UPJOKE
give upresignleaverenounceretiredepartrelinquishceasediscontinuestopabandondrop outleave offresignationthrow in

I quit my job at the Helium factory today

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

I’ve decided to quit using macOS and windows cold turkey

I’ve become a gnu man

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I Just quit drinking.

So an older man in Ireland is drinking in the pub and he orders three beers and dranks them all down. He orders three more and dranks those down. The bartender says "Hey you don't have too order three beers each time I can keep pouring you a cold one." The older man says "Well you see I have two bro...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I once had a job testing barbells, but I had to quit.

I couldn't handle the pressure.

My wife quit her job last year...

To pursue a career in, what I can only assume, is a pyramid scheme. I was worried at first because I don't understand how anyone can make money selling *only* fans, but she raked in 100k last year so I guess she's got a knack for it.

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

Competitive kite flying was a lot of fun but I eventually had to quit.

Too many strings attached.

I used to work at a parrot training facility but I had to quit.

I couldn't take all the talking behind my back.

The alligator, a huge fellow, is seen later and the crocodile, another huge fellow, is seen after a while. There’s a third fellow who is quite small, and you see him very soon. Why?

Because he just Caiman!

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

Why did the air vent quit its job?

It wasn't a fan

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My General Manager at work, told me I need to quit masturbating...

When I asked why, he told me because you're still on the clock... And to go home...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers

How did a man quit drinking forever?

"Alright me, let's make a deal. I can only drink under 1 condition now, but whenever it's met I can drink as much as I want. And that condition is...WHENEVER I FIND AN ORIGINAL JOKE!"

I had to call it quits

I tried adopting a puppy, but it was so hard, I had to call it quits.



Anyways, so this is my puppy, Quits.

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

Time to Quit Drinking

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate...

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(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

I am the best at quitting smoking.

I do it all the time.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

Moving to Louisiana after living in California has been quite difficult

New Orleans is fine, but it's NOLA

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was tired of people talking behind his back.

Waka Waka.

What did Selensky think when he quit Comedy to become the Ukranian president?

"I am so done with bombing!"

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

I quit my job as a banker…

I lost interest.

I had to quit a broom factory

Because it really swept me away

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

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One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...

...but the steaks were too high

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is quite unrealistic but at least they got one thing right

The moment Charlie found that ticket all the scalpers started coming out.

Why'd the CEO of Peloton quit?

He got tired of Peddling exercise bikes.

My friend quit his job down at the can crushing facility.

He told me it was soda pressing.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . .

. . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

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Chief Weatherman

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

N...

Had to quit my job at the watch factory.

The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.

Did you hear about the guy who immediately found a job after quitting from the helium factory?

Their references spoke very highly of them.

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

A woman going into labour gets rushed to hospital…

Upon arrival she gets taken to the delivery suite where she’s introduced to the Dr who’ll be overseeing the birth…

After quite some time on the delivery table, and somewhat of a struggle, she finally gives birth.

The Dr on duty is the first to take the baby in his arms, and after a b...

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

Why did God create gold chains?

So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving!

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

"As good as this bar is" says the Scotsman…

"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you...

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw ...

There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.

Clint EatsWood.

I quit using drugs for good!

Now I use them for evil.

One day at the job site, our whole crew could overhear our co-worker Tom on the phone with his wife...

"Sure darling," he said. "Buy yourself the watch. You deserve it.... Yes, my dear, get the one with the diamonds."

"Woah, check out Tom, buying his wife a new diamond watch. What did he win the lottery?" One of the guys joked.

Tom continued on his call: "Darling, you're right. We have ...

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

I went to a Soviet drycleaners but didn't have the right money

They said they'd do it cheaper but I'd have to wait a while.

I had to ask them to quit Stalin, Putin a few Roubles and get these Marx off my Lenin.

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

The Cow Did

There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and ...

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

Quit worrying about life.

You won't survive it anyway.

I had to quit going to the chiropractor ...

