UPJOKE
give upresignleaverenounceretiredepartrelinquishceasediscontinuestopforeswearabandontake leaveleave officevacate

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor the first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

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The train was quite crowded.

A US marine walked the entire length of the train, looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle, owned by a well dressed, middle-aged, French Woman.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may i have that seat ?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in parti...

Just quit my job at the helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I had to quit a broom factory

Because it really swept me away

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(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

I quit smoking cold turkey.

Hot ones finish faster.

Most of the staff at the cemetery quit recently

I heard they’ve had to run the place with a skeleton crew.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

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I quit watching porn…

Not because it’s bad, but because I watched it all.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs.

Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".

My brother compared religion to ghosts, which I thought was quite disrespectful.

Ghosts never started a war.

My can opener quit working last night.

Guess its a cant opener now.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

Had to quit my job at the watch factory.

The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.

Finally quit my job at the lumber yard

I was so tired of doing all of the work because nobody else wood.

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Why did the guy quit his job at the turd balancing factory?

He couldn’t stand that shit. 😂

My wife asked me to please quit singing Wonderwall in the shower

I said maybe.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn’t get arrays.

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I quit going to my therapist after I told her I was scared of The Backstreet Boys

She asked me to tell her why.

I used to be a butcher but I quit...

One day I backed up into the meat grinder,
I got a little behind in my work.

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

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My gf told me we couldn't afford beer and I would have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending $80 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up beer and she didn't have to give up makeup.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her the beer was doing the same shit for cheaper. I don't think she is coming back home.

Why did the Buddha quit gmail?

Because of the attachments.

If you ever want to quit drinking eat Twizzlers because they’re not alcohol but...

They’re liquorish.

I'm gonna quit the rat race and become a sculptor.

One of my mates did it, and he's already made six figures!

The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job

Convince me otherwise

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn’t landing any good roles.

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I Just quit drinking.

So an older man in Ireland is drinking in the pub and he orders three beers and dranks them all down. He orders three more and dranks those down. The bartender says "Hey you don't have too order three beers each time I can keep pouring you a cold one." The older man says "Well you see I have two bro...

My cook quit after the main course...

... I guess he desserted.

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

Why did the banker quit his job?

Because he lost interest.

I decided to quit drinking everyday.

Instead, I'll drink every night.

Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?

He got crêped out.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

I was going to quit my passtime as a public flasher...

But I decided to stick it out a little longer.

Have you heard about the gynecologist who quit his job?

Yeah so he became a mechanic.

Went to school and for the first test, he had to disassemble then reassemble an engine.

He got a %150. He got confused and asked his teacher how he got that grade.

Teacher says, "I gave you %50 for taking it apart, %50 for reassembling it and runnin...

Time to Quit Drinking

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate...

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tak...

I'm going to quit my job and market a line of active-adult diapers and underwear liners with a feline theme.

Gonna call them Puma Pants.

Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?

He didn't like dealing with reservations.

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

My wife quit her job last year...

To pursue a career in, what I can only assume, is a pyramid scheme. I was worried at first because I don't understand how anyone can make money selling *only* fans, but she raked in 100k last year so I guess she's got a knack for it.

I’m Quitting Wild Turkey

Cold Turkey

I used to work at a chemical factory, but I had to quit

It was a toxic environment

I had to quit my job helping foreign tourists with a place to sleep while they were traveling.

It was a Hostel work environment.

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

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There's nothing quite like waking up to sex in the morning...

There's nothing quite like waking up to sex in the morning...

... unless you're in prison!

what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer?

..... a father in law.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

I got fired from Arby's because I couldn't quit scratching my junk.

I don't see what I did wrong! I mean, I had gloves on.

How did a man quit drinking forever?

"Alright me, let's make a deal. I can only drink under 1 condition now, but whenever it's met I can drink as much as I want. And that condition is...WHENEVER I FIND AN ORIGINAL JOKE!"

I quit my job over religious differences.

My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was tired of people talking behind his back.

Waka Waka.

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

Quit worrying about life.

You won't survive it anyway.

Why did the air vent quit its job?

It wasn't a fan

My friend decided to quit almost all social media, but suddenly got addicted to the latest one by Meta.

He is hanging on…by a Thread.

had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

Why'd the CEO of Peloton quit?

He got tired of Peddling exercise bikes.

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

Quitting drugs for good is easy

I do it all the time!

I once had a job testing barbells, but I had to quit.

I couldn't handle the pressure.

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop.

So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.

A few months ago, a friend of ours decided to quit his job to try to become a mime.

Haven’t heard from him since.

After reading this joke, you will quit cheating forever

Two years ago, I applied for a job at a major conpqny. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But we're still...

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
<...

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

I don’t quite understand this hate against vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with them.

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

You know I actually quite like the Burj Khalifa

Despite its many floors.

Competitive kite flying was a lot of fun but I eventually had to quit.

Too many strings attached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My General Manager at work, told me I need to quit masturbating...

When I asked why, he told me because you're still on the clock... And to go home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. A guy is trying to quit smoking

He tries out nicotine patches and they work great. He goes into a public restroom and sees another guy at the urinal with the same brand patch on his dick. He asks the man "Does that actually work?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Yes! Im down to two butts a day!"

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

I had to quit going to the chiropractor ...

I felt he was always trying to manipulate me.

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Fuck you I quit

Boss: I understand, but we will need your password so we can login to your pc and reset it.

Me: “Fuck you I quit”

Boss: “here just write it down on this piece of paper for me.

Me: ...scribble scribble “Fuck you i quit”... hand the piece of paper back to my boss.

Boss: ...

A quite mean joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
Th...

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...

...but the steaks were too high

Had to quit playing the triangle last week

It was just one ting after another!

Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

So Chris Brown has quit music...

Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

I quit cold turkey!

Now I only eat hot turkey. Reheat those leftovers people. Happy Thanksgiving!

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

I used to work at a parrot training facility but I had to quit.

I couldn't take all the talking behind my back.

I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!

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