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A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

Crassus was defeated during the campaign for Parthia

Crassus averted.

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

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Porn

The estate of Rodney Dangerfield has recently started a campaign against internet scammers.

If the scammers don’t send Rodney Dangerfield’s estate money, they are threatening to send the scammers nude pictures of Rodney Dangerfield.

No respect!

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

What do you call a failed political campaign?

An **elect**ile dysfunction.

The Rich Shoeshiner

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there .

He used to sit on the chair , read the Wall Street Journal , and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny , great look .

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: "What ...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

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The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests.

He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an i...

Anti-abortion campaigners be like....

"You cannot defeat us!!"

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

What happened to Kamala Harris' campaign?

She had the black vote all locked up.

A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.....

A heavily drunk man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes. The Lady stopped him and said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I g...

Tech companies stopped importing microchips into Russia

Due to supply disruption, Spuntik V vaccination campaign will be put on hold until sanctions are lifted.

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

Mike Pence has postponed a scheduled campaign stop in Indiana

In other words he changed his schedule on the fly.

Trump's campaign slogan for the 2016 presidential election was "Make America Great Again."

Biden's campaign slogan for the current election should be "Make America Great Again."

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

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PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation

I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat.

Donald Trump is a brilliant campaigner.

He's the only person who could get Biden elected.

What happens when Trump gets “jinx” called on him by the Vice President while campaigning in Florida?

He has to buy Mike Pensacola.

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

Everyone's talking about Trump having Covid-19, but what if Mrs. Hicks' condition doesn't allow her to support his campaign?

That would be pretty hopeless.

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

A politician spends 500 million dollars on his own campaign...

And all he gets is American Samoa

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

Did you hear about Coronas new marketing campaign?

Apparently it's gone viral in China.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:

Okay, Boomer

I feel sorry for Corona beer's marketing campaign

Nothing can go viral.

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Nutty Joke

I made this up while playing around at work, but I'm sure it's already been come up with at some point; however I would like to submit this joke:

Ask someone, "do you participate in No Nuts November?" They will either smile, look confused, or both. Then tell them that it's a peanut allergy aw...

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Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally.

During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

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Will Mayor Pete’s campaign office be phoning voters

By making Butti calls?

A politician visits a village on the campaign trail and asks the villagers what their needs are

“We have two basic needs, Sir” replies the village leader. “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”

On hearing this the politician brings out his phone, and after speaking for a while he tells them not to worry, a doctor will be present tomorrow and asks what the second problem is.
...

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

Why did it take Joe so long to officially announce his 2020 campaign?

He was Biden his time.

Our president promised to eradicate crime in, what i heard, was 3 to 6 months, during his campaign period. So it will be resolved in 27 years & 2 months?

326 months, he said.

During this difficult morning for Congressman O’Rourke and everyone involved with his campaign, I wanted to give some words of encouragement

Beto luck next time

Bill is out campaigning with Hillary...

they stop for lunch in a small diner and when Bill orders, he says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress giggles and Hillary glares, but says nothing.

The next day, at lunch in a diner, Bill orders: "I'll have a quickie."
Same response.

The third day, Bill ordering lunch say...

50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

After seeing the Anti-Smoking campaign, I don't smoke anymore.

But I don't smoke any less, either.

Did you hear that Jennifer Lopez started a campaign against dispenser candy?

It's called J Lo for No Pez.

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What would Obama's campaign slogan be if he confidently ran for office in Japan?

Shuriken

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Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises...

...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

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What was Hitlers campaign slogan?

Gotta catch them all...

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

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I've started using gametes in my advertising campaign.

You know, sex cells.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

Well, Since You Ask

A politician was visited a nursing home while campaigning. He met an old lady in the lounge area and found that she was 105 years old. “Well that’s remarkable!” he said to her. “You look beautiful and so healthy. Have you ever been bedridden?”

She blushed and replied, “Oh, my yes! Many...

The President's son, son-in-law, campaign manager, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar…

finish that one for me, will ya

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

Have you heard about Missouri's new tourist campaign?

"Missouri loves company."

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

My dad has a great idea for Donald Trump's campaign slogan.

"Vote for me in 2016 or there'll be hell toupée."

Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sund...

CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign.

Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

My local police department is running a dual campaign against dangerous driving and taking drugs. The signs read:

SPEED KILLS

Why did Hillary Clinton had her campaign chairman John Podesta send the crowd home from the Clinton HQ?

She 'accidently' deleted the email with her consession speech.

The campaign to re-irritate our international allies is called:

Make America Grate Again

Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

If Trump continues his anti climate change campaign and the provocation towards North Korea the only wall we will be building will be...

Wall-E

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

I'm officially starting my campaign next election

And my slogan will be "Hindsight 2020"

The NHL's Florida Panthers have apologized to their fans for using Kevin Spacey in a marketing campaign

it's probably for the best. He's a better fit with the Nashville Predators

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks l...

The FBI raided Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters

She needed them to get in quick and destroy all the evidence.

What do you call a party of dwarves with very low constitution?

An extra short campaign

The anti-drug campaign

Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign.

The man looks towards them and says,
"Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."

The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said,

"Alright guys, we were just running a...

Wario has just revealed his campaign slogan

'We need to build a wah'

Trump's last two chances to save his election campaign at the second debate:

1. Be endorsed by Dave.

2. Bring out a resurrected Harambe on stage.

Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?

She was let down by a weak Constitution.

People seem to have a kind of anti-water campaign that only comes around at Christmas

All I hear for two weeks is "No well, no well, no well"

I was going to tell a joke about Donald Trump's presidential campaign..

but then I realized it was racist, too long, and didn't make any sense.

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Why are gametes used in big marketing campaigns?

Because sex cells

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