I felt he was always trying to manipulate me.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

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a man joins the navy

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you,...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

A man joins a monastery where you may only speak once a year

After the first year he says to the head monk "food sucks".
After the second year he says "bed is hard"
After the 3rd year he says "I quit".

The head monk says " I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here".

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

I recently ran a ½ marathon.

Sounds better than I quit ½ way.

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

Time for another beer.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so. I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "ju...

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

About 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I decided to quit smoking….

It was decided that we would only smoke after having “adult time”. I’m down to 1 or 2 cigarettes a week, and I feel great. She’s up to 3 packs a day. Hang in there babe, you got this.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

Our infant son is quite disturbed

He keeps crying "OH WAH AH AH AH"

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, “what’s wrong?” The old man responds..

I’m married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed...

Had to quit playing the triangle last week

It was just one ting after another!

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

I don’t eat club sandwiches

I quit cold Turkey

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A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

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Keep ‘em Dry!

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench and enjoying a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain. One of the grannies digs in her purse and pulls out a condom from it’s wrapper. She slides her cigarette inside the rubber and smiles, now her cigarette won’t get soaked by the rain.
“Mary, wher...

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

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a kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation...

A kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation.

Bartender:Don't see to many kangaroos in here, what can I get ya?
Kangaroo: I'm not feeling myself, want something that takes me back to my roots.

The bartender pours a beer and gives it to the kangaroo. The kangaroo drinks it.

K...

A man with no arms no legs and no torso goes to a bar on his 21st birthday

As it is 21st birthday he decides to go to a bar with his family and get his first beer.

The barkeep pours the beer into the man’s mouth and magically, to his amazement, he grows a torso. The man so stunned and happy decides to go and buy another beer.

The barkeep again pours the bee...

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a quiet whisper right next to him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he hears, quietly but clearly, "Wow, you've got really great hair!" Confused, the man looks around for a moment and sees nobody else around him and concludes that he must be hearing things.

After sitting drinking his beer and snacking on some nuts at the bar for a wh...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base….

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It’s quite urgent**

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw t...

The entire crew of the first manned mission to Jupiter died upon reaching the planet...

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

I used to play the triangle in the symphony but I quit.

I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was just one 'ting' after another.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

I am not saying my ex wife was ugly...

But I had to quit my job, so I didn't have to kiss her goodbye in the morning.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon.

He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm much too small!"
"Wow!, a talking salmon", the fisherman exclaimed, "What's your name?
"Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back into the sea!" The fisherman did so.
About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot wh...

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

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New Monk

A man joins a monastery and is told he will have to take a vow of silence, and can only speak two words to the High Council every ten years on a special holy day.

He agrees, and spends ten years in contemplation. On the holy day he is seated before the council and says "Food bland". And goes ...

I can quit alcohol at any point I want...

I've already done 3 times before!

I quit my job at the high ceiling store after one day.

Everything there went way over my head.

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

I finally have quit gambling...

I do cryptos now.

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

My girlfriend said, "If you don't quit drinking, I'll leave you."

I never expect to hear two bits of good news in one day.

My aunt (quite rightly) slapped my uncle for trying to get to first base with her in public.

I bet he felt a right tit.

Suit

Two business partners bought a special lot of suits. In the lot was a purple one, which they couldn't sell. One of the partners became so angry about the purple suit, he went home, I won't be back until you sell it, he said furiously, slamming the door behind him. His partner called him at home in ...

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to try and quit smoking

"Doc, you've got to help me, I have tried all the conventional methods of quitting smoking, and none have worked. Do you have any drastic cures?"

The doctor replies "well, there is something I know for this. Every night before bed, take a cigarette from the packet and put it up your rectum, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?

He quit after one shot in the bunker.

Joke from my old pastor

A preacher, a kid, a doctor, and a lawyer all went on an afternoon plane ride


About an hour in the plane begins to feel turbulence and after a few minutes the pilot comes back and says "there's nothing I can do we're going down" so he grabs a parachute and he jumps


The doctor h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

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