What's the difference between booze and weed?

5 drunk guys will start a fight. 5 stoned guys will start a band

Booze is not in my vodkabulary.

But it's likely tequilya

My doctor told me I need to drink less booze....

I have looked everywhere and can’t find that brand

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

Why do they sell booze at the hardware store?

Because nothing is better than alcohol at demolishing a home.

Someone stole all my booze, and I'm not even mad.

They lifted my spirits.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

Invite two of them!!

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my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

There is only one mother

Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundr...

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I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask ...

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

My uncle keeps getting in trouble for kiestering booze into jail

It's a real condomrum

So I’ve seen a lot of booze ads lately

And they all say “please drink Responsibly” or “enjoy Responsibly” or something like that, and I’m just confused.

What kind of drink does Responsibly make that even other brands endorse it in their own ads?

A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed

A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.

*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.

*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.

*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the...

What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common?

Booze

Dave walks into a bar

He is served a pint of lager.
"1 penny please" said the barman
"1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave
"That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman.
after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine
"That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can...

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

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The reel, the ink, and the booze

There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies. One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish. Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a q...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

A Frenchman, A German and An Englishman are caught smuggling booze in Saudi Arabia!

They are all ordered to be whipped and will receive 30 whips each,
they ask the Frenchman what he would like on his back while he is whipped and he replies " A cushion" . After about 15 whips the cushion comes apart and the Frenchman is left screaming with a red back.
Then they as the German ...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

Two friends were going camping...

Pete told Mark not to bring any booze for safety reasons.
When they met, Mark had two bags with him, at first glance, Pete noticed one bag full of vodka.
"I told you not to bring booze"
"It's just in case we get bitten by a snake, that will work as an anesthesia"
"Oh, ok, but whats in th...

I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me...

I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.

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What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

Booze Cruise

I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid of how I'm going to die.
I wanna go like my grandpa, In his sleep, not like his other 4 screaming passengers.

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The difference between courage and ballsy

Courage is, when you come home late after a night out with the boys and getting attacked at the door by your wife with a broom and having enough courage to ask her "Are you still cleaning or are you about to go out and fly?"



Ballsy is, when you when you come home late after a night ou...

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere.

Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

A man went to the doctor for male performance problem.

“Do you think the booze could be an issue?” Asks the doctor.

“Maybe not the booing so much as her slow, ironic clapping.”

They say carrots are good for your health.

But booze can double your vision.

Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?

Because if you invite only one, he'll drink all the booze.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

When my wife left me I was upset, lonely, and sad.

So I got a dog, bought a new motorcycle, hooked up with a couple of floozies, and blew a grand on drugs and booze.

Boy, is she gonna be mad when she gets home from work.

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

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The business man who moved to [nsfw]

A high powered business man moved to the mountains to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.

For months the only person he saw was the man who delivers his mail.

After 8 months there came a strange knock on the door, when he opens the door, there stood a giant man with a hu...

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

Why are ghosts so popular at parties?

Because they always bring the boo's (booze)

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you...

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A journalist is given a task to interview a man that lives in the mountains and get a funny story out of him.

So the journalist arrives and asks the man a question - "Tell me a funny story that happened in these mountains." The man with a smile on his face says - "I remember this like it was yesterday. Once a neighbour's goat got lost. We got some other men, got booze and food. Went out looking. Took a brea...

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

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the golfer

So a guy gets married and one of the first things he does after the honeymoon is to play 18 holes of golf with his buds, and they also have a few drinks afterwards.

When he gets home his wife confronts him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to play golf! And you r...

A joke an old man told me at work

An Irish cruise ship is headed back from the Bahamas on its last night at sea. Right around dinner time, the captain gets on the loudspeaker.

“This is your captain speaking. There has been a mix up in our supply. While there are 1,000 passengers on board, we only have 750 meals for you all to...

Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.

So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, an...

Im Happy To Say Im Officially 16 years free of drugs and alcohol!

Come celebrate at my sweet 16 birthday bash tomorrow.

Lots of booze

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar alone and promptly addresses the bartender.

"A dozen shots of your strongest booze."

The bartender raises an eyebrow and stares him down as he slowly pours his drinks. As soon as the bartender has finished, the man starts pouring the shots down his throat as fast as ...

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A man goes out to the bar woth his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink.

A man goes out to the bar with his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.

Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throw...

A man goes to see the doctor...

"Doctor," he says, "How healthy am I? Will I live for a long time?"

"Do you smoke?" the doctor asks.

"No," the man replies.

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you eat red meat?"

"Nope."

"So," says the doctor. "You don't smoke, you don't drink booze and you don...

Jesus took the wheel

and sold it to Juan for some booze money.

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The Judge

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on a bench. He picks it up and runs through the first door he sees, which leads to the judge\`s chambers.

The judge says, "Hey kid, go across the street ...

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Three buddies get pulled over.

One day Joe, Craig and Mike were booze cruising around when they get pulled over by the police. After Joe failed the sobriety test the officer said 'well boys I'm feeling generous tonight and if all your penises add up to 18" I'll let you go'.
The three decide that it's a fair bet so Mike says he...

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The blissful marriage

Wife stumbles through back door at 6am. Husband sipping his whisky snorts “What time do you call this, you stupid fat pig?”.

“Shut you obese revolting face. Some of us have to work to keep you stocked up with bacon and booze. And before you say anything else, the fleet is in, I made $400.50 s...

