Comfortable Jokes - 49 Hilarious Comfortable Jokes

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

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There are two types of people: those that are comfortable swearing

...and fucking pussies

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it because it's comfortable.

Who cares of you can see my balls?

More syllables than I'm comfortable with...

What does an agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia do?

Stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

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Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “Your nose is really huge, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, bu...

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

So the waitress asks the customer: "Comfortable, sir?"

And the customer responds
"No, no, comeforfood"

From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car?

A comfortible

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What does a sexy Dalek scream as it slips into 'something more comfortable?'

*"ACCENTUATE!!"*

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How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

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I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...

but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

What's black, white, and comfortable to sit on?

A cowch.

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.

Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

What do you call someone that are comfortable with murdering and gets payed for it

comedians

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

As I sat in my airplane seat for the 16 hour flight, I tried to get comfortable.

Then I remembered that I was in economy.

This is my first joke. Be nice!

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'...

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as “they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear”....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

Why do mexican kids feel so comfortable at school?

Because their dad built it and their mom keeps it clean.

Bill Cosby on a date: "Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable..."

…like a coma.

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

First I wasn't really comfortable with the fact that I had cancer

But then it grew on me

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

I've been living in Sweden for a long time and it's been quite comfortable…

…but then it might just be Stockholm syndrome.

I walked up to a girl in a bar. I said, "My girlfriend thinks I've gotten comfortable."

"She does?"

"Yes. Why don't you sit on my face and see if she's right?"

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A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

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A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

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What do you call a cocktail of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin, and southern comfort?

A slow, comfortable, screw.

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I think I need to find a new doctor, after my last prostrate exam

It’s never comfortable to be prodded up the butt, but I got suspicious when the doctor said, “I need to go deeper, this may hurt a bit”, and then he put both of his hands on my shoulders.

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