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(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was tired of people talking behind his back.

Waka Waka.

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

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One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

I quit my job as a banker…

I lost interest.

Why'd the CEO of Peloton quit?

He got tired of Peddling exercise bikes.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is quite unrealistic but at least they got one thing right

The moment Charlie found that ticket all the scalpers started coming out.

I've quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

Did you hear about the guy who immediately found a job after quitting from the helium factory?

Their references spoke very highly of them.

I had to quit a broom factory

Because it really swept me away

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...

...but the steaks were too high

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

Our infant son is quite disturbed

He keeps crying "OH WAH AH AH AH"

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.

Clint EatsWood.

Every day I say to myself, John you have to quit drinking.

Thank god my name isn't John.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

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A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

I just quit my job at the quarry

they took worker safety for granite.

My friend quit his job down at the can crushing facility.

He told me it was soda pressing.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

I quit using drugs for good!

Now I use them for evil.

I don't get why people think it's so difficult to quit smoking

I've quit 5 times already

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

Quit worrying about life.

You won't survive it anyway.

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

About 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I decided to quit smoking….

It was decided that we would only smoke after having “adult time”. I’m down to 1 or 2 cigarettes a week, and I feel great. She’s up to 3 packs a day. Hang in there babe, you got this.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

Had to quit playing the triangle last week

It was just one ting after another!

I had to quit going to the chiropractor ...

I felt he was always trying to manipulate me.

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

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A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

 Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..it reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on with out a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which reads...

The Bar & Brothel in town has quite a slogan..

Liquor up front, Poker in the rear

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

A man goes to a bar and orders three pints...

The bartender serves them and the man sits down and proceeds to drink one after the other until all three are gone. He returns the bar and orders three more, drinks them, and then returns to the bar once more...

The bartender says, "you know they'll stay colder and fresher if you order them o...

My girlfriend said, "If you don't quit drinking, I'll leave you."

I never expect to hear two bits of good news in one day.

I advertised a python for sale in the paper

a man rang up and said “What size is it?”
I replied “It’s quite big”

“How many feet?” he asked,

“None, it’s a snake...”

I quit my job at the high ceiling store after one day.

Everything there went way over my head.

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

My doctor said I had to quit drinking or I would be dead within a month.

I said "But doc, I love alcohol so much! Isn't there anything I could do?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Cry me a liver."

I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

I used to play the triangle in the symphony but I quit.

I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was just one 'ting' after another.

I can quit alcohol at any point I want...

I've already done 3 times before!

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

Bros Vs. Hoes. (credit to u/itshimstarwarrior)



*A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.*

**A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had...

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

A duck walks into a bar

The barman says "Good morning, whats your name?"
The Duck responds "Good morning, My name is Dewie"
The barman asks, "How has your day been?" As he pours the duck a drink
The duck responds "Great, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The barman replies "Q...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

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A man goes to the doctor to try and quit smoking

"Doc, you've got to help me, I have tried all the conventional methods of quitting smoking, and none have worked. Do you have any drastic cures?"

The doctor replies "well, there is something I know for this. Every night before bed, take a cigarette from the packet and put it up your rectum, a...

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

I've done my best to quit making innuendos, but it's hard.

So. Hard.

I finally have quit gambling...

I do cryptos now.

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

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Two Ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What ab...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it.

Too much backstory.

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Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

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Wanda needs a dishwasher repairman.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't b...

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.

As part of his vow, he can come before the Abbot once every five years and say whatever he wants, but it can only be two words long.

Five years come and go and the man stands before the Abbot . They ask if he has anything to say and he responds "Bad Food." He is then dismissed and returns to ...

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson

She left without a Tres

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I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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A group of friends encountered a swimming pool

Upon approaching a genie popped up and told them it was a magic pool. "Just jump in and mid-jump ask what you would like the water to turn into".

The first friend ran up to the pool, took a leap, yelled "BEER!" and what would you know? He landed in a pool full of beer!

After he got out...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

My wife's a pleaser

My wife loves to help others, even when someone doesn't appreciate her. I told her one evening she should quit trying to please everyone else all of the time. Her reply was, "But I wouldn't get anything else done if I'm just pleasing myself all the time." Damn I love that woman.

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers

The engineer quite upset, "What about them? We've had to wait here for 15 minutes!"

The doctor agreed, "I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetence!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's go talk to him! - Hey, George, what's going on with that
Group ahea...

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all live in the same apartment block and are in the lift together.

The brunette notices a very questionable and quite fresh semen stain on the wall of the lift.
"Look at that' she said. The redhead looks and says " Is that what I think it is? That's disgusting! Who would do such a thing?"
The blonde goes over to the stain, dabs her finger in it, tastes it and...

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy

I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking

My girl has legs that just won't quit.

Damn that Restless Leg Syndrome.

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

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A woman was in the middle of the affair, when her husband came home early

The lover was immediately sent to the closet. Little did the lover know, the child of the wife was there the entire time.

- It is really dark in here. - said the child.

- Yes, indeed. - answered the lover quitely after realising the situation.

- Do you like baseball? - asked th...

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

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A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet?

He already had all the tips he needed.

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

I beat my wife up this morning.

We're quite competitive when it comes to getting out of bed.

This wind is really picking up and it's quite chilly

Yeah, I'm not a fan

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"


"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.


Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to...

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The Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the ...

There's a lot of crossover between the Bible and Spongebob

Both are quite holey

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Daft Punk calls it quits

Maybe if we get lucky, they will get together one more time.

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

Why did jesus quit playing hockey?

He got nailed into the boards...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet..

I don't know why...

I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight...

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do yo...

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one though was dead Sirius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shizo Abe, Narendra Modi and Vladimir Putin are driving to an important conference.

It's nighttime and suddenly, their car breaks down in the middle of the countryside. They find shelter at a farm, the farmer offers them to sleep at his place but warns them: "I only have two spare beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn. It's quite warm in there, but there are a deer and a ...

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

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