This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?

They use their Endor voices.

Two women were sitting quietly together...

minding their own business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus is sitting in a neighborhood bar having a quiet drink....

An Irishman with a bad leg limps in and says to the bartender, “Is the Our Savior?”

Bartender says “yup”

Irishman says, “Give me a Whisky and set the Saviors up as well”

An Italian man walks in, hunched over from a bad back. He says to tge bartender, “Is that Our Lord Jesus?”...

How do you get your kids to be quiet while you sleep?

Tell them to wake you up in 30 minutes for chores and house cleaning. They’ll go quiet instantly and try their best to not wake you.

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

What do you call a quiet philosopher?

Secret-es

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

My friend asked why I always talked quietly. I told them it was because I didn't want corporations spying on me.

They laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...

It was so quiet at the High CPU party.

You could hear a ping drop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and quietly eats it.

When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.

The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and l...

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is rabbit sex so quiet?

Cotton Balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” ...

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000

Italian man: Why?

Judge: It's a fine.

Italian man: (quietly) It's a not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.

He told me he wasn't home.

what do call a quiet Russian bee?

a cagey bee

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

My wife asked me why I was talking so quietly?

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri Laughed.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bully: I bet your dick is a size of a tic tac

The quiet kid: That's why your mom's breath smells so good

A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar

A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar when notices a gorilla walking in. The bartender dashes towards the manager’s office in a shocked expression.

“Sir, uh, we have a gorilla in the bar,” says the bartender.

“Well son, go ask what they want,” says the manager.

The bar...

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.

The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, the...

Q: Why do movie makers not make a cross-over movie between "A Quiet Place" and "IT"?

A: They already know that it is going to be "ShhhhIT"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

Family having Specially Planned Dinner on Mother's Day, But the Mother was So Quiet....

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t e...

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter wha...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading..

.. when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?" 


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" 


WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?" 


HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." 


WIFE: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The ...

Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.

As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers...

"Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Golf Story

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You want to arrest me for nudity, officer?

Then you shouldn't expect me to cum quietly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are travelling on a train

At one point, the priest asks the rabbi: “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve often wondered if you've ever tried bacon” The rabbi admitted: “Well, I did once, out of curiosity many years ago, but never again” The priest smiled kindly: “I understand, old friend. Your secret’s safe with me” A f...

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

A man walks into a car dealership.

A salesman greets him at the door and after some chatting they end up taking a car for a test drive.

“This car is so quiet sir” exclaims the salesman “the ride is calm and relaxing”.

The man shakes his head “No, I’m buying this car for my wife and I certainly wouldn’t describe her as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man of many talents

So this traveling salesman is driving through this little Welsh village and decides to stop at a quiet pub for some lunch and a pint. He gets his beer and there's nobody in other than one little old fella in the corner just staring out of the window over a half empty glass.

So he sits down ne...

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

Trouble, Shut up and Be Quiet

There were these three redneck brothers whose parents had named them Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

One day they were driving down the road when Trouble had to pee. They stopped and let Trouble out and he went into the forest.

30 minutes later Trouble had not shown back up. A cop saw...

Stalking is when two people go for a quiet walk in the woods.

But only one of them knows about it.

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Diary

Wife's  Diary:    

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,      
but he made no comment on it.

Conve...

A man walk's into a biker bar, sits down and orders a bottle of the most expensive whiskey available.

After every shot of whiskey the man takes, he quietly says to him self.

"I shouldn't be having this with what I've got"

Then solemnly and seemingly reflecting on his life, stares into the distance.

The bartender doesn't think much of it but after only 30 minutes, the man has dra...

There once was an Irishman named Paddy who was a regular at his local pub

Every day he would come in and order himself 3 pints, “one of me brother Seamus in America, one for me brother Liam in Australia, and one for me.”

One day Paddy came into the pub and ordered two pints instead of the normal 3. The pub went quiet and everyone turned solemn. The bartender slow...

We were driving past...

A cemetery and my Dad said in a Dead serious, quiet voice-
“I know something you don’t know about this place.
The people in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here”
I was really confused so I asked why.
And he said
“Because they’re still alive.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

What is the loudest word ever spoken?

Quiet.

I tried renting a quiet room in a library yesterday

They said "sorry, we're booked"

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the best thing about a blow job?

