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Little boy keeping the shop...

A little boy was keeping his dad's shop while he was away.
There were lots of candies kept in jars for sell. They were known to be so delicious that kids couldn’t resist themselves from buying candies.
One day a passer by asked him, if he was keeping the shop, to which the boy said yes. Seei...

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

If it's one thing you don't have to worry about keeping out of your mouth...

it's Jada Pinkett Smith's hair.

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns. Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked.

She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

Keeping the mystery in a relationship

My wife says she likes to keep a little mystery in our relationship.

Stuff like:

* where the hell are my drill bits?

* why didn't you tell me they were coming over today?

and

* how much is this all going to cost?

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

A heart attack?

Four guys are out playing golf when they come to a short par-3 hole. Two of them hit their tee shots onto the green, but the other two slice their tee shots way out into the woods. The two guys on the green sink their putts, and then they wait for their friends. And wait, and wait.

Finally...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

New Bull

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't k...

Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

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