UPJOKE
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Anti Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A racist, an anti-semite and a black man walk into a bar

“Hey Kanye!”

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There’s usually a dead baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

We are mystified that people are so angry about Djokovic being an anti-vaxer.

His first name is No Vac

Now that's a Djok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today

Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line.

The decision left many scratching their heads.

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

What's the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-Vaxxer?

The Anti-vaxxer is against sticking it in kids

I have a lot of anti-vax jokes

In my family

What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ

What do Pro-Vaxxers and Anti-Vaxxers have in common?

They'll never be fully vaccinated.

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

I support the anti-mask people

Thanks to them the average IQ is rising

I've started a society for anti-social people

Our first meeting is on 30th February

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Jerk stole my Anti-Depressants earlier today.

I hope he's happy.

What do Pi and anti-vaxxers have in common?

They’re both irrational.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

I don't get anti-vaxxers.

If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?

I read a book about anti-gravity once...

It was impossible to put down

Why did Ed Gein oppose the Anti Deranged Creep bill?

He had skin in the game!!!

Engineer and anti-vaxxer

An engineer, an anti-vaxxer, and others were walking through the woods when they came upon a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that river safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural ...

Where do you buy anti-fart medicine?

At the defartment store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought some anti-poop glasses.

Now I can't see shit.

Did you know, anti-vaxxers don’t last as long in bed?

…especially if the bed is in a hospital.

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

How do you know Mike Tyson is anti religion?

Because he always punches people in the faith.

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.

Man, I just can't put this thing down.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's a nice bit of light reading.

What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio

Anti-jokes

Does anyone have any good anti-jokes? I'll go first!

Q:What's sad about four black men in a Cadillac driving off of a cliff?
A:*They were my friends.*

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?

The Final Countdown

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

I was reading a book on anti gravity last night.

I found it quite difficult to put down.

An anti-vaxxer passes away...

...and finds herself in heaven. God himself greets her, shows her around and asks if she has any questions.

She says "Not about heaven, but was I right about vaccines?"

God laughed and said "No, vaccines are perfectly safe and should be administered to everyone".

The woman ju...

Why is Batman an Anti-Vaxxer?

His parents took shots and died.

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

An anti masker, An anti vaccer, A flat earther....

An anti masker, An anti vaccer, A flat earther all went to the bar...
..
..
..
Now that's can't be coincidence

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

The anti pick-up line.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"

I'd love to hear some of yours.

My mum is an anti vaxxer...

Calls herself Mrs DoubtPfizer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot

Why are Anti Vaxxer kids and Anti Vaxxer jokes very different?

Anti Vaxx jokes get very old after a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Why will anti-vaxxers not laugh at this joke?

They just won’t get it.

Anti-vaxxer: "This corona hoax is getting old."

Me: "You aren't."

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

My mother is anti vaxx

Calls herself miss Doubt Pfizer

What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favourite movie?

Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer

You are either anti-pain or …

Propane

Anti-vax jokes are like anti-vax kids,

They were great for a year or two, but they should be dead by now.

I'm anti - vax

I just don't think thier brand of vacuums are as good as the competition.

I only knock up anti-vaxxers

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18 years.

Anti-vaxxers are heroes

They prevent diseases from going extinct.

ISIS recently released their own brand of anti-dandruff shampoo

It's called Shoulders

Anti-abortion campaigners be like....

"You cannot defeat us!!"

Why do anti-vaxxers always make typos?

Because the Bill Gates microchip comes with auto correct

How many anti-vaccers does it take to change a lightbulb?

>!DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH!!!<

What do you call a Nany that is also an anti-vaxer?

Mrs Doubt Pfizer

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

Why didn't the anti-vaxxer wear a seatbelt?

Because they didn't want to live in fear of car accidents.

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

You remove them from the gene pool.

What is the difference between anti-vaxx jokes and anti-vaxx children?

Anti-vaxx jokes live longer.

anti crocodile substances

a man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town

one day his neigbhour called the police because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets

when the police came they asked the man:" what are you pouring on the streets? "

the guy said: "i was pouring ant...

What do anti-vaxxers and 5g conspiracists have in common?

They both are afraid of improving cell service.

how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

Anti Vaxx

Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.

What happens to German hackers when they encounter anti-cheat software?

They get an autobahn.

Why will anti-vaxx memes never die?

They’ll never get old

Mocking anti-vaxxers on the internet these days is like unvaccinated children

It never gets old.

What language do anti vax kids speak in?

Ouija board

How do I infiltrate these anti-vaxx groups?

One of them might be crazy enough to date me

How can people claim Walt Disney was anti-Semitic...

...when one of the most famous Disney songs is "When Jewish Upon a Star?"

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

What's common between anti-vaxx kids and this joke?

Both are going to die in new.

Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help i've used too much'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homophobe, a TERF, and an anti-semite walk into a bar,

The bartender says, " aren't you that lady who wrote Harry Potter?"

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