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Turning Jokes

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

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I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

I'm really getting sick of turning up early to concerts

They always promise The Doors will be opening for every band, but they never show up.

I'm slowly turning into a cat.

Don't ask meow?

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)

There was a circle/sphere turning into a square....

It was going through Cuberty.

A Jewish father was very upset with how his son was turning out

He went to the Rabbi to ask him for some advice. He said, "Rabbi, I'm very worried about my son, I gave him the best possible Jewish education and despite this, he's now in his teens and is becoming a Christian!"

The Rabbi said, "it's funny you should say that, I too had a son who I raised t...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

XXX

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

Mom, Why is your hair turning grey?

There was once a naughty little girl who was always getting in trouble and she asked her mother one day "Mom, why is your hair turning grey?" And her mother replied "Every time you do something bad, I get another grey hair." The girl got a puzzled look on her face. A moment later, the girl starts ch...

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Did you see they're turning poop into diesel now?

Turns out you can get pretty far with a load of bullshit.

Betty White on turning 100:

“Hot dogs and Vodka will get you 99% of the way there.”

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best part about turning 40?

My mom can’t get down stairs so well anymore so I can finally jerk off in peace.

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!"

"That's alarming!"

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

My Father-In-Law ,who is turning 90, told me this joke. I couldn't believe it.

A girl was picking fruit in an orchard. The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it. Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed. When she made it to the top she looked down and ...

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My penis tried taking over the world after turning into a vegetable.

It's a dick-tater

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

North Korea reported a 50% success on turning shit into butter

Spread is on par. Taste still slightly off.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

The wait to see a doctor in the UK is getting so long, many are turning to Casualty instead.

They watch the show hoping someone turns up with the same symptoms as them.

The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter' headquarters into a homeless shelter

The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less

Today I'm turning 40 but I feel so proud of my 20yr old slim body ...

And if you don't believe me go check my freezer.

The movie Turning Red takes Place in Toronto, Canada in the year 2002.

It's a period piece.

Did you hear the news today? Alabama is turning blue!

Many Alabamians have trouble breathing because of Covid it seems.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

Turning Red is a film that attempts to be more culturally sensitive of Chinese people...

You know, the people with the government who still can't handle seeing a black person on a movie poster.

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