a butterfly this morning.

Last time I buy a cheap larva lamp.

I turned 31 today

I'm in the prime of my life

What do you call it when you get turned on by a journalist?

Wet from the press

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

Robin turned and shouted, "The Batmobile won’t start!" Batman growled, "Check the battery!" Puzzled, Robin wondered...

"What’s a tery?"

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The te...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

My toenails turned green, shrank, and started smelling like mint.

My doctor says I have a rare condition called Tic Tac Toes.

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

The doctor turned to the nurse and whispered...

"I've really had it up to here with these university researchers"

"Why's that, doc?"

"They're testing my patients!"

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I get turned on when people leave...

I think I'm Byesexual!

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A old couple is in bed, lights turned off and making conversation.

The man asks: “how many partners have you had before meeting me?” . His wife thinks and a few seconds later answers: “ I have been with maybe 4 or 5 before you. What about you” she then asks her husband. Seconds, and minutes go by and no answers. “Are you sleeping” she asks, slightly annoyed. The hu...

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

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My son turned 18 recently. I immediately threw out his spoiled, rotten ass.

I'm donating the rest of his corpse to science.

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

Mathematician turned rapper.

One day a math teacher decided that she wanted to follow her dreams of being a rapper, but she needed a stage name.

After a bit of thinking she finally settles on the name “Absolute Value”.

Why absolute value? Because she’s got the bars!

The Mayor of a Town gets turned into a Horse

The Mayonnaise

Just turned wine into barf.

Your move, Jesus.

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On Monday I turned up to a zoo

I was expecting it to be good fun, But there was nothing but a singular dog. It was a shit-zu

After my friend turned vegan...

It was like I'd never seen herbivore

If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...

They wouldn't turn me down anymore.

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

He turned invisible!

Three friends are at the pub, telling stories to each other.

"... I swear Frank, I turned around and suddenly I couldn't see it anymore. It must have turned invisible. Invisible, I tell you."

" Or it just got away? Maybe it fell?"

"Invisible! INVISIBLE, I TELL YOU! It was as inv...

I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car

They missed

i saw a guy today who looked sort of hot, but when i got closer i realized he was homeless and i was turned off

i never knew i was such a bigot, but in that moment, i realized i'm nohomophobic.

“Your music is turned up way too loud!”

they used to tell me.

But I haven’t heard that for a long time.

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How the tables have turned!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into t...

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

Tables turned

We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my Mormon neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

Billie Eilish just turned 18...

...now she’s too old for Drake.

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

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