I am thinking about getting a job cleaning mirrors

I could see myself doing that

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was thinking the other day, why don't they just put advertisements on the Hulk?

Essentially hes just a giant Banner.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...

...I’m just after my money.

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

Thinking of starting a bakery supply business

The whisks are great but so are the wewards.

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

Did you guys hear they’re thinking about closing the Philadelphia mint?

Im not opposed, it just makes cents

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

I'm thinking of making an app that steals from the poor and gives to the rich...

I'm gonna call it 'Robbin' the hood'

I'm thinking of joining a gym.

I'm keeping mentally active.

Joke I just thought up: What did the orphan say to the Star Trek fan thinking of adopting?

Bring me up, Scotty!

I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental...

I’m going to call it Air D&D

Thinking about getting the COVID Vaccine..

That way I can make some money over at wallstreetbets!

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The first time I had sex I remember thinking.

This is expensive.

I'm thinking of selling my Theremin

Haven't touched it in years

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I'm thinking of starting a group for barbecue chicken enthusiasts.

Hmu if you'd like to join the 'Cue Clucks Clan.

I’m thinking about learning how to make mirrors

It’s something I could really see myself doing

I am thinking of making a cover band of Beatles without the drums.

I would name it The Beatles with an extra 's'.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

I think every daddy has had that greeting. After all, anybody can be a father, but it t...

Today, I found myself thinking about the one that got away...

Never buy cheap duck tape.

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'll call it mortal wombat

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I was thinking about shaving my mustache when November ended

But it’s growing on me.

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I just saw a truck with one of those metallic pairs of testicles dangling from the back, and I started thinking “OK I see its balls, but where’s its dick?”

“Oh yeah,” I thought, “in the driver’s seat.”

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Im thinking about getting a second career as a reverse truck driver.

You know as a backup job.

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

Ive been thinking that the dryer has been shrinking my clothes...

Turns out if was the refrigerator!

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

If you think over thinking is good...

think again

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

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