Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

A programmer walks into a bar,

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

I used to work as a Programmer for autocorrect...

But they fried me for no raisin!

A programmer walked into a bar.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store

"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

Why do Assembly programmers have so much free time at school?

They can't have any classes.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

What do you call a programmer that doesn't use Stack Overflow?

A liar.

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

Why do exterminators make for good programmers?

They're experts in debugging!

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.

The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She take...

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

A programmer went to the grocery store. His wife said "while you are out, go get some milk."

He never came back.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

How many Boolean programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

What is a programmer’s favorite game?

Finding out what they broke this time

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

Programmer joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

A programmer walks into a bar...

He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

What do you call it when a programmer goes to the bathroom when they have a new idea?

A memory dump.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

What is it called when a programmer goes to hell?

Syntax.

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

What do programmers say when they rob you

01001000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01001001 11100010 10000000 10011001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 011...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

How can you tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert programmer?

An introvert programmer stares at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert programmer stares at yours.

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

What have the programmer said after getting his new glasses?

Damn, it's good to C#.

Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.