We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either?

It’s fake booze.

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he ...

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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

A man goes into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house.

When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money.

This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for ...

Can't serve drink to the drunk...

A man, clearly the worse for drink, staggers into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman says to him "I'm afraid I can't serve you, as you are obviously drunk. Would you like me to call you a taxi?"

Mumbling something or other along the lines of "no", the man clumsily makes his way back o...

An irishman is at a bar

He goes to get up and falls flat on his face

" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home" the bartender tells him

" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !"
He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face.

" look, you live right next door,...

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Two mates were reminiscing about the party they'd been at the week before..

"Great party that, last week, wasn't it?"
"Wow, yes, great food, great booze, great girls...and a posh house to boot."
"Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?"
"Never....they had a gold-plated toilet?"
"What?, I can't remember that, you must have been drunk."
"No, honestly, I remem...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

A man and a priest are sitting next to each other at a bar.

A waitress walks up to the man and say,

"can I get you anything to drink". The man replies,

"I've had a long week, my wife's been screaming at me for days and need a pick me up, give me the strongest thing you've got".

Then the waitress turns to the priest and asks him the sam...

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A man dies and is being greeted by the Devil at the gates of Hell. The Devil says “Welcome to Hell, sir, we’re here 24 hours a day to serve all your hedonistic needs!” The man, perplexed, says “Oh really? I thought Hell was supposed to be a terrible place, where you are punished for all your sins!”

“Oh no, that’s just a big misunderstanding” says the Devil. “Those religious folks just try to keep you scared so you’ll behave, but it’s not like that at all.”
“Oh, well that’s great!” says the man, starting to relax a bit.

“Let me show you around here,” the Devil says, and the two start ...

Why did the ghost have to join AA?

He had a problem with BOOze

There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

Why didn't anyone buy the Trump line of liquor?

It was fake booze.

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A woman is out of town on business

and decides to head down to the hotel bar for a quick drink on her first night there. She sees the bar isn't all that crowded and easily finds an open seat.

She grabs a menu and the only other guy sitting at the bar moves over next to her. He reeks of booze. He says to her, "I wanna tell you...

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

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So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, ...

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another wo...

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Two men walk into a bar

one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laug...

Why does President Trump only drink liquor made by Fox News?

Everything else is fake booze.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

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A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

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Two guys want to go out on the town drinking

But between the two of them, they only have about $15. So they are pondering the best way they can go out on the town and get drunk with the money they have. All of a sudden, Guy 1 says "hey, I have an idea! Give me the money you have, and I'll be right back." He goes to the corner deli store and c...

The Ant, and Spider,were hanging at the millipede's house...

They ran out of Booze. So being a good host, the Millipede volunteered to get more at the store.

Waited for 2 hours and the millipede was nowhere to be found.

They opened the front door and saw the Millipede was still putting on his shoes ..

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A politician dies...

A politician dies and finds himself in the presence of both God and Satan.

They explain him that, after carefully counting and recounting all his good and evil actions throughout his life, there’s a tie. As this is an unusual situation that, somehow, has never happened up to this point, they ...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

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A very depressed looking man is sitting at a bar, his shirt front covered in vomit.

The bartender asks him, "What's wrong friend? What's got you looking so down?"

The man replies, "Things aren't going well for me today. I promised my wife I'd cut down on my drinking. When I get home and she sees my shirt like this, she's gonna know I got boozed up and vomited all down my ...

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Three men go to hell

The devil says if you can last one year with what caused you to die in a locked room, I'll let you go back to earth the moment you died without no one mn owing and you can continue living.

He goes to the first man to which he says "booze I drank everything in sight and it lead to my organs fe...

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Rural Party

A man moves to Lincolnshire, and is lonely until he gets a visit from a local farmer. The farmer invites him to a party, but warns him:

"There will probably be a lot of heavy drinking."

The man agrees that a bit of booze is a good way to get to know people. The farmer then says:
...

I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism

I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.

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A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

A Saudi Arabian diplomat visits the United States.

He is greeted at his embassy by Obama.

The diplomat invites Obama into a secret room. Once inside, he says to Obama, "Let me show you a program we use on people in our country."

Obama agrees and the diplomat leaves the room. ...

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Americans go hiking in the USSR

A group of american tourists came to the USSR and decided to go hiking in a traditional Soviet way. They got the tents, vodka, made a camp in the forest.

Suddenly a huge bear appears from the bushes, starts to roar and ruins the camp in a few seconds. The americans run as fast as they can fo...

What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend?

Booze











(Kill me now)

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an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

A Drunks prayer.

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

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Ted's a dick

Ted: It might sound like I'm an alcoholic because I'm stealing money for booze, but I swear I'm not addicted.

Fred: You're a dick, Ted.

Ted: I just said that I'm not!

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party..

Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tort...

With his friends, Billy schedules a fishing trip

They decide to spend the weekend at the lake, fishing by the quiet of nature. With all decided, Billy returns home to tell his wife. The wife, however, didn't like the idea and forbid him to go. The next day, the poor man tells his friends "Sorry guys, I won't make it. My wife won't let me" and afte...

Paddy and Danny got in the car

for the journey home and said their goodbyes to their friend Mick.
"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Paddy. "The food was great, the booze was great, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife!"
On the way home, Danny turned to Paddy and said: "I hope you weren't serious about ...

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