Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

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A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

Termite walks into a bar...

A termite walks into a bar and looks for a seat. The first guy he sees is all beat up and has a bloody knife in his belt, so the termite keeps walking. The next man is shouting and is visibly drunk, so he keeps searching. Finally, the third man the termite sees has a smile on his face and is enjoyin...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman.

He starts conversation with her and they really hit it off. He casually mentions how he's into really kinky sex. The woman perks up and with wide flirty eyes, says that she too is into kinky sex! She follows it up by saying they should go back to her place and see what happens.

They get to...

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

For some people, alcohol is a crutch.

For me, it's a very comfortable hammock, and I see no reason to get out of it.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

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The coronavirus has really impacted my sex life....

I just don't feel comfortable going down on any old bat any more!

Let me slip into something more comfortable...

Like a coma

I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

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A female friend told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your c...

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

What's black, white, and comfortable to sit on?

A cowch.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

Sail on, sailor

Man to his wife: "If I died before you, would you remarry?".
Wife: "Oh well I'd have to think about it but yes, I probably would."
Man: "Would you stay in this house?"
Wife: "Well, it's a nice house dear, I think I would"
Man: "Would you sleep in this bed?"
Wife: "I like the bed, it's...

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it because it's comfortable.

Who cares of you can see my balls?

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

What's something you call little and comfortable ?

Microsoft.

This is a really nice place, roomy and comfortable. How much for rent?

Sir this is a liquor store

What’s the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.

And much like that one, I’ll see myself out now.

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The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.

He got up to check on stuff,...

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as “they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear”....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital.

A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”

I was hiking with my girlfriend once..

Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

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I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...

but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.

A guy has an enormous love for boxing. It is his favorite thing in the world!

He finds out that in a few months there will be a fight that will determine the Heavyweight Champion of the World! With every passing day he dreams about that day and he is extremely anxious to finally watch the match.

He talks about this match almost every day at work with his colleagues. Ev...

Overheard a supervisor talking to a coworker

Supervisor: The more comfortable you get, the more mistakes you'll make.

Me: Man, my parents must have been really comfortable in the summer of '76.

I'm loving my new desk. It looks good and is at the perfect working height. I sat down, got myself comfortable and thought..

Yeah I could really get behind this.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch...

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left...

I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk

(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

First I wasn't really comfortable with the fact that I had cancer

But then it grew on me

My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.

His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"

He groans. "I don't want to go to church."

Mom: "Why not?"

Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."...

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

Why do mexican kids feel so comfortable at school?

Because their dad built it and their mom keeps it clean.

I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into t...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

What do you call a lady who has come to buy a table?

She is comfortable.

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