I'm 34 years old and today I've been sober for 11 years!

Not in a row though.

In total.

What do you call a sober Irishman?

Dead.

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

I used to be sober

worst hour of my life

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

Why were the seven dwarves always sober?

Because no one would serve alcohol to miners...

Today marks my third week of being sober this year

Not in a row or anything, just in total

Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.

Not in a row or anything. Just... total.

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

Going 20 years sober on January 5th!

It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.

There's a fine line between sober and high.

And I just snorted it.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

I'm 21 years sober!

I can finally start drinking.

I just had the most sobering thought...

We are out of wine.

I was 7 years sober, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no betting, and then...

...I started primary school.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it's a sobering reminder of why...

...there's never any money in there.

I was sober for 9 years and then...

I turned 10

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

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When my wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober, all I could think was...

Fucking hell, I got married?

I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.

Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.

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A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.

They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”

“Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.

“A talking clock?” His friend replied.

“Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He ...

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars

John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.

how did the lawyer become sober?

He passed the bar.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant.....

the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," says the husband kiddingly, “she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't bee...

I'm pretty sober...

...but I'm even prettier when you're drunk...

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What’s the best thing to get a girl who’s never had sex sober?

A drink

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

3022 days sober....

Congratulations Amy Winehouse.

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A sober man shines a flashlight up into the air and asks a drunk man to climb the beam, who angrily refuses to do so.

He says, "You think I'm fucking drunk?"

The sober man replies "no," but is interrupted by the drunk man.

"If I tried to climb it, you would turn the light off and I would fall!"

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Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

Dying In Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor...
... noticed little Ronny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walk...

I've been sober as far back as I can remember.

Which is roughly 11 hours.

A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work...

That's it.

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

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A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport

A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport late at night. Three men, heavily drunk, boarded the taxi.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"Airrrporrttt", one of then replied.

The taxi driver was confused, but decided to take advantage of the situation. He turned the key to start th...

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

My dad is 3 years sober today!

He also died 3 years ago...

Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!

Wow! Never thought it would happen

Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober!

Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: ‟Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking”
Mick : ‟Ill come back when you are sober Doctor”

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day i decided to get sober.

And tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I decided sobriety wasn't for me.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk

Until I showed up sober one day

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

You should NEVER pretend to be something you’re not.

Except for sober. Sometimes you gotta pretend to be sober.

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A man was having a drink in the pub when his wife called him and told him not to get drunk again

He promised he was only having a couple and would be home soon.

Some time later it’s closing time and the man needs to head home. feeling a bit worse for ware, he stands up he falls over straight away, tries to stand again, all falls again. Refusing all offers for help he starts to crawl home...

A joke by Mirza Ghalib (renowned Urdu / Persian poet) translated into English

Not sure if the humor is lost in translation but I found it hilarious. Anyway here goes:



I got drunk under the influence of love and told her that she’s my Goddess;

I immediately sobered up when she told me that Goddesses are worshipped by many.

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Off the wagon

So this guy got sober for his wife...he was doing great...going on two years...one day he gets to work and there’s a pink slip waiting for him...on his way home he walks by his old bar and thinks fuck it...I’m gonna have one drink...he goes in and all his old buddies are there he has one drink and t...

So every Friday night this one bar in town gets a big crowd of VERY drunk people.

So knowing that people drink and drive from this bar a cop waits across the street to catch people. So 15 minutes before last call a guy walks out from the bar stumbling and falling over on his way to his car. The cop sees this and also sees him take about 2 minutes just to get his key in the igniti...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car the tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

On the day of the make...

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

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17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

A man needed to travel to Moscow in order to take care of some government business.

A man needed to travel to Moscow in order to take care of some government business. Having to stop at night at an inn, the man asks if there's any room available - the clerk replies that there is a free bed, but it's in a room with three other people. Seeing no other choice, the traveler takes the b...

Kinda dark but still SFW

A woman was walking home with her 3 daughters.
The first one asked here
“Mom why did you chose my name”
and the mom says
“Well, when we were walking home from the hospital a rose petal fell on your head so we named you Rose”
The second daughter then asks.
“What about me?”
The ...

A gangster in Soviet prison goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm feeling sick."

The doctor frowns and takes a good look at him. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, doctor..."

"Then come back tomorrow when you've sobered up."

The next day, the convict shows up at the doctor's again. "Doctor, I'm still not feeling well."

"Are you sober?"

"I haven't ...

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

Little Johnny decided to prepare ahead of the next day's lesson on fractions,

so he approached his father. His partly sober dad took his time to help Johnny using all the illustrations he could lay his hand upon.

The next day, after noticing how bright and happily Johnny appeared, the teacher tried to direct some questions to him.

Teacher: "What's 1/8 + 1/8?"...

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
...

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

When I met my wife it was love at first sight!

I should've taken a second look before getting married. Sober this time.

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.



“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.



“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”



“Go...

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.

I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."

The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

I cheated on my wife with a girl I met at a mundane AA meeting.

It was a sober affair.

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...

A woman to Winston Churchill:

"Sir, you are disgustingly drunk"

Churchill: "Madam, you are disgustingly ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober."

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