Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife.

Eventually he fired them all.

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

People keeping telling me that, to stay healthy, I should "Eat Vegan"

The trouble is, when you do, you find there is no meat on them.

I blame the lousy diet.

Mother Skunk was worried because she had trouble keeping track of her two children.

They were named In and Out. And whenever In was in, Out was out. But if Out was in, then In was out.

One day Mother Skunk called Out in to her room and told him to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in no time at all, brought In in.

"Wonderfull" said mother skunk. "How, in all...

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

Where did Noah keep his bee keeping manual.

In his Ark Hives.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. The first bull growled, "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows!" The second bull snorted, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows!"

The third grunted in agreement, "I've only been here a year and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows!"

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

At 4,70...

Keeping it hot after 50 years of marriage.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

Two options for keeping a budget that always has money.

Add a zero or move the decimal point.

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

Why are anti-vaxxer's children good at keeping secrets?

Cause they don't live to tell the tale

I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open.

It was a jar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

Queen Victoria didn’t do such a good job keeping drinking water away from toilet water...

but it was still frowned upon to cholera fool.

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

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