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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

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I hosted a party for people into orgasm denial

No one came.

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night...

Everybody came..

You should have seen her face

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants.

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.

He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he was dead.

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Joe went to his company party with his wife on Friday.

There, he had a little to much to drink and started to argue with his boss. The boss angered by Joe, fired him at the stop. Joe goes home grunting.

The next morning, Joe asked his wife what happened last night.

Wife: You got drunk and fought with your boss and got fired.

Joe: W...

I'm hosting an edging party tomorrow.

You can't come.

Tea party

A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.

The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it sev...

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A young, attractive lady comes back from a house party.

Let's call her Jessica. Unfortunately, Jessica's face is now well wept. Her mother catches her with cum on her face, and begins to sob hysterically: "After I did everything to raise you as a good catholic girl, what the hell i this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through after your father lef...

Two Neanderthals loved partying

They went clubbing

How does the nasa organize a party?

They planet.

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

Do you know why ordering balloons for a party is so expensive?

Inflation.

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In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

I went to my retro themed grad party last year...

It was a stereotypical grad party themed around the days of old. Everyone wore old clothes and had classic American food. The music was old too


First was the "Twist", and only a few people were dancing on the floor

The next song was "Jump" and the majority of the people were jumpin...

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

What does a house wear to a party?

Address

If you party while you're angry

You're raving mad.

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a huge pair of glasses.

I got really drunk.
The wife says I made a right spectacle of myself.

Hawaii is hosting a party for all the states. Hawaii says, “be there or be square!”

Unfortunately, Colorado and Wyoming didn’t attend.

What did Palpatine say to the intern when they asked how many pizzas they needed for his birthday party?

"Order 66!"

Three cannibals were invited to a party

One was an hour late and all he got was the cold shoulder. The other two each had a ball.

Who is the leader of Feline Communist Party?

Chairman Meow

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Someone broke into my house and stole all the food for my birthday party.

Of all the assholes in the world this guy takes the cake.

I was planning on taking leftovers from the party.

All my plans were foiled.

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fancy dress party

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p\*nis.

A Lady asks, "What are you?"

He says, "I'm a fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.

He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I ...

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fun guy.

Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

Winter coat was asked if she’s going to a party.

“I’m down.”

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

After my son’s team won the tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.

Why didn't Pluto organise his birthday party?

He couldn't planet.

Why was the hipster fish late to the party?

Because he didn’t take the mainstream.

A man who has been doing keto for five years cheats his diet at a party.

His friend, shocked, asked him if it was hard for him to do.
The man replied, "it was a piece of cake".

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At the cocktail party,

A guy who is visibly drunk, stumbles over to the hostess.

"Scuse me, madam, I dare say, do lemons have wings?"

The hostess looks at the man for a moment, says.

"No sir, I do believe not. But what makes you think that?"

The man stares at the hostess for a while, pondering ...

I went to a party today

The DJ played Macarena. So I did the Macarena.

Then he played YMCA. So I did the Y M C A

Then he played Come On Eileen. So I was asked to leave.

The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're no...

I once heard a joke about a party with amazing drinks.

I forgot most of it, but I remember that there was a really long punch line.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why do skeletons hate Halloween party’s?

They have no-body to dance with

I got invited to a bad taste halloween party. I was going to go as a suicide victim.

But decided to go as Jeffrey Epstein instead.

Don’t bother having a party during No Nut November...

Nobody will be able to come

What is the new party drug in Mexico called?

Guacamolly.

[Halloween party]

Me: Nice costume! What are you?

Basic Girl: I am DECEASED!

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I found a perfect excuse to not go to the Halloween party

I'll simply dress up as my sex life

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

A girl and boy are at a party. The girl asks for a drink. The boy promptly gets her one and she says “Wow, that was fast.”

He responds “There was no punchline.”

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?

Because if you invite only one, he'll drink all the booze.

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

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Fancy dress party

A factory hired two new <insert ethnic minority here> employees.
At lunchtime the HR dept officer tells them about the factory annual fancy-dress party that just happens to be on Saturday night.
"now guys, this'll be a great way to bond with your new co-workers, we are having a costume...

