I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

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My dog quit smoking the other day

She’s been a real bitch lately.

I never thought my love life would make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face....

Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

It was making him Moody.

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I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra. I quit almost immediately, though...

It was just one fucking ting after another.

I quit my job as an animator

without making a scene.

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

(Oldie but goodie) Why did Beethoven quit fishing?

Because you can’t tune a fish but you can tuna a piano

There's three nuns who want to quit being nuns, so they approach the head nun and ask, "Head nun, what can I do to stop being a nun?"

The head nun replies, "You each must commit one sin tonight then come back tomorrow and drink from a cup of holy water. Only then will you not be a nun anymore."

So the three nuns nod their heads in agreement and leave to go sin. When they come back the next day, the head nun asks the first n...

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

Why did the asteroid quit his job and move to LA?

He wanted to be a stand-up comet.

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

I quit cold turkey!

Now I only eat hot turkey. Reheat those leftovers people. Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeh, I gave 'em my too weak notice

I had to quit my job at the Corps of Engineers.

That job was just one dam thing after another.

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

I had a job canning drinks at a factory but have recently quit

It was soda pressing

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband‘s voice right.

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

It sure is hard to keep lit.

I told myself I really need to quit drinking

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to themselves?

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business!

I decided to quit the daily grind, move to Mongolia, and pursue my lifelong dream of being a poet.

Started my life all over again is scary, but it has its prose and Kahns.

I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

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My friend wanted to know why I quit golf

I’m tired of any game where I keep slicing my balls in the woods

I've decided to quit wearing my glasses for the rest of the year,

frankly I've seen enough.

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NSFW. A guy is trying to quit smoking

He tries out nicotine patches and they work great. He goes into a public restroom and sees another guy at the urinal with the same brand patch on his dick. He asks the man "Does that actually work?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Yes! Im down to two butts a day!"

People say I can be quite dismissive

But what the hell do they know?

The best thing about quitting coffee for good...

...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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Quit my job as a septic cleaner

I'm done taking shit from people

i quit drinking for good!

now i only drink for bad

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Why did the shark quit dating_

Even though there are still many fish in the sea, he was netted into a relationship and got catfished.

Jerry Seinfeld had to quit telling his jokes from a hot air balloon.

They all went over our heads.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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I had sex with Joseph Stalin once it was quite exciting. When I said: "Im coming" He said: "No"

"WE are coming"

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

I quit the band

now I just play with myself

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m ...

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

Fifth one— Dead Sirius.

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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Fuck you I quit

Boss: I understand, but we will need your password so we can login to your pc and reset it.

Me: “Fuck you I quit”

Boss: “here just write it down on this piece of paper for me.

Me: ...scribble scribble “Fuck you i quit”... hand the piece of paper back to my boss.

Boss: ...

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

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(repost for changed title) Sexual acts and a good book are quite similar

The climax is usually the best part.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Every weekend I tell myself "John, you gotta quit drinking man"

Good thing my name's not John..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women from Idaho are quite promiscuous [nsfw]

You ask her where she's from and she brings up her sex life!

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Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas.

A man walks in his front door after a long day at work. Upon entering he hears a voice from out of nowhere that says:

"Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money and go to Vegas."

He thinks he must have been hearing things, so he ignores it. The next day, upon arriving home, he...

I decided to quit my job as a bus driver

It was driving me crazy

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Because of lockdown, I have not been driving at all. So I was quite excited when I got back in the car again.

As I stuck it in reverse, I said,

"This takes me back"

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

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Who's a Trump fan?

A teacher asked his class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not quite knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be loved by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands, except Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why did you decide to be different... again.

Little Jo...

I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

"nice... what’s the highest you've been?"

I tried to kiss a goldfish.

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

Why do Narcissists quit competitive High Jumping just when they get good at it?

They can never get over themselves.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robber...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

Why did the muffler guys quit their job?

They were exhausted

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

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I had to quit sucking cocks.

I kept choking on the feathers.

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

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Why did the Dung Beetle quit work?

He was all pooped out!

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Why did the guy with a short dick quit wanking?

Because it was getting out of hand.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

TIL that for writing your last wishes you need to hire a lawyer and that it can easily become quite expensive.

What happened to free will?

I had a job crushing cans, but I quit.

It was soda-pressing

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

It's easy to quit smoking:

I already did it three times!

What's the best way to quit drinking?

Take a shot everytime you see a post not about Trump on r/politics

I tried quitting overusing double entendres,

but it's so hard....

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

If Muppets everywhere started walking and talking by themselves, that would be quite the...

Phenomena! *doot dooo doo doo do*

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“Turns out, my new girlfriend is quite the gambler”

“What makes you say that?”

“Yesterday when we were having sex, she suddenly says: “wanna make this more interesting?””

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

‟Doc, I think I have a tapeworm”

The doctor looks at him and says

‟Well, we are all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you.Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

I quit eating spaghetti.

Now it's a thing of the pasta.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

A couple months ago, my girlfriend and I started experimenting with bondage. I was quite into it, but I could see she wasn't having fun herself. But we kept at it and now I think she's really starting to enjoy it.

She was bound to like it eventually

A coworker of mine recently took a break to go buy a pack of smokes from the corner store. He didn’t return so I guess that was his way of quitting.

Just like my dad

Mike Bloomberg should quit the race now

Mic drop...

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I've quit my job at the sewage farm.

Well, I was just going through the motions.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

I try to steal jokes but I never get the punchline quite right

Anyway, two engineers tied a blonde to a flagpole or something

I'm quite a humble person but I'm not proud of that.

That's what I'm proud of.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

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I was at the bar.... [NSFW]

And some lady dressed like a tramp kept trying to rub my arms. I kept telling her to quit handling me like I was her boyfriend when I didn't even know her. She wouldn't leave me alone, and finally she offered me a desktop computer in exchange for sexual favors. I swear this lady was high as a kite t...

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he plls it off the hook it says ‟Please do not kill me! Spare my life and I will grant you all a wish!”

The German throws the fish back and says ‟I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immed...

Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

A: He was tired of people talking behind his back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a pub.

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three ...

J.G Quintel's new show isn't quite Regular Show

... but it's Close Enough.

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

How do drummers ask if they can take a break?

It’s quite simple

“Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?”

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are

talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would

like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.



So, he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy

s...

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Train joke

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left the town by railway. It was an Ex-press train.

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven.He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are vaginas like hotdogs?

Because when you think about what goes into them, you want to quit eating them.

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