Ten minutes peace and quiet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are on a cruise ship that’s sinking

The rabbi yells, “save the kids!” Followed by the lawyer who responds, “nah, fuck the kids” the priest looks at them both and quietly says, “do you think we have time?”

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

What does a junkie have in common with a quiet kid?

Shooting up

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went ...

A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store

...unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From my four and a half year old, while we're playing Minecraft together

"Do you know how to make the cows quiet daddy?"

Me: "I guess you just turn down the volume"

Him: "No, you press the moooot button!"

Good kid, good kid ... Made me laugh anyways

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Local knowledge

A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town.
A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results we...

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

The movie “A Quiet Place” is based on a Jeff Dunham skit.

SILENCE!! THEY KEEEL YOU!!!

I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it....

At least when they know I'm there

The Southern Grandma

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She respo...

Martyrs

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I off took my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept up the stairs very quietly..

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on a fucking bus!!!!!

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

A 2 girls and their dad are sitting in a car.

Girl: Dad, why am I named Rose?
Dad: Because a rose fell on your nose as we were leaving the hospital.
Girl 2: **caveman noises**
Dad: Be quiet, Brick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keep Quiet and take it

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into...

I'm gonna make a western about a mute lawman.

Quiet Earp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse"

has never stepped on one.

Some German cars are very quiet.

They are barely audi-ble

What's a short, quiet Hawaiian laugh?

Aloha.

So, me and my girlfriend were walking to the store once, when she suddenly collapsed to the ground.

She said "It's a medical condition. I won't be able to walk for the next hour."

Well, I couldn't just leave her there. I loved her, we had been together for years.

So, I picked her up bridal style, and started walking. I knew that we had to cancel our date, but that's okay. I knew that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

I guess you could say playing quietly.......

Just isnt my forte

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

Peeing on my flowers. Long

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle b...

A professor asks a math student, an engineering student and a medical student what 2+2=...

A professor asked a math student, an engineering student and a medical student, "What is two plus two?"

The math student excitedly states: "That is a solvable problem. The set of integers is a closed system under addition. Two is an integer, so the sum of 2 and 2 must also be an integer. Supp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He's yells out "oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me."

Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his...

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

Walking down a quiet road the other day, I noticed there was a house on fire and people screaming inside.

So I ran up to the front door and said, "How many of you are there?"

"Four!" shouted a man.

"What ages?" I shouted.

"40, 48, and two children, 12, and 3," the man screamed.

"Excellent," I replied. "Excellent."

"So what are you doing? Aren't you going to do anything...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

Two old men were sitting quietly in a bar.

“When was the last time you made love to a woman?” the first man asked.

“It was 1945,” replied the other.

“My goodness!” exclaimed the first man. “That’s a long time ago.”

“Not really,” said the other man, glancing at his watch. “It’s only twenty past eight now.”

An American man, a Russian man and a Chinese man are in a car...

They reach an unmarked intersection and stop to decide where they should continue.

The American man scoffs: "I'm for pure capitalism, and that's right-wing. We'll turn right!"

The Russian frowns: "Communism is the natural order, and that's left-wing. We shall turn left!"

The Chi...

Three daughters

A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”

The second daughter, now ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor calls me and says

Neighbor: "Your wife is too loud when she orgasms, I can hear her all the way to my house. You should do something about it"

Me: "Sorry to hear that, when I'll be back from my vacation I'll tell her to be more quiet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

Unhappy man with his little dude

A old man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He quietly orders a beer when suddenly this tiny dude pops out of his shirt pocket. The bartender is amazed, “I’ve never such a tiny dude before.!” The old man quietly grumbles as he pulls out a tiny piano and places it on the bar. Immediatel...

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

Quiet and Trouble

Once upon a time there lived two brothers called Quiet and Trouble. One day the both of them got lost in a fair.

A policeman found Quiet who looked visibly distressed. The cop asked him "What's the matter boy,what's your name?"

Quiet said the boy. The cop angrily replied "Are you looki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

Afte...

Why is the bathroom so quiet at your psychiatrist’s office?

Because the P is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist pleaded with me, “You need to go out more! Take up a hobby! Stop doing weird things!” I replied quietly, “Well, I went to the zoo." The therapist exclaimed proudly, “That’s what I mean! Did you get anything from that?!”

I slowly opened my coat and whispered, “I got this penguin..."

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.