Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and asks, "Were you the one being robbed?"

"No, I committed the robbery," the man casually says....

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

Where did little Jimmy go after getting lost in a mine field?

Everywhere

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

I hate Amazon. I went to go buy a lighter.

But all I found was 12,943 matches.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life.

End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry," says the inte...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

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Three guys have to go to prison.

But they can bring unlimited supply of any one thing with them.

The first guy chooses books. Second chooses his girlfriend. The third chooses unlimited cigarettes.

After 12 years.

The first guy with the help of books finishes high school, college and law school and is on course ...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops.

One of them says "That's the one I'd get". So the cyclops hit him.

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

When I go to casinos, the most...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he plls it off the hook it says ‟Please do not kill me! Spare my life and I will grant you all a wish!”

The German throws the fish back and says ‟I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immed...

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Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
‟Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!”

He responded by saying ‟How‘s about 5 dollars?”, jokingly, and kept walking.

This same hting kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

I was going to make a salt joke

But Na, people won’t get it

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in..

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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner tog...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So i went.


And I saw my dad.

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?

The retail store

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

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A man and his wife go out to dinner in a restaurant.

The wife is in the bathroom when the waiter comes to take orders.

He asks the man, "Any idea what she's having?"

The man replies, "Well it's been fifteen minutes, so probably a shit".

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.

But I decided it was poor taste.

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Because of my cakeday, I'm going to make a joke about cake

You butter believe it

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

3-Italian Nuns Go To Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six-months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be...

Where do you go to weigh a pie?

Somewhere, over the rainbow.

Im not going to vaccinate my children, even if its "completely safe".

Im going to leave it to the doctor.

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

Why did the Duracell CEO go to prison?

For battery.

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

Go to your mother

Wife is busy packing clothes.

Hubby: Where are you going?

Wife: To my mother.

Hubby also starts packing clothes.

Wife: And where do you think you are going?

Hubby: I’m also going to my mother.

Wife: What about the kids?

Hubby: Since you are going...

So a few days ago Donald Trump decided to go campaign in Florida.

He wanted to make sure he gets the Floridian vote. So he went to a home for senior citizens - what they call a home for assisted living.

As we walked in, he encountered what looked like a 95 year old woman and he looks at her and says, "Do you know who I am?"

And she says, "Son, I don...

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.

He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.

"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but the...

My boss just said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture....

I have a hunch its me.

A child and his father were going to ride their bikes.

Child: \*wearing a beanie

Father: When you are going to ride your bike, you should always wear a helmet

Child: Don't worry dad, this is better. I already tested it.

Father: How?

Child: I threw them both out of the 3rd floor window. The helmet broke.

I go nuts for washers

You know what I'm talking a bolt?

Someone told me to go back to my own country

So Iran

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

Two men go hiking

And one of them has a stutter and extreme trouble saying words that begin with a T.
They are walking on a popular hiking trail long 2000m, and they will camp at the destination.
700m into their walk the man with a stutter starts
saying : " T T T T T"
His friend, annoyed with this says ...

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

This is the first year I'm not going to Maldives because of Covid19.

Normally I don't go because I'm poor.

My horoscope said that i was going to get my heart broken in 12 year time.

So i bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

Why couldn't the mushroom go to the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom inside

Why did the star wars films go 456 123 789

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

"Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder.

And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

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I heard they had started giving all the old guys in the nursing home Viagra right before they go to sleep at night.

Its to prevent them from rolling out bed in the middle of the night.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. –

I was in the women’s bathroom.

Why did the locomotive go off his tracks?

Because he wasn't trained properly.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

A Jewish man says to another Jewish man, "That's a nice watch you go there"

the other man replied, "Oh thanks. My father sold it to me before he died."

I'm going to this years Fibonacci convention.

It'll be as big as the last two put together.

2 hardcore Trump supporters die and go to heaven...

Then they get deported for being illegal immigrants

Kylie Jenner tries to go into the ocean for a swim but gets stopped by the life guard

The life guard says “U can’t go in there,
There’s already enough plastic in the sea”

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.


