UPJOKE
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Sober Jokes

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
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Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh
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Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years
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I've been sober from math for three weeks.

It was a hard addition to get over.
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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...
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how did the lawyer become sober?

He passed the bar.
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A client was pulled over for suspected dui. He was sober, and didn’t want to do a field sobriety test

But found out that asking “can you just blow me” isn’t a good way to communicate this to the officer.
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What do you call a sober Irishman?

Dead.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.

They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”

“Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.

“A talking clock?” His friend replied.

“Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He ...

My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars

John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.
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A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...
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What is the fastest way to become sober?

Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.
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Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober.

So I’m going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store
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I am a 100 days sober!

...
Not in a row or anything, just total.
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I'm 34 years old and today I've been sober for 11 years!

Not in a row though.

In total.
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I'm pretty sober.

But I'm prettier drunk.
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Why were the seven dwarves always sober?

Because no one would serve alcohol to miners...
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Going 20 years sober on January 5th!

It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.
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Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...
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A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.
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I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.
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There's a fine line between sober and high.

And I just snorted it.
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A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...
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I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober, all I could think was...

Fucking hell, I got married?

Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.

Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
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Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sober man shines a flashlight up into the air and asks a drunk man to climb the beam, who angrily refuses to do so.

He says, "You think I'm fucking drunk?"

The sober man replies "no," but is interrupted by the drunk man.

"If I tried to climb it, you would turn the light off and I would fall!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best thing to get a girl who’s never had sex sober?

A drink

I've been sober as far back as I can remember.

Which is roughly 11 hours.
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...
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I used to be sober

worst hour of my life
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My dad is 3 years sober today!

He also died 3 years ago...
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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

Mushroom trip

A guy sits in his shared apartment when his drug enthusiast roommate walks in.

"Hey, I just bought some mushrooms from my dealer, he said it's some serious business, so don't be scared if I won't come out of my room for a few hours!"

The next day the roommate is found dead. The cause o...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...
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A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...
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A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work...

That's it.
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Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he r...
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Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!

Wow! Never thought it would happen
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Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!
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An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...
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Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober!

Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.
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A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
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An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...
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I just had the most sobering thought...

We are out of wine.
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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ...
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"I'm not serving you," said the bartender. "Too drunk."

"Sober up then you idiot," I slurred.
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A patient goes to his physician

He lists him some symptoms and after a workup the doctor says: I can’t find a reason for your problems, it must be the alcohol.

The patient responds: I’ll come back when you’re sober then.
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A doctor was examining his newest patient

As testing went on, the doctor said "I'm not quite certain what's wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking."

So the patient said "That's OK, Doc- I'll just come back when you're sober!"
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A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.  

"I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping.  What's the problem, doc?"

The doctor thoroughly examined the drunk and remarked, "I can't find anything wrong with you.  It must be the drinking." ...
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Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.
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A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I was pulled over by a cop and arrested…

Him: Do you have any idea why I pulled you over, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: I’ve pulled you over because you were all over the road, have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Me: No, officer

Him: Okay, I’m going to get you to say the alphabet backwards for me, okay?

Me...

An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...
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A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...
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Three philosophers walk into bar.

Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept.


The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.
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Don't judge a person for drinking and swearing

judge the quiet sober ones..Those fuckers are up to something.

My girlfriend and I will never get married.......

She won't marry me if I'm a drunk, but I would never marry her if I was sober
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sailors

A policeman on night patrol near a naval dockyard hears a noise from down a dark alley, he shines his torch down the alley and sees two sailors, one is laid on the ground with his trousers around his ankles and the other has got two fingers shoved up his arse. The policeman says, " What's going on h...

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When...
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A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
...
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A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it's a sobering reminder of why...

...there's never any money in there.
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I keep a case of beer stashed away in my basement, in case of emergencies.

Better safe than sober.

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...
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A Drunk's Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the hell you are I think.

I'm not under what they call

The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,

I'm just a little slort of sheep.

Tee martoonis make a guy

Fool so feelish, don't know why. ...
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The Irish Army received reports of Russian spies in their barracks.

To find the spy, they put a can of Guinness at each soldier's bed during the night, the second morning, the Russian who drank the canned Guinness is then arrested.

The other barracks received the same report and try to do the same, they left a bottle of vodka by the bed of every soldier, the ...
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After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...
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Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!
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True story.

Two of my colleagues and I went to lunch with our manager and his manager who was visiting our office from out of town. We each ordered a beer with our meal and the manager's manager, who was a teetotaler unbeknownst to us, turned to our manager and asked if he knew we drank. Our Manager replied "...
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17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last nigh...
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A gangster in Soviet prison goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm feeling sick."

The doctor frowns and takes a good look at him. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, doctor..."

"Then come back tomorrow when you've sobered up."

The next day, the convict shows up at the doctor's again. "Doctor, I'm still not feeling well."

"Are you sober?"

"I haven't ...
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I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.
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Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.
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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...
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Johnny

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor ...
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A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...
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They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk

Until I showed up sober one day
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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...
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I've never pretended to be something I'm not...

Except sober.


I've pretended to be sober before.
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Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.
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It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...
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A man goes to the pub...

A man goes to the pub and gets incredibly drunk. He ends up being sick on himself and when he gets home, his wife is livid.



She tells him that this has happened too often and if he does it again, she will leave him.



The next night the man goes back to the pub, and it ha...

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.
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I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.
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My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.
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I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles....

Seemed fun at the time, but now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.

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