Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

Wife was cleaning 13 year old son's room

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

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I walked into my sister's room and slipped on her bra

I swear she set a booby trap

How much room is needed for a fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

I couldn't find my hotel room

I recently went to Wisconsinand checked into a hotel. I took the key at the reception and got onto the elevator to the 4th floor. Walked up and down the corridor but my room was nowhere to be found.
Then giving up all hope, I called the reception from corridor and told them the situation.
...

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

What do you call it when you put two people with mono in one room?

Stereo

What temperature is room temperature on Tatooine?

Luke Warm

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At the therapist's room

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *screams*

Therapist: are you okay?

Me: *screaming intensifies*

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

I recently bought my friend an elephant for his room

He tried to thank me, I said don't mention it

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

I always feel like I’m the smartest person in the room

I’m very lonely :(

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

A hole has been discovered in the swimming pool changing rooms.

The police are looking into it.

You're locked in a room with no doors and no windows, just a table and a mirror. How do you escape?

You look in the mirror. See what you saw. Use the saw to cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out the hole.

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Have you ever imagined being in a room with everyone you've had sex with?

That thought is the reason I hate family reunions.

No service at hotel room

I called into the hotel reception for room service. After my 5th call went unanswered, I walked up to the hotel reception angrily asking why they weren't answering.

Reception : "Extremely sorry sir. What's your room number?"
Me : "Room number 503"
Reception : "Something went wrong. 503 ...

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans...

I said "Who is this guy?"

My grandpa replied "My hip replacement!"

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

Imagine being in a room

Imagine being completely naked in a room where everyone is several times your height, everyone speaks a foreign language, and they all want to touch you.

This is the life of a dog.

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Tim and John are hanging out in Tim's room

Tim tells John to look at him quickly. When he does, Tim has his pants down and farts right in his face.

John says confused "Why'd you fart in my face for?"

"I didn't fart in your face, my ass sneeze in your face just happened to be there," Tim says laughing.

...

My friend is always the smartest person in the room.

Mainly because he has bad taste in rooms.

A patient and a doctor are in a room

Patient: I think I have a brain tumor

Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

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A mathematician and an engineer are in a room with a naked woman

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.

The mathemat...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

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(NSFW) A Man walks in to his son's room and says..

Son, if you don't stop masturbating you'll go blind!

The Son says "I'm over here, Dad".

Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

What do you get when you put 100 sailors in 1 room?

A lot of seamen

So I bought a miniature airbus and hung it on display in my living room, but nobody seems to notice it.

It's a little plane.

A young married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to repaper the dining room.

They call on a neighbor who has a dining room the same size and ask,“How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?”
“Seven,” he says.
So the couple buys seven rolls of expensive paper, and they start papering. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dini...

Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms?

Everything is finger licking good.

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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp'...

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

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What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

A doctor walks into his examining room.

A doctor walks into his examining room and puts his hand on his patient’s shoulder.

With a solemn look on his face, the doctor tells the patient “you’re dying. You don’t have very much time left.”

“Oh no!” the patient says. “How much longer do I have?”

The doctor says “Ten.”...

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An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio.

Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

I like my celebrities the way I like my attempts to clean my room...

...vain.

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At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs...

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

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A female lieutenant walked into a shower room. She sees a sergeant and two men, and walks up to them...

Lieutenant: good God, put your privates away!
The sergeant is confused for a second, but then says: private Smith, private Jones, you are dismissed to dinner!
The female lieutenant watches ad the two men walk away, and then turns to the sergeant and says: alright, now that your privates are aw...

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Wher...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh...

Me: *(scratches head with gun)* Man... I hate when this happens.

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My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock.

He gave me a confused look, so I replied "here, I'll show you", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: "You asshole!! It's 3AM!!"

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Man walks into a brothel and asks how much.

Prostitute: "it's €250 for a ride or €100 for a blowjob."

Man: "that's way too expensive" as he turns to leave.

P: "for €20 you can have a Penguin"

M: "what's a Penguin?"

P: "no more questions, take it or leave it, €20 for a penguin"

The man thinks about it and dec...

Some people say I'm really good at blowing air around the room

But honestly, I'm not a fan

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complai...

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"

God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was appare...

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"Why did you call me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and...

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

What room has no doors?

A mushroom

Vets waiting room

Two dogs in a vets waiting room. 1st dog is old, grey around the muzzle has a bad limp and smells bad.

2nd dog, much younger, says to the old dog, '' Why are you here today '' Old dog replies, ''I am going to be put to sleep, i'm in very bad health, and my time has come''

Young dog...

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The girl in the room across the across the hall is an insatiable nymphomaniac and the best lay I've ever had!

But we have to fuck quietly so we don't wake our mum and dad.

Going to my son’s room is like going to IKEA

I just go to have a look and I come out with 6 glasses, 2 plates, 3 towels and a ton of socks.

I was at the museum the other day and saw my ex at the other end of the room

I was about to say hi but there is too much history between us

Why do Germans always have a tiny living room?

They tried and failed to expand it before.

"Where are you?"

"I'm in between the kitchen and drawing-room."

"Can't you just say you're in your home?"

"Then why did you call my landline."

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

What do you get when you have a room full of happy people toasting shot glasses to stoned ghosts?

High Spirits

Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

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Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.


"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.


"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: *WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATE...

What Do You Call A Muslim Locked In A Room?

A Man In Q’arantine

Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

I'm like a dining room table.

No longer part of the family.

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Men's locker room humor is like my wife's orgasms

She never gets it

My room mate says I have a split personality.

Jokes on him... I don't have a room mate.

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Two kids go into a dining room and see there a man they've never seen before.

They ask him: "Are you our new babysitter?"

He responds: "No, I'm your new motherfucker."

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

Where do you go when you can't find a room in any hotel?

To the last resort

A woman walked into her doctor’s examination room complaining of pain all over her body.

The doctor walked in, and asked, “What seems to be the trouble?”

“Well, doctor,” said the woman, “when I touch my leg here, it hurts, when I touch my arm over here it hurts, when I touch my breast it hurts, everything hurts! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The doctor thought for a ...

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

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A blind man once walked into his friend's room while he was ejaculating.

He did not see that cumming.

A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.

But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can. The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush so he follows his instructions. The man hovers over him and quickly ties the bow tie. The boy sits up...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

Two men are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.

"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.

"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

A vegan and an introvert walk into a room which one tells you what they are first?

None; the person who hasn't watched "a single episode of Game of Thrones" beat them to it.

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

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My son told me to stop coming into his room...

I tried to explain to him that it’s just his pillows and sheets not the entire room, still don’t think he wants me in there... fucking kids

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap,...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

I took my 3 month old into the baby changing room at supermarket today

but there was only a ginger baby there so I kept the one i've got.

An old couple are sitting in their living room.

The old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.



Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman....

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Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

Laughing gas got leaked in a room.....

Laughing gas got leaked in a room. Man, it was a funny smell..

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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

The looked shocked I didn't stop

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