I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.

You should have seen her face.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful woman goes to a party.

While scanning the guests, she spots an attractive man standing alone.

She approaches him, smiles and says, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That’s a beautiful name," he replies. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the t...

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."

That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was invited to a party full of vegans, but I wasn't there for very long.

We all sat down on the floor. Somebody brought out Monopoly, Frustration, Scrabble, Chess, Risk, Uno, Checkers, Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit and Connect Four.

Everybody in the room suddenly turned to me. The guy that had brought in all these games said, "So, which one shall we play?"

"Erm,...

How do you organise a party in space?

"You planet"

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises...

I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face!

A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.

The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

I threw a camouflage themed party last week.

No one showed up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

My trailer park party went off without a hitch

No one showed up

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

I never forget the time when we were at the party, playing truth and dare and

someone dared me to go home

I planned to go to the costume party as a eunuch...

... but I couldn't quite pull it off.

Yesterday my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party.

That showed a lot of balls.

I hosted a party for men with erectile dysfunction

It was lame. Nobody came.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son’s birthday party.

Man were they excited to meet Shrek.

A rich couple are going to a party out of town

So they tell their butler, Jeeves, that they will be gone all night and he’s to watch the house.

Well the party is all business talk and cigarette smoke so the wife tells her husband she’s going to take a cab ride home.

When she gets home all the lights are out and Jeeves is sitting in...

What music is played at a Mongolian house party?

Dubsteppe

What did The headless horseman say before leaving the party?

I’ll beheading off then

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered.

​

​

​

The chicken

​

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

Why do you never invite French milk to a party?

Its always Lait.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ...

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

There is a big function party

Everyone is there, x^2, sinx, cosx.
e^x is sitting in the corner crying. they ask "him why are you crying? Why don't you integrate yourself?"


e^x looks up and says, "It wont make a difference."

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

I'm thinking about holding a surprise party for the owner of Versace

Donatella

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my phone at a new years eve party

if you found it, that's not my penis in the pictures. I was just holding it for a friend

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye

But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit

My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party...

So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my watch at a party once..

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

What's a cow's favorite party game?

Moosical chairs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a party with his friends

He is having a good time and drinking shots. Halfway through the night he ends up throwing up on his shirt. He starts freaking out and says “guys, what the hell do I do. I told my wife that I would get to wild tonight and I can’t go home covered in puke”
One of his buddies tells him” that’s easy...

I hosted a silent disco party in my apartment

I got a complaint from the mime next door.

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

A knight used to party hard

He was called Sir Dancelot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

I went to a costume party and the host asked me, "What are you?" I replied, "A harp!" Puzzled, he said, "Your costume's too small to be a harp!"

"Are you calling me a lyre?!"

A young woman is talking to a group of men at a party

She says to the first guy, "Did you hear about the new study that shows vegetables can prevent cancer? Guess we should all be drinking Bloody Marys, huh?"

"Actually..." the first man replies. "That won't help because tomatoes are a fruit."

Annoyed, she turns to a second man and changes...

[NSFW] I was making love to a loose woman at a party

And I said, "Hey, this isn't an issue, but I've seen you with a bunch of other guys tonight. Do you think you could tell me how many it's been?"

"Thirty-four," she told me, "but none of them know that."

"I figured you'd be the only one keeping track," I said.

"Why?" she asked....

Guy at party: “So, what do you do for a living?”

Me: “I sanitize raunchy songs for Kidz Bop. You may know some of my best work, such as N.W.A.’s “Find tha Police”, Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer (I wanna pet you like an animal)”, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby got Backpack”.

I'm having a party in my mouth.

Want to come?

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back....

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"...

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?

Because he'd alienated all of his friends and family by repeatedly asking them to touch his bones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is having a costume party

A man is having a costume party where everyone is to come dressed as an emotion. After setting up everything for the party the doorbell rings.

The man goes to answer the door and sees to large Iranian men standing naked on his door step. One man has a pie over his genitals, while another see...

What do you call Post Malone when he throws a party?

Host Malone

New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

Aquaman met Batman at a party

Batman says 'I've never met you before. So, what do you do, exactly?'

Aquaman: 'I fight all the villains of the sea.'

Batman: 'Huh. I didn't know there were any villains in the sea?!'

Aquaman: *'Cause I do my JOB!'*

There was a man named Reap that organized lavish parties.

Tremendous, ridiculously luxurious parties, with hundreds, if not thousands of guests and in return, he would receive exquisite gifts.

As his mother’s birthday was approaching, and Reap knew she was a huge fan of vintage cars, instead of the normal compensation, he requested, that for his ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A political joke that makes everyone laugh.

One day, North Korea decides that they wish to invade America by destroying it from the inside. They decided to scrap the idea when they realized that there is an entire political party already trying to do that.

Did you hear about the guy that showed up late to the cannibal dinner party?

He was given the cold shoulder.

This boy and girl went to a party dressed as calf meat.

I felt like a bit of a third veal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Party Pooper

Why isn’t Count Dracula invited to more parties?

Because he’s a pain in the neck!

In America, you can always find a party...

In Soviet Russia, the party always finds YOU

Christ, party of 13

Jesus and company arrive at the restaurant where they will enjoy their final meal together.

He tells the hostess they will need a space that can seat 26. Only counting 13, she asks why they need such a big table.

With a shrug, Jesus replies: "We like to sit on the same side."

Family party

Went to a family party over the weekend, there was good food, plenty of alcohol and lots of dancing.

When they played the twist, I twisted. When they played shout, I shouted.
When they played Come on Eileen, well that's when the fight broke out...

What’s the best way to throw a space party?

Planet!

Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.

Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.

Doctor: Good news! We organized a birthday party for you.

Man: But my birthday isn’t till next month.

Doctor: Which brings me to the bad news..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

Why did the man dressed as a ghost get kicked out of the Halloween party?

He showed up sheetfaced.

What do you call a shy Hispanic man at a cowboy themed party?

A Mexican stand off.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"


That's Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.


One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,


"He's very rich. Marry him."
...

I went to a costume party with just a girl on my back

A guy asked me what my costume was supposed to be, so I told him I was a snail.

“What do you mean you’re a snail? You just have a girl on your back”

“That’s Michelle”.

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good party/bar joke that doesn't work well in Reddit format.

So, this doesn't work here, but I figured I'd post it as it's a good joke to have in the bag for when you're with a group of friends, or as an icebreaker at a bar or gathering or something. It's the long-story format, so you can adlib as much as you like to extend it a bit, but I'll give the framewo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Halloween teens Party

A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans.

The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.”

The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.”

The host asks, “how’s that?”

“I just came in my pan...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.

I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.

I am thinking about hosting an invitation only nudist party...

It's going to be a private gathering...

A couple was having a party at their house.

An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the pa...

You should’ve seen their faces when I showed up as Donald Duck at the office Christmas party.

Yeah I had no pants, no self control and I came with three kids that weren’t mine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her "What are you suppose to be?"

She said, "Puss in boots."

So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, "Who the fuck are you suppose to be?"

I said, "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator..."

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched