This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead


This was in r/Karmacourt; case was thrown out

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.

Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"Why did you call me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: My wife and I are now sleeping in different rooms.

Friend: What do you do if you want sex?

Me: I whistle.

Friend: What if your wife wants sex?

Me: She comes to my door and asks me if I whistled.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle ...

On a room full of doctors, how do you find the gynecologist?

It's easy. It's the one with the watch on his elbow.

My wife began to address the elephant in the room.

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

What do you do when you'r wife is screaming at you in the living room

Shorten the chain from the kitchen

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek


But, the husband suddenly returns from his job


Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy


Boy: -Its dark here

Lover: -Yeah

B: - Wanna buy my ball?

L: -No

B: - My father is right outside...

L: -How m...

I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today’s job market.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with Parkinson's disease to turn off the lights!

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies in the OB waiting room.

The first woman takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."

The second takes out a pill and says, "I want my baby to have heal...

/u/username hates the hotel room he’s currently staying in.

Username checks out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”

“No it’s just regular, you weirdo.”

Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

How much room does a fungi need?

As mushroom as possible

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the seco...

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are each in their own rooms, who is the hottest?

Whoever forgot to turn on the air conditioner.

Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...

Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.

In a booming voice God said, “Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.”

Obama asked, “Will there ever be another black president?”

God replied, “Yes. But not during your lifetime.”

Tru...

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home, the tables were turned.

Room 39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.


\-The client: is room 39 empty?
\-The boss: yes, sir.
\-The client: can I book it?
\-The boss: of course you can.
\-The client: thank you.


Before going to th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Funny how you can get charged $250 for smoking in a hotel room...

but you can cum on everything and nobody cares.

Several men are in the locker room.........

.......... of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found...

What does a room full of cats, and a woman of certain age have in common?

They both have many paws (say fast)

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the cl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends lived in a room!!

Their names were Somebody, Nobody, Mad, Brain, Fool..

One day Somebody killed Nobody. At that time Brain was in bathroom and Mad called police..

Mad: Is it police station??
Police: Yes, what's the matter??
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!
Police: What?? Are you mad?
Mad: Yes, I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

A guy walks into a hotel

He asks at the front desk for his reservation .

The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.

The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.

After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room

T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my brother masturbating in his room when I was seven

I asked him what he’s doing. He didn’t want mum to know about this and told me he’s practising Chinese kungfu. I shall never forget the day when I volunteered to demonstrate Chinese kungfu in front of everyone in class.

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

After the wedding, the groom’s younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting

while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
“It will be your turn after your brother”, my father promised me.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

We had a spider in our room..

My girlfriend told me to take it out,

Seems like a nice guy,
Wants to be a web developer.

I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..

When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4

A man picks up a prostitute and they go to a motel room.

She excuses herself to go to the bathroom, while the man makes himself comfortable on the bed.
The prostitute comes out a few minutes later to find the guy jacking off. "What are you doing?!" she says.
"Well," he says, "you didn't think you were going to get the easy one, did you?"

What do kids like to play in a room infested with ants?

The floor is larva.

Son walks into the living room and says to his Dad

"Dad I think im going crazy, every time I walk past the fridge I can hear the Bee Gees"...
"Oh thats nothing" replies the Dad, "its just the chives talking".

No ashtrays in the hotel room

Looks like smokings out the window

What do you call 64 white guys in one room

One full Cherokee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the fathe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible t...

In English class I did an essay on The Room for my assignment

The teacher gave me a hi mark

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old men, Peter and Mike, are sitting in their room at the Senior Home....

When all of the sudden an elderly woman kicks open the door, opens her robe and yells SUPER PUSSY! Mike turns to Peter and says "what did she say?" Peter says "she said Super Pussy" Mike looks back at the lady gives her a quick once over with his eyes, looks back over to Peter and says "Tell her I'l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents found bondage gear that i’ve been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.


My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.

So i started leaving it out in the open.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I came out of a dark room, dazed, exhausted and my butt really hurt...

spin classes are not for me.

Researchers from the University of Minnesota just discovered a material that superconducts at room temperature.

Seems the heating went out last night.

Why can’t two doctors be in the same room?

Because it would create a paradox

I tried watching the movie 'Panic Room' the other day,

But I just couldn't get into it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes

You patient.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom decides to clean her sons room.

Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"

Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

A. As mushroom as possible

&#x200B;

Too soon ?

So, one day a boy hears yelling and commotion coming from his parents room

He goes into the room to investigate, and he sees his parents in the act. They begin to laugh hard, and the son runs back to his room.

A little while later, the father hears yelling and screaming coming from his son’s room. The father then goes into his room to investigate, and sees the boy...

In a room of 50 men, one from every state, how do you find the ones from Arizona, North Dakota, and Alabama?

To find the Arizonan: say "wow, you won't believe how hot it was today!"

To find the North Dakotan: say "wow, you won't believe how cold it was today!"

To find the Alabamian: say "wow, you won't believe how close I am with my sister!"

I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

She said “Yes, You’re in your mid 30s, single , live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !"

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A very little girl enters a room where her father and elder brother were talking.

"Hi Papa!" the girl says.

"Good morning, Promises." The father replies.

"Papa, why is brother sad?" Promises asks.

"Condoms just found out that I named you two after things that I have broken."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...

Santa took 3 prostitutes back to his hotel room and ha 3 words to say to them

Who's going first?

So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“
The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.

She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?

Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I opened my eyes sitting in a very dark room

I could only distinguish a vague shadow in front of me. I tried standing up, only to realise that I had been tied to the cheap metal chair. I grunted and tried to remember how I had gotten here. Last night I walked out of the club, a bit tipsy, and suddenly all went black. Ugh, I don’t know what hap...

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

&#x200B;

"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now *that’s* how to have...

Did you hear about that photographer that got locked in his dark room?

By the time they found the body he'd died of exposure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbel...

One of the nurses came over when she saw me crying in the waiting room.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't believe it," I wept, "I reversed my car into my mother-in-law."

"Sir, I can assure you that she'll be perfectly fine," the nurse replied.

I said, "Exactly."

You're stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, and only three matches. How do you escape?

Strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home and finds his grandma in the living room, sitting down. He asks her "hey, grandma...have you seen my pills? they say LSD on them.”

The grandma looks at the boy and says "fuck that, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

Big city teacher gets a job in rural Alabama. One room school, all grades...

Teacher can't get any of these kids to learn basic math so she tries a new tack..."If there are 3 crows on a telephone line and a farmer comes out and shoots one, how many are left?"
Troublesome kid says "none". She replies "3 minus 1 is 2...why don't you get that?". Kid says if you shoot one t...

I was in a hospital waiting room.

There was a sign on the door near me that said: "Medical services here...You won't get better."

So I left.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room..

It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

You never see me and batman in the same room

We're not on speaking terms at the moment.

My mother heard me in her room and started yelling...

My mother heard me in her room and started yelling,


I don't know what your into but I'm going to spank your ass.




I yelled back " jokes on you that is what I'm into"

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

A nurse enters a doctor’s office - “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor - “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

An elderly man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come i...

She caught my eye from across the room

And she didn't even get grossed out when she saw me wink my empty socket. She's a keeper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pyromaniac, sadist, zooaphile, necrophile, massicist, and a cat are in a room...

The sadist remarks: let’s torture the cat!
The pyro says: let’s torture the cat and then set it on fire!
The zooaphile says: let’s torture the cat, then have sex with it, then set it on fire!
The necrophile says: let’s torture the cat, then have sex with it, then set it on fire, then have s...

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

You’re like a flower.

You’ll be dead in my living room in two weeks, but you’re staying for three.