Programmer Jokes

You're a bit too much.

Cause light attracts bugs.

He refused to comment

I sold my laptop.

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

But you might not get it.

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

Whatever is in the dress code.

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
... read more

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

// the real joke is always in the comments

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e... read more

"Goodbye world!"

Ask them what "!" is

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

None. We don't address hardware issues.

Because they don't C#.

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

Vulgar

An argument.

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"... read more

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Because OCT 31= DEC 25. (Yes, I realize I'm a day late on this, so sue me).

At Stackoverflow.

A JavaScript developer will make empty promises and not call you back.

A Java developer will act classy but he’ll treat you as an object.

And a Python developer will take up all the space and everything will move too slow anyway.

No comment.

Because Oct31 = Dec25

He said it's 404

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ... read more

It yells “BOOLEAN”

JSON.

They fried me for no reason

A programmer finds a genie on the darkweb, and the genie messages him: "YOU GET THREE WISHES." So the programmer excitedly immediately wishes to be a billionaire. The genie messages back: "Hold on there pally it's not that easy. You gotta get me out of the darkweb first and into a LAMP."
... read more

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

A glass half full stack developer.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'... read more

!false

It's funny because it's true.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Because he didn't get arrays.

Because it’s name was Megabyte!

They always have multiple baaa-cups.

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

He answered:


640 x 480.

Wife said, "Honey, please go to super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6".

He came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said " Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

He said "BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS".

He still does not understand why his wif... read more

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

Finding out what they broke this time

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.


They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for ... read more

They don't like classes.

The string

Because they had Math.abs

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ... read more

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

He ran out of space on his drive

He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

has Now problems. two he

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.

His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."

So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

Zero, because they don't deal with hardware issues.

A very good grasp on strings.

They go out and grab a byte.

There was a sign that said "No swimming".

“Goodbye world”

I think it's because they're non-binary

Because he has a semi colon.

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

But the only soft wear I'm interested in is a cardigan.

that's double trouble.

"They should have just compiled!!!"

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T... read more

01000010 01100101 01100011 01100001 01110101 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01111001 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101110 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100001 001... read more

Mathematician: ln(-1)

99 Bugs in the Code
99 Bugs in the Code
Take one out, patch it up,
132 Bugs in the Code.

He tries interacting by text, putting in "i <3 u". But the robot unfortunately responds: "i not defined in this scope. u not defined in this scope."

Codeine.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh... read more

var celebration = ["Hip", "Hip"];

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

gf.getString();

He writes byebyeworld.c

They're constantly comparing their self to other.