Thank God I finally quit exaggerating

I used to do it at least a hundred times a day

Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost his interest.

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing

Why did Paul McCartney quit the Beatles?

He drank RedBull.

I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

I quit my job as a crayon artist yesterday.

It wasn't all it was chalked up to be.

I want to quit my job and start a non-profit organization...

...but my wife insists that it doesn’t sound like a good business decision.

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

I quit my gym membership today

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders

BoJo’s brother quit being an MP today.

It’s a slightly disappointing end to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her.

She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the guy quit his job at the turd balancing factory?

He couldn’t stand that shit. 😂

A judge who quit after dismissing a ton of charges decided to give it another try.

Nobody likes acquiter.

Just quit my job at the Helium factory.

There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man quit his job at the Viagra factory?

Because he wasn't getting a raise... yeah :/

I used to work in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.

I felt it wasn't going anywhere.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

Who says it`s hard to quit smoking?

I quit 5 times already.

I finally quit drinking for good!

Now I only drink for evil.

I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

My wife and I agreed that if I ever quit working we would sever ties

Because I wouldn't have a use for them anymore.

I finally quit doing drugs.

It was high time.

I told myself I should quit drinking.

Then I thought about for a moment and realized I shouldn't be listening to some drunk who talks to himself.

I quit drinking for a week.

From now on I’m drinking for a month.

I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit

And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...

Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

My friend told me to quit acting like a flamingo....

I had to put my foot down.

Apparently Sarah Sanders has quit her job.

I won’t believe the news until I hear her personally deny it.

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I quit going to my therapist after I told her I was scared of The Backstreet Boys

She asked me to tell her why.

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

I used to be a farmer but I quit...

I woke up one day and realised I was in The wrong field.

I've quit drinking for 9 years

Then I turned 10

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”

She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

I used to be a history teacher but I quit...

I just couldn't see a future in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Quasimodo is fed up of being the bell ringer of Notre Dame and wants to quit...

He puts an ad out in the newspaper,

"NEW BELL RINGER NEEDED FOR NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL, TRIALS THIS SUNDAY AT THE BELL TOWER".

Sunday comes around and Quasimodo is waiting patiently at the base of his tower. No one has turned up and he's losing faith that anyone will before the Sunday s...

What does a communist say after they rage quit a video game?

I don’t know either, but they’ll probably be uninStalin the game.

I quit drinking once.

Toughest forty five minutes of my life.

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

I used to be a 911 operator but I quit...

It just wasn't my calling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I really wish my friend would quit his job.

Every time I ask him about work, he gets annoyed and tells me it’s boring. Literally every time. He’s been fine except when I ask him about work. I wish he’d just quit, because he used to be so much fun before he started his new job a few months ago. We haven’t spoken in a week because he flew off t...

So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician...

Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week

I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast.

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

Why did Barty Crouch quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

Did you hear that Jesus had to quit working out?

Yeah, he did crossfit for so long, it took him three days to recover

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

Quit While You’re Ahead

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old...

I used to be an avid hunter of wolves, but I had to quit. I got addicted to it...

I was up to two packs a day.



True story.

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

"Hey buddy! Don't quit your day job!"

-Me, to someone who's doing real great at their day job

I quit my job as a paperboy

So if you think I've got news for you, I've got news for you.

Why Did Michael Jackson's Guitarist Quit?

Michael asked him to drop the G-string and put the D into A minor.

I used to be a butcher but I quit...

One day I backed up into the meat grinder,
I got a little behind in my work.

After reading about the effects of smoking and drinking I've decided to quit

Reading.

I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...

Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It’s all in the delivery.

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn’t landing any good roles.

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

Did you hear about the guy that quit his job at a quilt filling factory?

He said he was fed up of feeling down...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.
<...

What did the chocolate bank hire when their employee quit?

A Nutella

Why did the obstetrician quit her job at age of 35?

She was having a midwife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work as a prostitute...

... due to lack of fucks to give I quit my job.

What do you call a Catholic Priest that's trying to quit smoking?

A serial vapist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

Why did the crematorium tech quit?

Not enough urnings.

So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another
man of your caliber!"

My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.

So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to quit.

It was just one ting after another.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

my mom told me to quit singing wonderwall

i said maybe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, my psychic told me I was going to win the lottery, and quit my job.

This morning, I told my boss to kiss my ass and walked out. I'm halfway there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

I’m writing a musical about a meteorologist who wants to quit his job

It’s called Weather or Not.

I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...

...it was just plane boring.

I quit my first job as a bartender in a strip club

Because I hated working hard

Why did Jack quit his job at airport security?

Because no one ever said hi to him.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Why did the fish quit smoking?

He didn't want to get hooked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first joke post. nsfw. also long read.

so a japanese man living in the u.s. hires a hooker.

right before they get into it, the hooker asks the man a question:
"are you Japanese or Chinese?"
Confused and bewildered the man says
"Why do you need to know that?"
the woman replies
"Well I heard that Chinese men are grea...

I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit.

Buddy: "Why did you-"

Me: "Timing."

Buddy: "quit?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his ...

Lawyer Joke :)

What's the difference between a Lawyer & a Hooker?
A hooker quits screwing you when you're dead :)

A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get g...

I quit my job over religious differences.

My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

My wife said she is divorcing me if I don’t quit making Red Hot Chili Peppers puns.

I assured her “We could put this all under the bridge and I would see her on the other side of it. Although I used to think I can’t stop I will because I don’t want her getting scar tissue emotionally. By the way, what’s for dinner?”

Anyway, she’s leaving me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate disappointing people in general. So instead of telling my boss I’m gonna quit...

I’ve been tweeting homophobic and racist epithets for 8 months now, but sadly I’m still here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally quit taking Viagra last week...

it wasn't as hard as I thought!

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