John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

How to become a millionaire:

Step One: Be a billionaire

Step Two: Short sell $GME

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What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

Found an old joke from a 1953 newspaper: What do naughty Egyptian girls become?

Mummies, I guess.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

Will glass coffins ever become popular?

Remains to be seen.

My friend told me he was going to become a vegetarian

I told him that would be a big missed steak

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

I was so excited when my son left for college to become a clockmaker...

...Until he dropped out after a semester. Turns out, he thought studying Horology was something completely different.

I think I’m gonna go to school to become an elevator mechanic...

...although I’ve heard the job has some serious ups and downs.

When I was younger, I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who starves for attention and tries to get everyone to look at them but

Look at me now!

Why did the shy person not become a Marxist.

Because he is not a Social-ist

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As a child, my wife wanted to become a mechanic for National Express but never followed that dream, which is a shame.

I'd love to see her under a fucking bus.

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My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

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A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, “This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.”

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, “You may spe...

Becoming a lawyer

I finally got my test results back to find out if I'm going to become a lawyer, before I could open them, my buddy asked me to meet up for some drinks to celebrate.
After following his bad directions, I finally find the place.
When I walked in, I said "sorry I'm late, but I passed the bar".

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

How long will it be before Kamala Harris becomes president?

I don’t know, but for now, she’s just Biden her time.

A conversation about how to become a rich

John - My friend just finished writing a book " How to get money" and now he needs money to publish it.

Smith : Tell him to read the book

My Friend really changed once she become a vegetarian...

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

What causes certain people to become furries ?

Furomones

A woman marries a man named Bert. What does Bert become?

Herbert

If I you ever become a ghost and want to start an airline company, what should you call it?

Booing Incorporealated.

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

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Angel: "Mary, you will become pregnant while remaining a virgin."

Mary: "No fucking way?!"

Angel: "Yes the no fucking way."

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

I read an article which said that I could become an optimist in 7 weeks.

I doubt it.

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

What do you call a lawyer that becomes a priest?

A father in law!

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

You know, I think I wanna become a farmer.

I’d get so many chicks...

It was my childhood dream to become a painter...

ever since my doctor first told me I was artistic.

Trump is about to become the only President to be impeached twice

He's desperate to prove that anything a Democrat can do, he can do better and in half the time.

Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle

My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?
Me:No he wants to become one to

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle?

A jarring experience.

Given enough time, everything becomes new again... however, this is definitely a repost

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.
Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to chan...

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to become a professional Hockey player?

The only problem was.. is that he never wanted to score after the first period.

A ship, sailing past an island, finds a man there who had become stranded alone years earlier. The commander disembarks to rescue the man and sees three huts.

"What's that first hut there?", he asks.
"Oh, that's my house", replies the castaway.
"What about that second hut there?"
"That's my church."
"And what about the third one over there?"
"That?", replies the man, disdainfully. "That's the church I used to go to."

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Joke that has recently become popular in Russia in light of recent protests

- Dad, which concentration camp are we going to?
- Dunno, son, I’m not interested in politics.

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

What happens when old Nintendo consoles become obsolete?

People Switch.

My girl left me to become an astronaut.

She said she needed some space.

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

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A new drink has become the latest craze.

Bars are now serving the Dickens Cider, a popular drink among many women.
It started gaining popularity when someone decided to serve it warm, greatly improving its taste, with posts all over social media about how good it is, one video in particular having a lady drink 2 whole pints in one go!...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

I am 1/4, but if you add 5 I become 1/3. What am I?

15 minutes

The Capitol rioters could soon become angels

If only Trump manages to persuade them to storm the Pentagon next

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My tastes in porn have become very eccentric due to being single and alone for so long during the quarantine. But I've vowed to change after what I watched last night...

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I've come to this."

How do dolphins become happy?

They produce endolphins!

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

Why did Ben Shapiro become a dentist?

Because plaques don’t care about your fillings.

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

His drill slipped

Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ?

University

Why Did You Become A Bus Driver?

“Why did you become a bus driver?”

“To overcome my biggest fear.”

“Driving?”

“Dying alone.”

Today I become one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

A job of guard at the Samsung store has always been my dream.

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

Did you know bees become indecisive after April?

They become maybees.

Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?

Because his doctor said stake was bad for his heart.

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

Two old buddies meet at a bar to catch up. One has become a doctor, the other a mechanic.

After a few beers loosen their tongues the mechanic says. "I don't get why you doctors get so much more respect than us mechanics. We basically do the same job. We both just repair and maintain a complex machine."

"Oh yeah?" Says the doctor, "Next time you're changing a spark plug, try doing...

My friend's and I have made an allegiance to become lumberjacks during times of military conflict.

It's called the War Saw Pact

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

I've been training to become the next Superman.

My progress is slowly but surely improving.

i just gotta get used to wearing my underwear over my pants.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

Why do anyi-vaxxers wish that Eminem become a doctor and immunize their kids?

You would only get one shot.

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician.

But they'll see, they'll all see!

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

Despite my deathly egg allergy, I’ve managed to become the world’s greatest French pastry chef. All it takes is hard work, determination, and most importantly...

No des oefs.

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,0...

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

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An old Jew becomes rich and retires on a large tract of land. He invites his friend to pay him a visit.

An old Jew becomes rich and retires on a large tract of land. He invites his friend to pay him a visit. The friend asks "It's great that you're living out here, but how are you supposed to go to temple?"

The old Jew replies and says, "that's not a problem, I built three temples for me to at...

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I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little.

On Mondays - Thursdays, i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer. Being a stripper is challenging.

If Ursula turned the Little Mermaid into a piece of clothing, what would Ariel become?

A shoe, complete with a poor, unfortunate sole!

TIL if someone steals uranium, it becomes...

...theiranium.

What did Yoda use to become a baby again?

A manDeLorean.

There was once a dyslexic who decided to become a pimp

but ended up buying a warehouse

My love life has become like my bank card..

Contact less.

To become a MI6 agent, three candidates must face one final test...

The candidates, two men and a woman, are given a gun and told that their significant others are tied to a chair and that, one by one, they must enter and shoot them to pass the test.

The first man enters and after a few minutes, comes back out, tears streaming down his face, sobbing that he ...

How did the Mongol empire become so large?

One steppe at a time

I've become a hangman's apprentice.

He showed me the ropes.

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My wife said sex has become a chore.

So for mothers day I've hired her some help.

I am going to become a bomb defuser.

It is one job where....

Either i'm right.

Or suddenly its not my problem anymore.

One morning, an atheist was walking through a beautiful forest

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled

He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside

He thought to himself: "what a beautiful world mother nature has created"

The atheist had walked a little fu...

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

When I post a joke on my ten year cake day, it automatically becomes a dad joke.

It's become full groan...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.

They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

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To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

In 500 years when computers become sentient ai beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...

New Roman.”

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

I didn't become a surgeon for the money; I didn't do it for the fame either

I just didn't become a surgeon

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Do girls with daddy issues become strippers?

Take the poll and find out.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

I'm doing a course to become a pest controller. Did really well in my exam today....

Got a bee.

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