A Lady was conducting her Anti-Drinking campaign outside a bar......

A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes.
The Lady asked him :"Tell me. If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor, do you think the Lord will let you in?"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave ...

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

So a few days ago Donald Trump decided to go campaign in Florida.

He wanted to make sure he gets the Floridian vote. So he went to a home for senior citizens - what they call a home for assisted living.

As we walked in, he encountered what looked like a 95 year old woman and he looks at her and says, "Do you know who I am?"

And she says, "Son, I don...

What happens when Trump gets “jinx” called on him by the Vice President while campaigning in Florida?

He has to buy Mike Pensacola.

Donald Trump is a brilliant campaigner.

He's the only person who could get Biden elected.

Mike Pence has postponed a scheduled campaign stop in Indiana

In other words he changed his schedule on the fly.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Joe Biden should change his campaign slogan

To make America great again.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Everyone's talking about Trump having Covid-19, but what if Mrs. Hicks' condition doesn't allow her to support his campaign?

That would be pretty hopeless.

My Dreams

I've given up on so much anti-smoking campaigns are jealous of my success

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

What happened to Kamala Harris' campaign?

She had the black vote all locked up.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

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Fall of Duty

I get why the main story of a video game is called the campaign. It promises everything in the advertisements, takes money up front, and within the first 40 hours I'm ready to replace it

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:

Okay, Boomer

Did you hear about Coronas new marketing campaign?

Apparently it's gone viral in China.

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PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation

I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

I feel sorry for Corona beer's marketing campaign

Nothing can go viral.

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavored gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

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Will Mayor Pete’s campaign office be phoning voters

By making Butti calls?

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

Why did Ronald lose the election?

People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative.

Everyone says the other side is the devil, but why wasn't actual Baphometh on the ballot?

Turns out, Spoonerists' "vet out the goat" campaign was a success.

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Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

A politician visits a village on the campaign trail and asks the villagers what their needs are

“We have two basic needs, Sir” replies the village leader. “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”

On hearing this the politician brings out his phone, and after speaking for a while he tells them not to worry, a doctor will be present tomorrow and asks what the second problem is.
...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

Political Joke

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angene...

If Kanye West is running ...

I think Vanilla Ice should run for president at some point as well. He'd have a solid campaign slogan "If there was a problem, I'll solve it" and he'd make everyone collaborate and listen.

Irish

Being upset that the world is making jokes about them.. the Irish government decided to launch a massive campaign to show the world that they are not actually simple...

So they announced a media conference telling the world that they will send a rocket onto the sun.....

Someone asked i...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony...

He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.

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What would Obama's campaign slogan be if he confidently ran for office in Japan?

Shuriken

Our president promised to eradicate crime in, what i heard, was 3 to 6 months, during his campaign period. So it will be resolved in 27 years & 2 months?

326 months, he said.

Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

I was doing stand up comedy at my school's ceremony

They thought I was used as an example by the drug awareness campaign

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

What’s the most offensive marketing campaign post-Thanos Snap?

50% off.

A 15 year old boy saves the world.

A 15 year old boy makes a fresh new campaign to save the world from global warming. The movement is a huge success, with almost 100% of rubbish removed from the oceans, and succeeding in righting lumberjacks' and factory owners' ways, cutting down greenhouse gas emmision and forest cutting by around...

Bill is out campaigning with Hillary...

they stop for lunch in a small diner and when Bill orders, he says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress giggles and Hillary glares, but says nothing.

The next day, at lunch in a diner, Bill orders: "I'll have a quickie."
Same response.

The third day, Bill ordering lunch say...

Friar's Flower Shop

Two brothers, Joey and Jimmy Bagadonuts, owned a flower shop in a small town in New Jersey, and business was great. They were the only game in town, until one day, two friars moved in across the street and opened their own flower shop. Having higher quality flowers, as well as the religious aspect, ...

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

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I've started using gametes in my advertising campaign.

You know, sex cells.

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

After seeing the Anti-Smoking campaign, I don't smoke anymore.

But I don't smoke any less, either.

Trump's campaign slogan for 2020

You get out what you Putin

The campaign to re-irritate our international allies is called:

Make America Grate Again

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Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises...

...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

Have you heard about Missouri's new tourist campaign?

"Missouri loves company."

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

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What was Hitlers campaign slogan?

Gotta catch them all...

It is 30 years today since the unlawful imprisonment of John Hugs!

Unfortunately my 'free hugs' campaign isn't going well right now.

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

The President's son, son-in-law, campaign manager, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar…

finish that one for me, will ya

Ted Kaczynski was a philanthropist.

He launched a letter-writing campaign to support Borders Without Doctors.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

My dad has a great idea for Donald Trump's campaign slogan.

"Vote for me in 2016 or there'll be hell toupée."

If Trump continues his anti climate change campaign and the provocation towards North Korea the only wall we will be building will be...

Wall-E

You know Corona Beer is having really good sales these days.

They've been doing amazing ever since their ad campaign went viral.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

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Mr. President and Jared Kushner visit Putin

Mr. President and Jared are visiting Putin for some campaign strategy. They have a nice chat over coffee, but both Trump and Jared have hard time concentrating as they are mesmerized by their host's beautiful sterling spoons. Jared manages to slip one of the spoons into his pocket, which makes Trump...

CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign.

Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

My local police department is running a dual campaign against dangerous driving and taking drugs. The signs read:

SPEED KILLS

Maybe Tide started the PODS challenge as a viral marketing campaign...

to clean up mistakes.

The NHL's Florida Panthers have apologized to their fans for using Kevin Spacey in a marketing campaign

it's probably for the best. He's a better fit with the Nashville Predators

Why did Hillary Clinton had her campaign chairman John Podesta send the crowd home from the Clinton HQ?

She 'accidently' deleted the email with her consession speech.

Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sund...

I'm officially starting my campaign next election

And my slogan will be "Hindsight 2020"

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks l...

Trump's last two chances to save his election campaign at the second debate:

1. Be endorsed by Dave.

2. Bring out a resurrected Harambe on stage.

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

The FBI raided Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters

She needed them to get in quick and destroy all the evidence.

When McDonald’s reopens

They can run an advertising campaign based on the return of the mac

Wario has just revealed his campaign slogan

'We need to build a wah'

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Why are gametes used in big marketing campaigns?

Because sex cells

The anti-drug campaign

Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign.

The man looks towards them and says,
"Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."

The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said,

"Alright guys, we were just running a...

People seem to have a kind of anti-water campaign that only comes around at Christmas

All I hear for two weeks is "No well, no well, no well"

Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?

She was let down by a weak Constitution.

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