Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

The human cannonball at the circus decided to quit...

"But you can't quit!", cried the ringmaster. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre??"

My wife was giving me a hard time about drinking too much over the weekend. I finally agreed to quit cold turkey.

I don't much care for leftovers anyway.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was Soda pressing.

I quit smoking for good...

Now I only smoke for evil.

I finally quit the job I hated and have decided to do what I love

Cocaine

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

I say it every year but I'm quitting Thanksgiving

...cold turkey

Quitting drugs is easy...

I've done it like a thousand times.

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quite while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I quit doing drugs.

It was high time.

Just quit my side job as an organ harvester. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It was too disheartening.

Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to quit acting and is going into pest control?

He's an ex-terminator.

I have tried to quit cold turkey; but...

It is just so tasty!

Being quite new in prison, I told my inmates the "50 shades of grey" joke today.

Turned out not to be a problem, as everyone seemed to be used to long sentences.

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

Sure is hard to keep it lit.

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

I never quite understood why so many people don’t get along with vegans.

I never had a beef with one.

My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

When did the autocannibal decide to quit?

When he threw up his hands and said, "that's it, I'm done."

After reading about all the negative effects of drinking and smoking I've decided to quit

reading

My wife told me to quit being immature...

...I said get out of my fort.

Most United States President these days are quite stubborn

Good thing both JFK and Lincoln were very open minded people.

I was quite embarrassed at how sweet I made my coffee this morning.

Imagine my sugarin'.

Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost his interest.

I quit my job translating Pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

I ended up quitting my job cause they promoted a little person to supervisor.

I just got sick of the micro managing.

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

Why did Paul McCartney quit the Beatles?

He drank RedBull.

Thank God I finally quit exaggerating

I used to do it at least a hundred times a day

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I finally quit watching porn.

My library card expired

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I decided to quit masturbating and so far it's been a success.

It's just been really hard.

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

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Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

BoJo’s brother quit being an MP today.

It’s a slightly disappointing end to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

I quit smoking once for six years after buying a forty two cent box of toothpicks...

...after six years they were pretty gross so I started smoking again.

I told my friend to get Lost, and he seemed quite offended.

But I thought it was a pretty good series.

A man sees something interesting at the top of a telephone pole, but he can’t quite figure out what it is. He climbs to the top, and sees it is a black box. He opens the box carefully...

He is shocked

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

Last time I went fishing I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don't quite remember the rest of the day.

All I really know is that I pulled a mussel

I quit my job as a crayon artist yesterday.

It wasn't all it was chalked up to be.

I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Just quit my job at the Helium factory.

There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

I have a feeling that quite a few people are getting "probed" over at Area 51 this weekend.

And its not by aliens.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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Why did the man quit his job at the Viagra factory?

Because he wasn't getting a raise... yeah :/

I quit my gym membership today

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders

Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her.

She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, bu...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special?

Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

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The cleanup work after sex can be quite exhausting

Especially reburying the body

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

I used to work in the office at a stationery firm but I quit.

I felt it wasn't going anywhere.

Who says it`s hard to quit smoking?

I quit 5 times already.

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

“You’re a funeral director? That must be quite the undertaking.”

Yes I make a killing!

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There once was a woman who was quite begat

She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.

She said it was fun in the breeding,

But found it was hell in the feeding.

When she saw there was no tit for Tat.

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

Apparently Sarah Sanders has quit her job.

I won’t believe the news until I hear her personally deny it.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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I quite like phone sex...

I quite like phone sex, but it's hard getting the phone out afterwards.

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

EDM is quite popular these days but it won't last

I'm not sure if it will stand the Tiesto of time

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

My wife and I agreed that if I ever quit working we would sever ties

Because I wouldn't have a use for them anymore.

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

I told myself I should quit drinking.

Then I thought about for a moment and realized I shouldn't be listening to some drunk who talks to himself.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

My friend told me to quit acting like a flamingo....

I had to put my foot down.

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My doctor advised me to quit doing Viagra.

It was not very hard.

I quit drinking for a week.

From now on I’m drinking for a month.

I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit

And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...

Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned

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Smoking sucks, so i tried to quit.

My wife and I had made a deal after we got married. We would only smoke after sex.


I haven't bought a pack since 2005


Only trouble is that she's up to three packs a day!

I used to be a history teacher but I quit...

I just couldn't see a future in it.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

One of my schoolmates became popular quite quickly.

as our shooting star.

What do you call someone who is slowly quitting medication?

A weaner.

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.

He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded dif...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

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I quit going to my therapist after I told her I was scared of The Backstreet Boys

She asked me to tell her why.

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I've quit drinking for 9 years

Then I turned 10

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?" 

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." 

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" ...

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

I used to be a farmer but I quit...

I woke up one day and realised I was in The wrong field.

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

Did you hear that Heaven’s web designer quit his job?

He felt it was wrong to tamper in God’s domain.

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

My family keeps telling me I have a serious lunchmeat problem

But I can't just quit cold turkey

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”

She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

There was an old priest....

....Who got tired of hearing almost everyone in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll Quit this position!"

Since everyone liked him, they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adulter...

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So Quasimodo is fed up of being the bell ringer of Notre Dame and wants to quit...

He puts an ad out in the newspaper,

"NEW BELL RINGER NEEDED FOR NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL, TRIALS THIS SUNDAY AT THE BELL TOWER".

Sunday comes around and Quasimodo is waiting patiently at the base of his tower. No one has turned up and he's losing faith that anyone will before the Sunday s...

What does a communist say after they rage quit a video game?

I don’t know either, but they’ll probably be uninStalin the game.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I was travelling through Saudi Arabia the other week, when I suddenly become quite peckish

So I stumbled into Mecca Donalds and ordered a double aloha snakbar.

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

I quit drinking once.

Toughest forty five minutes of my life.

I used to be a 911 operator but I quit...

It just wasn't my calling.

So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician...

Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

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[OC] I really wish my friend would quit his job.

Every time I ask him about work, he gets annoyed and tells me it’s boring. Literally every time. He’s been fine except when I ask him about work. I wish he’d just quit, because he used to be so much fun before he started his new job a few months ago. We haven’t spoken in a week because he flew off t...

Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult

You'd have to read in between the lines

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!

The two girls I met at a party were quite upset when I called them hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is 'conjoined twins'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it." He chuckled, Don't worry that's quite common."

Reluctantly relieved, I asked, "Really?"

"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."

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