How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

As a programmer you know what really annoys me about plumbers?

They promised me async but they didn't callback.

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

I used to work as a programmer for auto correct.

Then they fried me for no raisin.

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

What is it called when a programmer goes to hell?

Syntax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

What do programmers wear to an event?

Whatever is in the dress code.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

How many Boolean programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and...

What is a programmer’s favorite game?

Finding out what they broke this time

What did the programmer say when he bought a Microsoft Office subscription?

Hello Word

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

How can you tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert programmer?

An introvert programmer stares at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert programmer stares at yours.

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.

First his girlfriend ditched him.

"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.

"That can be tough." Said the b...

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

Why do Java Programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

A programmer was accused of bad coding.

He refused to comment.

Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie?

Embed

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

Programmer joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

Why did the Python programmer guy got rejected by a Java programmer girl?

Because he was not her type.

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A programmer walks into a bar...

He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

Q: How did the programmer escape from prison?

A: from%20prison

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.

So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.

Then Assembly. Tie again.

Web Design. Tie again.

Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Th...

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

What do ghosts, rappers, and programmers have in common?

Boolean

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

One we are not women.

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

Why couldn't the system programmer breathe?

He refused to open windows.

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

A programmer's wife is having a baby.

The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".

What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

Why did the programmer buy a Jack O' Lantern on Christmas Day?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

-----

^Can't ^remember ^where ^I ^heard ^it ^before

Why do programmers and coders hate nature?

It has too many bugs.

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

Why are Indians the best programmers?

Because they're born Devs.

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

Why are programmers in a love/hate relationship with coffee?

Because it helps them work but it's made of Java.

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

What Syntax do British Programmers Always Use in Python?

\_\_init\_\_

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

An mechanical engineer, electrician and programmer are driving in a car.

After few hours their car suddenly stops and they start to wonder what went wrong.

Mechanical engineer says: "I bet there's something wrong with the engine."

Electrician says: "I think the battery might be dead."

Programmer thinks for a while and then says: "Guys, what if we get...

What have the programmer said after getting his new glasses?

Damn, it's good to C#.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

Did you hear about the auto-correct programmer who lost his job?

He was fried.

Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20.

You have to be able to C#.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

Programmer: What's your ip?

Mathematician: ln(-1)

Why did the programmer get a new lens prescription?

Because he couldn't see sharp.

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