Against Jokes - 116 Hilarious Against Jokes

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CAN...

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.

*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

( This joke was made up by my eight year old son. ) Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers?

They were outnumbered.

What's the most persuasive argument against democracy?

"Have you ever worked in retail?"

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

Why is the KKK against triathlons?

They don't believe in the mixing of races.

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

There's a lot of discrimination against us paraplegic people,

And we won't stand for that!

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

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"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...

Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

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There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

On Kid Rock being seen recently drinking Bud Light despite his rant against their supporting trans people...

Sometimes you drink what you can afford.

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too...

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I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

“Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

What do you get when you cross Rage Against the Machine and a Tupperware party?

Bowls on parade!

My best friend is strongly against medication.

He's never around when I'm on my anti-psychotic medication.

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I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

I'm vaccinated against chicken pox AND monkey pox.

I'm 2Pox Secure.

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention

The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.

My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, its growing on me

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

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Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least...

they drive slowly in school zones.

I'm against picketing....

But I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

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Guys are now sending dirty pics against a background of the night sky with star trails.

They're calling it schlong exposure photography

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You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

Against Us

Woman : Ugh my boyfriends family is so against us dating.

Friend : Who are they to stop you.

Woman : His wife and kids.

I don’t quite understand this hate against vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with them.

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

I was going to make a Tom Cruise themed restaurant but decided against it.

It would be risky business

As the Ukrainians are fighting back against the Russians...

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One...

Personally, I am against political jokes.

They get elected to office too often.

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

What do you call somebody who sits on the fence about religion, but argues against both sides anyway?

Antagnostic.

Everyone in Hikaru Nakamura's stream is uniting against Hans Niemann

He is now Hans Solo

I used to be against organ transplants.

But then I had a change of heart.

Aaron Rodgers is now 0-4 against the 49ers in a playoff game…

He’s also 0-3 for his vaccination shots

My 12 year old’s joke: I threw my mouse against the wall because it wasn’t working

Everyone at the vet’s office stared at me.

What is round and helps against athlete's foot?

A landmine.

I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

It’s really hard to pull it off.

Against the Law.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,

and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it ...

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What do you call it when someone's racist against obtuse Jews?

Anti-symmetric.

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

I’m worried about this lawsuit against Madison Cawthorn.

I just don’t see him walking away from this one.

I strongly recommend against stitching up your own wounds.

But if you insist, suture self.

Why did the pothead lose his battle against Medusa?

He was stoned.

Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

Grandma saw on TV news that a car is driving against the traffic on the highway.

Remembering that grandpa is coming back home from the city on the same highway, she called him to warn him.

"Honey be careful driving, apparently there is a person driving in the wrong direction on the road."

"What do you mean a person?" Grandpa yelled, "Everyone is driving insanely to...

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PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation

I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat.

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An upset man has filed a lawsuit against Nirvana over the band's iconic 1991 album cover.

Sounds like a baby just trying to grab some money.

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

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Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you.

Man : "Titties"

Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

Sean Connery used to take photos of himself up against every bookcase he ever saw.

He loved his shelfies.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

I made love to a woman against her will last night.

I have a fetish for legal documents.

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

Marvel Studios is now against hair coloring

In fact, their next film is about a group of people that never dye

How are Christians against piercings?

Didn’t Jesus have 4?

A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it

She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.

The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.

The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"

The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."

Did you hear about the activist who fought against gravity?

They started an uprising.

There is a new vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers don't get it.

Who is the most reliable source of weapons to fight against Russians?

Russians.

I stand against women who don't wear bras

As much as I was behind those who wore leggings.

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

Why was PETA against sending cats to Mars?

They heard about what curiosity did.

I was always against facial hair as a kid

*But then puberty hit and it grew on me*

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

Was Mike Tyson against religions?

Because he kept punching people in the faith all his career!

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

Im against other races

Which is why I only watch NASCAR

There’s only one race out there that I discriminate against.

The NASCAR Race.

I have nothing against vegetarianism

my best friend is a vegetable

Did you hear about the Chinese guy who spoke out against the government?

Exactly ;)

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

Never try to race against a decapitated person

They're always ahead of you.

Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...

...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.

\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?

\- This one, young man?

\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!

\- No problem, dear!...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Did you hear the story about the two silkworms that decided to compete in a race against each other?

They wound up in a tie.

Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

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Josef Stalin was on his way to order the army against the Nazis.

He went to one of the troops, which had 500 men.
Suddenly, one man sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky?! - he shouted.
Silence.
\- Shoot halfovsky!
Half of the troop was killed, leaving 250 men. Later on someone sneezed.
\- Who sneezovsky? No one says...? Shoot halfovsky! ...

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

There was a protest against deaf people.

Everyone brought "stop signs".

A race against time!

Chuck Norris once had a race with time.
And who won?
Well, time is still running, isn’t it?

Why have more people been getting vaccinated against Covid lately?

They have decided that it's worth a shot

I am against invisible bananas.

I can’t see the appeal.

Why did the NRA protest against the lockdown?

They want schools to reopen.

I was addicted to not defending myself against nuns.

But I finally kicked the habit.

Im against smart clocks

I guess you could say im anti-clockwise

The Bible is not against marijuana

It says," if a man lays with another man, he must be stoned".

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