Today I've been sober for 90 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything.

There's a fine line between sober and high.

And I just snorted it.

I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.

3022 days sober....

Congratulations Amy Winehouse.

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

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What’s the best thing to get a girl who’s never had sex sober?

A drink

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

how did the lawyer become sober?

He passed the bar.

I'm pretty sober.

But I'm prettier drunk.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
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.
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I got sober 2 years ago..

Worst hour I can remember.

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person....

My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars

John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.

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When my wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober, all I could think was...

Fucking hell, I got married?

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

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A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.

They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”

“Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.

“A talking clock?” His friend replied.

“Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He ...

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

I was sober for 20 years!

Then I turned 21.

Give a sober man a car and he will drive for an hour,

Give a drunk man a car and he will drive for the rest of his life.

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

You should NEVER pretend to be something you’re not.

Except for sober. Sometimes you gotta pretend to be sober.

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

I cheated on my wife with a girl I met at a mundane AA meeting.

It was a sober affair.

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

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A sober man shines a flashlight up into the air and asks a drunk man to climb the beam, who angrily refuses to do so.

He says, "You think I'm fucking drunk?"

The sober man replies "no," but is interrupted by the drunk man.

"If I tried to climb it, you would turn the light off and I would fall!"

Sober Irishman walks out of a bar

That was the joke.... get it?

Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Have you heard about the sober rubber duck?

He’s been squeaky clean for 8 months

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

A man is at his lowest point

He’s tried every drug, sipped every beer, and just generally been out of it. Trying to get better, he goes to a council of Buddhist monks and seeks their advice.

The eldest monk says to him, “I see, my child, that it is going to take more than just our usual methods to sober you up. I task y...

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people.

A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people. It extends far into the distance. The man walks up to a person in the line and asks him,

"Sir, what is this line for?"

The person replies,

"Go to the front."

So the man walks up the line. and he keeps walking, and walkin...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the g...

Thor and Loki enter a bar.

Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman?

Neither exist.

My dad is 3 years sober today!

He also died 3 years ago...

Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!

Wow! Never thought it would happen

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

Four college students decide to get drunk before their final exam.

Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam. They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car tire went flat. They ...

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.



“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.



“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”



“Go...

2 weeks sober.

I'm 2 weeks Sober, Unintentionally. Now I'm sitting here wondering why good things happen, to bad people.

Why did macaroni and cheese get sober?

They were tired of smoking Kraft.

A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work...

That's it.

I always finish the bottle when drinking...

I mean think about all the sober kids in Africa

Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober!

Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.

The longest I've been sober is 5 years...

...then I turned six years old

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

A man sobering up from the night before...

...is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him....

I have 2 reasons why I can't work in construction

When I'm sober I blame my back, when I'm not I blame my BAC

[Long] I was at the fair and I saw this drunk guy at the shooting range.

He was completely wasted but somehow managed to shoot all the targets. The guy at the stand gave him the first prize :a turtle. I watched the guy leave happily with his prize while bumping into sober people.

Later on, the guy came back swaying to the shooting range, even more drunk. The guy a...

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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."

"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'

"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"

"Great progress!"

"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."

Today I celebrated with Champagne...

It marks my one day anniversary of being sober.

An Irishman goes to a doctor

Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.

Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober

What do you call a Ghost without any Boo’s?

SOBER!

Note: (am Dad) I told this joke to my kids at Olive Garden last night, and an old lady made sure to let me know how corny it was

A silver lining about this Brett Kavanaugh situation

is that the phrase “sober as a judge” is waaaay more applicable to my life.

An Anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...

He stays sober and wants to go back home, but there's a bridge that comes in the way.

I tell him, "There is a 1 percent chance of the bridge breaking."

The anti-vaxxer jumped into the water and started swimming.

The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'

No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
...

A man's friend is having a party at her house.

The man is invited. he asks what kinds of food and drinks there will be. His friend tells him there will be hot dogs, salad, burgers, club sandwiches, and pizza, and for drinks there will be beer, wine, lemonade, and fruit punch. The man is excited about these options, and is in a great party mood. ...

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

I recently went to a party with my wife...

There was a woman there who was obviously interested in me...at the end of the night, I was trying to determine if I was sober enough to drive. My wife said, I’m sure you’re fine, you’ve only had three drinks. All of a sudden the woman who had been hitting on me piped up “no he had six gin and tonic...

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar...

And checks his clock.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.

But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"

So he asks the barman for a coffe...

Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor, a very smart man and ahead of his time.

A strict disciplinarian he hated when his soldiers drank on the job but had no way of policing it. Until he realised that the offending soldiers would urinate much more than the sober ones. So he started to measure the output of the soldiers. Do you know what he used to measure it?

Roman Urin...

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me

She's going on 6 years sober now.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

...noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up: stood beside the little boy: a...

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A man is taking a stroll out during the night time

While walking he sees a sign outside of a bar that says "if you can complete the challenge you get free drinks for life!". The man thought that was pretty cool so he goes in. He asks the bartender what the challenge is. The bartender say "well you have to chug 2 bottles of vodka... without shedding ...

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I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles....

Seemed fun at the time, but now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.

My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and ...

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Ada...

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And that's how the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_________________...

So apparently I've stopped drinking.

I never wanted to. I made a drinking game where every time someone posted an original joke to r/jokes I would have a drink. I've been sober for 8 years now :(

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know yet, none have become sober enough yet

How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit?

Sober him up for a week or two.

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Cop performs a sobriety check

Cop: "say your abc's backwards for me please."
Suspect: "abc's? Backwards? Officer I couldn't do that if I was sober."
*brief pause*
Suspect: "shit."

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