An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

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Sex with your wife is like traveling by train...

Nothing comfortable, but you will get where you need to.

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

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How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

More syllables than I'm comfortable with...

What does an agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia do?
























Stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistres...

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

As I sat in my airplane seat for the 16 hour flight, I tried to get comfortable.

Then I remembered that I was in economy.

I was sitting in a Restaurant on a Table

A waiter came to me and said: Comfortable sir?

Me: No, Come for the food.

:)

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A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk...

The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and fin...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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Two Croats and a Serb get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Serb having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Croats says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Serb interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down, we're bro...

What do you call someone that are comfortable with murdering and gets payed for it

comedians

Comfortable

Stayforchair

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"

She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

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Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

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A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

An Arab guy walks into a bra store

owned by a Jewish guy on a Sunday afternoon. The Arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure I'll buy 100." T...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A physicist and his wife are hosting a dinner party

She reminded him multiple times that their friends Sue and Joe who had recently split up were both attending and that they should do their best to make them both feel comfortable.


During the party as the physicist was talking to Sue, his wife noticed he kept bringing up Joe and it was cl...

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be.

But sofa so good.

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as “they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear”....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.

What's black, white, and comfortable to sit on?

A cowch.

Two blondes decide to start a farm.

One goes off to secure some land, and the other goes to buy some animals. Blonde #2 is bad at keeping on to money, so she purposely only takes a hundred dollars with her. Eventually she gets to a place where they're selling bulls for 99 dollars. Naturally, she buys one. But the thing is, her phone i...

What’s the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.

And much like that one, I’ll see myself out now.

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

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I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...

but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.

I went to my tailor and asked if I could try on the suit in the window.

"Sure," he said, "but wouldn't it be more comfortable if you used the dressing room?"

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

Bill Cosby on a date: "Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable..."

…like a coma.

I walked up to a girl in a bar. I said, "My girlfriend thinks I've gotten comfortable."

"She does?"

"Yes. Why don't you sit on my face and see if she's right?"

A Voyage to Italy

A young woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomo...

Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

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A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

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