UPJOKE
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Staying Jokes

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...
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A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door b...
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An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?
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The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
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My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.
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A man is staying in a hotel.

He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...
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Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."
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What did the mama cow say to their calf when she caught it staying up late?

Hay, it's pasture bedtime!
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I was staying the night in a haunted pub

Just as the clock struck midnight a ghostly police officer walked in through the wall and across my room and out through the other wall.

Next morning I told the landlord what I'd seen.

"Oh yes," he said, "that's the inn spectre".
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A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Loo...
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A couple celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

The couple walk up to the front desk to check-in.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
The husband holding his wife's hand: I would like your most beautiful room please.
Receptionist: Sure! For how long would you like to stay?
The Husband: 1 night please.
Receptionist: One whole n...
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What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...
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Staying at a house that talks.

In a manor of speaking.
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Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.
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Little Johnny was staying the vacation at grandpa's.

Little Johnny asked grandpa if he could get him something to drink? Grandpa went to the kitchen to get Johnny some lemonade.
Whe Grandpa got back from the kitchen little Johnny threw a bucket at grandpa's feet. Grandpa lost his temper and shouted "why the hell did you do that you little brat?!"...
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My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...
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My 2019 was about staying away from people being negative..

My 2020 was about staying away from people being positive..
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People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy

...but really, sleep is for the week
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Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?

The Cowboys Stadium.

Because they can't catch anything there.
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I am driving through England, and am staying in Greenwich for a few days.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
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staying home because of Corona

When this lockdown will finally be over, the first thing I need to do is to relax at home for a few days.
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How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars
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What travels the world by staying in his corner ?

A stamps
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So I was staying at my uncles...

SO THIS IS A REAL STORY

My nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”

My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”

My nephews expression immediately drops,

“Daddy is she okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”

“Why do her bones jiggle?”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

There was a man staying the night in a hotel.

He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."

The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet."
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My Gran barely recognises me after I’ve been staying in Chernobyl for a few months.

It’s not surprising. I’ve grown another foot!
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Why do nuns have trouble staying celibate?

Hey, even Jesus gets nailed once a year!
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Grandma and Grandpa were staying over at their kids house.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I ...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...
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A man and his wife are staying in the living room

The husband asks the wife: if I die, would you marry someone else?

Of course not, replies the wife

What would you do? Asks the husband

I would go and live with my sister, replies the wife.

Then the wife asks the husband, if I died would you marry someone else?

Of c...
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What is the secret to staying thin?

Minimum wage.
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...
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A guy call the reception desk at the hotel where he is staying.

The receptionist answer and the man calmly says: please I need your help, my wife wants to jump out the window from the 10th floor. The receptionist says: It is late in the night sir and There is only me and a maintenance guy in the building, no one can help you. Besides it is a personal matter, I t...

I just realized Aang worked among the people instead of staying in seclusion (like the monks of the Air Nation).

This would make him an Air Friar.
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Mitzi came back from a weekend at her grandparents' house and told her mom she's never staying there again. "They just sat around the whole weekend and had nothing on!"



"Nothing on!," her mother cried out in horror.



"Yes," said Mitzi, "no TV, no computer, no Xbox..."
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Staying up all night just to realize that

I have insomnia
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Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.
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Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...
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What’s the secret to staying down-to-earth?

Gravity
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The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.
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One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Albert is staying in a nice hotel goes to the bar on the roof.

As he pulls up his stool, he asks the man next to him what he's having.
"Oh, this?" says the man. "This is magic beer."
"Bullshit." says Albert. "No such thing.
"Oh, yeah?" the man says. "Watch this."
The man then downs his beer, gets up and jumps off the roof.
In disbelief Albert se...

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I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

How to stay lean and fit

I once asked a 60 year guy what his secret was for staying lean and fit was?

He said, "find a fun lady, who's active, likes to do stuff outside ... and is a terrible cook."
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Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs...
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I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.

“Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. You’re fat, in your 40′s and given you’re staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven’t achieved much in your life.”
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My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...
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I'm thinking about staying in bed to watch a movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
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I was staying at a fancy hotel....

...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.

A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"

It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.
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A captain is giving orders to soldiers staying in line

After finishing he asked if anyone had a question to ask.

One of the soldiers asks “I’m sorry Sir, but why do your boots have different colours, one black and one brown?”

Captain realizes that he really has two different boots and says that he will go home and change them, and that s...
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