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Pro Jokes

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?

Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.

If pro is the opposite of con...

Then what's the opposite of progress?

Pro Life Tip

Don't get an abortion.

Why are net fishers pro-education?

Because their success depends on schools.

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

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A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town.

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town. He strikes up a friendship with little Timmy, who has a very rare disease. He promises to visit Timmy every week, and he keeps his promise.

He brings Timmy ice cream and pizza. He buys Timmy every star wars toy he can find. They ...

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union...

then that's a red flag

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Porn is a lot like pro wrestling...

All of it is exciting at first, and it's great to watch when you're free, but when you know how much of it is fake, it gets boring fast.

What do Pro-Vaxxers and Anti-Vaxxers have in common?

They'll never be fully vaccinated.

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

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The old man and the golf pro

At the golf course one day, an elderly man challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the man, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even things up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but ...

I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.

The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?”

“Between the first and second hole”, she answers.

The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.

Pro tip on how to pick up girls

Lift with your legs

I'm a Pro and Master.

Of Crastination and Bation, respectively.

A golf pro...

...is sitting at the clubhouse bar, when the bartender says:

"Long day?"

"Yeah, spent all morning dealing with these know-it-all's from--"

All of a sudden a man runs in screaming:

"My wife! She's allergic to bees, she got stung between the 1st and 2nd hole!"

The g...

Why did Russia choose “Z” as their pro-war logo?

Because everyone who doesn’t agree with Putin is a “not-Z”!

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

Why are republicans pro-life?

Can’t molest what isn’t born!

How do pro-lifers clean up after jacking off?

By using baby wipes.

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

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The Golf Pro

A golf pro is going over his morning instruction list and sees the usual: a lawyer, a CEO, etc… Looking down the list, he sees someone who listed prostitute. Finally, someone different!

He meets her out on the putting green and introduces himself. “I would like to start your lessons by seeing...

I am pro Trump

Taking hydroxychloroquine

How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

What do you name a pro-choice dog?

Rover Wade

Why is Chewbacca considered a pro?

Because he doesn't make wookie mistakes.

I’m pro-life

My life

Pro-life or Pro-choice?

I'm really unsure how to feel about planned parenthood and abortion. I mean, on one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women a choice.

Damn...

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

If the opposite of “pro” is “con,”

Then is the opposite of “progress” “Congress?”

My son says he came up with this. I thought it was pretty clever. Have you heard it before?

Life Pro Tip

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

That pro-crime culture is getting ridiculous!

My little brother's teacher asked "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?". He answered "John Wilkes Booth", and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" painted on it.

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

A quid pro quo?

More like acquit pro quo

I took golf lessons from a pro, because my swing was so bad

He asked me to hit a few shots with my driver, a 5 wood, the 3, 5, and 7 irons

He said, “I see your problem. You are standing too close to the ball, after you’ve hit it.”

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

Everybody loves the iPhone X, XS and 11 Pro...

Because their top notch

I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game

But good players are hard to find

Con is the opposite of pro, and con is bad.

So if we want to turn the constitution into something better, then we should change it to...

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

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My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

My wife ...

A comedian was fighting a pro boxer

The comedian told a joke. Then the comedian punched the pro boxer in the face. The the comedian asked did you get my punchline?

Two men are going golfing, when one stops by the pro shop...

"I need to get a sleeve of balls, you want me to pick you up some"



"No thanks. I just need this one."



"Just one ball? What if you hit it deep into the woods?"



"Well, it makes a whistle after you hit it. Can't lose it. I only need this one."

...

Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player?

He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.

A pro Limbo Dancer walks into a bar.

He is immediately disqualified from the competition.

Who has two thumbs and is pro-evolution?

Not horses

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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

What do you call a pro-choice music festival?

Bangers for Hangers

I don't say "hey" Pro Bono

A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”

Financial Planning like a pro

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial plannin...

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

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Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

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Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach?

it's not hard

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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

You should buy the new Mac Pro

It has a grate design.

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."



The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

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Pro tip: Don't argue with your spouse at night.

Its a waste of your fucking time.

I’ll tell you what quid pro quo means...

But you have to give me something first.

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What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.

How do we know these words are opposites?

They are derived from progress and congress.

Did you hear about the time Chad Muska lost the Tampa Pro competition?

He shed THREE MUSKA TEARS

I got the body of a pro athlete

... in ESports

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That's My Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

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A pro ?

I asked a friend. If there are a 1000 dicks on the wall how many do u choke on

Friend says. None ?

Never knew my friend was such a pro ....

[Political] What's a pro-choicer's favorite metal band?

Dying Fetus

In Toronto it's snowing so hard right now that it's become pro-China ...

In other words, its a Blizzard.

I feel sorry for the guy who lost his iPhone 13 Pro on the bus yesterday, I really do…

…but I wish he’d stop calling me on my new cell.

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,



“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”



The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,



“Before you tell that jok...

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

A lady golfer runs into the pro shop with tears running down her face.

"Help!" she cries. "I've been stung by a killer hornet!"

"Where?" asks the pro.

"Between the first and second holes!" wails the lady golfer.

"Hmm..." says the pro. "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

I'm a pro at sleeping

I can even do it with my eyes closed

LifeProTip: If you have a bad cough.

Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.

My wife was pro-life

Until I got my girlfriend pregnant!

My mom's pro choice. Her sister is anti-abortion

It's a terrible nickname, but she's had four.

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What do pro-life activists call a chronic masturbator?

Jack-off the Ripper.

I tried to get a lawyer pro bono but found it impossible

Every one I contacted hated U2

My Dad's a pro at Hide and Seek.

It's been 20 years since I last saw him.

If I was a pro-life picketer

My sign would say "You Can't De-Fetus!"

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Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his GoPro into the ocean?

There Goes My Hero!

A pro life advocate asked me how I’d feel if I was aborted

I wouldn’t.

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers

throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I got on a plane the other day. As we were about to depart, a pro-life group ran out on the runway in protest.

Ironically, the pilot had to abort the takeoff.

Which brings a question to mind…. When does flight truly begin? Boarding? Taxiing? Takeoff? Some would have you believe it’s not a flight yet even during final descent.

How do you stop pro-life protesters from dropping their phones?

Stop roundhouse kicking them.

Why aren't there any pro-anti-vaxx jokes on Reddit?

Cause one year olds can't type.

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