My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the ba...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” ...

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

Family having Specially Planned Dinner on Mother's Day, But the Mother was So Quiet....

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t e...

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Why is rabbit sex so quiet?

Cotton Balls.

Trouble, Shut up and Be Quiet

There were these three redneck brothers whose parents had named them Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

One day they were driving down the road when Trouble had to pee. They stopped and let Trouble out and he went into the forest.

30 minutes later Trouble had not shown back up. A cop saw...

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

I'm driving slowly down a quiet street with no one in sight.

I come up to a stop sign and slow down and it's quite obvious that there's no one remotely near the intersection because there's perfect visibility in all direction.

Just when I cross the intersection a motorcycle cop pops out from behind some bushes where he was hiding. Apparently there was...

what do call a quiet Russian bee?

a cagey bee

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar

A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar when notices a gorilla walking in. The bartender dashes towards the manager’s office in a shocked expression.

“Sir, uh, we have a gorilla in the bar,” says the bartender.

“Well son, go ask what they want,” says the manager.

The bar...

Q: Why do movie makers not make a cross-over movie between "A Quiet Place" and "IT"?

A: They already know that it is going to be "ShhhhIT"

What does a junkie have in common with a quiet kid?

Shooting up

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Keep Quiet and take it

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into...

Stalking is when two people go for a quiet walk in the woods.

But only one of them knows about it.

I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it....

At least when they know I'm there

I tried renting a quiet room in a library yesterday

They said "sorry, we're booked"

Walking down a quiet road the other day, I noticed there was a house on fire and people screaming inside.

So I ran up to the front door and said, "How many of you are there?"

"Four!" shouted a man.

"What ages?" I shouted.

"40, 48, and two children, 12, and 3," the man screamed.

"Excellent," I replied. "Excellent."

"So what are you doing? Aren't you going to do anything...

Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse"

has never stepped on one.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

What's a short, quiet Hawaiian laugh?

Aloha.

Quiet and Trouble

Once upon a time there lived two brothers called Quiet and Trouble. One day the both of them got lost in a fair.

A policeman found Quiet who looked visibly distressed. The cop asked him "What's the matter boy,what's your name?"

Quiet said the boy. The cop angrily replied "Are you looki...

Why is the bathroom so quiet at your psychiatrist’s office?

Because the P is silent.

Some German cars are very quiet.

They are barely audi-ble

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Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

Afte...

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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through his family pictures, "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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My wife took me to a quiet place and we sat down.

She looked into my eyes and said, "Honey, I've got to tell you this...There's a reason why I've put on weight and why I look so bloated. It begins with 'B' and ends with 'Y'..."

"Fucking hell. You're pregnant?" I asked.

She said, "No, there was a sale on at the bakery."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

The Titanic was relatively quiet before the disaster.

If only someone had broken the ice.

What do you call a quiet mythical sea creature?

A murmurmaid

A priest is taking confessions late on a quiet night...

...and after a while hears a man stumble up to the booth, clumsily enter and sit down. The priest can clearly smell the reek of alchol and assumes the gentlemen is rather drunk.

The priest waits for the man to begin but after several minutes of silence he starts to wonder if the man has fall...

It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

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A group of guys are having a quiet drink at the bar one night...

when an older man shouts from across the room, "I fucked your mother!"

The guys ignore him and continue talking amongst themselves.

A few minutes later the man shouts over again. "Your mother has sucked my cock!"

Again they ignore him and continue with their conversation.
...

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Why was the S&M phone sex caller so quiet?

Because he was tongue tied!

It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now.

So quiet you can hear an email being deleted

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

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A very quiet man married a naggy wife

He's a good provider and makes a lot of money as a farmer. Despite giving her everything she wants, she still complains and nags him everyday. Years into the marriage, he starts to feel fed up being nagged by the wife. One day he took his wife to his farm and pushed her into a 10 foot deep hole. Fro...

A man decides to ask out the quiet girl from town...

He shows up to her home and asks her mother to call for her. The only thing to do in their small town is a carnival in town so after a long quiet drive they make it to the fair. After walking around not talking the man, frustrated, asks her, "What did you have in mind for tonight?" She responds, "we...

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Two prostitutes are walking along a quiet street at night...

...when they encounter a policeman standing in a doorway. "Good evening ladies" he says..."I know what you are doing" he continues...
"Have you ever been picked up by The Fuzz?" he enquires...


The two girls both look knowingly at one another and one of them sighs "No, but I've been swu...

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At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: " I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.".. A voice from the front of the audience yells out: "Then fuckin stop clapping, ya fuckin cunt"

This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet.

So I took her to the library.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange?

"Be quiet! I'm concentrating!"

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circum...

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What's the best thing about oral sex?

The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!

Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is £250

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The telephone rings in quiet suburban British home...

A woman answers "Hello" immediately she hears heavy breathing and fapping sounds. Then a mans voice says in a low creepy gravel tone " Uughhhh I bet you have a fat...hairy...smelly....CUNT!?"

To which she cheerfully replies "Yes! He's just watching telly now. Would you like to speak with him...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend

and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.

I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.

It's quiet...too quiet...

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner?

She had to buy a duet yourself kit...

*-drops mic-*

*-mike jumps up and promptly kicks hatter in the shin-*

A quiet cottage applied to be a part of the Boisterous Domicile Club

They refused him entry.

They said he wouldn't be a loud inn.

Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?

In case you wake the sleeping pills!

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It was a quiet night...

...and a man fresh off of work decided to get a drink on his way home. Having gotten a recommendation from a coworker, he headed to a classy bar on the top floor of a nice hotel. To his surprise, there is only the bartender and one other patron sitting in the corner. He sits and orders a drink, keep...

Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet?

Because thimbles aren't very loud.

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger.

A few minutes had passed and the whole
trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
...

What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat?

A shh-kebab.
---
I love you too, fellas.

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A group of young men are having a quiet drink in the pub...

when an absolutely wasted older guy starts shouting towards the group.

"I fucked your mum!"

The group ignore him.

The guy continues, "Your mum takes it up the arse!"

The group can no longer ignore him, but try not to become agitated.

"Your mum loves my cock!"
...

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

Why is the sand so quiet?

Because the waves keep going "shhhhhh".

Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of tha...

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

The inmates in the Riverdale South prison didn't have enough down-time to repeat the same long jokes, so they started giving them numbers.

Every of the seasoned inmates knew the jokes the numbers represented by heart, and it saved on a lot of time telling jokes. The system worked. One day, a new inmate joined, and was flabberghasted when he saw the group of men taking turns shouting numbers. "Number twenty-three!" shouted one guy. The ...

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

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A man

Is walking down the street when he is approached by prostitute.

For $200 I’ll perform any act for you, she tells him, provided you can describe the act in three words.

The man thinks about the offer for less then a moment and gives the woman $200.

Ok, tell me what you want me to...

I invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet.

It fits right over her mouth.

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

Teacher teacher ..[LONG]

TEACHER: What's wrong?

MUSA : Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye"

TEACHER: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don'...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?

Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

So he a...

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