I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

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What's the difference between the worst political party and my penis?

One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.

I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

What do you call a party with no white people?

Crackalackin'

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

What do you call a Jewish bread that the Black Panther bakes for Thor's party?

T'calla's challah for the Val'Halla gala.

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

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Uranus, Earth, and Pluto decide to throw a party.

Earth: so how are we going to do this?

Pluto: don't ask me. I don't know how to Plan-et.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.

You should have seen her face.

I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party.

She said, "You are only eighteen once!"


I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."

Pompeii must be the ultimate party town

Look at the locals, they're stoned 24/7

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

funny joke I heard from a retired dad at a birthday party

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The barte...

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

Last night I lost my watch at a party. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it whilst harassing a girl. I went over there and punched him

Nobody should do that to women

Not on my watch

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He heard there was gonna be some tight seals there!

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

How do you organise a space party?

You planet...

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

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At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."

That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

What did the Frenchman with bad allergies say when he had to leave the dinner party?

My sincerest apologies but I bid you all ACHOO.

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So I just started a Chinese Nazi party

It's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

My dyslexic friend just turned up at the toga party

Dressed as a goat

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A man walked into a birthday party.

The man then said to the 20 year old, “That’s a nice ass shirt! Where did you get it?” The 20 year old then said, “Thanks, but they’re called pants, not an ass shirt.”

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A beautiful woman goes to a party.

While scanning the guests, she spots an attractive man standing alone.

She approaches him, smiles and says, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replies. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the t...

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A man runs into Hitler at a cocktail party in Argentina

“Hitler, what are you doing here?”

“I’m working on my new plan, I’m going to kill another 6 millions Jews and 1 clown”

“Why are you planning on killing one clown?”

Hitler then turns to the guy next to him and says
“See, I told you no one cared about the Jews”

My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.

When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.

I looked at her and said, “That’s some nice mask Ara.”

There was once a party for the disabled...

There was once a party for the disabled. A man with a wooden eye sees a women with a hare lip and is instantly attracted. He approaches her and asks if she would like to dance. She enthusiastically replies “Would I! Would I!”.
So that man replies “Hare lip! Hare lip!”

I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face!

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I was invited to a party full of vegans, but I wasn't there for very long.

We all sat down on the floor. Somebody brought out Monopoly, Frustration, Scrabble, Chess, Risk, Uno, Checkers, Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit and Connect Four.

Everybody in the room suddenly turned to me. The guy that had brought in all these games said, "So, which one shall we play?"

"Erm,...

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.

It's always Party time.

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises...

You ever invite sodium to a party?

Na

I never forget the time when we were at the party, playing truth and dare and

someone dared me to go home

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

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The boss is hosting a costume party for Halloween

We see all the usual costumes, that you buy at the store, and even a few homemade ones, but I noticed that the intern was only wearing a pair of jeans. We’re all trying to figure out what his costume is, a shitty hulk? That Kylo Ren meme? Nobody knows, until one person walks up to him and asks:
<...

I threw a camouflage themed party last week.

No one showed up.

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

How can you tell which two year old birthday party is for the anti- vaxxer’s kid?

It’s the one being held in the cemetery.

How do you start a party in Uganda?

Tape a sandwich to the roof.

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Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ...

I met a Chinese guy at a party and told him, “Do I know you? Are you Chris Chen?”

He said, “No. I’m Eric. Do all Asian guys look the same to you?”

Me: No, I meant do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

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Welcome Party

Joe moves onto a new property in some land near Yellowstone National Park - middle of nowhere, but beautiful.

A few days after unpacking his stuff, Joe sees a pickup truck drive up his long and winding driveway. This cowboy type gets out of the truck and extends his hand with a greeting.
<...

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Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

I hosted a party for men with erectile dysfunction

It was lame. Nobody came.

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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

My trailer park party went off without a hitch

No one showed up

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye

But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit

I wanted to throw a surprise bukkake party for my girlfriend.

Didn't work, she saw it coming.

Yesterday my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party.

That showed a lot of balls.

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

I planned to go to the costume party as a eunuch...

... but I couldn't quite pull it off.

A rich couple are going to a party out of town

So they tell their butler, Jeeves, that they will be gone all night and he’s to watch the house.

Well the party is all business talk and cigarette smoke so the wife tells her husband she’s going to take a cab ride home.

When she gets home all the lights are out and Jeeves is sitting in...

How many [not your political party] does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they are incapable of making real changes due to [thing you dislike about the opposing political party]

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

What did The headless horseman say before leaving the party?

I’ll beheading off then

My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son’s birthday party.

Man were they excited to meet Shrek.

My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party...

So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

There is a big function party

Everyone is there, x^2, sinx, cosx.
e^x is sitting in the corner crying. they ask "him why are you crying? Why don't you integrate yourself?"


e^x looks up and says, "It wont make a difference."

What's the best gift for a house-warming party?

A space heater

Why do you never invite French milk to a party?

Its always Lait.

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my phone at a new years eve party

if you found it, that's not my penis in the pictures. I was just holding it for a friend

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

I'm thinking about holding a surprise party for the owner of Versace

Donatella

A knight used to party hard

He was called Sir Dancelot

I went to a costume party and the host asked me, "What are you?" I replied, "A harp!" Puzzled, he said, "Your costume's too small to be a harp!"

"Are you calling me a lyre?!"

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back....

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"...

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A man goes to a party with his friends

He is having a good time and drinking shots. Halfway through the night he ends up throwing up on his shirt. He starts freaking out and says “guys, what the hell do I do. I told my wife that I would get to wild tonight and I can’t go home covered in puke”
One of his buddies tells him” that’s easy...

I hosted a silent disco party in my apartment

I got a complaint from the mime next door.

What's a cow's favorite party game?

Moosical chairs.

[NSFW] I was making love to a loose woman at a party

And I said, "Hey, this isn't an issue, but I've seen you with a bunch of other guys tonight. Do you think you could tell me how many it's been?"

"Thirty-four," she told me, "but none of them know that."

"I figured you'd be the only one keeping track," I said.

"Why?" she asked....

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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

A young woman is talking to a group of men at a party

She says to the first guy, "Did you hear about the new study that shows vegetables can prevent cancer? Guess we should all be drinking Bloody Marys, huh?"

"Actually..." the first man replies. "That won't help because tomatoes are a fruit."

Annoyed, she turns to a second man and changes...

Did you hear about the guy that showed up late to the cannibal dinner party?

He was given the cold shoulder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A political joke that makes everyone laugh.

One day, North Korea decides that they wish to invade America by destroying it from the inside. They decided to scrap the idea when they realized that there is an entire political party already trying to do that.

Guy at party: “So, what do you do for a living?”

Me: “I sanitize raunchy songs for Kidz Bop. You may know some of my best work, such as N.W.A.’s “Find tha Police”, Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer (I wanna pet you like an animal)”, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby got Backpack”.