I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays

Apparently Sarah Sanders has quit her job.

I won’t believe the news until I hear her personally deny it.

I finally quit doing drugs.

It was high time.

My friend told me to quit acting like a flamingo....

I had to put my foot down.

Who says it`s hard to quit smoking?

I quit 5 times already.

I quit going to my therapist after I told her I was scared of The Backstreet Boys

She asked me to tell her why.

I've quit drinking for 9 years

Then I turned 10

Why did the Eskimo quit the soccer team?

Idk I guess he just wasn't inuit

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

I used to be a history teacher but I quit...

I just couldn't see a future in it.

Did you guys hear about the controversial self-flagellator who finally quit?

I guess he got tired of all the backlash.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

I used to be a farmer but I quit...

I woke up one day and realised I was in The wrong field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Quasimodo is fed up of being the bell ringer of Notre Dame and wants to quit...

He puts an ad out in the newspaper,


Sunday comes around and Quasimodo is waiting patiently at the base of his tower. No one has turned up and he's losing faith that anyone will before the Sunday s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did you quit smoking?

I decided to start smoking only after sex.

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I quit drinking once.

Toughest forty five minutes of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

I used to be a 911 operator but I quit...

It just wasn't my calling.

What does a communist say after they rage quit a video game?

I don’t know either, but they’ll probably be uninStalin the game.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”

She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I really wish my friend would quit his job.

Every time I ask him about work, he gets annoyed and tells me it’s boring. Literally every time. He’s been fine except when I ask him about work. I wish he’d just quit, because he used to be so much fun before he started his new job a few months ago. We haven’t spoken in a week because he flew off t...

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician...

Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*

Why did Barty Crouch quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the janitor quit his job

He was tired of everyone’s shit.

I used to be an avid hunter of wolves, but I had to quit. I got addicted to it...

I was up to two packs a day.


True story.

I had to quit my job at the Coca-Cola factory today...

... It was Soda Pressing

Did you hear that Jesus had to quit working out?

Yeah, he did crossfit for so long, it took him three days to recover

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week

I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast.

Why Did Michael Jackson's Guitarist Quit?

Michael asked him to drop the G-string and put the D into A minor.

Quit While You’re Ahead

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old...

A lava rock quit his job at the volcano today

Said they took him for granite.

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why did Snoopy quit the comic strip?

He was tired of working for peanuts.

It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

"Hey buddy! Don't quit your day job!"

-Me, to someone who's doing real great at their day job

I quit my job as a paperboy

So if you think I've got news for you, I've got news for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I quit my job at Amazon

and started working as a gay prostitute.

Now I get paid a lot more and fucked a lot less.

After reading about the effects of smoking and drinking I've decided to quit


Did you hear about the guy that quit his job at a quilt filling factory?

He said he was fed up of feeling down...

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn’t landing any good roles.

I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...

Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It’s all in the delivery.

What do you call a Catholic Priest that's trying to quit smoking?

A serial vapist

I used to be a butcher but I quit...

One day I backed up into the meat grinder,
I got a little behind in my work.

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

Why did the obstetrician quit her job at age of 35?

She was having a midwife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, my psychic told me I was going to win the lottery, and quit my job.

This morning, I told my boss to kiss my ass and walked out. I'm halfway there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another
man of your caliber!"

I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to quit.

It was just one ting after another.

My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.

So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.

I’m writing a musical about a meteorologist who wants to quit his job

It’s called Weather or Not.

Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost interest.

my mom told me to quit singing wonderwall

i said maybe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

Why did the crematorium tech quit?

Not enough urnings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

Why did the fish quit smoking?

He didn't want to get hooked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work as a prostitute...

... due to lack of fucks to give I quit my job.

I quit my first job as a bartender in a strip club

Because I hated working hard

Why did Jack quit his job at airport security?

Because no one ever said hi to him.

I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...

...it was just plane boring.

How did the vegetarian quit smoking?

He went cold tofu.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.

It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get g...

I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit.

Buddy: "Why did you-"

Me: "Timing."

Buddy: "quit?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate disappointing people in general. So instead of telling my boss I’m gonna quit...

I’ve been tweeting homophobic and racist epithets for 8 months now, but sadly I’m still here.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally quit taking Viagra last week...

it wasn't as hard as I thought!

A smoker quit cold turkey

It wasn't hard, no one likes cold turkey anyway.

I quit my job over religious differences.

My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey.

I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first joke post. nsfw. also long read.

so a japanese man living in the u.s. hires a hooker.

right before they get into it, the hooker asks the man a question:
"are you Japanese or Chinese?"
Confused and bewildered the man says
"Why do you need to know that?"
the woman replies
"Well I heard that Chinese men are grea...

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

I was pretty offended when I auditioned for American idol and was told by the critics “don’t quit your day job”

But I guess the joke was on them - I’m unemployed.

Lawyer Joke :)

What's the difference between a Lawyer & a Hooker?
A hooker quits screwing you when you're dead :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I quit watching porn for the same reason people go vegan.

I don't like it when animals get hurt.

My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender...

I always knew he'd end up behind bars.

I don't know the meaning of the word "quit." I was going to look it up, but...

I still have some suicidal thoughts, but most of them have already killed themselves.

I’m a perfectionist. I’ve been writing and rewriting a suicide note for twelve years. It’s killing me.

My friend asked, “Must you write so many suicide jokes?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll stop soon.”

I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self employed.

My boss is still an idiot.

What's the best way to help your girlfriend quit smoking?

Slow down and use some lube.

What did the German say when he quit his foot fetish club?

All feet are same.

Why did William quit the army?

Because he disliked the phrase "Fire at Will"

It's actually really easy to quit smoking.

I've done it plenty of times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stockbroker from New York decides to quit the big city . . .

. . . so he buys a ranch in Texas miles from everyone for some solitude.

After about 4 months, while he's clearing brush, a cowboy on horseback comes up.

'How doin. I have the ranch just next to ya. Heard you were the new neighbor."


"I'd like to invite you to a p...

After reading this joke, you will quit cheating forever

Two years ago, I applied for a job at a major conpqny. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But we're still...

My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face.

Why did the Christian convert quit his job at the sewer company?

Because entering manholes was no longer his thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm struggling to quit my masturbation addiction

On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated

On the other hand, there is my weiner.

Why did the taxi driver quit his job?

He was tired of people talking behind his back.

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

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