What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy wor...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

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What happened when gravity was first turned on?

Shit went down

What did the Aussie say when he turned 8?

Oi mate

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

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If my son ever turned out to be gay...

I definitely wouldn't turn my back on him

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.

That sentence was way too long.

That turned a dark turn

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

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Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"

Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."

The doc says "Well, ha...

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

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As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“

The son takes the $50 a...

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I'm so handsome, I once turned someone gay.

Admittedly they were a girl

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The te...

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, with tears in his eyes, he turned to me and said

You know one birthday could would've been enough

I lost both my kidneys when I turned 18.

Thankfully, they were immediately replaced by two adult knees.

Did you hear about the cleaning wipe that turned out to be a dirty liar?

It was a lie-sol

What do you call a former stripper turned mathematician?

The thot that counts.

Went to my yoga class today and my instructor turned up blind drunk.

Put me in a really awkward position.

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My intern keeps on telling customers puns. Recently he made a really bad pun and a customer turned around and asked, "Who said this shit?"

Pun Intern Did

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?

He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

My girlfriend turned vegan.

If you ask me, that's a big missed steak.

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

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I accidentally turned off the basement lights while my wife was still down there.

I thought she’d be really upset, but turns out she was delighted.

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I closed Reddit, turned off my phone and stood up.

I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”

Did you know that Solar Radiation has turned the American Flags on the Moon White?

Great... Now people will think France has been there

I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.

I turned 18 today, so I bought myself a locket and put my picture in it. I guess I really am

Independent

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

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A friend once asked what I would do if my child turned out to be a flat-earther and I was dumbfounded

Still amazed that there are dumb nuts out there who think the planet is round and shit.

One trucker turned to another...

...And handed him a 10 dollar bill. The second trucker asked "What's the 10 for good buddy?"

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

If you get turned on by dirty talk...

Does that mean your genitals are voice activated?

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

My dyslexic friend just turned up at the toga party

Dressed as a goat

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

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When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

What would happen if the flat earthers turned out to be right?

We'd all be domed!

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

credit: u/Brailledit

Today I turned 69.

It didn't make a difference.

Farted on the bus today and four people turned around....

Felt like I was on The Voice.

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

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My new Asian mail order bride turned up last month.

Sadly, she has all the "Asian" stereotypes.... including a very tiny penis.

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

What did the solid say when it turned into plasma?

“Oops, I just passed gas”

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

I turned 23 today.

Wow, I am truly in my prime.

Did you hear about the well-meaning stripper who turned her life around and began a career at the census office?

She might not be very good, but it's the thot that counts.

If Mozart turned into a zombie...

He'd be a famous decomposer.

An aspiring actor turned thief has broken into Sydney Opera House.

Sources say he stole the spotlight.

Whenever I undress in my bathroom,

my shower gets turned on.

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

Did you guys hear how boring the annual gathering of reddit mascots turned out?

It really turned into a huge Snoo's fest.

When I turned 25, mom finally let me drink for the first time!

Who knew water was so refreshing!

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



When I turned 40 years old I started delivering babies but kept making errors

I was having a midwife crisis

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