They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.


Their first night there, she undressed as he did.


There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthd...

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I was going to tell a joke about unemployment

But they never work

Before lecturing her Sunday school class on heaven and hell, the teacher asked her students "Do you know where girls and boys go when they do bad things"?

"Sure" a boy replied, "Behind Kristin's garage"

A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

“Yes””oui””si””ja”

I used to work at a steakhouse, one of my duties is to make sure that the G on the neon Angus sign outside doesn't go out.

They call me the G-spotter.

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I told my wife I had a cuck fetish. She said "ok tomorrow night lets do it". That night I get home, go upstairs and shes in the bedroom having sex with another man!

I was so upset i dropped my rolling pin and spatula

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub

The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship?

Sand Bars

Why did Beethoven go to the car dealership?

For a lease

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.

They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”

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If you catch a fruitophiliac having a go at your fruit

Be mindful that a second one could be nearby.

They cum in pears.

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

If we go on a date we’re getting appetizers

because that’s what my hors d’serve

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He has...

My grandad told me, always go to people's funerals...

... because if you don't, they won't go to yours.

I'm going bobsleighing this christmas

my targets include - Bob Geldof, Bob Dylan, Bob saget and Spongebob

My wife asked me if I'd like to spend the evening at home or go play a game of bowling.

So I told her that putting my fingers in sweaty holes where everybody had been before wasn't what I had in mind for tonight. And we went play some bowling.

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was going down on my grandma the other day...

And I couldn’t help but notice the distinct taste of horse semen. Then I thought to myself....”maybe that’s how she died”

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

I was going to make a communism joke

But It’s only funny if everyone gets it.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife go to a therapist

Therapist: So, what’s the problem here?
Wife: He won’t stop making bad jokes.
Husband: She’s upset because I wouldn’t stop investing in Egyptian tourism... until I realised it was just a pyramid scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

I was going to post a joke here about social security

Then It occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

One day, a shopkeeper put his dumb son incharge of his shop as he had to go out of town .

A customer comes in and asks, "Can I get a Tropicana Orange juice bottle?"

The son searches in the shop for sometime, sways his head and says, "No, we don't have a Tropicana Orange juice bottle."

That night, when the son tells this to his father, he angrily says, "Fool! We had minute m...

What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation?

**Pencil-vania!**

I was going to post a Dad-joke about eyeballs.

But I think it would be too cornea for you all.

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...

i literally cannot find him anywhere.

I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad

He didn’t show up

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

Why did Adam go to McDonalds

They’re selling the McRib sandwich again

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

Ernie, wanna go out for Ice Cream?

Sure, Bert.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that....

You've got issues going way back."

How does a squid go into battle?

Well-armed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

jokes go brrrrrrrr

**what do you get when you make a whale and an octopus fight?**

banned from the aquarium

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese legume go as for Halloween?

An edamummy!

When I die I want to go peacefully, like my grandfather did— in his sleep

Not screaming like the passengers in his taxi

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.


He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.


He pi...

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

This is the first year that we didn't go to Hawaii because of coronavirus...

Every other year we don't go because we can't afford it.

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

Hack for when you don't what to go to the doctor

She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go ….

He: Just call in sick then.

A husband called the hospital because his wife is going into labour. Husband: My wife is going into labour what should I do? Nurse: Is this her first child?

Husband: No, this is her husband

My wife wanted to go out on a nice date.

She's been quiet eversince we left McDonald's. I'm guessing it's because they have no candles.

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

What’s going through the mind of a Russian roulette player?

A bullet

An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?

He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

Two atoms go on a date...when suddenly, one of them drops an electron and gasps. The other atom asks...are you sure?

I'm positive! Replies the other atom.

I'm not going drink any more.

Thats right, im going to continue drinking at my regular 17 beers a day and not one beer more.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

What type of illness do passengers going through La Guardia airport get?

‘Terminal’ illness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

I was told that a mask and gloves were enough to go shopping with...

I was lied to. Everyone else had clothes on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

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