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Thinking Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

A friend told me my thinking is too one-dimensional.

I can't imagine y.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

A recently married man says to his friend: "My wife and I are thinking of going on our honeymoon to northern Italy"

Friend: "How lovely, Genoa?"

"Well if I didn't I certainly wouldn't have married her"

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

I’m thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven’t touched it in years.

I was thinking about starting my own bakery...

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A blonde is thinking:

How the hell does my brother have four sisters when I only have three?

I was thinking about creating glass coffins… will they be popular?

Remains to be seen……

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There I was, sitting on the toilet, late for work, thinking to myself...

I do not have time for this shit.

I'm thinking of removing my spine

It's only holding me back.

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

I was thinking that the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

It turned out to be the refrigerator!

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

I'm thinking of starting a reading program for inmates...

...but I'm still figuring out the prose and cons.

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

I was thinking of dressing up as a Band-Aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.

It would be really hard to pull off.

Been thinking about taking a job as a mirror installer....

I could see myself doing that work.

I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK Stupid.

Binary thinking isn't always helpful.

But sometimes it is!

I was thinking

I was thinking about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

My flasher friend said he was thinking about retiring from the game

But I convinced him he should stick it out a bit longer

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”

“What type of book is it?”

“An autobiography.”

What do you call a crustacean who's always thinking of himself?

Shellfish!

I was thinking of making a chemistry joke

But I was unable to find a base

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?

He decided he’d stick it out one more year.

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it...

"Get a load of this guy"

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

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I was thinking about getting a mule

But I’ve heard they do a half ass job

So I got to thinking today...

Can't believe it took me this long to unlock it on my skill tree.

I was thinking of making a Groundhog Day style movie with Keanu Reeves as a teenager

Working title is john constant teen

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

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