This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked.

She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

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Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live

PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
<...

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

&nbsp;

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

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Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

Why are eggs not good at keeping secrets?

They tend to crack under pressure.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

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Keeping Count

One night, a man, his wife and a friend decided to have dinner together. After eating they opened a couple of bottles of wine. Upon finishing the wine the friend realized it was late and he should go home, but the man insisted he stay the night because he was drunk and in no condition to drive. The ...

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

Keeping Up With The Kardashians is ending

Kim Kardashians professional career is behind her

Nice to see America keeping its tradition

Of launching a coup in a third world country.

What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat?

Algorithm

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