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

Why is a science party the best party?

A lot of great chemistry.

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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

What do you call the type of guy who *always* leaves the party with his ex-girlfriend?

The groom

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

What do you call a party that's in a kitchen appliance?

A microrave

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

As I shake the 8 ball I ask it, "Is the party tonight going to be amazing?"

8 Ball: "I'm a pile of cocaine what the hell do you think? "

I went to a costume party last night and a guy dressed as Robin Hood said to me "Tally-Ho!"

I looked around and said "Seven, but I think most are just costumes".

When I called those two party girls hipsters the other day, they got pretty mad at me.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

What snack did the pirate bring to the Super Bowl party?

Chips Ahoy

Two people meet at a party

After talking for a while the girl asks :"Hey do you want to exchange numbers?"


The dude says :"Why? Wouldn't that be confusing for people who want to call us?"

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I won a trip to a Party in Space.

The food and beer was good.

The atmosphere was Crap.

Why does the mushroom always get invited to the party?

Because he's a fungi!

My friend and his wife had a party to celebrate the premature birth of his child.

I arrived too early.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

Every time I see a white guy with a guitar at a party I ask myself...

I wonderwall he’s going to play?

I saw people waiting to get to the refreshments table at a party...

... and I said, "I guess this would be the punchline."

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Why did the IRS officer arrest the prostitute at the dinner party?

Because she was working under the table

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

Why was Thor so hesitant to go to the party?

Low-key wanted to skip it.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,

I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

Birthday party

A boy was celebrating his 10th birthday. Because it was his 10th birthday his mom hired a magician. At the party the magician put on a great show, and for the final he disappeared. Everyone clapped and cheered except for the birthday boy. He said "Boo, my dad mastered that trick years ago. Your not ...

[NSFW] I hosted a blindfolded bukkake party

Im just not that type. I didnt know what came over me

Did you hear about the car that drove through the party?

It was quite a Fiesta

A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks. If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."

Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to...

A man invites a friend to a hunting party in Africa

- We're going to hunt gorillas
- I've never done such a thing, how do you even hunt gorillas ?
- Well it's quite easy, all you need is a dog, a big bag, and a rifle
- OK... And how do you use them?
- Simple as that : I climb the tree, then I scare the gorilla to make it fall on the groun...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

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A man hosts a dress-up party, where the theme is you have to come dressed as a mood...

...on the night of the party, the man is at the front door greeting his guests and asking them what mood they were dressed as.

A couple of women arrived all dressed in green saying "we're green with envy".

A trio of men turned up dressed in red saying "we're red with rage".

More...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

My daughter asked for a Cinderella Themed Party.

So I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

We had a party in the office yesterday.

As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table.

I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!”


She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!

Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man.

At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!"

"Thank you," replies Judy. "This is the Plotnick Diamond."

"The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to...

What do you get when Black Panther brings Jewish bread to Thor's party?

T'Challa challah at the Valhalla gala.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, th...

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

A fat priest didn’t get invited to a night party

Fat Priest: I’ll just make it day then to ruin it. Let there be light!!!

God: ....

Fat Priest: I said let there be light!!!!!

God: ....

Fat Priest: LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!!!

God: I heard you the first time, you just gotta move out of the way. You’re blocking the sun.

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

A math teacher went to a kids birthday party and gave him a math book

The kid was eager to open the present, so he opened it in front of his teacher, when he opened the present the kid looked confused and asked “why did you give me a math book?” The teacher answered “It’s the thought that counts”

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Man walks to alumni party with his wife

Wife: "Honey look that's my ex! Look how he's dancing happily like an idiot, i'm really glad i broke up with him"

Man: "and it looks like he's still fucking celebrating"

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

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Throwing a party for everyone who has a hard time getting an orgasm.

Let me know if you can’t come

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

Did ya hear about the lobster that went to the party??

It pulled a mussel

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

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