UPJOKE
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(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. Broken light bulbs are a hardware issue.

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...

But they fried me for no raisin.

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

A programmer walks into a bar,

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate C programmers

They just don't have a class...

a programmer and astronaut walk into a bar

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

What's a programmer's favourite underwear ?

The string

Did you hear what the dyslexic man said when the police shot an unarmed programmer?

"They should have just compiled!!!"

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

What kind of spell does a programmer cast?

Hex.

A programmer walked into a bar.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:


640 x 480.

Why did the programmer drown when he fell into the lake at the park?

There was a sign that said "No swimming".

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

The programmer detective

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

Everyone wants to be a developer or programmer nowadays...

But the only soft wear I'm interested in is a cardigan.

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Why do exterminators make for good programmers?

They're experts in debugging!

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

What is a programmer’s favorite game?

Finding out what they broke this time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

What do you call it when a programmer goes to the bathroom when they have a new idea?

A memory dump.

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

A programmer is driving through the country

While on his drive he sees a horse drawn carriage without any supervision.

He stops the carriage and ask the man sleeping inside what if the horses just stop.

The man replies he has tied a bell around the horses neck and if they stop the bell would stop ringing.

The programmer g...

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

What Does A Programmer Do When His Car Breaks?

He exits and then goes back in.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

What is it called when a programmer goes to hell?

Syntax.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.

His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."

So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

What have the programmer said after getting his new glasses?

Damn, it's good to C#.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

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