UPJOKE
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A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

Where do you buy anti-fart medicine?

At the defartment store.

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's a nice bit of light reading.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

Engineer and anti-vaxxer

An engineer, an anti-vaxxer, and others were walking through the woods when they came upon a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that river safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural ...

Why do babies from anti-vax parents cry so much?

Mid-life crisis.

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

Why did the mexican start taking anti anxiety meds?

He was taking them for hispanic attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought some anti-poop glasses.

Now I can't see shit.

We are mystified that people are so angry about Djokovic being an anti-vaxer.

His first name is No Vac

Now that's a Djok

ISIS recently released their own brand of anti-dandruff shampoo

It's called Shoulders

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

Why is Batman an Anti-Vaxxer?

His parents took shots and died.

Why Was the Anti-Vaxxer’s Baby Crying?

It Was Having a Mid-Life Crisis.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

I've been prescribed anti gloating cream...

Can't wait to rub it in.

What do you call a Nany that is also an anti-vaxer?

Mrs Doubt Pfizer

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

Why did the anti-vax movement stop?

It died down.

Johnny Depp would be in a much better position if it wasn't for anti-vaxxers.

If it wasn't for them we would all have heard immunity by now.

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

What happens to German hackers when they encounter anti-cheat software?

They get an autobahn.

What do Pro-Vaxxers and Anti-Vaxxers have in common?

They'll never be fully vaccinated.

Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream..

I can’t wait to rub it in…

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

Why are jokes about anti-vaxxers kids so funny?

Because they never get old

How do you know Mike Tyson is anti religion?

Because he always punches people in the faith.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’re too busy screaming that God gave them eyes and tripping over each other in the dark.

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ

I have a lot of anti-vax jokes

In my family

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

What do Pi and anti-vaxxers have in common?

They’re both irrational.

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

What do you call an Anti-Vax Child minder? - Mrs Doubt Pfizer

It's only a joke.

Did you know, anti-vaxxers don’t last as long in bed?

…especially if the bed is in a hospital.

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

Why did the Anti Vaxxer get cut from the basketball team?

He refused to take the shot

Why will anti-vaxxers not laugh at this joke?

They just won’t get it.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

Why did the American take his anti-anxiety medication?

To prevent Hispanic attacks.

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

I'm reading a book about anti gravity

I can't seem to put it down...

Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help i've used too much'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

I posted my anti-covid-vaccine views in r/changemyview...

I was rewarded with a delta.

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

I got my medications mixed up.

I confused my anti-depressant medication with my erectile dysfunction medication. Life just keeps getting harder.

Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot

You are either anti-pain or …

Propane

Why do anti-vaxxers always make typos?

Because the Bill Gates microchip comes with auto correct

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favourite movie?

Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer

Did you hear about the man who read a book about anti-gravity?

It was impossible to put down

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

It’s so nice to meet so many anti-vaxers here

It feels like we’re a dying breed

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

I couldn’t remember the name of the anti-apartheid leader from South Africa who passed away yesterday.

Eventually I put Tu and Tu together.

Anti-vaxxer: "This corona hoax is getting old."

Me: "You aren't."

Why didn't the anti-vaxxer wear a seatbelt?

Because they didn't want to live in fear of car accidents.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

What did the anti-vax kid wanna grow up to be?

Alive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti-proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their f...

My anti-vaxx girlfriend asked me about trying to make a child together

Apparently, “Let’s give it a shot, then” wasn’t the best answer.

What language do anti vax kids speak in?

Ouija board

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

My mum is an anti vaxxer...

Calls herself Mrs DoubtPfizer

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.

My mother is anti vaxx

Calls herself miss Doubt Pfizer

It’s no wonder why anti-vaxxers hate needle injections…

They always miss the point.

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

I won’t make friends with anti-vaxxer’s

I don’t want to get too attached

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All about stress

Tits - natural anti-stress balls! The irony is that they come attached to the most effective thing to create stress!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

My roommate cannot remember if he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

I support the anti-mask people

Thanks to them the average IQ is rising

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

How do I infiltrate these anti-vaxx groups?

One of them might be crazy enough to date me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

A KGB agent meets a friend

"How are you doing?" the KGB agent asks

"I'm fine, I'm working as a teacher. How about you?"

"I'm a KGB agent"

"Oh, what is it that you do?"

"I arrest those who are dissatisfied with the current regime"

"There are those that are satisfied with the current regime?"...

My anti vaxer neighbor's eight year old was throwing a temper tantrum

"Isn't she too old to throw a temper tantrum?", I asked.
"It's not a temper tantrum. It's a mid life crisis."

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

I’m sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you ...

I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today

Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park

A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar

I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.

How can people claim Walt Disney was anti-Semitic...

...when one of the most famous Disney songs is "When Jewish Upon a Star?"

A QAnon conspiracy theorist, a racist, and an anti-Semite walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What'll you have, Congresswoman Greene?"

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of three children!

EDIT: I'm a proud anti-vaxx woman!

My Anti-Vax neighbor's one year old son is so annoying.

He cries all the time, seems like he is going through a midlife crisis.

I'm anti - vax

I just don't think thier brand of vacuums are as good as the competition.

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson all the way for me!

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