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Looked Jokes

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he g...

My girlfriend didn’t like the way she looked in the mirror…

… so I decided I’d do what I could to restore her vanity. Got all the parts needed at Home Depot.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crow...

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

“My wife looked at me and said, "you weren't even listening were you?"

I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."

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As I looked into her eyes...

...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

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So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

Have you ever looked up synonyms for trash

and found they are garbage?

What a waste.

;-;

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This asshole looked at

my beer belly last night and said,
"Is that Corona or Heineken??"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

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I looked at my roommate's search history. Apparently he's into forbidden desserts?

He keeps searching for "barely legal cream pies."

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what’s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!"

You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

Why you...

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

Dinosaurs once looked down on Chuck Norris.

Just once.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

I took a picture of my girlfriend sleeping and she looked incredible

Apparently I still shouldn't show my wife

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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"


"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."


I'm shit at maths, too.

One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself

“What the hell happened to the roof?”

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

My wife looked shocked....

When I dropped that hairdryer into her bath.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

...Then Juliet looked down from her balcony and said,

"Its over Romeo,

I have the high ground"

My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.

I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."

But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked outside and said "It's going to rain!"

His wife asked "How do you know?"

He smiled and answered proudly, "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high…

she looked surprised.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

i saw a guy today who looked sort of hot, but when i got closer i realized he was homeless and i was turned off

i never knew i was such a bigot, but in that moment, i realized i'm nohomophobic.

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

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A guy was shopping when he saw a gorgeous woman who looked oddly familiar.

"Hello," said the guy. "I think I've seen you somewhere before."

"You have seen me before!" replied the woman. "You're the father of one of my children."

The guy thought for a while and said, "I remember you now! You're that stripper from my bachelor party. I got drunk, and made passio...

Just bought a thesaurus and when I looked, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

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I woke up this morning, looked at my penis and said

'Hello Ween'

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

After running his fingers over the raised Braille lettering on the surface, the blind man looked terrified

A passing man noticed this and asked him, "What did it say ?".

The blind man responded, "RADIOACTIVE. DO NOT TOUCH"

I looked at my thesis at the library

I noticed several pages were missing. So I asked the librarian "Hey, what's up here? There are several pages missing from my thesis!"

The librarian said "Well, your thesis got sick. So we had to perform an appendectomy on it."

If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes...

...it would become a pomegranite.

Clark Kent looked ill when I invited him to our Bitcoin trading party after work.

I wonder if he has an aversion to Crypto Night.

A man walked up to me today, looked me in the eyes, and said, ”Apportion.”

I smiled and said, “Thank you, that means allot to me.”

What country looked appetizing to Godzilla back in the 70s?

Viet Nom

My wife came home from her night out with the girls, looked at me and said...

'Take off my dress'.

So I did.

Then she said 'Now take off my bra'.

So I did.

Then she said 'Now take off my panties'.

So I did.

Then she said 'and if I EVER catch you wearing my clothes again I'm divorcing you'.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

Timmy went to a big city and looked for a job

He finally got an interview. He never held a corporate job before so he took tips from his friend about how to conduct himself in the interview. But when he came back from the interview, he looked defeated.

His friend asked: why do you look so disappointed? didn't the interview go well?
...

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

I looked at the ocean today, and thought it looked completely orange...

And so then I wondered if it was reality or a Fanta sea.

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The mourners looked on aghast as the coffin toppled out of the car.

"We'll have to rehearse that", said the undertaker.

As she was doing her makeup, I told my fiancee that she looked like an Apache warfighter

Her: that's kinda racist
Me: Sioux me

"I always looked up to him", said the child on the day of his dad's funeral

"He was taller than me"

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A young man walks into a bar looking annoyed and sullen. "What's the matter, son?" asks an older patron.

The young man sighs.

"I have a girlfriend who's very nice and very pretty."

"So? What's the problem?"

"Actually, she's not just pretty. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life."

"That sounds great."

"Not only that, she also adores me and wants to b...

I got home with my one night stand. She pulled down my pants and looked disappointed!

She said you told me it was 12 inches!
"No" I replied "you mis-heard me. I said it smells like a foot".

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

I heard my local bank was offering mortgages with no interest, so I walked in and said, "I’m here to find out about mortgages." The worked looked at me and replied...

"I don’t really care."

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry.

Guess it's time to watermalawn.

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.




And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.

I met my girlfriend at the zoo and immediately fell in love with her and how she looked after the animals

She's a keeper

Today I was on the bus and I farted, four people turned around and looked at me.

Felt like I was in The Voice.

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

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