Just turned wine into barf.

Your move, Jesus.

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

From the time I was 5 until I turned 16, my Dad would beat me every night...

but if he'd have let me win, I wouldn't be the checkers player I am today!

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

“So Jesus,” God said, “You said that when you saw the money-changers in the temple you…turned into a tiny crucifix?”

“No,” Jesus said, “I said I became a little cross!”

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

Alfred Nobel lived in poverty but soon turned around his fortune and became one of the richest people in world in just a decade ......

Quite an explosive growth I've to say

A husband wanted to surprise his wife on their anniversary by putting a little bow tie on his manhood, but got worried she wouldn't notice it after she turned out the lights.

She found it touching.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I had a dream I turned into a young chicken and had trouble changing back to being a human.

Luckily, I was able to pullet off...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

How do you call a fish that's turned on

A sam-ON

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..

.. this isn't for me.

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "I...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts.

He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."

If you’re a furry, and get turned on by chickens

Are you a Hen-Thigh enthusiast?

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

When we got married, my partner turned into A wife.

After our first big argument I started referring to her as my B wife.

She's now up to S wife with just 5 more chances before she becomes the X wife.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Just realized that you do the same thing to women and light switches when they’re turned on

You flick em off

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I was just fired from my job so I turned in my gun and badge

The other cashiers were quite concerned

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.”

I replied “Well, which one are you then?”

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you."

He was being too forward.

Today I turned 50 years old and I still don't need glasses...

I drink straight out of the bottle.

Manuel turned his life around.

He used to be sad and lonely.

Now he's lonely and sad.

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

I turned to my wife last night

I turned to my wife last night and said ......."I'm into anal".

She gave me a look of despair, glared at me and then said "Animal".

I just love it when we do the cryptic crossword together!

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I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbor."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver turned to me and said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, no one tells me what to do!"

Then I told him to turn left.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

A friend of mine bought an old plane, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant.

I don’t think it will take off.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

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Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

Tables turned

We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my Mormon neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

I once turned down a farm job because it called for haulin’ oats.

I told them, “I can’t go for that.”

This is my friend’s joke - original, supposedly. Posting it here for feedback.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese...

I say this with a heavy Hart.

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

Lately I've been getting turned on every time I see someone cut in two on my tv shows

So yeah I guess I'm bisectual

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

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